We are 24 and trying to foster to adopt a 16 year old girl.

Hi. I sympathize with you. I am 33 but when I was about 29 I was working with youth at our church, and I saw many my age wanting to mentor these kids and getting flack from people about their intentions. I can see where people might have issues if you just took the classes, became licensed to foster and then said, "we want ONLY teenaged girls" (especially if you specified good looking or something!) But it seems clear to me that you and your wife have formed a bond with this girl and she trusts and feels close with you. How did you come to know her and get close to her? Is she a friend of the family or a youth in your church or something? I know what you mean about being closer in age and remembering those pressures and issues of your own teenage years. My stepmom is only 15 yrs older than my brother and I, and she was able to help my dad understand some things that he was a little too strict on just because she had been there more recently (if that makes sense). There is so much bad in this world, often people want to think the worst right from the start. A lot of it stems from situations they have witnessed first hand so they have become cynical. Some of it is simple concern for the child, and that is a good thing. Good luck and God Bless.

My husband is going to be 40, and I am 24. His daughter, my stepdaughter is going to be 18 in a couple months. Our families viewed this in a similar manner that I was way too young to try to be parenting a teenager. However, being younger and having just went through the same things only a few years ago I was able to actually be a good source of insight. I knew the pressures of school and the pressures of boys and the pressures of parents. I was able to look beyond her slamming doors and screaming and figure out the underlying reason it was happening. Even though I am young, does not mean that I am not an adult and capable of acting as a parent. Certain family members were concerned I was trying to be close in order to get in with boys her age and relive my teen years. To me they were children just as she was and I was not the least bit concerned with her friends. We are in the process of becoming foster parents, more than likely 0-5. Due to my age, I would be uneligible to foster teenagers, even though I have a stepdaugher that age. Go figure. Good Luck and God Bless.

So far just hearing two post on our side is a blessing. My stomach has been in knots for weeks because my wife and I don't want to be the ones to let this girl down again. The girl we are trying to foster knows exactly what we are going through and she asked a question to us with a lot of fear in her voice, "Am I worth it?" All I could say was that I have never been so stressed out about in my life. I get scared about our futures, worry about people's opinions, I've even gotten a little paranoid about people talking behind our backs and I am not like that at all. There are days I dont know how I can go on. ғBut not once have I questioned whether or not if you are worth it œOf course you are! We came to know her because one day about six months ago my wife went to a baby shower for a friend at church. She came home and said, ԓI want to adopt this girl I met a the baby shower. We talked about adoption before so I asked, OK? WhatӒs her name? She said, ԓI dont know.Ҕ I asked, How old is she?Ӕ She said, I think she is 15 or 16. At that point I was thinking she was insane. Well I am nice enough to be a complete jerk and egg her on, letting her research the internet about adoption. We found out you have to 25. So I felt like I just dodged a bullet. Well every so often sheԒd bring it up again. Well weӒve got to be 25. IԒd say. So months went by and my wife is a stay at home mom. She wanted to bring in some dough. I searched the internet for local jobs and found that a local Christian youth home, where this girl lived, was hiring. So I was think I could kill two birds with one stone here. Make some money, get her over wanting to adopt this girl. OK, we got hired on. We worked there part times on one weekend per month. The first night we were there we were being talked to by all the girls. You know small talk and fun stuff. Well the girl my wife wanted to adopt started talking to me and then my wife joined in the conversation. It wasnt a deep involved conversation, but all the sudden she said, ғI dont҅ I mean I donŒt know why I am asking this, but you guys should adopt me. I mean its like I donҒt trust anyone but its weird I feel like I can trust you.Ҕ So then I am thinking maybe my wife knew something I didnt. I looked over and she had this grin like, See!!! I told you! Well we told her we both had to be 25 and that would be a big stopper. She didnҒt look devastated by that answer because we told her that wasnt a horrible idea at all. My wife and I talked about it and it made me think a lot! We called a couple adoption agencies and the told us you only have to 21 to foster. So we found out who her case worker was and called him and he seemed pleased about our interest! He told her about us and put her on a list allowing us to take her off grounds before we were licensed. Well our first vist we talked and got to know a little about each other. The next she came over to our house for a couple hours. Then we scheduled to have her spend the night. Before she got to spend the night, we got this letter from her. The letter was long but one key sentence really hit me҅ (Shes not religious) It said, ғ about 5 or six months ago I prayed to God for a miracle. Does that number sound familiar???? About 6 months ago is when my wife got that desire put on her heart to adopt this girl!!! Ummmm, is it just me or does that seem like someone is in charge here. When I feel stressed out I must remember God is in control! Thanks you guys! Ill talk more tomorrow but I have to go.

I think what you're doing is wonderful. I'm 24, and have a cousin that's about 16. He doesn't have any kind of good home life, and if I could take him in, I would have. I know it's a lot different situation, but same sentiment. As for those with nasty minds....they're out there, and there's not much you can do about that. But if you know you're doing the right thing, your wife knows you're doing the right thing, and you both have the best intentions (which it seems like you do) then all I can say is keep at it, and I'll say a prayer for ya. Take care, and good luck!!!:)

