I am divorcing the adoptive dad (i am the bio mom) who now tells me he's gay

Is he a good father? Does he have a good relationship with your daughter? I assume that if the adoption was legal in the first place, it is still legal now, and always will be. ~ Sharon

I know you may be upset over his lying, but I'm wondering about the child. Is he/she close to "dad"? Do they have a relationship? I worry how this would affect the child.... It sounds as tho your mad at him, and you want to sever all ties, including any relationship he may have with your child. Did you know going into this journey that if anything every happened (divorce/death/ect) that he would still be "dad"? I think...in the end...mad or not. You need to consider how your child will react to this sudden amputation in their relationship.

Dang, so sorry you are facing this! Honestly, I get frustrated seeing the tone of some of the replies....... as if you are simply a scorned woman looking for revenge. A liar is a liar. You have good reason to be upset, although I doubt you have any legal grounds. A man can be having an affair with another woman, marry you, adopt you kids, and there isn't a dang thing you can do but divorce his butt and monitor things as closely as possible. I believe that trust is a HUGE issue in families and that parents, mothers or fathers have a responsibility to protect their kids as best they can. NOT from a person's sexuality, but rather, from a persons ability to lie (most likely to himself as well) No, whatever you are thinking, I totally understand. What he did was TERRIBLE, no matter WHAT his reasons. But again, I doubt you have any legal recourse. I do agree that his ability as a father should be a consideration. With any luck, his inability to "live the lie" doesn't include his children. Good Luck to you, this won't be an easy road for you OR the kids! Love, Debi

everitte, I see Debi's point, and I apologize for not addressing your feelings in my first post. Of course it's terrible that he's done this to you. Your anger at his betrayal is VERY justified! I know this must be terribly painful, and I'm very sorry you're going through this. However, I still believe that it shouldn't influence his relationship with his daughter. If my father suddenly "came out" as a homosexual, I would still love him and consider him my father, even if it turned out he'd known for years and hidden this fact. And if my husband "came out"... well, I'd be furious, I'd be scared I had AIDS, I'd HATE him... but I would encourage him to maintain his relationship with our child. After all, a father is a father. His sexual orientation has nothing to do with his parenting ability or relationship with his children. I'm sorry if my first post sounded harsh. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I hope you find the support you need to help you through this. Best wishes, Sharon

Normally I like to just read these threads and not reply - But here I feel I need to give my input. I am adoped - and like most adoptive kids, I have a mother and a father - well when I was 21 my father came out and announced to our family that he was gay - bisexual as he put it - but the point was that he was moving out - and pursuing his life. Yes I was angy - I thought how could you do this to our family - I was scared about the whole Aids thing and still am a little but you know - he's my dad. He was the one who was there where I needed him, he was the one who paid for me to goto private schools - camps, etc. He was the same man that I had always called dad - and I still loved him no matter what his sexuality. He is still always there for me - day or nights - he's my dad. My mother knew most of their marriage - actually they are still married, they have the utmost respect for each other - they still work together - eat lunch together - we have even traveled together... We are still a family no matter what... I understand the sense of betrayal that you feel - I felt it and learned to deal with it as I hope anyone in the same situation would - and can. Your parents still love you the same as they would if they were together - my parents do - as I would love my kids the same - no matter what happens between me and their father. Also I would like to point out that my father - like most men who are coming out nowadays were told that being gay - bisexual - what ever you want to call it was wrong - unexceptable - that they were supposed to marry, have families and put those feelings aside and most of these men did. They did as they thought and were told they were supposed to do - because it was considered acceptable.... and most men like my father gave it everything - he tried to make it work with my mother - it just wasn't there - he was gay- it wasn't my mother - he was gay... and is gay. There is nothing wrong with this fact - its just the was it is. I wanted to share this ... because it does happen. I always wondered Would it have been better / easier had it been a woman - NO.... then I might have felt that it was something my adoptive mother did - its just the way some things turn out.... Andrea

To answer the legal part of the question, yes, the adoption is legal, as is the marriage. I don't know of any decision like those that has been overturned because someone admitted to being of a different sexual orientation than they had previously said they were. Oh, people file lawsuits about it all the time, just as they do about spouses who sleep around with the opposite sex, but the fact of it is that regardless of how he "felt" all those years, he "performed his duties" so to speak. He filled the part of husband adequately enough that you hadn't divorced him before this, and he filled the part of father well enough that you asked him to adopt your daughter. The law is most likely not going to view his sexual orientation or his lying about it as dangerous enough to require him being removed from the girl's life or her birth certificate. The law takes quite a strict view of "dangerous" - deeming it to be a life-and-limb question that doesn't view morals as fitting in that category. I'm sorry you and the girl have to go through this.

actually, our situation is a bit more complicated than in my first post. i WAS trying to divorce my husband years ago. he had a major breakdown that required long psychiatric hospitalization and then my taking the "high road" for the benefit of my kids caused me to stay an additional year while he recuperated and became functional. we have been divorcing for over a year now. i was divorcing him then for many reasons, but one of them because his "husbandly' duties, as one of you put it, were not being performed; we had relations on an annual to bienniel basis. but one major issue is still pending: a criminal investigation is underway on him as to whether or not he sexually abused the two children in the home, one of whom is a daughter i allowed him to adopt (my bio daughter). he confessed to molestation and exploitation of the children during his psychiatric stay. as well as afterwards to a custody evaluator, clinical psychologists, etc. the process of discovery is going on right now. if criminal charges are pressed and he is prosecuted, i suspect invalidating the adoption will become a moot point, as his visitation with both his adoptive daughter and biological son would no doubt then be severely curtailed. thanks.