Adoptive Mother passed away

My adoptive mother passed away when I was ten. My parents had divorced and I went to live with my father and two siblings who also were adopted. I was very close to my father. I am 45 now. I think it was and still is very hard for me to not have any mother but,I turned out fine and am very nuturing to others. As long as the children have someone there who loves,LISTENS,an care they will be o.k. I am finally searching for my birth mother.. The best advice I can give is just be there for them.Listen and love. it is sad but children have parents die even if they are not adopted.Remember their mother is watching over them now just as when she was on earth and she will help guide them.Good Luck

Well, greendoor, you have more than one issue going on here, and I'm sure it is extremely difficult for you to know what to do. I lost my father as an adolescent, and I am an adoptee. He had a long protracted illness, and I was quite depressed for a long time. First I would question whether they need a different counseling situation since virtually no progress has been made. Maybe they are too young for gried counseling per se, but need some other counseling strategies. Secondly, (and I am in this situation too) asking yourself, how can I help without disrupting their world futher, and yet making the dad realize that he is not doing an adequate job? Yikes-- it's almost impossible to surmount isn't it? Then you question, when you are informed about adoption, isn't taking them away from dad when they've already had so much disruption the worst thing possible? Only you guys know the extent to which he needs help. Can someone suggest parenting classes to him? However you can influence their lives, you should. Continue to try to have them over as much as possible. Be good examples. It may be all you can do, but I personally am seeing this have an effect on the relative child I have to help take care of. Sincerely,

Thank you so much for the responses. It's great to hear these suggestions and points of view. You had a great suggestion about getting the children into some counseling other than grief counseling. Thank you. As far as the father of the children goes-it's a difficult situation to explain fully. My family all agrees that he needs some parenting classes but his own grief counselor has told him he is not ready for this yet. (doesn't make sense, i know.) I will continue to read these responses from everyone out there. Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to read this.

Well, regarding the dad, I do understand (I think) why the grief counselor is saying he is not ready for the parenting counseling/classes. However, sometimes, things have to be prioritized. There is also more than one kind of therapy. Some therapy is reflective and lets the person kinda' figure out stuff on their own, pointing them to resources and strategies that may help. Another kind of therapy is more goal oriented. I'm guessing that grief counseling is probably not that goal oriented, oriented more towards coping and strategizing. Maybe he also needs a counselor who can help him work on more than one thing at a time. It's extremely fortunate that he has family like ya'll who will help with the children in the meantime. And I'm glad you are on this forum. When you get frustrated at the whole thing, you can focus on how important it is for families to stay together by reading some other people's stories. Sincerely,

Thanks again, Sweetnoodle! The kids don't really talk about what goes on during the grief counseling sessions. A different form of counseling for their entire family would probably be a great step! Me and my family will definately stay close to the Adoption Forums now that we've found it. It's great to know there are so many people out there willing to take the time to help out others via Adoptions Forums. Kindest Regards to all!

greendoor, I am in a situation similiar to yours. I have raised my niece and nephews on and off their entire lives. Both parents had alcohol problems, but together they seemed to hold on by a thread. When they were 15, 12, and 9 my sister-in-law died of a heart attack. My brother couldn't cope with the grief and the kids, and periodically went off the wagon. The kids loved their dad, so like you, we were hesitant to disrupt their lives even futher by permanently removing them from their home and only surviving parent. I can only tell you some of the things that worked for my family based on feedback from them now (as adults). They always had their own room at my house that they helped decorate right down to the bedspread and pictures. This made those times it became necessary to keep them for a longer period more comforting. We never initiated discussions about their counseling or their problems with their dad. We only listened when they wanted to talk. I was consistent. I never said I would have them over, take them shopping, or anything else that I didn't follow through on. I was always available by phone. Even if I was in a meeting it was clear to my secretary I was to be interrupted if any of them called. You didn't mention any drinking but trying to drown grief is a common reaction. If you even suspect that to be a problem get it addressed immediately. If dad needs help with the day to day chores, see if you can find a neighborhood teen to come in and help with some laundry and cleaning. The 13 year old will try to help and should be allowed to. Just don't let (him/her) feel like they are "responsible" for the younger sibling. Sadly, in our case my brother never recovered. The youngest of my nephews lives with me permanently today. All three kids still love their dad but connect their security with my husband and I. The good news - all the kids have turned out great. Luv ya Trish

Great Feedback. I really appreciate it. Thankfully there is no alcohol involved in this situation. The Dad in this situation can best be described as having a 'one track mind.' Since his late wife was the housekeeper for 25 years his housekeeping skills are undeveloped and the kids seem to enjoy not having any responsibility in the household's upkeep. Very good point that the older child should not feel responsible for the youngest. I'll keep checking back. Thank you so much for the response God Bless you all!