dissolution of open adoption

If his mother has remained in contact and you don't feel you can keep him anymore, why don't you ask her if she wants him back? It is possible to re-adopt your own biological child. The courts might be much more willing to dissolve your adoption in bio-mom is ready to immediately re-adopt him. I realize that his bio-mom may not be the most fit guardian in the world, but it sounds like they love each other, and let's face it; he's thirteen, in a couple of years he's going to go where he wants, do what he wants, and live with whoever he wants anyway. So if you aren't willing or able to handle him, you might as well just give him back to his mother, if she'll take him. It's better than sticking him in an institution, and you would no longer have to worry about being legally responsible or financially liable for him. This is a sad situation. I'm sure you've tried your hardest, and I know this must be so disappointing. Best wishes to you. ~ Sharon

Thanks for your reply, Sharon. During the adoption process the guardian ad litem was adamant that the courts would not allow us to adopt if they believed we would just turn around and give him back to his mother. He also said that if we did just give him back, and he was hurt or something happened while in his bio-moms care, then we might be putting my daughter at risk for being taken from us too. Her lawyer also said to us ,when we asked if we could just give him back, that the only time he knows of where the bio-mom got her child back was because it was an open adoption and because the adopted mom was going to die. Otherwise, courts do not like to do this...they want adoption to be permanent. There are times when we wish we could just let him go live with her, but as legal parents, we're still responsible for what he does. I am not comfortable with this arrangement because the bio-mom is single, working full-time and raising her 3 y/o old daughter. My nephew needs a vast amount of supervision and structure...and would not get it with her. Plus there is the fact that I'm not comfortable with the idea of my nephew being alone with his little sister. There is the chance he would harm her, and I would never forgive myself if that happened. Part of me wants to just 'dump and run', to be very honest. But another part of me wants him to get help, even if it means sending him to a home somewhere. The only other thing I can think of is to approach his bio-grandfather with the idea of him adopting from us. There are no small children there. But will he get the help he needs with the grandfather? Would it be fair to the grandfather to dump this on him? Part of me is angry that we didn't "insist" on the assessment because he could have received almost 6 years of treatment or training. But then I just didn't know back then and the caseworkers were in such a hurry to push the adoption through. I just know that as time passes, his behaviors get worse, his bio-mom has done irreversible damage to our relationship with him, and has caused other family problems for us. But, it's getting to the point where we're asking ourselves, 'are we doing more harm than good for him, and what about the rest of us?' It shames me to admit this, but as much as I truly love him and want what's best for him...I don't like him, and don't want to continue living this way. It has nearly cost me my marriage, and has alienated all of our friends and family from us. Our health is suffering..mental health included. All of us are just miserable, my nephew included. And now he's becoming a teen with a whole other set of issues to sort through. I don't honestly know if any court would allow her to re-adopt him. It was the state that terminated her parental rights because of her drug addiction and for alleged child abandonment. But if it can be done, then I at least want to know if it's an option. I'd be willing to help her out with him, to get him help or treatment and such. Some of the things people have suggested we do may affect my daughter being able to stay in our home. I don't want the state to take her away. Thank you for your kind words. It's been hard to admit having certain feelings, I hate the guilt I feel at times. We have done the family counseling thing...3 years. We have worked with the schools and his teachers. We have kept him in sports as I mentioned. But progress has been minimal, and in the beginning we just believed it was a matter of providing love, structure and discipline. But after doing research on FAE...it's irreversible brain damage. I guess i'm just hoping someone has been in a similar situation and can direct us down the right path. I would welcome any and all ideas, advice and suggestions. Moral support sure won't be turned away either. lol auntiemom2

It sounds like he needs residental treatment. Before you dissolve the adoption this might be a good thing to do. I have a friend in WA who would know what is avaliable in your state. Call me and I'll get you in touch with her. -- Brenda Romanchik, Director Insight: Open Adoption Resources and Support 721 Hawthorne Royal Oak, MI 48067 Phone/fax: 248-543-0997 Expectant parent/Birthparent Resource line: 877-879-0669 Website [url]http://www.openadoptioninsight.org[/url] brenr@openadoptioninsight.org

