changing names of foster children

hopefulmama, sometimes when people write on a post, things may look a little harsh. When I read your post, I honestly thought it sounded a bit brash and was a little appalled at how little regard was given to the children and their names. Please forgive me if I took this the wrong way. I do not wish to offend. I have heard of several people that called the children the name they wanted to give them and their original first name (I.E. Johnny-Frank, Samantha Jo...) Then the pap dropped the "given" name. With that said, I would definitely recommend talking with the social worker placing the children with you and maybe even a therapist. The children have probably gone through a lot and maybe the only thing they actually "own" is their name. You also might think about if there's any chance that these children may return to their birth home or somewhere else, because changing their name may cause some serious heartache for them and even more insecurity issues. Also, might I recommend talking with some birthmothers, adoptees, and adoptive parents, regarding the statment made about "no one will know they are adopted except if you heard their names". Many children that age will know they were adopted and it may be easier to get some more advice from the people that have been through it from all sides. Please forgive me if I took the post the wrong way. I truly do not wish to hurt feelings. K.

I don't think I was being brash. I was just letting people know that the names are not even at a tolerable level. Their names aren't offbeat, they are almost cruel. Totally made up with no consideration for their future. When I say that it won't be obvious that they are adopted, I mean on a public level. To the average person in the grocery store no one would know. Race isn't a factor that seperates or anything like that. They will obviously know that they are adopted. What I was saying was that if you ran through the name of me, my husband, and our son and then introduced the two little ones, their names are so different that it would be clear that they were adopted or my husband and I were on drugs (if people suppose they are our natural children) We have already spoke with the worker who said we can do what we want with their names when the adoption goes through. We are not the foster parents, we are doing foster to adopt and have been identified as the adoptive family. Their worker said it is hard at that age to do the change and she has seen newborns and older children pick their names but wasn't sure at the toddler age what would be best. That is why I am asking others to help us out with some ways that they might have done it. We are just looking for ideas on how to change the names. hopefulmama

Have you decided on names yet? Is it possible to use both names at the same time? Could you possibly shorten or use a derivative of their "given" names, while getting them used to their new name? Okay, I'm not sure about this, but maybe, what about asking the children if they like the names you've chosen? You never can tell with young children. (My sister shortened their child's name and only use the shortened version- he was 4. The child actually likes it much better and refuses to allow anyone to call him the full first name.) At least with a shortened version, you could start with the name you've chosen as a middle name, just while calling them. If the names are that "different", the kids may actually like the "new" names. Who knows?! Let us know how it goes. I really hope it all works out. Hopefully the kids will adapt quickly and it'll be easy. Also, try posting these concerns in one of the general adoption forums, so it will have more people viewing it. I've noticed the GA forum, really doesn't see a lot of action. Good Luck, K. PS- We were actually thinking about just using our child's last name as their middle name, but the thoughts are really up in the air. He's 3. We are going through a little of the naming dilemma too. We're keeping the first name.

We are foster/adoptive parents. We adopted four years ago from social services. We changed the child's name. As we prepare to adopt again, we will again change the name. We treat it as a special gift from us. We adopt under the age of five. As we have also fostered over 40 children over the age of 11, another tidbit....we would never change an older child's name without their permission or contribution. When we take a small child into our home as a foster child, we give him/her a nickname and save calling he/ she by their given name until the termination process is definate. Then we begin to introduce the new "special" name we have chosen just for them. It works for us, and we believe each child is differnt so you do have to feel that part out. Good luck!:D

My husband and are going to adopt our infant foster daughter, and we've already decided that when we do, we will change her last and middle names. Her first and middle names combined are the name of a famous person, and it seems cruel to keep that name. However, recently I have been looking for advice on the adoptee side of this forum, and have heard from one adoptee that you should never change a childs name (even their last) untill they are old enough to make the decision themselves. She felt that her A. parents "stole" her true identity by changing her name before she was old enough to decide for herself. Anyways, it's something to think about, but I still feel I should change my daughter's name.

I just thought I would pop and and give my opinion. I am an adoptee, I was 16 months old when placed with my family, then about a year later it was made final. My Mom changed my name. It never bothered me. In fact, what it did was give me a 'secret' name for little kid club meetings. No one but me knew why I picked the name I did. I loved it! It made me feel special.

Replying to the person who felt her adoptive parents "stole" her identity...I would look into the root of the problem there. Seems more than just a name change deep inside. I wanted to stress the fact that we do not believe in keeping our adoptions secret. We also have let our child know from day one that he is adopted and there is nothing bad about that. Only good. His parents tried to their best ability to care and love him. It is just a fact that some people's best just is not good enough or best for the child. But they loved him in their own special way.:D

@spitzlvr - I DID THE SAME THING!!!! LOL No one but me ever knew why I always used "Julia" or "Jules" for a nickname. It's my id for most online game sites, my old email, etc. I thought I was the only one who thought that was cool! ;) Our 2 y/o FTA placement will have his name changed if we end up adopting (cause you never know). We don't call him by his given name now; we use a nickname which sounds ALMOST like the name we will be using. We did, however, try to pick a name that was at least "slightly" similar to his given name (same first letter, etc.). His name now is normally used as a really big dog's name, so I think he'll appreciate not having that name when he's in high school - OUCH! About the person who said their parents "stole" their identity when they changed their name (even their last name?!?!!). I think they must have had other issues besides that. You can't hate your parents just because they gave you a different name. I was a year old, and apparently had no issues with my new name. I don't turn around when someone yells "Julia!". If YOU want to change baby's name, that's up to you. BUT, someone else said on a different thread (maybe even a different site) that since you are FOSTERING right now, you are entitled to baby's original birth certificate. Once you adopt, you can only have the amended BC, so if you can find an excuse ;) try and get baby's original BC for them to have when they get older. Would be a nice thing for them to have, to show what their parents named them, plus it has their parents names, doesn't it? Or, the long form does, not just the little card.... maybe it'd different in Canada. :) Rambling now, going to go bathe the babes and get them ready for bed! :) ~M

Thank you so much for everyones insights. It has been helpful to have the many ideas for changing their names. I have an adoptive brother and sister who each had different names before my parents named them. Niether sibling had a problem being named by our parents. I'll always remember my brother telling me when my sister was adopted that they were luckier than me because they got "chosen" by my parents and my parents just got "stuck" with me (birthdaughter). For the lady who feels her identity was stolen, I am sorry you feel that way. I am sure that your parents just wanted some cohesion and connection.

I was adopted and the woman changed my name. I have never been happy about it. My name was Savannah, a name given to me by my Native American mother. The woman that adopted me changed it to Sarah. Then she turned around and abused me and gave me back to the system but kept my older sister. She also changed my bio mother's name on my birth certificate to hers. Now I am struggling trying to change my name back and put my mother's name back on my birth certificate. If your child is old enough to remember their names I don't suggest you change them, because it could cause a wedge in your relationship in the future. For some, it might be a fresh start, but for others, it might feel like you are taking away their culture.

My kids were 12, 7 for the older2 and 8 and 6 for the younger 2. The oldest one’s name is iffy but it got him at 13 and his birth mother convinced him to keep it. The next one has a name most can live with. The 2 little ones had questionable names and both chose to change their names. Third son changed first and middle while youngest changed his first. Try talking to the kids.