Ill have to say that at first when people started the campaign of negative attitudes toward our situation, I was pissed! These are ғChristian people! But I realized I am just as bad as they are, we all are hypocrites no matter who you are or if you know Jesus or not. I donԒt look to people to find perfection. I look to God and hes been there this whole time! Nevertheless, we are starting to realize that God doesnҒt put us all on earth to make us happy. Sometimes we have to face trials to build strength and character. I am glad in a way its happening now. This problem is not going away. We actually got to talk to her about how some people are feeling now. ItҒs unfortunate to only be 16 and have to understand so much adult crap. But you know I asked her what if someone you dont like see you at the store with me and you give me a hug. You know the type, they come to talk to you just to get under your skin, and they ask, ғWhos that dude?Ҕ And you say, My dad.Ӕ Now what if they start saying, Your dad!!?? What! Yah right! You mean your Daddy!!! I bet heӒs your daddy, like your BADђ daddy. Does he teach you lessons?!! I told her, youԒre going to want to beat the crap out of them! But we cant. We have to be the bigger people! So I guess what I am saying is IҒd rather get thick skin now than wait until it we boil over. Apatterson79, You can be a good mom at 24. Youve probably got a whole set of problems, IҒll never see. I would pray that your new familys hearts soften and they realize that no amount of wisdom, brains, or time spent on this earth will ever prepare anyone to be the perfect parent. I know with this girl and my son, I am going to have some major failures that will put me in my place. But, as long as I put God first, My wife second, my children third, everything else last, and stay consistent in my action and belief in God, my family will continue to Grow. Not only grow closer together but growing in faith. My priority list has to be like that. First off, if the all died or left me, IҒd still have God. Second my children wont be in my life as long as my wife so I have to put her higher up on the priority list. Third if I put anything else before my children they will instantly see it for what it is and despise me. I go to college and work full time. I have to be real careful not to put work or school before God or my family and itҒs happened. Those werent the best days of my life. LOL! Thank you all! I appreciate all the prayer weҒve gotten and can get! I will pray for each one of you and your situations! God does Listen if you have the right intentions! :)

I'll be praying for the whole situation- I can only image how hard it would be-- when I was looking into international adoptions etc..- I kept coming up across the- you must be 20 years older than any child you take in. I too wanted to take in my 16-17 year old cousin- She had tried to commit suicide at about 15- as some problems between her mother and her step-dad- (who is in jail permanently)- they moved back to our state- and she still had some problems with her mother- (her mother had found yet another boyfriend- etc- and was talking about moving in with him etc..and because of this my cousin was getting depressed again) just alot of other probs with the mother as well- like drugs- and telling my cousin that to get a guy to like her she needs to sleep with him etc.. well we started getting involved with her again- and she started going to all church/youth functions etc..- (tho we could tell it was very much on the "surface" interest- tho she would talk about wanting- a cross necklace- or a cover for her new Bible etc..-- unfortunatly it turned out that she was jsut showing interest in those things- so that she could be with us and not in the home with her mother- and boyfriend etc.- she has recently turned 18- (oh btw- I was 24 and hubby 27 when we wanted to take her in)- and she moved in with a boyfriend- and find out that she had been doing all sorts of drugs etc..- when we were trying to help her- etc. really heartbreaking for me- as I used to feel like she was a sister- when we were younger- when she was 6-10 she lived in same city with us and we saw her often- she LOVED Jesus and church etc.. back then- and she came with us all the time to worship- and we prayed together for her mother- and grandfather etc..- but then her mother moved across the country- to marry this guy who was already in prison- and I guess up there- she just turned away-- she once told me- " I believe God exists- but that He has His chosen few who He blesses and everyone else can just go to ..." sort of a pre-destination thing- ack anyway I'm rambling LOL- its true tho Christians are not perfect- tho we may try to be we never will be- and especially with the media all over Youth pastors etc.. right now- who have been getting in trouble with their youth- people are much more judgmental now- I pray that the case-worker won't be dissuaded jsut because of some comments etc..- tho- there might be problems with getting approved from the state- simply because of that "20 years older than the child" thing. anyway- after all that- lol-- jsut wanted to let you know I'm praying God will provide a way!

I think what you are doing is great. It sickens me that it's more the norm to believe people are up to perverted things than to believe that someone is trying to do something actually good for someone. Having said that, I also want to say be VERY CAREFUL!! I know from experience that if this teen has been in the system for any length of time that she knows how to manipulate , what to say to get what she wants and is looking out for her best interest. I am not saying this to be mean. This is how these children who have been in the system have to be in order to survive. I just want you and your wife to make sure and really get to know this girl before you do the fianl adoption. Even the very sweetest teens can be manipulative. I think the system teaches them to be like that, even more so than most teens are . I will pray for you. God will help you make the right decision. Also, i don't know how your state is (I live in TN) but after teens get in high school the DCS dept all but deters foster parents from adopting the older children. They are told they can get guardianship, but it would be in the child's best interest not to be adopted. Let me explain why: IN the state of TN, if these teens are still in custody when they graduate high school, the state will pay for them to go to college. If they are adopted then their college is their responsibilities. Also, if you are awarded guardianship or just a foster parent , the state will still pay you and the state will continue to cover her under insurance. Also they will help this teen get a car, an apartment and a job after she graduates. It is just much more beneficial to her to remain in custody. She can still be "your daughter" and you can still be her family. No, money is NOT the incentive here. The health insurance, college, a car, a job placement and an apartment are very good incentives. Be her parent, teach her right from wrong, always be there for her. Include her as your family . She'll have the best of both worlds. She can still have a feeling of belonging. You can even have her last name changed to yours, without actually adopting her. Our caseworker did it with her 16 year old foster daughter. Good luck in what ever decision you make. Don't let those people's "wagging tongues" bother you. Small talk is just that. It keeps people with problems and secrets from dealing with their own issues. Also, I guess achoo moo moo, MUST BE a veggie tales fan. HAHAHA With a two year old who loves "Bob and Yarry" I know all their songs. smile

I can totally relate. Im 25 and my fiance is 27 and we adopted our son last year. Hes now 16. Theres gonna be people who will tell you that your to young and your still a baby yourself. Dont listen to them. Your doing an amazing thing. I hope everything works out for you guys. Wishing you all the best.