Please help me find/identify the best adoption poem ever written!

Originally Posted By Mary PurkalWay to go Marcy!!!! I neve thought of the poem from another point of view. I found the copy that my adoptive mom carried in her wallet shortly after she died. You are right. It did give me a warm fuzzy feeling to be reminded of how she felt about us. I guess it has a sentimental value for me.How did I know before I got that far in your post that you were going to mention Penny???? Will be patiently waiting for that poetry!!!

Originally Posted By JanetLet's keep in mind that it is not the responsibility of poetry to address every imaginable population. Different prose is written for different reasons. This wonderful poem happens to be specifically targeted to express how an adoptive parent may feel about his/her adopted child. If we expect all adoption poetry to incorporate the viewpoint of every aspect of the adoption "family" -- then wouldn't the verses have to also address the perspectives and feelings of the birthfathers who may or may not have had any opportunity or influence regarding the decision of the birthmothers to place their children for adoption? Yes, more loss. I'm not trying to discount your opinion or over-dramatize the point, but I do think that this poem quite successfully can stand on its own as an accurate, loving description of the bond that often forms between adoptive parent and adoptee. I would be anxious to learn of other poetry from other points of view like that which you mentioned, especially poems that put into words the feelings of loss you described. I truly think that the more we open up our minds and hearts to the pure emotions of others and accept their feelings as being shared with no goal to disregard or disrespect anyone else, the more we all grow and learn. Please remember, too, that not all adoptive parents feel that they have "lost the dream of their own biological offspring." Many adoptive parents specifically PLAN to create their families through adoption -- without ever having attempted to bring children into their homes through biological methods. Also . . . please don't be too hard on social workers. You may be surprised to know how many of us are also part of the adoption family who truly understand, first-hand, the issues, emotions, and struggles our clients experience.

Originally Posted By Marcy AxnessWhat I shared in that last message was a sort of "let it rip", raw moment of from-my-gut feelings about that poem... and I guess it came off sounding pretty intense. Evidently my distain for the poem seemed to seep over to social workers, which I definitely didn't intend. Having just spent three days on the faculty of one of the finest open adoption conferences in the country--attended mainly by social workers--I know what fine, sensitive, attuned people they (you) can be...and yes, very often part of the adoption triad.I agree that no poem can cover all points of view, and I can see how this poem could resonate with an adoptive parent. I simply wanted to share my own feelings about it.(By the way, I can always count on roughly one protest per year about the issue of some adoptive parents not having come to adoption as second choice. Yes, there are some, but you are in the EXTREME minority. Whenever I write an article or booklet addressing the issue of infertility as a prelude to adoption, or "adoption as second choice," I carefully word things so as to allow for that tiny minority for whom these do not apply. I was less meticulous with my off-the-cuff posting of a few days ago. Forgive me.)I will post separately my suggestion for a poem to--if not replace--stand alongside that "classic", so together they might perhaps present a more well-rounded perspective on adoption. No, this new one doesn't speak about the loss of adoptees specifically, but it is poignant and evocative nonetheless, one of my favorites, by Penny Partridge.

Originally Posted By Marcy AxnessPenny Partridge has graciously allowed me to put up one of my favorite poems:THE ADOPTEE'S KITE FANTASYI know just how I got/this fantasy. I was on/the beach with one of/those two string kites/you can wave back/and forth across the/sky. And then I/read an author's/thank you to her/mother for keeping/her anchored to earth.Now I am out here/over the waves/with just the right/tugs at my corners/to let me dance/like the world's best/dancers while/back on the beach/each holding a string/and looking this way/are my four parents.They must have/met in heaven--/all white-haired/and blue-eyed and/dressed all alike/--by J. Crew!--/in sky blue/Oxford cloth shirts/and baggy white/pants rolled up/their white legs.They must be here/to help me soar like/none of them ever/did for long. Each/had a taste but there/was so much waste/in each of their lives./Maybe they thought/that with all four of/them helping, I might/soar for all of us.I do love them/all pulling for me/together. So,/knowing they can't/see these gold/sparks flying up off/the dark wheels of/water below me,/I send them the sight/through these delicate/strings attaching us.

