Reversing an Adoption

Sharon, The reality is, that when you take an older child, it can't be compared to giving birth. The problem often lies in what happened in those first 11 years(especially the first three). It can't be undone and it cannot be ignored. Also, bio children do not have other parents to run back to. There are some who do find strangers to take them in but it's harder to talk your younger sister into going back to a stranger then it is to convince her that the mother who abused her is better then the one who raised her.(she may or may not have gotten better). Sometimes love just isn't enough. And if my bio child ran away and moved in with a stranger and was endangering her siblings, I would treat the situation the same as an adopted child. We are not talking about children whose parents made a loving decision to place them with another family. These are children whose parents abused and neglected them(I know there are often circumstances)and then the kids took a ride through the foster care system which is often very bumpy. It alters their brains and impairs their ability to trust. Sometimes, no matter how much love and help an aparent provides, the children cannot bond or allow themselves to be parented and they can cause havoc to any family. I'm sorry this isn't pretty, but it is reality.

Mom4hanna: "I don't get it. The parents are to consider the child the same as biological, yet the child has the option to consider the birthparent and adoptive parent separate and different." Yes, that's more or less what I'm saying. The child did not make a decision to be adopted into this particular family. The adoptive parents made that choice. Regardless of how my son acts or treats me (he can be very mean on occasion), I am still his mom and always will be. Love for a child is unconditional love. Even if my son someday says, "I hate you. I don't consider you my mother", I will still continue to be his mother. I will not simply say, "Well, if that's the way you feel about it, then let's just dissolve this relationship and go our separate ways." This attitude is inconceivable and totally foreign to me. ~ Sharon

Sharon: yes, my daughters did make the decision to be adopted into our family. It was mutual on all aspects, they were not just placed with us. Missy...after going back and re-reading my first post, I apoligize, as I did indeed call the bmom a "crazy loon". Far be it from me to relate how I truly feel about this wonderful human being. We never gave up on her, she gave up on us. We as parents that have to protect the other children in the home have to do what we have to do. You in every single reply that you have posted have made it seem like we are Monster Parents and are pointing your finger at us. Did she go back to her bmom "running" as you say? Yes...apparently she likes the drugs and alcohol and no rules atmosphere that the bmom tends to have. Unlike here, where we don't tolerate drugs, alcohol, we have rules. Gee...what kid wouldn't want to live where they didn't have to do anything they didn't want too? Guess if I wanted all my children to follow the trail set down by my adaughters bmom...I too would have no rules or guidelines to follow. The reversal or dissolution of adoption is not for the 16 year old...but for the 18. She obviously likes the "easier" lifestyle and not ours or our family. So why not let her go back to her old name, and way of life with bmom? Did I ask if we could send the 16 year old? Yes...she wants to be there, yet she also wants to be here. Tough choice I'd say.

From Lucyjoy: *Sometimes love just isn't enough. And if my bio child ran away and moved in with a stranger and was endangering her siblings, I would treat the situation the same as an adopted child.* YES!! Good answer...thats what parents do! Question... so you wouldn't just pack up the younger one and move her in with the strangers too; cause that was the original question here from Dez. Sorry I came across as hostile, but still I have not altered my posistion on this matter at all...Missy

Pardon me Missy, but I don't believe her bmom and sister are "strangers". She has expressed a desire to be with her older sister. Her Father and I are trying to figure out just exactly what is best for the younger sister's peace of mind. Is it here with us, or there with her sister? We know the answer is with us. Yet how do we as parents...responsible parents go about protecting the younger children still in the home? This includes the 16 year old that has expressed a desire to be elsewhere. What adopted child doesn't hope to be reunited with their bfamily? Is this the right time? Will this be best for her? Will this be best for the family? In all the answer is a resounding NO. We would not only lose another daughter, sister, friend...but it would be sending her back to the problem from whence she came. Would sending her back make her happy? Probably, as she would be back with her bmom and sister. Will she have the advantages that she has now? NO. She would end up very much a product of that enviorment. So, we know the answer to "should we send her back to bmom...since she has expressed a desire". That answer is "no we shouldn't". However, the question is still there...can we reverse an adoption of a child? One that has reached the age of 18 and has expressed a desire to not be involved in this family, and has shown a tendency to put the children in this family at jeopardy? You seem to read only what you want into a post and reply with accusations and pointing fingers. So this is your style. Perhaps if you should stand down from whatever pedestal you have yourself on, you might also read between the lines and see when someone is seeking answers, is confused, hurt, wondering what is best. Maybe then you could respond with understanding, a bit of criticism when needed. Perhaps then you might be a bit of help to someone, instead of all out attacking from that golden pedestal.

