Parents Ready To Give Up On Foster-adopt Child!

I'll save you the trouble. A spanking means nothing to an abused child accept that all adults are untrust worthy and eventually beat their kids. Don't let anyone talk you into doing this. I know it's tempting when nothing else seems to be working. Did you receive any training in attachment parenting? It would be helpful to find a therapist trained in attachment disorder and foster/adopt children. You sould be involved in the therapy. Be very clear about the rules. Change the consequences to maintain control. Check out [url]www.nancythomasparenting.org[/url] and [url]www.radzebra.org.[/url] Do not finalize until you have all needed services in place and future needs written into your subsidy agreement. I would recommend reading Parenting with Love and Logic and Nancy Thomas' When Love is not Enough. There are many other helpful resources, but I'd recommend those for starters. Be careful how you react to the negative behavior. If she knows it bothers you, she'll continue to do it. She is fighting for control because she feels out of control. Allowing her control only makes her feel unsafe. She needs two united strong parents who are strong enough to love her through her anger and pain. She doesn't yet trust you to do that. It's very common for kids in this situation to intentionally destroy clothes. You can allow her to wear them that way, use hand me downs, garage sale or thrift store clothes, or have her do chores to earn money to replace the clothing herself. Also, remember kids do play on their knees and do odd things with shoes, so some wear is more normal than some would think. Keep a log of behaviors and situations that occur so when she lies about you, you have some evidence of her behavior. Do you have access to speak to former foster parents? do you have copies of her paperwork that might show you a pattern of behavior? This might help you find the right kid of help. Good luck and keep posting.

Thanks so much LucyJoy for your kind words of wisdom and support. I tell you after reading your response, I can truely say I need to journal our day to day activities. We were doing them, but not on a regular. We are in some counseling, but not as a family or group. My daughter would love to keep in touch with prevous foster parents but they are hard to get in touch with and don't really want to respond to her. I feel they think it would be best for her. My husand and I have talked to them initial, and everything they said to us about her is incorrect. Unless we haven't seen that side of her yet! The daughter they had and the daughter we got are TWO different persons! We do have a therapist,but she won't be able to see us until the end of this month! Two months without any therapy. Our daughter does have a psychologist and is in bio-feedback, it seems to be working through her anxiety. She was previously on a number of meds, and went cold turkey before arriving with us! I had no idea we were making this worse by letting her see us react to her negative behavior. I will talk with my husband about that. It does seem to work for her, when she thinks she is in control. I will look at the links you suggested with my husband. Thanks so much for reading me vent and exhale. Our honeymoon comes and goes, but by far last night was the worst night of my life as a parent.

Another suggestion is to also find some sort of Respite Care, so that you and your husband can emotionally take a break on a regular basis.

Julianna, thank for that suggestion too! My husband and I were just talking about we need to get away for a small break so we can vent and revive one emotionally. Thank God for friends, because being that we are a military family, there we don't see to many immediate family members, and it becomes hard to be able to trust sometimes. We pretty much, have to stick to ourselves, but we do have some friends that are stepping in to give us a break! Thank you again.

HI, been there, done that and I got the T-shirt! We have two adopted children who came to us when they were just 7. They are twins. We have seen all of this behavior. Our daughter was supposed to be the difficult one but it was the opposite when they got here. Our son behaved terribly. But our daughter just fit right in. Together they were h---- on wheels and they still are that. I found that I had to keep them separated because they fought viciously. My daughter did not like me at all at first but finally one day when they had been here about four months, we just started laughing at each other and she told me that she was jealous because our son attached to me right away and she thought HE loved me more than her. You see they only really had each other all their lives and then when it came that they were going to have a forever family, she thought she had lost him. My son is great now - my daughter is still alot of work but I love them both so much I would never think of doing anything but keeping them. We are totally committed to them. Believe me, have strength - you will feel awful for awhile yet. You will want to send her back. Hold on and keep her and keep going. Also call your local DFS office right away and have a social worker come over and do a family assessment to provide you with services. They will send someone to your home to counsel her and teach you both how to deal with her. Also make an appointment right away with a PSYCHIATRIST and let him/her know what medications your daughter was on. If you don't want her on medication, she has to be weaned off them gradually. Finally after my kids had been her two years, my son told me that he acted up in every home he went to because he thought his first foster family who they left when he was 4 1/2 were his real parents and he thought if he acted up, then he would get sent back there. Of course as soon as a social worker would take him to a new placement, he would realize that it wasn't that home he wanted and he would act up again. These kids DO NOT TELL you what is going on. They don't have the words. They just act out. Inside that little girl is very, very scared and she is fighting with all she has. These are the only survival skills she knows. I've got to get to bed now but I will write you more later. Don't give up on this child. Just hold on - these kids are not monsters with machettis and machine guns. They are just little kids and as awful as they can behave, they will come out of it. Get lots and lots of support for yourselves and your husband and try not to worry too much.