It is pretty rare for the courts to agree to dissolve an adoption. IT leaves the child a legal orphan, and they don't like to do that. I don't think it would be too likely that his biological mother would be approved to adopt him, either. Even though biological parents in general can often adopt their own children, this usually applies to birthparents who committed no crimes, no abuse or neglect - namely those who placed their children at birth. It does not usually happen that a former drug addict who was convicted of child abandonment would be approved to adopt a child who was acting out and destroying property and injuring people. She simply would be unable to pass a homestudy. However, you could seek another adoptive family for him, one that is well-versed in his issues and prepared to deal with them. There isn't any law preventing this, and it should have no legal impact on the rest of your family. If you simply can't handle his behaviors, give it your best shot at finding someone who is. If that fails, then I think Bromanchik is right about seeking a residential treatment setting for him to live. You could retain parental rights, visiting him and making sure he is taught and in therapy and medicated if needed, while someone else is responsible for setting the limits and enforcing the consequences. This type of setting can indeed help some children to gain control over their actions and learn what is appropriate and what is not. However, it is difficult to find those places. Often, the parents have to become proactive in getting the child arrested for the child's acts - rather than punishing at home for the instances where he's burned people and houses with fire, call the police. #When he threatens or attempt suicide, take him to the hospital and get him admitted to the psych ward, since obviously his medications are not effective. If you can document that he's a danger to himself and others, you have more leverage to get him to live somewhere where he cannot hurt others. Better a residential setting now that can control his behaviors and maybe reach him in a way that you couldn't, than a prison cell later. In the meantime, I would find a new therapist. Look for one skilled in adoption issues and who has a good background in attachment therapy. A lot more can be done when a child loves you and doesn't want to displease you, than can be done without it. [url]www.attach.org[/url] lists attachment-accredited couselors in different states, it would be worth checking out. Go dig through the adoption paperwork you were given years ago. Is there any agreement at all about ongoing support for your family? If so, you could call them on it and insist on receiving the support. Some families have been successful in getting state money to help fund extra interventions for children adopted from the state - both residential centers and attachment therapists are expensive. It doesn't hurt to check, at least. Last but not least, check out the Special Needs Adoption Support board here at AdoptionForums. There are many people in your shoes, who have adopted older children with a history of abuse and/or neglect, and they will be able to give you some parenting support as you look for a solution. I wish you luck!

You might consider reposting under the Attachment Disorder or Special Needs Forums. There are folks there who've been through the same things you're going through.

Thank you, I appreciate all of your replies to my post. Much of the ideas and suggestions were confirmations of what I thought would be the case in our situation. It sure helps to know that I'm not way off base in my reasoning and thinking. (boy, these days I'm not always sure LOL). And I've been given ideas and suggestions that hadn't occurred to me, thanks. I will certainly look into all the other resources that were suggested. I kind of suspected that the path we may need to follow would be in finding him another home/family that will be willing to adopt him. But I'm wondering how that would work out with it being an open adoption with his bio-mom. Would we have to try to have the adoption closed first or would that be the decision of the adopting parents? Also, would we have to contact the adoption unit with the state or could we utilize a private adoption agency? As we have been told in the past, it's a little more difficult in placing African-American and mixed children, is this correct or just the opinions of the caseworkers we dealt with? Not that it's ever mattered one hoot to me or my husband, but our nephew is mixed, his father is African- American. We live in a predominately white community (we're caucasian) but have wonderful friends/neighbors who happen to be black. It's hard to know how to say this because I don't want to come across as prejudiced or offend anyone, but would it make a difference if we were to specifically seek an African-American family for him rather than caucasian? I guess the reason I'm asking is that this past year we've been discussing racial issues alot with our neighbor who is black. He has known our nephew for several years and has become very fond of him (no, not willing to adopt him though) and thought it would be beneficial for our nephew to have more exposure to positive role models who happen to be black men. This year we signed him up to play basketball on our neighbors team he coaches. All the coaching staff are African-American men, and most of the boys are black or mixed. As my nephew is entering his teen years and this is an already confusing and difficult time for any child, we have wondered how much race will be an issue with him in finding his place in the world and where he fits in. We want him to be proud of who he is and all that he is, and have wondered about the issue of us being white and he mixed. Does anyone else think this should be an issue in re-adoption or not? I think our alternative choice will be looking into a residential home. We truly love him, but it's near impossible for us to live as we have been and we don't hold much hope for it becoming better. I know it's important to consider what's best for everyone in our household, which would be to place him elsewhere, but I still want to do all that can be done for him because the way it's going now....jail or prison will become his future, and we don't want that for him. Thanks again everyone for your replies. It helps to know that there are more options available, and that we haven't hit a dead-end yet. auntiemom2