"Question... so you wouldn't just pack up the younger one and move her in with the strangers too; cause that was the original question here from Dez." No. But, bmom isn't a stranger. It would also make a difference as to whether bmom had changed her life in the last 5 years. If mom were better, I would try reintroducing bmom and daughter. I would involve a counseler and ask bmom, mother to mother, to consider doing this for the children's sake. But, that's not the way it always works. I have 3 sibs whose 16 year old brother(in another home)kept runing away from his aparents house because he wanted to be with his bmom. She knew she couldn't take care of him, but she wouldn't tell him no either. He went back. He has no rules and no responsibility. He tried to talk my boys into coming back to bmom. They felt differently then he did, but it could have bben differently. Luckily, in this case, bmom called the aparents and they are trying to find a way for all parents to work in the child's best interest. It's very disturbing to be hot lined for abuse a child makes up. It prevents truely abused children from getting the help they need and turns families upside down. Almost all foster parents are hot lined for false abuse. They teach classes on it. It's still humiliating. I don't have all the facts here, but is it safer to let the child run away or to help th child go if they've decided not to stay? I really see no point in disolving an adopion of an 18 year old. If she wants her name changed back, that's fairly easy to do on her own.

Mom4....the thing I truly and calmly don't understand is why wouldn't a parent see and express things differently than say an angry child? If we are the more mature more stabled members of the unit, then yes, we have to see past all of their petty arguements and find an appropriate solution. I am less emotional now, I was never angry in response to my own pain;( I pay $90.00 an hour for a therapist to handle that job) and I never ever see myself as better than or even different than a-parents. In fact, I sense a oneness in All Moms until someone voices an option that I don't have, want, or even think I could consider...giving a child up in response to turmoil, especially tumoil from someone outside the home. There has to be a better way. If this mother, (Dez) this family has gone so far to help these girls, why on earth would they stop now? It can't be simply because CPS is being pulled in. See, Dez, your situation isn't unique. Lots of abused kids pull this crap and an investigation can reveal this for what it is. If you come out of it vindicated, what will you have gained by giving the girl back? What will you have lost? Is it worth it? No matter what you decide all complaints must be investigated...its the law; so stopping the investigation is a moot point now. Heck, if you call them on me tonight, they are coming out. If my son calls them on me, I'll be angry, but even in anger or fear I can't consider putting him in harms way. I can consider putting him in therapy, but I can't take him out of my life forever. I know its uncomfortable. My daughter Kia works for CPS and I have seen the devestation false allegations can cause. I don't wish that on anybody. I don't want you or your 7 year old going through this; but what if it were the 7 y.o. who made up a false story for CPS? What would your options be then? Its just the dinstinction thing with me. I am so sorry you can't see it from my point of veiw; I am sorry that I can't see yours, its just that in my mind I am a parent for life, and like Sharon, I'd die trying to save all of my kids. I have gone back and re-read the other posts, and yes, I was hostile. I was emotional, and I was wrong in the presentation of my feelings. I still strongly believe in them. I was angry and fighting for girls I'll never know, never meet and now never forget. For that I offer a sincire apology, especially to you Dez, for questioning your style of parenting, and for saying you need classes; and to all of the others for pulling you into my emotional tirade.... BTW:......Thanks, Sharon....Missy

