Baby behavior in older child

Oh, goodness, yes let her do it. Regression with children who have attachment disorders is a GOOD thing. Some attachment specialists describe it as the child needing to regress to a time in which they themselves were more trusting. They can play the part of a trusting child easier with those props. Definately use the time to work on some bonding practice. Even better would be a baby bottle she drinks while lying in your lap looking at you. But if she's resisted stuff like that in the past then personally I'd let her bring it up. Since she's diagnosed I assume she's seeing a therapist, so you can ask the therapist if the bottle is a subject that you should bring back up because of this little beginning step from her, or if you should let her lead. The therapist could also give you some things to practice while she's using the sippy cup. A friend of mine with a child who has RAD is having some mild success by showing different drinking containers holding different liquids, and having different places to drink them. In a regular glass is water, which she can drink any time she wants. In a sippy cup is juice or milk, which she can drink only while sitting right next to mother and holding hands. In a bottle is chocolate milk which she can drink only when lying in mother's lap and looking at her. Every once in a while she chooses the bottle, and those little times are starting to add up for her in a child who trusts just a little bit more after each of those times. I wish you luck!

Dear Lorraine, I agree with Sanders that your daughter needs professional help. She needs someone who has a working knowledge of attachment problems. However, I for one do not agree that the reverting to younger behaviors is not okay. I believe as you do that she may need to spend some time comfortably in the developmental stage that she did not successfully navigate previously because of the abuse/neglect etc. This is just my opinion however, and I believe your daughter's therapist will help you deal with this issue. Sincerely, Saj

In reply to Sanders9876, my daughter is in therapy, weekly. We see an attachment therapist. We also run a very therapeutic home. Structured with well defined limits. She tests our limits constantly.... I just wasn't sure if this was a test, or a need for her to revisit her childhood. She is also developmentally delayed (around a 3 or 4 yo in some areas). In fact, we got her a baby doll for Christmas. She never had one before and she has been very nuturing towards it. I wasn't sure how she would react to it and I have been pleasantly surprised. I kind of wondered if that brought out the wanting to be a baby in her. If it is a test, I agree, it needs to be stopped. Oh, also, she isn't taking any meds at this time.

Regession shows you she is feeling SAFE!!! Safe to be the baby she never got to be! Safe to learn what it feels like to be a baby and have a mommy who loves her! Safe to experience the life she should have had the chance to experience! YES--It goes without saying that your little girl NEEDS good counceling---OF COURSE! However, there is nothing wrong with this regression and given that your daughter is RAD this could be a break through chance for her to experience bonding---With YOU. I have a five year old who has displayed serveal periods of regression over the past year...... We have used those phases to from a bond! I hold her like a baby and let her suck on doll bottles. We just talk about it later and how silly it would be if her firend saw her do this---We talk about this being our time to pretend we have always had each other----I play dolls with her, I rock her like a baby, and I blow on her tummy, tickle her like a baby and do all the mommy---baby play with her. My daughter also has a baby brother---one day she watched me dressing him and playing with him and she said, "I don't know if anyone ever did the baby loving play with me?" So I said, "Well in that case I guess we better do it right now!" Regression is NOT testing the boundries..... NOT at ALL. Of course we do need to help our children understand the "Time and Place" rules of regressive behaviors. And that can be done simply by GIVING her the time and place and by your participation in the time and place. We tell our daughter that the tippy cup is for the baby--except on Friday when she has early release from school and she can use the tippy cup at lunch..... We also allow it in the car. We tell her that other people will not understand when they see her playing baby--so that is a game at home only. By giving her permission and a place and by being directly involved I think I have actually been able to make the foundation of a bond with our daughter who also came from sever neglect, abuse and was identified as a child with possible RAD. Her favorite time of the day is when I rock her like a baby before bed.....and she coos and giggles like a little tiny baby! For Christams she got a realistic doll that coos and crys, giggles and laughs and she has not let go of her.

I too adopted an older child and this IS a very positive sign -- she is allowing you to become the "mommy" the baby=her never had. I would maybe put some boundaries on it ... like you can suck that pacifier but you must sit with mommy to do it. Or sure, the sippy cup is JUST FINE, but come and sit on mom's lap. I would, too, advance to a bottle if she will let you. Offer to feed her, dress her do all those things you would do if she was a toddler ... she obviously needs it! When we did those techiniques with our kids you would NOT believe the difference in eye-contact and attachment in a matter of DAYS. We also bought a "teething" toy for our 4 year old and he loved it. For the first year or so after placement, our oldest son would LOVE to play baby -- and as Anna described, he would actually revert to an infant, crying an infant cry, burping like a baby etc etc ... All the reading I have seen says that this behavioural regression is possible up until the age of 9 and should be encouraged where possible.

We have regression behavior in our six year old and eleven year old, but to a lesser extent - our 11 year old wants to be held like a toddler on my hip at times and <<oof>> at 90 lbs I have one sore back! Also when we're in the pool she wants to be held like a baby in our arms (less painful). I talked to the therapist and she said go with it to the extent we can - okay. It's also much, much easier to endure some of their behavior if you remember you're dealing with a little kid in an 11 year old's body (like shopping at Christmas). Also, our 6 year old loves being treated like a little one when he's relaxed and in private (watching TV I'll pull up his shirt and blow on his tummy or play peek-a-boo). I think it's a good thing to let them get out some of the younger behaviors and needs.

Our now 5 yo also has RAD. We got her at 2 1/2. She thought she was a grown up and had grown up responsibilities placed on her at that young age. We read "holding time" and used it with her. We gave her a bottle while snuggling with her and looking into her eyes. We let her regress to an infant and reparented her. She is successfully healing from her attachment disorder and is bonding with myself and my husband. She is still having a hard time trusting, but with time she will know by our actions that we are trustworthy. Her brain is wired for fight or flight most of the time. I would let your child do what she needs to heal. What has your therapist said about her regression?

Our therapist said what many of you have said here. That she needs to go backwards in order to move forward. She cautioned me not to be too optimistic. She said it takes many, many steps for a breakthru... Last night she climbed in my lap and asked me to hold her. She calls it the "7 year old hold" instead of the "baby hold". But she wanted to be held like a baby. She still can't tolderate us calling anything "baby", but I figure it doesn't matter what we call it as long as we do it. She still won't have eye contact with me when in this position, but it was a first to even want to be held like that. I also have read Holding Time and tried to impliment it, without success. It would become a battle and I felt that any progress was negated by the fight. We did tell her that she could only have the sippy cup while sitting on our laps and she actually seemed to like that idea!!!!

One thing I try to do with my nearly six year old daughter---at least three times a week is to hold her as you are and spoon feed her ice cream......... There is a theory that spoon feeding ice cream or hand feeding her something like carmels will cause the brain to build connectors simular to those of an newborn being breast fed? After only a few nights of our ice-cream rocking my daughter started to make eye contact---and now she not only enjoys my feeding her, but also enjoys feedin me a bite or two---the eye contact has greatly increased just because of this exercise.