Re: How an open adoption can close

That was my nightmare. Likely, if more of us knew early on, we can make arrangements to take extreme measures to hold onto our children. I am now thinking to take b-fathers family up on their offer to take legal custody for the first five years so I can get my financial affairs in order. I'm sorry, but I think most will agree, a child is far too precious a gift to lose forever especially if you give and get treated like an it without emotions.

The "adoption slam" is a serious risk. What starts out as a supportive, caring relationship with the afamily often ends up nothing more than a memory a couple years down the road. The laws need some serious restructuring. We can be forced to make good on contracts as inane as a gym membership, but not on contractual updates where human lives and emotions are involved. This makes me sick. Read the posts from all sides of the triad...the pain is universal. It damages everyone involved. Apriejoy, I would strongly suggest that you give the bfather's family's offer some serious thought. I would hate to see you back here in a year, broken hearted, because you were duped like so many of us have been. Don't misunderstand me...there are some really awesome afamilies out there, several of which I have met here on the forum. But there are also some real selfish, egocentric individuals who will tickle your ears and stick a knife in your back while the hug you. It's a gamble...and the ante is your child. Unless you are shooting for a closed adoption, you better be real careful. Sorry if I sound negative, but I have been living and breathing this search for a very long time and I would hate to think you could ever be in the position I am now. If I had been offered any of the support that you are, I would never have had to be here. Best of luck in your decision. Debra

Hi, I am an a-mom to three. I was reading something here the other day that made some sense. Someone mentioned that they thought that the best way for a pre-birth mom to select a family is to only look at couples who have adopted before and have continually stuck to and maintained their part of the bargain. I know that even years down the road that a-parents have changed their minds, but...if someone is really considering placing their baby and is very fearfull, this might be some indicator of how things might go. Of course this would exclude some wonderful couples who are adopting for the first time. What do you think? Would this help calm some of your fears? I remember when we were adopting our daughter (number three(: and the social worker told her b-mom how we sent the pictures and letters religiously. At the time I did not think much about it, but I guess if I were her, this would have comforted me to some degree about the promises being made. I am so sorry for all of you who have been duped by those a-parents who give the rest of us a bad name. My sons' b-moms have never picked up any of the pictures and letters that I have sent. (and they did not disclose personal info. and wanted all sent to the agency). People need to remember that it is about the child and not about their own stuff. Everyone who makes a commitment to openess needs to honor that commitment! Becky

3inCo, You are right this is about the child. All I can say to aparents who are in open adoption and the bparents don't chose to meet their side of the bargin, is to make sure you totally document the fact that you did do your part. I'm actually thinking of the aparents - ie that is you can truthfully say to your child that you sent the photos etc as originally agreed to. If the bmother/father never picked up those photos or turned up for visits they will have a lot of explaining to do to their bchild. Aparents who close an open adoption will also have a lot of explaning to do and will have to live with the fact that they will have destroyed a bmother's life to some extent. I want to see many adoption law changes to protect the interests of all sides - esp the child. Although children need to be protected from abusive bparents they don't need to be protected from their history. lol banjo

I have read many posts from aparents that have tried to maintain an open adoption only to have the bioParents not keep in touch. If open agreements are made to be legally enforceable I would hope that it would work both ways.

I should have already left my house to be on time to an appointment on the other side of town, but these words have been resonating in my mind since I read them so I felt compelled to log back on and address them. A birth mother who presses for an open adoption and then just disappears is shameful. If she finds that contact is painful, then get some counseling. That child will have enough to deal with later in life; to complicate their emotions by rejecting them twice is just plain sorry...no nice way to say it. Then 18 years later they are on the forum crying and moaning because they want to "know" the adult child. It's hard for me to imagine being so cold that I wouldn't even make it down to the agency to pick up pictures and updates. I'm sure this will rumple someone's feathers, but so be it. I have zero tolerance for this level of selfishness. Nobody is forced into open adoptions, and those who want them should be sure that they are going to be "human" enough to hold to their end of the bargain. Just my opinion. Debra

Hi, I am an A-mom who never promised anything with our daughters B-parents, but did try to remain open to the B- grandmother. She totally ran over me and caused so much stress in our lives and tried to control our every move. She literally made my insides hurt. I was up front with her about what type of relationship we could have, however she did not keep up what she promised. As a new mom bonding with our daughter who needed alot of TLC because she was neglected by the birth parents and was suffering from failure to thrive I needed her and I to be on the same page- she had her own agenda. So- I offered her to go to counseling regarding adoption- she wouldn't ( offered 2x) Now I don't have contact with her. Now- she probably goes around saying how I --the A-mom won't have contact anymore. I could spend hours telling everyone the things that she did and it would blow your mind. I intend to keep tabs on where they are for my daughters sake and let her have some control over her own visitation and destiny with them, but for now- no contact. Sometimes the B- family can cause the A- family alot of stress. I wanted to be a mom living my normal life with my husband and daughter. I didn't want to be dragged into custody issues, visits with drug addicts and felons. So everyone keep in mind not every A-family cuts off contact because them want to sometimes they feel there is no other choice.