"I hear lots of resentment towards aparents...don't ask me to quote them, just read the posts and as an adoptee I love my parents too much to really allow that. Yes, I take it personally.....full well knowing that there are bad parents out there both bio and adoptive. I think maybe when we are responding to a post we need to examine why we are posting ...are we trying to maybe take our anger out on the poster for our own personal feelings?" ~ DPen Donna, I admit this thread has gotten a bit emotional... but don't judge Missy too harshly. She is being provoked into angry responses by others who are posting deliberately hurtful messages to her and then deleting them before others can read them. A few examples: "Like I said, you have yet to walk in an Adoptive Mother's shoes, beings as how you're just a bmom" and "Must be nice to have kids and then have somebody else raise them." To anyone reading the thread, it might appear that Missy or I or others are being overly hostile and judgemental, but for the record I would like to state that games are going on here... people are posting very ugly and hurtful things, which are then being deleted either by the poster or by the moderator. We all have a right to express our opinion, and if I've come off as hostile, defensive or judgemental, I apologize. But to all who read this thread, please take into account that a number of posts have been deleted, and that the angry tone of some responses might be a little more understandable if you could read the deleted posts that they were made in reaction to. This will be my last post on this thread, because I come to this forum for support and to support others, not to play very juvenile and immature games. I wish you all the best of luck with your situations, whatever you decide. ~ Sharon

I admit, that I wrote those two lines...and upon reading the Bmom comment deleted the ending part of it. Though I did leave the "Not an adoptive mom" phrase in there. And yes I wrote the other about our Bmom in particular...it's my opinion of her, seeings as I know her history with her birth children. Was this directed to hurt anyone? No. But at the same time, I come here for support and maybe some insight into a confusing part of our lives with our adopted daughters, and all's I get from Missy is accusations and pointing fingers and judgemental attitude without the benefit of support. She points her finger at me and says "Monster Parent" & "that parent needs parenting classes" & "someone in that house needs legal aid"...that was directed at me...no one else. My comments were not directed at her...and the one that could have been was revised before others could read it. My apologies if others had read it before I was able to revise. I'm not here to cause trouble...to be juvenalistic...I came here for support from other adopted parents, or families that have been affected by adoption one way or the other. Pardon me for stepping into a forum where one is attacked and not support when they don't share the same views. Shall I crawl back under my "Monster Parent Rock" now and call legal aid for my so neglected 16 year old? Pardon me again if you feel that I'm being juvenilistic and immature as you have pointed your finger at me for doing.

Ok Dez....I have apologized for my reaction here, my strong reaction here; like Sharon, I am also leaving this thread; but before I do please know that I never ever called you a monster parent. Not in any post did I call you that nor would I ever call you that. I questioned your choice, but I did not call you that name, and I resent the accusation....thats not even a term I'd use. Maybe its easier to blast me by posting that I did, maybe its easier to gain support by saying that in this hostile thread; but I didn't. You adopted abused girls for goodness sakes, I respect that fact alone and while I don't agree with your question of possibly giving them back, I never called you a monster, or any name.....Missy ps....glancing back over the old posts YOU are the only one who uesd that term to describe yourself....someone asked if my kids ever called ME a monster parent and I responded yes, and worse, some other *M* words...Missy

[url]www.radzebra.org[/url] may have some helpful articles or information. For anyone that's interested, there is an article on there about parenting adopted children with bio children.(Horses and zebras)