I had back surgery on Sept 18 and still feel terrible---It seems like so long ago, but it hasn't been......... I am still tender and hurt at the end of the day. Bending down is hard and I need so much understnding from my husband and children and everyone I know....... I cannot imagine how I would be feeling right now had my back surgery been the day two strange people came and got me and told me they were my new parents.........They say they love me, but I still hurt--i am tender. I bet they really won't love me if they find out how bad I really am. I don't even like myself--why would they like me. People have said this before and proven they didn't really mean it.....these two strangers have no idea who I am--how could they say they love me? New clothes....they feel funny, not right. Don't these people know I only ware hand me downs. They feel stiff and wrong on me---I don't deserve to look this pretty. These people have a nice house, I don't belng here.... There are no other kids for them to pay attention to....I am under a magnifiying glass---my last home had 8-kids in it, I got away with so much more there....i miss the other kids....I miss not being the only one to get the blame for the mess in the living room. It was better at that house. How scary her life must really be right now. How many people have already let her down...and then you ride in on the white horse and save the day.........maybe you will fail her too--she thinks. If her self esteem is low she has no reason to think you will really love her when you get to know her. I remeber being 9--at that time my parents wee Gods to me. I could not imagine life without them. I used to cry at night just thinking about them getting in an accident..... It was that time for me when I was starting to understand so many things... Fear the world and question everything. I wanted daddy to love me so badly I made my mother crazy. It has to be so hard for her. And if she has attachement issues it must be a nightmare. Our 5-year old came to us 10-months ago and the ride has been unbelievable....... If you would have asked me how I was doing at 8-weeks I would have showed you my new gray hair and the ice I needed after falling on the kitchen floor during one of those tantrums....herniating two disks and on pain meds (thank God) I wanted to quit...... She chewed on her clothes and cut them with scissors.....she hit her baby brother and actually bit the cat! She had tantrums that lasted for hours! And if you came within 20 feet of her she started screaming, 'stop hurting me.' She said she hated me--i was a mean mommy and she didn't want me. She wanted daddy to find a different mommy. If I said i like how she looked in red she trashed everything in her closet that was red. If I said I didn't like Barney---she went shopping with daddy and bought everything Barney had to sell. If I said I liked the dinner we were having she wouldn't even take a bite.... She would sit in the chair and moan as if someone were pinching her.....for hours on end. She seemed to take joy in hurting me, the cat and her brother. Anything I said no to she wanted even more.....anything I wanted her to do she wouldn't do....or she wouldn't do it the way I asked her to. She made up stories about her old life that were not true. Went to preschool and told everyone that we made her do the dishes and change the babies diapers at home. If she has a scratch on her arm she said i did it to her. She picked her scratche to make them bleed at pre-school. She slapped her leg to leave handprints on them and told her teacher i hit her there last night. In ten months we have had a ton of counseling.....every week. I have read every book and tried all sorts of things....slowly ever so slowly she is coming around. But, it only takes one thing to be setback three steps. We told her the adoption would be final anyday.....she went crazy for two weeks. But, still every day one little step at a time she is coming around...... last night she had a bad dream and for the first time she came to me instead of daddy---I couldn't sleep the rest of the night because my smile kept waking me up...... one little thing so simple as that means such great progress! The first 6-months of our transition were a living h*ll. EVERYONE told me I needed to give her a good spanking....... I told them all "why so i can remind her of her birthmother?" I am not in competition with her--- We have told our family they can visit here and that she will not have sleep overs with grandma---if grandma thinks a spank will fix her grandma can wait until she is fixed. If family can't deal with her family can stay away. My sister-in-law insisted oneday on taking her shopping at the mall....when she threw a tantrum and fell to the floor screaming bloody murder---she had no idea what to do..... no more mall trips. Our daughter comes home from school all the time and says she wishes someone elses parents were hers. One time we went to an ice skating birthday party and the other childs dad helped her on the ice....after the party I said, 'Gracies daddy sure was nice" she said--"I wish Gracies daddy was my daddy" One night on our way out of a family dinner she told her aunt, "I wish you would adopt me" I all HURTS but, i cannot let it show. EVERYONE else has a better mom and dad.....everyone else has everything better......but, these things are happening less and less often. It is still only 10 months and I realized somewhere around 6 months that she would need so much more time then I do. By the way the last time I wet the bed my first husband was in it. I was 18 years old. I hd wet the bed everynight of my life. I didn't want to take my wet sheets off either---it was embarrassing. I would have rather pretended it never even hapened. Sometimes I even did -- sometimes I just let them dry and crawled back in..... I couldn't help it.....I tried everything I could to not wet the bed. Soemtimes I stayed awake nearly all night trying not to wet. But around 3 a.m. I fell asleep and woke up wet in the morning, tired and ashamed...... I wish no one had cared about that problem. Or if they cared they would have realized that I tried my best--and then not rub it in my face. I wish my mother would have just changed my sheets for me....... I did that for my birthson who wet to age 11.....I never said a thing about the problem we just looked for ways to help him....but, i always went in his room and stripped his bed and snuck his sheets to the washer. I never said a word to him.....it wouldn't have helped him stop.---I knew that. So I figured whats a mom for but to help him keep his deepest secreat. When he was invited to sleep overs i always took the blame and said it was our rule he had to sleep in his own bed.....I would pick him up from the party befor all the guys started to sleep....and he could tell them i was just an upthight mother....it was the least I could do to help him keep his honor. Most children do not wet the bed on purpose! Who would.....it really hurts no one more then the one who wakes up in it................ Best of luck and I hope you start feelng better--I need to go take advil, my back is still hurting some.