What happened to this child during the first seven years of his life? Are you reporting these instances of violence to the police? If not, start, you need a paper trail. Pull the kid out of sports, that only makes him worse. Is he in therapy with someone familiar with attachment disorder or at least foster/adoption issues? If not, find someone quickly. It's very difficult to find a lawyer willing to discuss disolving an adoption, but you need to try. Is there an adult willing to take guardianship of this child or to readopt him? Is your daughter in counseling? Living with a dangerous and violent sibling can cause serious trauma to an otherwise healthy child. Do you receive any state assistance for this child? Would they pay for long term treetment? How is mom now? Is she clean and able to care for him now(forget what they told you before)?

Hi Lucy, Thanks for your reply. I will try to answer each as you have asked. What happened to this child during the first seven years of his life? ***Gosh, where to start on this one.... sorry it's going to be long. Ok, from age 0 to almost 5 y/o he lived with his bio-mom and bio-dad (whenever they were together, they never married). Home life was not stable, alot of DV between parents of which he and his older half-brother witnessed. Both parents did drugs and thus home was frequently filled with strangers and people of questionable character. Home was usually not clean, food was scarce, and both kids usually fended for themselves because parents slept most of the day and binged at night. Several calls were made to Child Protective Services by family and friends, and even by the bio-dad. CPS called said they were coming, and she would fly into gear to clean up the house and get food in the cupboards. She even refroze spoiled meat after the freezer door was left open. She cleaned up the mess and wiped down the packeages and refroze it so it would appear that she had food for the kids. Myself and another sister would come take the boys as much as possible to keep them away from home. Bio-mom was frequently evicted from their home/apts and lost majority of their personal property each time. The last time bio-mom was evicted she sent my nephew to stay with her older sons bio-grandfather...this caused alot of family problems for him. So, he in return contacted another sister of mine, and my nephew went to stay with her. Bio-mom could not be found at the time either, she was homeless, and selling herself on the streets. My sister enrolled him into kindergarten, took him to the dentist, to the doctor to be treated for the Scabies he contracted from bio-moms home,etc. Then she began to seek counseling because he was 'acting out'..ie. hitting himself and displaying sexually inappropriate behaviors. (We believe he may have been sexually molested by a 17 y/o babysitter or other drug addicts when he was 3 to 5 yrs). So, in the initial counseling sessions, alot of info was given regarding bio-moms neglect and living conditions of the boys. Counselor in turn reported this to authorities. Authorities contacted my sister who had physical custody and told her she had to bring my nephew into their office or they would send a police car to retrieve him from her home. So, she and I took him to CPS office( we felt the police car thing would be too tramatic for him). And at the time we didn't know that we could refuse to allow him to be removed from her home. Bio-mom had a notorized paper giving our sister permission to care for him and get any mediacl treatment. During this visit and exchange of info with CPS caseworker, my sister being upset and stressed over the situation yelled at her own bio-son ( he was in waiting room) , the caseworker then suggested they leave my nephew with her for a 24 hour period, giving them a bit of respite and also to discuss whether they wanted to continue seeking more permanent custody of him. When my sister went the next morning to pick up our nephew, as the caseworker said she could do the previous day, she was informed that because of the background check done on her and her boyfriend that she could not get him back. For whatever reason my sister did not disclose to CPS worker that she had the notorized paper...I think she was afraid that bio-mom could come take him back and he would be harmed with her. But to continue.... They called me asking for a ride home after leaving the CPS office. They told me that the caseworker suggested to them that if there were any other relatives willing to take him to contact her. So, not even halfway out of the parking spot I reparked and immediately went up to her office to request he come to stay with me. They said the caseworker was no longer in the building so I couldn't talk with her. I took my sister straight home which took less than 5 to 10 minutes. My sister checked messages on her phone right away, and the caseworker that was supposedly not available had left a message. The message was for me to contact her to give her info so she could do a background check to see if we (me and husband) could have my nephew. I gave her all needed info and she said it would take 1 day to process and let us know. I called the next day, she wasn't available at first, I called again later and she then informed me that there was a dependency hearing scheduled for the next day so we couldn't have him come stay with us, but we could go to the hearing. I and a few other family members appeared at the courthouse, his bio-mom was there and they brought his father from jail to attend the hearing. As we found out, bio-mom requested a closed hearing excluding all family members because she was angry at us that CPS had become involved. So my nephew was sent to a foster home at bio-moms request, and after a few months he was placed with his half-brother and the grandmother. During this time bio-mom was given opportunity to change lifestyle and get her child back. Instead she committed a felony and was sent to prison, from there she opted for a rehab facility for the duration of her time.From there (brother and grandmother) is where he came to us at age 7 yrs. During the near 2 years he spent with his brother, who is 4 yrs older, his brother took care of him more than the adults did. Are you reporting these instances of violence to the police? If not, start, you need a paper trail. ***No, we have not as of yet. But my husband and I agreed to do so from this point on because of the very reason you just suggested. I have also kept documents from his schools and behavior modification programs, and have begun a journal to document behavior and incidents. He was once reported by us as a runaway. Pull the kid out of sports, that only makes him worse. ***Because of this recent incident with burning other kids with a lighter we did remove him from basketball. I never thought about this, we have always been told to keep him in sports to keep him busy and out of trouble. Is this because sports, especially football are and can be violent/aggressive in nature? When he first came to live with us we did ban several TV programs such as wrestling, ninja fighter type shows. We monitored his Nintendo games and time allowed to play it. He no longer is allowed to play them at all. We have also banned certain type of clothing...anything that depicts violence in any way. MTV is a major violation in our home...period. TV in general is monitored and limited with all of our kids...mostly trash anyway. Music is strictly monitored as well, for same reasons. We have had to"discuss" with bio-mom the types of CDs she gives for gifts. We have been known to smash and trash a few CDs already. Thanks to her nonsupport, any gift that he receives from her in his mind is not under our authority. To him, we have no right to monitor or remove any item his "mother" bought for him. Her idea of how to get around this rule is to now "lend" him "her" CDs so that we cannot destroy "her "property. Yeah, like that