Successful or Unsuccessful Reunion--Lets take a Poll!!!

Shoshana--Sounds like your experiences have been GREAT!!! What a REAL small world we occupy!! Thanks for your response!!!:D S Pete

My reunion is extremely successful. I definitely would search and find no matter what. It has changed my life for the better. Not everyone in my birthfamily has a relationship with me, but five out of six or seven people sure isn't bad. I am very blessed by my adoptive family, my immediate family, and my birthfamily. Sincerely,

SSpete, My reunion has been neutral. It was great to meet and talk to my daughter, but it has been very slow to develope. I think that for me, there was really no choice. I thought I had agreed to an open adoption, and I lived by that. (although her and her parents didn't see the adoption like that.) My daughter is still young (19), and struggling to keep connected. I love hearing from her any chance I get, even though it's difficult and heartwrenching when she doesn't call, I wouldn't change it for anything. I guess there is no "script" on how it's supposed to be...it is what is it is and I am thankful! Great idea for a thread Sspete! :) Chris

SSpete....As for me, My birthmother is scared....sooooo scared of anyone finding out about me, that she has threatened me to stay away and never contact her again...sad isn't it....sad that we may never know each other. Personally, I think there would of been a better way to handle this situation, but I am respecting her privacy, and just glad that I was given a nice life...and continue to have a nice life with my immediate family!!!!! Whenever I do see people that have had successful reunions though, it makes me a little envious of what my birthmother and I could be sharing right now. Hugs, Brenda

I would never regret finding either of my bparents even though both relationships have turned out very differently. The information that I have gathered over the years about my medical history and my heritage has been a wonderful insight to me. I found my bmom about 11 years ago, due to a medical emergency, so this reunion was filled with lots of different issues that most reunited do not have to deal with. In the process of getting to know (or not getting to know LOL) I realized that my bmom is emotionally crippled where I am concerned. I do not think that she can move past her guilt surrounding my adoption, upbringing and medical issues. At first, I was very angry with her because I always felt her "brush me off", as if I really didn't mean a hill a beans to her. I was (and still am) angry that she wouldn't share me with any of her family. I have a 1/2 sibling that has no idea of my existence. I am mostly sad though for our loss's and lack of relationship. Sad that we couldn't have a relationship where we could get over all the issues and accept that the past is just that..the past or at least move beyond it's grip that it has on her. I would say that this reunion, for the past 11 years has been very unsuccessful. I found my bdad about 4months ago. I was only able to find him because I was persistant. There was a definate attitude from my bmom that she didn't want me to locate him. This reunion has been at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Although we are still in the beginning stages of reunion, there has been nothing but acceptance, love and geniune caring for each other. I felt an instant connection with my bdad and even with my 2 siblings. I think that they feel the same way, but only time will tell. Having said that, our reunion still has it's challenges as with everyone that is on the rollercoaster. I know that even though we sometimes are confused by each others actions, I know that we both seem committed to making it work. I would say that this reunion, even though it is still young seems to be developing successfully. As much pain that my reunion has brought with my bmom, there has been as much happiness during my reunion with my bdad. I would not trade either experience as they both have been part of my journey towards self discovery. tlee

I would do it again in a heartbeat. I could not reunite with my bmom as she had passed away a few years before. But I have the brothers and sisters that I always wanted. It is like Christmas everyday!!

I've not forgotten what life was like before Susan and I reunited, so whenever I feel myself wanting MORE I just backtrack to those empty days and the sun shines again. Life would be dull and empty without that dear family. I can't imagine life without my two teenage grandangels ... the cards, flowers, letters, emails, pictures, videos, IMs and LOVE. Yes, I'd say I'm comfortably content now. Though I do confess that the early years of our 17 year reunion weren't so comfortable! The Rollercoaster ride was a real stunner. Hugs, Carol

As my "reunion" is so new, it is hard to say. It is definitely hard. If I were to stop trying, I believe my relationship with my birthmother and sister would be over. My brother seems more inclined to keep in touch, but the family doesn't really seem that close. At least not close by MY standards! LOL The standing joke around here is that the kids kiss me goodbye when they go to the bathroom! It was like that in my home growing up as well. so.....speaking to one another every couple of weeks is foreign to me. But that's ok, I can learn! If I had entered into this with expectations of validation of immediate loving connections, I'd be in trouble. But, I didn't, so I'm ok! I still have hope for the future....my life has shown me that things always change. It is VERY cool to see people who resemble me.....that I didn't give birth to! LOL Boy, talk about ego! Love, Debi

