When to say when

I know how you feel. I would love to hear from both of my kids birthmom's. But we don't know what they are going through. I would NEVER stop sending pictures or letters to them. It's not our place to stop it.. If that is what you said you would send, then you need to continue to do so. You still need to honor and respect her. I can see where you are upset because you don't get the things you are asking for. All you can do is when you child is older is tell them that you have requested updated picture. We can't pressure these girls. They are just not ready right now. You must give them time to heal and deal with them placing the child in your care... Please don't stop the pictures and letters.. I think you would regret that decision... Cathy

Thanks for the reply... I agree with you, very much so. It's not so much that I'm not getting what I want.... it's something for the child we share. I understand, more than I can say online, what she is going through... which is why I ponder whether or not she wants the letters to stop. We come to points in our lives when we need to move on... I can respect her for that. I also will forever be gratful to her for saving my life... which is what she did by blessing me with the responsibility of providing her child the opportunities that she knew she could not. The more I ponder this, the more I think I have to ask if she wants the letters to continue. At least for now. When my daughter is older, the choice will no longer be mine or her birthmother's... it will be up to my daughter if she wants to communicate and learn more about her life. Please know that I don't intend to be argumentative... I appreciate your comments and just really need to think about this some more.

Good Morning, I agree with Cathy, please don't stop writing or sending pictures to your child's birth family. There are so many complexities involved and so many reasons they may not be writing, ones we may never understand or have the answers to. However, the biggest issue/concern I have heard time and time again from birth families is that they don't hear from adoptive families. Although you may NEVER get a letter back or receive the pictures you want, that does not mean that what you are sending them does not mean the world to them or that they are not looking forward to each letter and picture. For us, we sent letters and pictures for two years without hearing ANYTHING back directly from our birth family. Then, a friend went to visit them and deliver some items we had sent. They were so excited! Everything we had been doing, the letters, the pictures, the thought of contact from us meant the world to them. They weren't answering the letters because they "wanted to put it behind them" or "didn't want to hear from us". I don't know why they weren't answering. Maybe the language barrier, maybe the cultural barrier. I don't know. We have now been sending letters, pictures, and aid for over six years. I think we have gotten two letters. We have sent over about 20 disposable camera's. I think we have gotten back four. We have received one video a friend made for us. However, every time anyone has made contact with our daughters birth family, they have said how much the letters and pictures mean to them. They have them all and proudly show them off. They still don't write. We seldom get a camera back. Often times the news we get is from extended friends and family. But, we know it means EVERYTHING to them to hear from us and that they share those feelings with everyone. Please don't stop writing. Within their culture, your families are now joined. I don't think I have heard of an RMI birth mom who simply wanted to put it all behind her and move on. It is a different culture with different expectations, open adoption being one of them. Again, I can't stress enough that even if you are NOT hearing back anything that does not mean that what you are sending doesn't mean the world to them. Although it can be discouraging, I encourage you not to give up. Maryann

Please don't stop sending letters. I can honestly say we have received one letter from our bmom in the 2 1/2 years our son has been with us. We are very fortunate that we can call her. The language barrier is huge!! She laughs on one end while I try to decipher what she is saying. The bottom line even though we don't understand her I can hear the joy in her voice that her little boy is doing great. We are able to talk to his bsister and she tells us how much she loves the videos and pictures. She loves seeing her brother laugh and being silly. I have asked our bmom's sister to have our bmom write us a letter. She said it's very difficult for her since she can't read or write. I did tell her to write in Marshallese and I would get it translated- once again she cannot write in Marshallese. I know it's hard but I really think it's important that we follow through with this even if the letters are one sided. I would never want to hurt our bmom or our son by stopping the letters. Best of luck! Tracy