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On another thread a prospective adoptive mother spoke of the birthmother changing her mind and deciding to parent when the baby turned out to be a boy instead of girl.
Interestingly, in international adoption, at least, in countries that have as many boys as girls available the wait for girls is longer because Americans prefer to adopt girls.
A New York Times article this fall wrote of a study that said families that had boys were less likely to divorce, that in families with two girls there was a statistically higher chance of a third pregnancy (presumably trying for a boy) than in families with two boys. The authors of the study saw both of these as an American preference for boys.
So I'm wondering what people think of these two contradictory facts. I have some thoughts:
1. The NYT story also mentioned a class /income difference in families with a preference for boys than girls. I suspect it's more prevelant in certain immigrant communities, which may not the same sectors who adopt internationally.
2. American think of girls as easier -- so if the family history is unknown, they may think there will be fewer problems with adopting a girl.
Speaking for myself, I know many more mothers with two sons who secretly wish for a daughter than the other way around, so I was surprised by the NYT story. Second, we wanted to adopt a girl because my brother and my cousins all have daughters similar in age and no sons. We had more experience/contact with little girls as a result.
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when i first started fostering, i did not specify race or gender only age (under 2) and that the child not have any need which would stop him/her from attending daycare, as i am a single person. i did however feel that if i ever adopted as a single woman, it would be a daughter. my first 2 foster children were girls and they were returned home. my 3rd foster child was a boy. i just did not see that coming. now he is my son and i could not be happier. sometimes what you think is right for you, really is not. now, i know that if i adopt again, i will not care if the child is male or female, i can handle whatever comes my way.
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Originally posted by joymom
Funny story... when we were matched with our youngest, we were told he was twins. When he was born, we were told he was a girl (confusion because several births happened the same day). When I called back later that night, they said he was a boy. I said: "Forget it. I'll check the diaper when I get there and name him/her/them then!"
In our first adoption I wanted a girl but not enough to make it a deal breaker. I am the oldest in my family and the daughter of the daughter of the daughter of a first born girl for 7 generations, I thought it would be cool to continue the trend. The first baby we were presented with was a boy and I jumped on it, weithout hesitation. With # 2 we were doing a foster/adopt so I could choose the sex and I waited for a girl. That was the only adoption where I was adament about the sex. I waited the longest for that placement (7 months).
When we adopted a third time I prefered a boy because my youngest child was a girl and I tjpought the rivalry issues would be lessened if they were of the opposite sex. I had a preference but not enough to specify. We didn't know until Sam was born that he was a he. With # 4 a girl would have been nice (balance) but I was much more concerned about the relationship with birth family. As it turned out we got a girl but we had boys names lined up just in case.
lisa
I'll add my two cents since I'm an AA parent about to adopt an AA child.
Working in the social service field I'll tell you that there are many more AA boys waiting to be adopted than AA girls. Society overall has a fear of black men and I don't know if that has anything to do with the adoption of black boys or not. However, my agency did tell us that there is a much higher rate across the board of bi-racial adoptions (black/white) and the gender most specifiy for are girls. I have my own opionions as to why so many people would like bi-racial girls. IMO I think alot of the bi-racial girl preferences has to do with what people perceive the child will look like when they are bi-racial. Not judging, just stating my opinion.
We have requested an AA boy or girl. We don't have a gender preference because this is our first child. Now, in terms of easier or harder to deal with I can only tell you that as a former high school teacher it was MUCH EASIER dealing with the boys than the girls. My husband is currently a high school teacher and he agrees that the boys (teenagers) are much easier to deal with at this age. For whatever reason girls were "mouthy" and usually had attitude problems....I kinda remember that stage myself :-)
Anyway, for domestic adoptions I think you will find that with AA children girls are prefered over boys...the same goes for bi-racial children.
I am a mom of four boys - two biological and two adopted (and AA in fact).
My first memory as a child playing was "praying" that God would turn my doll into a REAL baby girl. I only have a sister and have ALWAYS wanted a girl.
When I was pregnant the first time, I just assumed I was having a girl. I COULD NOT WAIT for my little girl - loved her to bits ... lol and out came Tanner (whom I called "she" for at least 6 weeks).