I was so intoxicated after reading your message and placing myself into the shoes of my daughter. I never really looked at the situation that way. I feel so so bad, and started to cry when I continued to read and just thought about how much screaming she has been doing, how much fighting she has been doing with us. Just thinking about how she treats other parents and kids, is so much better than she ever treats us. I couldn't explain it, and it hurt just like you said, for her to tell us about another parent or stuff others were doing for her. My husband and I treat her and love her like noother would. I just never thought it would be this way. I see now into her eyes, especially after being one of nine other kids at last foster home. My daughter was on five different pills, but she is down to one kind..strattera..she is doing alot better since I first tagged this message. She was previously on strattera but for some strange reason her psy doc changed the dosage and she had been out of control. She would stay up till midnight everynight, and longer if we let her. My daughter talked to me the other day, and told me that we lie to her. She told me that I tell her one thing and do another, and then when she ask me about it, i don't remember telling her that! I tell her she can go outside and ride her bike, or she can play outside with friends, or she is doing great and is off of punishment, but when the temper tandrums come, I place her back on punishment, forbide her to go outside for anything, and she thinks i have lied to her, she doesn't understand the consequences of her actions. We talked about her behavior and how we as a team can help one another understand each other without the yelling and screaming or lieing about teachers and children hurting her. She even hides her homework from After school tutorial programs tells us there is no homework. We have started a journal with the teachers who come into contact with our daughter, and so we can be a step ahead of her, and keep her own the right track! Most of her homework should be done there, and if not we finish at home, and check at home, then dinner is served. Two nights ago, she had a terrible tandrum for about three hours before doing her homework, eating and going to bed afterward. It was 11 at night! She just refused to finish her homework and rather scream outloud for awhile and release some tension, then she finished. Last saturday she ran away from home straight to her friends house after we took all her recreational things out of her room..tv,vcr,movies,dolls,all toys..only thing left in the room was her clothes,bed,shoes,nightlight. She said we hated her and she was leaving. I placed her in her room,my husband went to take a shower and she left out the front door, in pj's and houseshoes. She went over to her friends house and told them we were going to kill her, and that we spanked her. They brought her home, and we are so afraid for her. I was so worried, and we talked about that and how much it would hurt us if she was hurt or kidnapped or worse. She understood, and promised to never do that again. I think it was all about attention. I just don't know sometimes. She told me just yesteday, that she really does love me and that she prayed to Jesus, that he would help her stop being so bad, and become a good girl. She also told me that the devil is always looking at her, and making her do bad things. She told me she sees him all the time. My daughter told me,the devil wakes up with here every morning, and goes to school with her and lays down with her everynight! We pray everynight together on our knees. At first she would just say her prayers in bed, but now we knel down together and this seems to help more. She told me that God killed the devil the other night! I really really love this child! She really has so much life in her and she really does wanna do good, she just has so much rolling around inside her head, and I have learned that if I talk really slow and calm with her she feels comfortable to tell you just about everything she is feeling at the time! She does have attachement issues, and will occasionally cry for her sisters and brother, but we help her by calling them and it helps her greatly! Sometimes we are overwhelmed and don't know where to start, but we are taking it one day at a time! I know she will come around, I know she will. My husband ask me the other day if I wanted to still give up on her, I told him, Jesus didn't give up on us. Look at how much we have put him through over the years, and he still loves us! If we give up on her, she won't have anyone, or nobody to care for her unconditionally! I told my husband we are planting seeds in this beautiful bright child and all the watering will one day spring up some beautiful Flower! Thanks so much for setting me straight and being so personal with me. I love everyone's comments, they help more than you can imagine. Thanks Gatey One day at a time....