quote: ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- Originally posted by mom4hanna from Sharon: " It seems to me that distinctions are being made between adopted children and biological children, and to make these distinctions is to do a grave disservice to adoptees, as well as to all the wonderful adoptive parents out there who feel no differently about their adoptive children than if those children had been born to them." "I don't get it. The parents are to consider the child the same as biological, yet the child has the option to consider the birthparent and adoptive parent separate and different. Most likely the 18 yr old has poor self image from the abuse and is more comfortable with the bmom-even though it might not be the better choice for her future. " _________________________________________________ I didn't do a very good job expressing myself here. What I am trying to say is that we love our adopted children the same as our birthed children. There have been times when moms are sitting around talking about the birth stories of their kids and I share mine, and at times it has a popped into my head about what happened when so and so was born....oh, that's right she was adopted. I know that sounds dumb, but it has happened. However, we must acknowledge that they bring a set of things to the picture (be it genetics, behaviors from abuse, etc) that are outside the afamily. If we expect them just to slide in and fit in as if they were born to us, then, expect a rude awakening. We also are expected to acknowledge that they will want to search for the bfamily at sometime for many reasons. Bio kids don't do this. There are aspects that make them different from birthed kids. Not necessarily bad, just different. I think most of us celebrate the differences. However, we do not celebrate the destructive behavior anymore than we would if it were a bio child. If it were a bio child with destructive behavior (to self or others) we make rules, get help, look for avenues. And we would wonder where we went wrong. With the achild, behaving negatively because of abuse and neglect, we know where things went wrong, but the child may not let us make it right. Some children are so hurt, they will not let you parent them. They think the grass will be greener if only.... And that makes parenting some achildren different than bio kids. You don't love them less or give them less or hope less for them, but often they do need different parenting skills than your bio-kids. The child knows the difference between the aparents and the bparents. From the posts I've read on many of the threads, the achildren don't love them less, but do love them differently, or have different expectations, and do this at different times in their lives. We would not ask an achild to not separate the bfamily and afamily. I'm not saying that they love them less, but they acknowledge the difference. Likewise, I'm not saying we love our achildren less, but we must acknowledge their history and deal with it. LIke I said, the 18 yr old has some issues of identity at this time. Not to love her less, but understand the role adoption (actually the reason she was severed from her history and the fact that she was severed) plays in her behavior. I don't like the idea that I put in years of parenting, hoping for a large happy family, to find out the achild wants no part of us, however, that's the best that child can do at this time. I also had to accept that one achild-now adult, is more comfortable living the life the b family had, and that she would probably have done this regardless of who adopted her. BTW MissyM, I read one of your posts on another thread and was so impressed with your sensitivity. I think you would have responded to DezDale similarly if she had simply told her story and not got on the 'reverse' thing. Perhaps we can support her through this tough time. Many of us know the devastation CPS can put a family through. The first time is the hardest. Adopting older children, it probably won' t b the last. Better to learn how to get through it.

Thanks for your compliment! I am a very sensitive and I think your insight into my issues with this thread is so on point. The thing I was unable to relate is that I honestly looked past the desperation and turmoil Dez must have felt when she posted here and zoomed right in on her asking how to go about rescending the adoption....for that I apologize. After the fueding stopped, I asked myself why didn't I suggest alternatives instead? Why didn't I ask her if she knew that the law will also work on her behalf too, and suggest that maybe she should look into getting a restraining order. I simply zeroed in on the fact that this 16 yo was having to go back.....and being the mother of a sexually abused child, I think thats a fate worse than death....Missy

So I ran into this when I searched about reversing an adoption. I am a birthmother who had my 1st daughter when I was just 16 . My life was hard and I struggled with an addiction so I put her up for adoption. Well we found eachother a couple of years ago. She is almost 17 now. And has been in fostercare since she was 13. The adoptive mother has failed miserably. I've tried to bring her into this process but she just won't communicate with me. Well my daughter is going to be coming to spend Christmas with my family I will put it out there that I'm 35 now and have 2 other children and no longer have drug issues. I am going to fight until my child is out of fostercare and back with me. I wanted to say something about your post. It's scary to think that someone who agreed to love and cherish these children is willing to just go to court and give them back.if you are a good parent it shouldn't bother you if cps comes into the picture I'd you have nothing to hide. I know my door is open to them as I have nothing to hide. I think that people don't seem to get the hardships these children have already had to go through. And for someone who adopted these children. To me you are not a mother. You are supposed to keep them safe. And you failed miserably aswell.

And this bogas reporting.well obviously there is more to the story if your husband could lose his job because of this report. There has to be a sexual abuse claim and that yes the cps damn well better investigate. That's their job. If you have nothing to hide then this should be a breeze. I have a false report from the adoptive mom but I'm not worried at all because there is nothing to it. Your worry and talk about giving this child back. My lord lady you shouldn't have kids because they aren't a game.