will stop us..not. I guess she can sue me for the amount we owe her for her smashed CDs. LOL Is he in therapy with someone familiar with attachment disorder or at least foster/adoption issues? ***No, we are not currently in any type of counseling. We did attend counseling for over 3 years...he alone and then all of us as a family. Towards the end, I requested that he use the last 6 alloted sessions for himself. But after only one seesion alone his counselor said that he felt my nephew did not have the insight needed to benefit from counseling on his own. Also, the counselor said he felt that we as a family had a good handle on our "adjustment and parent skills" and thought we should give it a rest for awhile. As a result, we also lost access to the Physchiatrist who was treating him for depression. We did continue his meds (Paxil) through his regular doctor, and then weaned him off after 9 months as suggested we do. he is not on any meds at present, but we have been discussing meds for his A.D.D. issues. It's very difficult to find a lawyer willing to discuss disolving an adoption, but you need to try. ****This is what I was afraid of and has lead me to feel discouraged. I have heard numerous horror stories of cases of adoption of trouble kids and parents are just 'stuck' dealing with it alone. We know adoption is permanent, and should be considered as such. It wasn't something we took lightly either. We had no idea what we took upon ourselves though. And are really struggling with the emotional aspects of our situation. Is there an adult willing to take guardianship of this child or to readopt him? ***I don't know because I have not asked anyone as of yet. We have considered his bio-grandfather or a bio-aunt from his bio-dad's side of the family. We are just recently discussing in earnest what we should do, and gathering info on what resources are available, and what are all of our options. That's part of why I'm here, to garner info, ideas, feedback, etc before we take any action. Is your daughter in counseling? Living with a dangerous and violent sibling can cause serious trauma to an otherwise healthy child. ***She was for awhile, and yes, this has been hard on her also. Even with respite and what help we have had with others, it has taken alot away from her. I've tried to give her the extra time and attention, but realistically, there is only so much time in a day or energy I have left after dealing with his issues. I have had to quit my job and quit college since his coming to live with us. Do you receive any state assistance for this child? Would they pay for long term treetment? ***We do receive a monthly adoption support check and he still receives state medical, but only in subsidy to what private health insurnce we have. recently my husbands employer reduced it's coverage, and eliminated many of our benefits. I am just now looking into what financial help we may qualify for so I don't know yet what expenses they will or won't cover. How is mom now? Is she clean and able to care for him now(forget what they told you before)? ***Bio-mom has within the last few months moved about 25 miles away from us which gives us more 'breathing room' than having her jsut down the street. In the last 2 months we have cut back on his time spent with her because of his acting out behavior upon his return from the visits. In some ways, it's alot like having joint custody with an embittered ex-spouse...the same type of games. Because of his recent dangerous behavior regarding burning other kids he is pretty much under 'house arrest' for the rest of the summer. I don't know how else to guarnatee his or anyone elses' safety unless we supervise him that closely. Bio-mom will have her legal monthly visit, but it will be here at our home. I,m not comfortable with him out of my view right now. Bio-mom is and has been clean and sober for over 5 years. She is and has been steadily employed for the same length of time. While incarcerated she did voluntarily take several paranting classes and parenting-related classes. She also has been in counseling, but IMO, needs more. She has specifically and directedly stated that she wants to get him back. But without our help and support she feels she doesn't have a chance. I have stated to her that she needs to consult an attorney on this matter, and if it's at all a possibility, then we will not contest it. I wanted her to initiate the contact with an attorney partly because I was worried at the time (before things were this bad) that he could be removed from our home, and partly because I have this feeling she expects us to foot the costs that all of this will take. We can't do that right now and really couldn't do it back then. Heck, we've even considered the idea of giving him back with the stipulation that she move to another state until he is 18 y/o. But she can't leave this state until she pays her restitution in full, which she hasn't. We've even considered moving to another state, and leaving him with her. But, we wouldn't feel secure in believing somehow that would or could backfire on us legally. In the end, we're the kind of people who want to do things like they're supposed to be..legally, and not pull scams. Know what I mean? It's not hard to see that alot of her attitudes and behavior stems from her guilt at losing him and her desire to have him back. And her belief that she would be the better parent for him than anyone else. But, she has often put her feelings above what should be in her sond best interests, and it causes alot of tension, defiance and bad feelings in our home. I don't think she fully realizes the possibility he has brain damage, but that he behaves as he does just because he wants to be with her. She thinks all his problems or most will be solved by living with her. I could only wish that were so for him, rather being impaired. A funny thing about this first CPS caseworker, she told me that the background check she had to do on me and my husband would atke a day to complete. However, during his residence with the brother and grandmother his caseworker changed. One summer the grandmother allowed both boys to come stay with us for 2 weeks during the summer. I received a call from his new caseworker wanting to know who I was and why he was staying with me, and where was the grandmother? He told me that I needed to contact the grandmother and have her contact him or else he would have to come take my nephew from my home. I was nearly in tears, and asked why he couldn't be with me? He relented only upon requesting info for a background check. I told him that all that information should be in my nephews file as the first caseworker was given the info. He called me back and said that no such info could be found, and that there was no info stating who I was, let alone that I existed or had once requested temp. custody of my nephew a few days prior to the dependency hearing. hmmm? How could that be, I thought. So I gave him all the info he requested, and within 15 minutes he called me back and asked if he could come to physically assess my home. Sure, no prob...you're welcome to come. In less than a half an hour the background check and physical visit was completed and we have permission to have my nephew visit and spend the night. Why would it take 1 day for a background check for one caseworker, but less than 30 minutes for the other? Since all of this, I have heard a few people complain about the first caseworker...not good stories either. And now, after all these years, she is the supervisor over our case. Nice, huh? Several of us in our family wonder what might have happened with my nephew had we been allowed temp. guardianship back in the beginning? We were more than willing to care for him while bio-mom received treatment and got her life together. Adoption was not our original intent, but one we felt we had no choice in...adopt or lose him from our family altogether. Auntiemom2