I hope you don't feel badly for too long...... I think adult time is so different then kid time..... You really have not been doing this for very long----it seems like a million years ago that I was at 8-weeks from placement/. Back then it felt like forever and now it is so far in the past..... things do start to get better.... Do you remember how it still felt 2-months after your wedding? Keep the faith up and I think you will all work this out--from those of us who have been in that first time period it really does strart to get easier.

Thanks I couldn't feel bad for very long because I am at work and everyone was her cheering me up:) . I have great co-workers who can see past al the fake smiles I have sometimes in the morning. They really help me out alot. I am doing alot better. I have found that writing about what is going on in my life helps a great deal. I feel like putting things out on paper somewhat relieves stress for me. I also like reading about others, and knowing that others are going through the same scenarios makes it alot better. You are such an inspiration to me and others on this message board! God bless you. V/r, Gatey

This post made me think about a video I saw at a training. I don't think I will ever forget it, or be able to read the transcript of it without tears. Here is a link to it: adoption.about.com/library/foster/bltransitions.htm[/URL] I hope I did that right. Here are some quotes taken from it (just to encourage you to read the whole thing!). . . I want to talk to you about what it feels like getting ready to be adopted, when you are a little kid who has already had about a hundred mothers. . . When some of the people who took care of you were called "foster parents" and you didn't know what that meant except something about they weren't going to stick around. . . . Kids like me, see, don't have families of our own. because there's something wrong about us. (I guess) Or because there aren't enough to go around. Or something. . . . After a while I had lost too many people that I might have cared about. I had been with too many "parents" who really weren't because they couldn't hold me tightly in their hearts at all. . . . And so now I won't let you imagine even for a minute that I like you. That I need you, desperately. That I might ever grow to trust you. . . . I will make you sorry you ever thought about trying to get close to me. I will make you feel almost as small and helpless as I have usually felt. . . . Okay, I am tearing up again. The video is really powerful. It's written by Michael Trout. The only voices you hear are those of children. As I read it on-line I hear just the way the children said it. I wish that every foster parent, cw, judge, GAL, etc. could see it.

I remember this is training too! I get inspired over and over for reading this and I remember crying while watching the video as well. I am so glad you shared the website with me! I can use these words of encoragement over and over again... Thanks so very much, Gatey

Keep on with what you are doing. This child is pretty difficult but I have heard it all myself. What I think they are doing and what I know my daughter was doing is using defenses because they can't and are afraid to say what they are really feeling which is "I am scared and hurting and I really want you to love me and keep me." You see to feel that way is very risky but to feel angry and say hurtful things is not risky for these kids. Also the anger thing is a lot of what they have seen and heard themselves and they just don't know any other way to behave! Right now my daughter is sitting on the couch here in our computer room, with roller skates on and a guitar with one string in it, berating me because I don't feel like going out and going shopping tonight. Now she is poking the guitar at the dog. This is going to be a tantrum tonight. Anyway what you need to do is try to distance yourself from her and be the parent. These kids will manipulate like crazy to get what they want and it just takes time and experience to not be taken in my them. Just always remember your committment to her and don't give up. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Gatey- I saw your post from last year & wanted to comment. It was exactly how I've been feeling about my 2 kids. My husband & I were placed with 2 kids, ages 4 & 6 last July. It's been from very bad to worse to just okay! Everytime it starts to get a little better, one has to stir things up again! The 4 yr old has told us & others that he wants to chop them up, slit their throats, cut off our cats heads, etc. He is also an ADHD child with reactive attachment disorder. The 6 yr old has tried to run away, climb out the windows, beat the walls & door with a curtain rod, etc. He has attachment disorder & is sexually reactive! So, we've had our challenges from day one!!! The reason I post is the same reason you did. I keep wondering why am I doing this? When will I feel like their mom? When will I love them like a mom should? And can I? It's VERY hard moving through the day to day!!! Families don't understand & friends don't either. IF you get one that does, you're lucky (we have 2). My suggestion for you is the same as what we are doing!! Focus HARD on what the system can provide for your child. Keep in constant contact with therapists & caseworkers. It sounds like your daughter may have attachment issues in which traditional therapies & discipline do NOT work!!! If this is the case, you have to see a specialist to help move forward at all. See advice in couselors & keep looking & pushing until you feel they really understand what you are telling them. Check out Reactive Attachment Disorder! [url]http://www.radkid.org/signs_and_symptoms.html[/url] Good luck!!!

Have you attended counseling? It sounds like your daughter has been thru some real tough things in her 9 years.... I'm sure a professional would be of great assistance. Goodluck!