S Pete wrote: I am finding myself searching the board seeing how many reunions turn out good and how many turn out not so good. I would love to hear what each of you think of your reunion if you are involved in one. Would you search or respond the same if you had it to do all over again??? Looking forward to hearing your answers!!!! ``````````````````````````````````````````` I'm a bmom who finally got to meet my 27 yo bson (D) in June, '03 after all those years of not knowing whether he was dead or alive. First contact was 12/18/02 through the adoption agency mediator in a letter, and I think that was really the best way to go - glad he found me, although I had registered with ISRR about 10 yrs ago with no results. It was always up to me whether to respond or not. It took me a week to decide. I would say both he and I are quite happy with the way things have gone, especially that we have found many similarities (tend to be emotional, empathetic, thin, and the list goes on and on). [See the story I wrote at the Successful Reunions thread.] Unfortunately, his mother (amom) is not very accepting of her role in this reunion. I wrote to her - she got my letter the same week as the reunion (no response as yet ); even reaffirming that I know that D. respects her as his Mother and that I consider D. a special friend; also, that the last thing I would want is to interfere with the special relationship that they have. D. has told me he has tried and tried to get her to talk about it, but she cannot. I advised him to just drop it for a while, but it will have to be dealt with at some point as he hopes to get married perhaps within the next few years, and he does not want that to occur unless we two have met. His adad is fairly quiet - D. does not feel especially close to his parents. I think they did the best they could raising him, although he wishes he could've had a sibling. As for my family, of my 3 sons, (21yo, 19 yo and 17 yo), two get along fine with D., one is pretty non-responsive at this time. I think it is good that they are all old enough to understand the situation and took it in stride. It was all News to them! My DH was quite apprehensive about D's real intentions, although I was not. He is much more open to D. now that they have been able to meet a few times; I think he sees that D. is sincere in wanting and keeping up a long term relationship. I would indeed respond the same - I was very moved by his heartfelt and open first letter including photos!! What a flood of emotions we both had during those first months. Incredible, miraculous, heaven sent -- thank God we found each other! Maybe I can get him to post a response as well.

Reading the stories here and how each as been touched by their own reunion experience is really something!!! Thanks everyone for sharing with us--Let's keep it going!! :D S PEte

You know whats going on in my reunion at this time; its bad...really bad, but its also been really really good at times, so to answer your question, since Tovia was adopted by a neighbor and I was always able to see her and know that she was OK.... I would have to say NO I would not contact her and allow her to disrupt my life the way she has. I would have just continued to watch her from the sidelines without her ever knowing me as her b-mom.....Missy

After 48 years of searching in my heart.......I finally found the courage to actually begin the search for my birthmother. Little did I know that in 45 minutes I would have my birthfamily's information in front of me on the computer screen.......(man.... if I had thought it would have been THAT easy I probably would have done it SOONER) I had known my original birth name all my life and also knew that my bmom's dad had died at the age of 44 before I was born.....SO.....one day I decided to plug my last name into a death index at ancestry.com and then scroll down until I found someone who matched this information.......BINGO.. didn't have to look long. There in front of me was his name.... and when I clicked on it for his family.......there was MY original name at birth as one of his children.....it was a bit of an unusual name so I knew that I had found who I had been searching for all my life. (I had been named after my bmom's baby sister) It took a few more months for me to get the courage to contact my bmom.....but on my 48th birthday I had a good friend who is a reunited bmom make the first call to MY bmom... (just in case she didn't want contact......I didn't want to be the one to hear that).......BUT it was the opposite.....my bmom was grieving that day as she said she had that day EVERY year.....and we had an unbelievable conversation that lasted over an hour. It took a couple more months for her to be able to handle meeting me but it's been one WONDERFUL ride since then. Not only did I find a loving mother and her great husband..but I also gained a wonderful sister and 3 fantastic brothers who have all welcomed me with open arms. I joined 24 cousins, 3 aunts and 2 uncles... a VERY large and loving family that I am thrilled to be part of... this past weekend I was with 2 brothers and my sister at a high school reunion where a few heads were turned as I was introduced as their "sister"......their friend's reactions resembled deer in headlights! I have met my birthfather who married the second girl that he got pregnant....(nice guy huh?)... no relationship or any contact after that first meeting has occured. I have 3 more brothers and 2 more sisters from him that don't even want to meet me......after hearing some of the comments that have been made about me (a cousin from bmom's side married a brother from bdad.....so I have insider information...hehe) I'm not sure that I would EVER want to meet them either......I DO have one regret in this all........not searching sooner....but as my baby brother put it......it was the right time... and was what we ALL needed..... With opposite reactions from my bmom and bdad......I have felt both love and rejection.... but even the rejection is better than not knowing at all for me..... Good luck in your searches and reunions.......sal