What a mess. I'm not sure where to start. Sports are a privledge. It doesn't sound like he's earned any. Throw ou the TV, he can't deal with it(yes, I'm very opinionated, but this is too serious to tiptoe around). Your child's history indicates his diagnosis is incorrect. Have him evaluated ASAP by a trained professional with an understanding of attachment. This child's history indicates a good possibility of RAD, not ADD(that's why I asked about his early life). Children with your sons problems should not attend therapy without a parent. Here's the deal, you need to decide which parent. Is The adoption arngement you have with the child's bmom legally enforceable in your state? Can she be cut out without a legal order? I'm only asking because this child is playing one against the other. If you're both going to be involved with parenting this child, you have to get on the same page. That means both moms and the therapist set up guidelines and rules and noone crosses the line. If bmom won't, can you cut her out until the child has become more healthy? The other side, if the kid wants to go back to bmom and you don't object, this should be something a lawyer could figure out. But he can't be allowed to ping-pong back and forth. For your daughter's sake, this would be a good option. Ask the subsidy worker what your state allows for residential. You need to know that if therapy doesn't work. However, if your son isn't in therapy, they'll pay nothing. If your son is violent, you have to report it every time. That's very hard to do, but necessary. Here are my suggestions: Find a therapist to evaluate ASAP. It must be someone trained in attachment therapy. Find out what your legal rights are concerning mom and visits. Access whether mom will work with you for your son's sake. Give your son the rules and expectations in righting. Let him know violent crimes will be reported. Find a foster/adopt support group. You need to start with these things before you can decide if disolving is the right way to go. If you decide it is, a judge will want to know that all avenues to salvage have been exhausted. If you decide to disolve, in my opinion, birth mom is your best option unless residential is needed. Check out [url]www.radzebra.org,[/url] nancythomasparenting.org, and [url]www.attach.org[/url] Read: Foster Cline's Can This Child Be Saved? and Parenting With Love and Logic. Nancy Thomas' When Love is Not Enough(her audio tapes are great) Greg Keck and ? Kupucky's Adopting The Hurt Child And Children Who Shock and Suprise(Randolph, I think)

