Help! Possible Kinship to take our (2) fd's

Another question. Where has the aunt been all this time when the kids were in this drug/abuse environment? Does DSC take this into consideration? Why is she just know stepping forward.

The fact that she is a birth relative will probably....and should probably take precedince over foster parents, where the children have only been in care for a month. Yes she will have to be home studied, I believe, or least her home and lifestyle will have to be approved. In my daughter's case.....everyone wanted her....bless their hearts, but none of the several birth family members who came forwaed qualified. What they did in those cases was put the family members on a plan just like the birth parents to try to be acceptable to parent. Some of the birthfamily dropped out of the "compitition". The birthgrandfather however got him into a position where he would have actually been a contender for my child. I had had her for 18 months at that time. The birth grandfather and the birthmother took the high road and looked at the attachments that my daughter had with my family and they relinquished her to the state so that I could adopt her. I doubt that the age of the aunt would be taken into consideration unless she is unhealthy. I was older then my daughter's birthgrandfather. I was in my fifty's and had three under 3. Yes it was hard but not impossible. Saj

My question is that their aunt (dad's sister) has now stepped up saying that she wants to take the (3) girls, (they have a baby sister who is also in care). This woman is in her mid 50's. My question is in regards to adoption do they always pick kinship over foster/adopt parents? Nearly all state caseworkers and Judges will decide to place children with suitable biological relatives before placing the child for adoption with anyone else. The relatives do have more rights in the case where parental rights are being terminated. Do they take age into consideration. I think that it would be difficult to handle three kids under the age of 4. All three of the girls have attachment issues. Many people at and near 50 are being offered the chance to adopt children from the foster care system related or not. In most cases age alone will NOT disqualify a relative placement. I have seen people in their 60's adopt grandchildren. Does the aunt have to go through the same stringent investigation, background check that we do as foster/adopt parents? Yes, anyone who is going to adopt or have a child placed who is currently in the State care would need to pass a homestudy process. We just found out about the aunt last week. How long could it take for the Aunt to be approved? It would depend on how long the office takes to process the homestudy and when a caseworker or judge decides to make a move. It could be quick or it could take 6 mos or longer. I am so sorry to hear this has come up for your situation. I know this must be very difficult for you. Foster Families have one of the most difficult jobs I know of.... The first requirement is always reunification with the biological family and one of the first steps the state is required to do is search for suitable relatives who are interested in adopting the children. The Foster family is almost always second to any other relative placement. I am sorry this is happening in your case....If the aunt is a suitable placement in most cases the state will place the children with her.... Why is the thrid little girl placed in a different home? Was this your decision or the States? Because the other factor that may work aggainst you is the desire to keep siblings together. Were you offered the chance to Foster the third child? Please keep us posted I am sorry I had to give you bad news but this is one of the things I hate the most about the Foster to Adoption program most Foster Families end up fostering several children before one is adoptible and it has to HURT.

She was not even aware of the children's situation. Perhaps there was a family estrangement. One of the first jobs of Dcf is to look for any possible birth relatives. That may have been when the aunt first found out about their situation. I know it is very hard to think of giving up the children even after just a short time. But remember...and you will hear it over and over again on these boards. If those babies are yours (are meant for you) they will be with you. Also remember from my previous post that just the fact that someone steps forward, does not mean that they will get the children. I' not sure but in my state I don't think relative placements get the board rate and support that foster or adoptive parents get. I don't know why but I think that is the fact. Once the aunt looks at it realisticly, she may back out. Especially if you are willing to have an open adoption. One more thing to think about is that the longer you have them, the better chance you have of keeping them. Its a very hard and emotional roller coaster...Adoption and foster care are not for the faint of heart. Much luck to you. I hope things work out for you. Sincerely, Saj