What I shared in that last message was a sort of "let it rip", raw moment of from-my-gut feelings about that poem... and I guess it came off sounding pretty intense. Evidently my distain for the poem seemed to seep over to social workers, which I definitely didn't intend. Having just spent three days on the faculty of one of the finest open adoption conferences in the country--attended mainly by social workers--I know what fine, sensitive, attuned people they (you) can be...and yes, very often part of the adoption triad.I agree that no poem can cover all points of view, and I can see how this poem could resonate with an adoptive parent. I simply wanted to share my own feelings about it.(By the way, I can always count on roughly one protest per year about the issue of some adoptive parents not having come to adoption as second choice. Yes, there are some, but you are in the EXTREME minority. Whenever I write an article or booklet addressing the issue of infertility as a prelude to adoption, or "adoption as second choice," I carefully word things so as to allow for that tiny minority for whom these do not apply. I was less meticulous with my off-the-cuff posting of a few days ago. Forgive me.)I will post separately my suggestion for a poem to--if not replace--stand alongside that "classic", so together they might perhaps present a more well-rounded perspective on adoption. No, this new one doesn't speak about the loss of adoptees specifically, but it is poignant and evocative nonetheless, one of my favorites, by Penny Partridge.

Do You Think of Me?Do you think of meWhen the moon is full and crickets chirp their song?Do you think of meWhen the grass is green and lush and long?Do you think of meWhen a cake you see with candles all aglow?Do you think of meWhen you see that cake and think of a day long ago?Do you think of me When the fire is hot and flushed upon your face?Do you think of meOr do you try to forget, was I your one disgrace?Do you think of meWhen nights are long and you cool a fevered brow?Do you think of meAnd wonder how I am doing now?Do you think of meWhen long and dark becomes the night?Do you think of meAnd wonder if I have been alright?Do you think of meAs I have so often thought of you ?Do you think of meAnd if you met me, what would you do?Do you think of me?by Kelli Mecham-KemrerWHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS POEM? ANY FEEDBACK WOULD BE APPRECIATED. EMAIL ME AT Gageega@hotmail.com

[FONT="Verdana"]Having adopted 7 children, ages 43 to 6, I feel qualified to comment on the response saying that the poem should address the feelings of the birth mother. NO! It shouldn't! This poem is one to show an adopted child how his/her mama feels about him/her. It helped me to explain how I felt about each child I adopted. If there were any other words added, it would have muddied the thoughts. This isn't the time to be 'politically correct'. It's a time to let the CHILD know that he is still loved. The birth mom's feelings count and can be addressed at a different time. But when holding that little one, or not so little one, this poem is exactly what is needed to make them feel loved and secure.[/FONT]

Maybe. Maybe in your case and in the case of some others, too, the poem helped the child to feel loved and secure. But, my sense of the poem is different from yours. To me, it feels like it is a poem for adoptive parents, not for the adopted child (even though the speaker addresses the child at the end of it). And, I agree with you that poems don't have to address everyone. This is a post-adoption poem. It's about the adoptive parent's feelings for the child. I just disagree that a poem likevthat would have helped me to feel loved and secure. Stuff like that always just reminded me that I was different, adopted. But, every adoptee is different. I'm glad it helped your children.

Seems to me that if you need a poem to reassure your child that you love them, you have some issues in your relationship with your child. My parents never needed a poem for me to know that I am loved.