Thanks Lucy, Were you referring to me in your first response..."what a mess. I'm not sure where to start."? Just kidding. But boy, if you were referring to me I can't say I'd blame you or even be offended. LOL I agree, sports is a privilege and should be earned. And no, he has not earned it either. Which is a shame because he is very gifted in all sports. The basketball was probably more in the effort of associating with positive role models. Something else to try in hopes of finding something positive for him in his life. Yes, husband and I have made the decision to have him evaluated and we're in the process of finding out where we can have this done. We realize that this has to been done no matter where we go from here on out. As for bio-mom, I agree again. This is also why visits have been limited, and another reason why I want her visits in my home and supervised. We have "talked" to her in the past, and while she says she supports us (to our face) her actions don't match her words. As I recall, but admit I need to reread the adoption agreement, she is allowed the visits as long as she remains clean and sober of any drugs/alcohol. If not, we then need to petition the courts to have the visits terminated or require U.As before visits. We just can't say no visits and be done with it. The once per month visit is the only legal standing she was given. But it could be as little as 2-4 hour physical visitation in our home with supervision or overnights as per our discretion. OK, thanks Lucy for all these suggestions. I appreciate it alot, and am going to get on it asap. I have a question though, if you don't mind? You said that you thought that bio-mom might be our best option in your opinion...may I ask why you think this is so? In most all of my conversations with others about her getting him back I hear a staunch..."no way", leaving me to believe this is near impossible. If this is our best shot, aside from residential, then this is what I would prefer for him. The only problem is his little sister, my 3 y/o neice. I can't help but ask, what if he hurts her? Part of me would feel like it was my fault because I know how he is or can be. This is the one issue that keeps me torn. The only way I could feel comfortable would be if he is never allowed alone with her. But once out of my control, I have no say, do I? "a mess"? That's kind of an understatement, isn't it? Thanks again Lucy, and all, for the advice,suggestions and support. I want to say thanks for not making me feel like a major loser or hard-hearted person. Funny, how I seem to be harder on myself than others usually are. It's not been easy to have to finally admit, I can't do this. Thanks, auntiemom

Your his best option. But if you felt it was not doable(and you have good reason to question this)bio mom would be his net best option. Except, I wasn't aware he had a sister, so now that's a poor option for her sake. The reasons mom would have been a good choice: Your original idea was guardianship and return to her when she cleaned up. If she's clean and able and he needs a place to go then let her try again. He has a biological connection to her. His most likely unattached. That bio connection gives him a place to start. He wants to be there and in a few years, that's where he'll run to. Better to start out on a better foot then to land there as a run away. The court will have less of an issue with him returning to a bio relative then going into foster care where his options become limited. They will want to know she is cleaned up, taking classes, and can be a safe home. All that being said, it would be very dangerous for the little girl if he went back.