How difficult, seashell. I'll try to answer your questions to the best of what I know. First, yes, most of the time a relative is preferred as a placement over a foster family (whether or not the family would adopt). Reunification is always attempted, and the state would usually like to have the children with a relative than a non-relative during that time. There is usually a clock ticking once a child has entered care, and after a certain time has passed the foster parents would be considered before a relative who just stepped up - but that time is ususally after a year or so, I've never heard of that time being as short as a month. I'm sorry. But yes, the relatives are checked out. Homestudy, background check, interviews with children she's already raising, etc. I don't know if it is quite as rigorous a check as what foster parents go though, but it is a check. Some relatives have indeed been denied, especially if there is something definate in their background - like child abuse, their own children being removed by the state, unacceptable adults in the home, etc. Sometimes the age of the relative and difficulty of the children is taken into consideration, sometimes not. Sometimes relatives are approved for some children, but not others. And yes, sometimes where the relative was and why he/she didn't step in earlier is considered. But it's very easy to say that she hadn't been in good contact with the family and simply didn't know. Sometimes the check is done quickly, especially if the relative presents herself as a law-abiding, upright citizen who just heard about the HORRIBLE conditions her young relatives were in and who wants to keep the kids "in the family". And sometimes the check is long and drawn-out, especially if the worker doesn't believe the relative can care for the children but doesn't have any hard proof to deny the placement, and she's hoping the relative decides to stop or that the time limit would pass and she could leave the children with the foster family - sometimes such tactics are successful and sometimes they are not. I'm sorry, seashell, but if the aunt is a decent person who really just found out about the family problems, then she might be successful in getting the children moved to her care. The children just haven't been with you long enough to give you much of a pull for them to stay. I'm sure in secret you wish the aunt will turn out to be a horrible person, but I'm equally sure you know better than to admit to yourself that you hope that. If you can do so, it might not hurt for you to talk to the aunt yourself. If you can assume she'll get approved, and begin talking to her about the children in your care, one of two things might happen - first, you could educate her enough about what they need that the move to her house would not stress the children and she'll be able to provide the care they need, or second, that she could make the educated decision that she cannot care for them and wants them to remain with you and stay in their lives only as an aunt figure. Either of those would be better than the fear you have, and the trauma the girls could endure if they were moved abruptly to someone who didn't know how to care for them. {{{HUGS}}}

We lost one fchild to a family member and we have two children now who had a family member come to court to try to get the kids. We had them for over a year when she came forward. They did a background check on her anyway to do a homestudy on her. It turned out her own kids had been in foster care bc she abused and neglected them. The person was on her fourth husband and was collecting welfare bc she said she couldn't work (overweight). She said she couldn't be on her feet too long during the day. Then how the heck was she going to keep up with a 3 and 5 yr old? Thank goodness I didn't lose these kids. They already had attachment disorder and didn't need another move. Just wondering what happened with your last fd. Did she move? How are you doing?

Yes, our previous fd left us in December. She is still w/in the same organization, so we see her once in awhile. She is doing well. With our current placment of the 2 fd's we are still waiting to here if the Aunt will be approved for Kinship care. We did here that she is 55 not married, works and has never had children. How she thinks she can handle 3 girls 4 and under I don't know, plus she is under the impression that she will have them "until daddy gets out of prison" which is not very likely. The oldest and youngest have RAD. The oldest is very parentified and is very rough w/the 9 month old. That is one of the reasons that they are not in the same placement. Plus the aunt only wants the three girls and not their 1/2 brother who is 7. It is all getting very crazy wondering, will the girls go to the aunt, etc. Right now we are just playing the wait and see game

seashel--This has to be soooooooo stressful for you! I am so sorry you are going through all of this.... I sure hope it works out for the best! Please keep us posted!

seashel, let me explain the other side of the fence a little for you, because that's where I'm coming from. I'm one of those relatives that got custody. (I actually got to meet the foster parent and thought she was fantastic and my husband and I are eternally grateful to her for her help with raising our son.) I will only give from our side of what happened to give you an idea of how things happeneed for us.

Boys were taken into foster care Oct. '02. We were asked by grandmother to take kids and we said yes. Mother told social worker that there wasn't any relatives to take the kids- yes, she lied. (She thought if she told them nobody could take them, they couldn't be taken.) Nothing came of our volunteering.

The boys were returned to her for an extended visit in mid-March and promptly removed in the beginning of May. (She tried to have one committed to a mental institution during this time, sold the child's medication, ran up bills with the kids social security numbers....) Grandmother already had custody of the oldest child- girl, but didn't want the boys. We were contacted again with this removal and said yes again. Mother lied again about anyone that could take the boys.

In June, the grandmother told us to contact the social worker, which we did. Mother found out about possible TPR and then said, oh yeah, I have cousins that will do this. In the meantime, the bfather's family came forward and they weren't approved for his child- refused home visit and drug testing. He also wasn't contacted until the children were taken the second time.

We had to fight long and hard to get all of the paperwork, states to even speak to each other, and everything the court needed for us to take them. We sued for custody in court and won.

It isn't always about the relatives not coming forward, many relatives don't know, as in our case. That entire line won't speak of anything negative their kids do, unless it's in the newspaper. (Believe me, they're in and out of jail, but if we ask where they are, they're fine and out of town.) We only knew they were taken and had volunteered to take the kids, but nothing came of it. Nobody would tell us anything, when we asked. We actually were told it was a mistake in October after the first time they were removed, so we were none the wise. We did come forward and nothing was done until we hired a lawyer to speak for us.

When it came to all of the paperwork and background checks, we had them all. (Also, we had already gone through a successful international adoption with all of those requirements.) If you looked at the bmom's line in the family, none were suitable to take kids. If you stepped out of that line, any of them, would be suitable.

I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but to see there are many relatives that just simply don't know or aren't contacted even when they've been approached by the family. All of us aren't bad, just because we are their family.

K.