Then we adopted a sibling group and I just KNEW that at least ONE would be a girl ... and along came my other two boys.
9 months later I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant 2 days before my husband was going in for a vascetomy... and just knew that God was answering the desire of my heart and this was my girl. And of course, along came another boy. We found out this time early in my pregnancy and I GREIVED HARD for the loss of "my little girl". Three solid days of tears and grief ... I knew OF COURSE, that I would passionately love another son (and I do) but it was the loss of the dream of having a daughter.
My husband does not get it. Never cared either way just loves his kids and thinks FOUR is plenty.
I ADORE my boys and wouldnt trade any of them for any girl anywhere HOWEVER saying that, if we were to go the adoption journey again, I know that I would desire a daughter ... but please dont show me a photo listing of any boys because I also know that could NEVER say no!!!
So yes, I would request a girl. Saying all that, we did adopt a sib group of AA boys ... and the swer did tell us that in fact it was harder to place aa boys ... particularly older ones because they stop being cute and start being scary around 8. Anyway, I love my household of NOISY, SMELLY, GROUCHY boys but it sure isnt how I imagined my life ...
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We had no gender preference and would not if and when we choose to adopt again. I can certainly see that in high school, even middle school, boys could be SO much easier than girls. Having said that, at 17 months, my daughter's male playmates and their mothers seem to have a much more difficult time. Our daugther while very strong willed and assertive is task oriented and calm; she likes books, music, has a clever sense of humor and plays well with others. The boys, on the other hand, are rowdy, constantly in motion and diving head first off of everything. These differences are not encouraged or a result of socialization, they have, interestingly, been very apparent since shortly after birth. I think those mothers have it so much harder than I.
I am a birthmother. I knew in advance what my child's gender was, and I did tell prospective adoptive parents with whom I was seriously considering a placement.
As to whether or not there is a girl preference and why, I read somewhere that "scammers" are more likely to claim their "baby" is a girl (or twins).
Diane, you mentioned that more boys are born than girls. Actually, if gender-selective abortions are unavailable, the birth rate results in about 51 percent girls and 49 percent boys. From an evolutionary standpoint, that makes sense, as it takes a woman nine months to gestate a baby, and she only has once egg to produce per month, while a man can produce millions of sperm each month and father many many children. So from a survival of the species standpoint, having slightly more women than men results in a greater chance of survival. In countries like India and China where boys are more highly valued than girls, years of gender-selective abortions, infanticide, and adoption are slowly skewing the population, resulting in many more men than women.
Back to adoption... my theory is that many people are more comfortable with the idea of adopting a girl than a boy because an adopted boy will carry on the a-father's last name, even though he bears no genetic relationship to him. A girl on the other hand will be more likely to give up her a-parents' last name when she marries.
I actually had one set of prospective adoptive parents inform me that they already had a biological son and were prepared to ONLY adopt a newborn girl because they didn't want "someone else's biological child" to carry their last name into future generations. I guess the a-dad was big into genealogy or something. I knew I was carrying a girl but asked them what they'd do if I had a boy. They responded that they had some very nice friends who wanted to adopt who'd take a boy, and that they'd helped several friends adopt baby boys when "their" birthmom had the "wrong" gender. Ugh. Needless to say, my baby girl did not go to these people.
Emiliesfirstmom....
That adoptive couple doesn't sound like they should adopt at all! Thank God you found out about their slanted views. I think it's sick for adoptive couple to say we only want a girl because we don't want the adopted boy to carry our name. Where do these "weird" people come from? Anyone who feels that way about a child should not adopt at all. A man, who doesn't want a son because he doesn't want the boy to carry his last name, should have been excluded during the homestudy process. What happens, god forbid, if the girl they so desperately want, decides to keep her last name when she marries or even if the man takes on her last name. Would they tell her no, you can't do that.
Attitudes like that, make my blood boil!:mad:
I am an adoptive mom to my beautiful Asian son (I am not Asian and neither is my husband) We are hoping to adopt an Asian girl because I have always wanted to have a boy and a girl (even before I found out I couldn't have children). We have had 2 fall-throughs in matches because the birthmoms found out the baby was a girl and that changed their mind. In light of this, I now REALLY would like for the birthmother to know what she is having beforehand so that she can be more comfortable and informed with her decision BEFORE she gives birth.