Last October, I actually found my birthdaughter when I was trying to locate my niece and nephew to tell them that my brother had passed away and I had somethings I thought they should have. It was only 6 days after my brothers passing that I was looking for them. But this was the second brother I had lost in the last two years. So when a friend of the family e-mailed me that she had found the phone number of my daughters amom and dad. I spent the next twenty-four hours trying to decide if I should contact them or not. I had also just buried my 40 year old niece the month before. I decided that life is just too short and I should at least contact her parents. I left it up to them to decide if they should tell her. Actually I just wanted to know if she was even alive. When I made the first phone call, I met the most wonderful woman in the world. She thanked me immediately for loving my daughter enough to let her be adopted. We spoke and cried together for an hour and she told me she would let our daughter know about me. That evening, my daughter called me and it was the second greatest gift I had ever received. Having her of course was the greatest, even if I was just 18. We talked several times after that and finally met on October 20th. I would not trade that day for anything in this world. We had the greatest time and parted promising to call each other soon and often. However, she has had time to think and I guess, maybe I wasn't what she hoped I would be. After all she has a wonderful family. Her mother is absolutely everything I have ever prayed she would be for my daughter. And her dad is a delight. I met her asister (who was also adopted) and they have a very close relationship. So it of course was a bittersweet reunion. She has everything I wanted her to have, but no room for me. But at least I know she is healthy, happy and has a great career. I find strength in this knowledge. So I guess you could say, "Yes, I did have a happy reunion, I will neve for get it." Dawn

Dawn--Thanks for sharing your story!!! Don't give up yet---try to keep in communication with your bdaughter every now and then and she very well may come around. Sometimes after the intial communication it takes a while to work things out. It is not you or anything you have done----this just goes with the reunion process!!! Good Luck and Blessings!!! :D S Pete

I am in reunion with my birthfather. I contacted him 3 months ago, he phoned me as soon as he got my message and i met him the next day. It left very little time to think but what did that matter..... i had thought about making contact for years. In the end it was spur of the moment. I had met his mother the month before. Unknown to him that i had already contacted his family. The reunion went fine. There was nerves and apprehension but it wasn't awkward and all the worries about do i shake his hand or hug him, what will we talk about etc were all a waste of time. It happened naturally. The emotions really started after we met. I thought that would be the end of my emotions and questions. How wrong I was. It really has been a roller coaster and sometimes i do wish these feelings would go away but i would not exchange the reunion for anything. It means a great deal to wake in the morning and know he is alive and where he is. Contact has been frequent (a few times a week) but i get scared when a DAY passes i don't hear from him. I keep thinking he is going to break contact. That fear of he left me once, he could do it again? I don't know why i keep thinking like that as he assures me this has been the best thing that had happened to him and he had been hoping i would get in contact with years. I contacted Couisins via e-mail. The two i've contacted have really wanted contact. which has been the icing on the cake. I have met an aunt and uncles and 2 other cousins also. Everyone has been lovely and they have been "checking up" on me frequently via phone. Wanting to know if i'm ok, how my reunion with my birthfather is going, if there's anything they can do to help, that they are always there for me, and when are we going to see you again. When they contact me it gives me the reassurance i need. As i made the initial contact i didn't have the luxury they did.... They KNEW without a shadow of a doubt i wanted contact. The only negative is my birthfather's wife. I think she hates me. I do not have any ill feelings regarding her and would like to have at least a polite relationship with her but i think she resents my appearance in their lives. They have no children and i think she may be frightened that she will be forgot about or something. Telling my family about the contact was the hardest thing i ever had to do (much harder than facing my birthfather). I felt like i was disappointing them, hurting them, being ungrateful. My mother was upset but understood. In theory she was supporting me but in reality she wasn't. She was putting pressure on me at a time i had enough pressure. She was scared of me leaving to live with him. She was resentful that "after all these years he is coming back NOW when all the hard work has been done) (i was not adopted). I understood this and tried reassuring her that no one could take her place but i needed her support. Now i THINK i've got it but who knows. MY brothers and sisters have been great. My father does not know about the reunion. I don't have the heart to tell him. I'm in my early 20's and wish i had contacted them at 18. I feel so much negative emotions consumed my teens. On the other hand if i had made contact then or they had contacted me i may have been so consumed in my anger and disappointment that the reunion might not have worked. The reunion is a success. I do wonder will it continue to be. Only time will tell.