Hi lucy, Thanks for answering my question. And yes, if it weren't for my sweet little niece I wouldn't have any issue with trying to get him back with his bio-mom. Well, I would have a few, but my niece is the major issue. She adores her big brother and even with semi-supervision, he likes to tease and torment her. He can be very spiteful towards her, and is very jealous of her. He has never been able to understand why smaller/younger children are not held to the same standards and rules as he...for that matter, he doesn't understand why he isn't allowed the same privileges as my 17 y/o dau or any older child. I know some of this could be considered normal behavior, but I won't take the chance. He is highly, highly impulsive, and at the age he is now he's highly interested in sexual issues. As it is, we're concerned that he may rape some day...and I don't even want to think of it being my niece.... nor anyone else for that matter. I was thinking about the question you posed about his life in the first 7 years. It wasn't pretty. I remember that my husband and I kept him for 2 weeks when he was about 6 months old...mom got evicted. I remember going to her house and she would be asleep on the couch, my nephew would be sitting at her side watching TV, and also twisting her hair in his fingers. He would constantly twist her hair and tangle it in a big knot. Also while he did the hair twisting he would suckle like he had a pacifier in his mouth. He still does both of these things, and when we give him a buzz haircut so his own hair isn't long enough to twirl in his fingers, he twists and twirls the end of the dogs tail. At age 2 to 3 years he was frequently left with babysitters or relatives. There were times he came to spend the night while mom went out and she came back for him anywhere from 2 days to a week later. At age 3 1/2 to 4 he was riding his bike alone to the nearby store to buy candy. He would take dollars from his moms purse and ride 5 to 6 blaocks away all by himself. He was often left to feed himself, climbing on cupbaords to reach whatever food he could reach. He climbed up this one time and burned his penis on the stove. There were so many frequent calls to CPS that we couldn't believe it when we received all this info during our adoption process. The stack of papers must have been 3-4 inches thick. But they never took him away after all those reports. I went over to the other board that was suggested and read a list of behaviors associated with RAD, he displays 32 out of 33 behaviors. The only criteria he didn't meet is being in an orphanage. Thank you for this insight, otherwise I would have only focused on the FAE possibility. They're similar in many ways. Strange, even with all the counselors we saw, school staff, caseworkers, not one of them even suggested or hinted at some of these types of behavior problems. Even the behavior modification program he was in never made mention of any of these things. Just what little I know about FAE has been because of my own research and determination to figure out what was wrong. The biggest clue I got after all of these years is when it finally clicked with me..."he doesn't get it. Why? " So to answer this question I started searching on the internet and that's how I ended up here. I understand now why so many parents say they have to become their child's advocate to receive appropriate help. I'm glad I came to this discussion board, I don't feel so hopeless as I did just yesterday, and as I have for the last few years. I just wish I had known sooner. I'm afraid that we just aren't able to continue for health reasons and other private family matters. Maybe if we had known sooner and had all this info when he first came things might be different now. But, I can't worry about that now. I have to go forward. Thanks Lucy and all...once again. auntiemom2

"I went over to the other board that was suggested and read a list of behaviors associated with RAD, he displays 32 out of 33 behaviors. The only criteria he didn't meet is being in an orphanage." You state that he was frequently left with babysitters and paid caretakers, which could amount to the same thing. The more I hear about this child, the more it sounds like he probably does suffer from RAD. I think you should find a therapist who is familiar with this disorder and have him evaluated for it.

"we just aren't able to continue for health reasons and other private family matters." Then it may still be best for him to do any attachment therapy with bmom. If he were able to heal, he would no longer be a danger to sis. Unfortunately, he could also have FAE, but with his background, it would be tough to tell untill the RAD had been treeted. I hope you find the right therapist to evaluate him so you'll know what direction to go.