I talked with another birthmother who understood our desire for a girl and knew she would not have any trouble finding a family for her baby boy - and she didn't. BTW she and I still have contact and I am still helping her through the pregnancy when the adoptive parents can't. I am very happy for the adoptive parents that she chose.
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emiliesfirstmom, that's pretty close to the opposite of what I learned and what I can find available in statistics today. [url]http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005083.html[/url] is an example of the stats I'm finding.
The evolutionary reason I was given (way back when!) is that more males die during childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood than females. Therefore by the time most adults in their 20s are having children, the ratio of males to females has become close to even.
Interesting, huh?
After having 10 foster kids I know that ALL of the boys I have had were very hard to deal with. I don't know if their circumstances and natural chemistry and aggression combine to make them this way or what.
The girls I have had have been much calmer. This is in younger kids, 7 and under.
Now, to totally do an about face, the OLDER boys (7 +) I have had are easier than the older girls I have dealt with. Give me a teenage boy anytime, I dread what I have coming with my daughter in 10 years!
When we were planning our birth family we didn't have a preference but I secretly wanted a girl first. Probably because of my close involvement with my mother and sisters and I want to keep that bond going with my children. Or a sense of self protection involving toilet seats. (My house, seat down!)
But our first placement was two brothers and I did get used to everything boy...except the stinky sock smell that took over their room! I bonded with my boys and would have adopted them in a heartbeat but it wasn't to be. Then we got girls, two toddlers about the same age. My house suddenly became glitter central.
I try not to force gender rolls but little girls seem naturally drawn to glitter, pink and purple.
One of these girls needed a family so we were able to adopt her.
She is a tom boy so I guess we got the best of both worlds.
I would love to have boys too but I could be very happy with a houseful of girls.
Perhaps it's because in my family the woman are the strong ones, we seem to running things. Both of my sisters and I are attached to men with very strong mothers too.
Paula
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After having 10 foster kids I know that ALL of the boys I have had were very hard to deal with. I don't know if their circumstances and natural chemistry and aggression combine to make them this way or what.
The girls I have had have been much calmer. This is in younger kids, 7 and under.
Now, to totally do an about face, the OLDER boys (7 +) I have had are easier than the older girls I have dealt with. Give me a teenage boy anytime, I dread what I have coming with my daughter in 10 years!
When we were planning our birth family we didn't have a preference but I secretly wanted a girl first. Probably because of my close involvement with my mother and sisters and I want to keep that bond going with my children. Or a sense of self protection involving toilet seats. (My house, seat down!)
But our first placement was two brothers and I did get used to everything boy...except the stinky sock smell that took over their room! I bonded with my boys and would have adopted them in a heartbeat but it wasn't to be. Then we got girls, two toddlers about the same age. My house suddenly became glitter central.
I try not to force gender rolls but little girls seem naturally drawn to glitter, pink and purple.
One of these girls needed a family so we were able to adopt her.
She is a tom boy so I guess we got the best of both worlds.
I would love to have boys too but I could be very happy with a houseful of girls.
Perhaps it's because in my family the woman are the strong ones, we seem to running things. Both of my sisters and I are attached to men with very strong mothers too.
Paula
You are such a clever person to post this thread! It's very interesting. My husband and I are in the middle of our homestudy, and have already talked about this subject extensively.
We both prefer girls for different reasons. I had 5 older brothers and my best friend of 20 years did too, so I pretty much was bombarded by boys all my life. I have a "little" sister, who I still baby. The nursery for our future child-is in lavender, lilac, and pink. :)
Don't get me wrong-if someone walked up to me this minute with a baby boy, don't think I wouldn't welcome him with open arms! And he would be loved and spoiled.
My want of girls also stems from past abuse as a child, and I think I would be able to parent a girl better. I hope that doesn't sound terrible. but it's true.
So, everyone has their reasons, and they have to be true to not only themselves, but their future children.