I think it could make me scream. NO bow to her, NO reference to her, to her loss...to ANYONE's loss, for that matter. THAT'S the rub for me with this poem: it captures the attitude that is so prevalent--that adoption is this romantic, "win-win-win" miracle. "Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone/but still miraculously my own." NO--IT ISN'T A MIRACLE!!! It is a wrenching process that involves the losses of many people, not the least of which is that of the adoptive parents

I think it could make me shout. NO bow to her, NO reference to her, to her loss...to ANYONE's misfortune, besides. That's the rub for me with this lyric: it catches the mentality that is so pervasive -that selection is this sentimental, "win-win-win" supernatural occurrence. "Not substance of my tissue, nor bone of my bone/yet at the same time inexplicably my own." NO- -IT Isn't A MIRACLE!!! It is a tweaking process that includes the misfortunes of numerous individuals, not the slightest of which is that of the new parents

I know this is an older post, but struck me reading the responses that this in not about who hurts more...the birth mom or the adoptive mom. Because we both hurt in ways neither will fully understand. This quote is for the CHILD who strives for some form of normalcy in his/her life that is often missing in an adoption. I am the mom of two adopted children, both through open adoptions. Both children have suffered great losses... and feelings of abandonment no matter how "wonderful" their adoption birth story is or their adoptive family life. I can't stress enough that many of these posts relay to me an "us against them" mentality that in no way helps the child. Our children (collectively adoptive children) know we love them. We don't "need" a quote to tell them that. We tell them that every day with our love and nurturing. But guess what... it is NOT enough for them. They need MORE reminders of this because of their deep loss they incurred (and many including my children incurred again and again as their birthparents came and went out of their lives). They need affirmations from both their adoptive and birth families. Be kind to each other birthparents and adoptive parents. We have ALL suffered loss...but none so great as the child. Let's give them all the love and reminders they need to build their self esteem and belief in who THEY are (not us adoptive parents or birthparents). Adoption is a journey of loss as well as joy. These emotions flood the lives of all parties involved. Let's put our losses aside and try to help the child overcome theirs. <3 Lisa

I want to question the title of this thread. By what criteria should "best" be judged? I think that's very much in the eye of the beholder, and even for an individual can definitely change over time. Long ago when I was a child I heard this poem many times from my adoptive mother. At the time I simply took it to mean what she said it meant... that she loved me dearly, and no interpretation was necessary beyond that. If you had asked me then about adoption poetry I would have recited it by heart. And to be honest, it was the only adoption poem I ever recall hearing, so if I called it "best" it would only be by default. She still treasures the poem and finds a lot of meaning in it. For me the meaning has changed somewhat as my understanding of the nuances and complexity of adoption has grown, but I still understand what she means to say when she uses it. Nowadays, I find that there is adoption poetry by adoptees which expresses our own experiences and speaks to me more meaningfully than the "not flesh of my flesh" poem ever did. There have been some that I found very personally resonant, and others that helped me to see and appreciate other adoptees' perspectives. One that absolutely blew me away was Rachel Rostad's "Names," delivered superbly on stage and now available by video online. So I guess I do not think there is ever going to be a "best" adoption poem, because there are just so many different experiences and needs to be met.

This is a long thread spanning decades and I basically just joined right now because I wanted to respond with my thoughts on one of the posts. Marcy I don’t know anything about your process of adoption nor any parents nor even mine but I will tell you one thing that is from my view. This poem, the one that this thread is about is not always the same to everyone just as Marcy had said and I wish that every sorrow for you or anyone else revolving around being adopted can be calmed if by anything but time. For me, being adopted is something that I every so often ponder about. Not necessarily in positive ways but not in negative either. This is a poem my mother used to say and write in her journal as if she were speaking to me through her daily/weekly entries awaiting my arrival. For me, this poem means much more than it could for many others in the sense that it helps me to realize that no matter how much pain, self pity, guilt, suffering, low self esteem, self hatred, self blame etc I may every have for myself or for being adopted and wondering “why wasnt I good enough or what was wrong with me. Why didn’t she love me. Why was I let go???!”, it doesn’t matter in the end even if I come to the conclusion, she was just loving me so much she gave me the opportunity to have a better life”. All of those thoughts I have had and many others don’t even come close in comparison to this simple and powerful thought that I always end my adoption and birth mother ponderings about: No, they may not be my biological parents nor sister but they are my family and the most powerfully loving thing about my adoption is that my parents didn’t create me, they wanted me, searched for me, waited for me, loved me, and cared for me without thinking, not even once, that I was not one of their own. I am their child and brother. They are my parents and sister.