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Hi everybody,
I am so glad this topic came up today. I have a son who is 13, in 7th grade, and a daughter who is 9, in 3rd grade.
I am a 38 year old birthmother to my 19 year old son, and we are not yet reunited.
I made my younger children aware that I have an older child that I relinquished. My husband and I shared this with them 2 years ago, fearful that they would hear it from a relative.
I only use my personal example with my own children, because I don't want them to endure the heartache that I've gone through. I am more explicit in conversations with my son than my daughter, as he is that much older. It hurts me a bit to use myself as a bad example as far as irresponsible sex is concerned, but, I think they see the light.
Also, tonight, there is a 15 year old girl posting on one of these forums that she wants a baby, and she has decided to get pregnant. Well, I didn't really hear the boyfriends intentions / opinions, and how scary is that.
I sat my son down at the computer and we read her messages together. I explained that even though a girl may say she is covered by birth control, she may not, or the method could fail, so he needs to take responsibility for himself. This girl's decision is going to decide the fate of her boyfriend. I also again went over STD's, and why a condom, purchased by the guy himself, is so crucial. (These postings made me very suspicious of what someone can be capable of to get what he/she wants.)
Above all, I pushed abstinence as the best way to go, but I felt that I had to cover all my bases.
I was really blunt. I got numerous eyerolls, and a couple times he thought we were done talking and he tried to leave the room. My hope is that he will think about what we discussed.
You know, once I started talking, it wasn't that difficult for me. He was really embarrassed though.
I will take comfort in knowing that neither my husband nor I had this kind of openness, education and concern from our parents regarding the dangers of sexual relations, and that is why we take this approach.
Hope I didn't go on and on too much. It was just so strange to see this post and the post from the 15 year old girl labeled "I want a baby".
Peace,
LeeAnn
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Thank you so very much for your honesty. We all want the best for our children. Decisions we make when we are young have an effect on us for our entire lives and can also affect other people. It's difficult sometimes to know how much to tell our children and when to tell them, but honesty is very important in all situations.
thank you ~
Nancy
LeeAnn,
Yes, I'm more blunt and honest than I'd have thought possible, but I think it's so much more important than my passing embarrassment (or even his!) Last night I asked him again about what they'd learned that day, and he said that a pregnant teacher had answered all their questions, which I couldn't possibly know about, having never been pregnant. I assured him that despite never having had that experience, I do know the "stuff", and I'm willing to talk about it. He's too embarrassed to talk with me about his stuff, but we did have a serious conversation about periods and cramps - something I'd never have pictured discussing with a 13 year old son! (And I got his assurance that if he does have questions, he's very comfortable asking his male science teacher.) The school, thank goodness, is preaching abstinence (from the disease perspective) and I'm preaching abstinence from the moral/emotional perspective. So far, though he's growing physically, he's not really interested in sex. I worry, too, about the girls like the 15 year old that you saw on the internet - they're so much more advanced than many boys, and some of them have a real clear agenda! Good luck to all of us!
Speaking from personal experience, both. I have a 9 year old daughter, and a 13 year old son.
When I was first sexually active, my parents caught on. My mother preached abstinence and went so far as to forbid any form of birth control in the house. They were very strict. This was 1983 / 1984. (My parents were married in the 1950's.) Before I knew it, I was pregnant, and scared out of my wits.
Maybe someone in a different situation would be reacting differently than I am choosing, but for me, given my past, I will try and "scare" them into abstinence, but also teach / supply birth control to hopefully prevent STD's and / or unwanted pregnancies. Never mind the heartache that I am going through as a birthmother.
Peace,
LeeAnn
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Hi LeeAnn,
Thank you for your honest response.
From what I hear, scare tactics and forbidding teens to do something may not be the best approach. Talking honestly with kids of any age is often the best policy - answering questions and helping kids make healthy decisions may be the best way to help our children make good decisions.
Hoping to hear from other parents too!
Nancy
Definitely both from me, too. "I hope you don't and this is why - but if you do, *please* protect yourself." I'm a pretty strict parent, so there won't be a lot of opportunity, but realistically speaking, unless I choose to chain him to my wrist for the next 10 years, there will be opportunities - and, as soon as his hormones wake up (which I imagine will be any minute!) there will be desire, too. I just hope he'll be able to retain some common sense when desire and opportunity are both there at the same time! Frankly, there'll be a lot of praying going on, too! I'm really looking forward to being a grandmother, but I sure don't want that before my son is out of high school.
I have a problem with how public schools deal with drugs, sex, and alcohol. A lot of times public forums put out misinformation, especially when it comes to making crystal meth. Rather than just saying, "Don't do it," they tend to circulate misinformation. I read a newspaper article that said matchheads are used in making meth; this is not so. IF a child was stupid enough to try to make meth, they could be seriously hurt by this.
I also think a degree of honesty and detail is required. When someone says, "Well, drugs and sex out of wedlock and alcohol is BAD and if you'll do it, you'll end up a loser," leaves a lot to be clarified. There's a huge difference between trying meth or crack and smoking a joint. Although no drug automatically addicts you the first time you take it (another lie created from the government), there's a very good risk harder drugs will seriously damage you or kill you the first time you take them. I don't believe marijuana is the worst thing on earth; I would prefer the kids do that rather than drink underaged. Alcohol is a depressant; it slows your body's reactions and impairs your judgement. You need to be an adult before you can handle something so potent.
I am not here to defend marijuana. ANY drug can suspend judgement or give kids an excuse to. Also, teens should realize if they smoke, there's a risk when they get that summer job they'll be tested and rejected.
As far as sex goes, I would prefer my kids wait until adulthood. A teen can be candidly told that if they don't use protection, they will wind up pregnant and with plenty of STD's to spare. HIV is on the rise among young women.
Having said all that, I have a pretty realistic outlook. My kids know what I expect and if they do something (as they probably will since they're human) like get horribly drunk, they know to call. It's a lot harder for me to harshly discipline an honest person.
Our daughter is only 8, but we have already started talking openly and preparing ourselves for when she is a teen. The moment she brought up that one of her friends was talking about sex (with Barbie dolls) we were all over it with books and discussion to make sure that she is informed and isn't getting information from someone else.
When she is older we will ask her to wait as long as she can and make sure she only shares this with someone who deserves it and that she really cares about. We will preach abstinance as much as possible, but are also realistic and will absolutely make sure that she is provided with birth control when she does become sexually active and hope that she will be able to tell us if there is anything she needs. We will advocate for condom use and as someone who lost a close friend to AIDS, I have an extra real and serious perspective on this. Birth control is not just about pregnancy and AIDS really can happen to anyone who isn't careful even once.
As for drugs and booze, we have already started talking about saying no to smoking cigarettes and will move on to harder topics as appropriate. We drink very little and rarely, but do drink in front of her so she can learn about responsible drinking by our own modeling. We have told her drinking is only for grownups and one should only have a little with a meal. We told her that it is meant to compliment food, not to make you feel funny or lose control of yourself. At first we thought that we would never drink anything ever in her presence, but then we decided it was better to model appropriate behavior and say to each other while out for dinner, things like, "If you are having wine, I won't. I will drive tonight." Our ultimate hope is that she will be comfortable to talk to us when these things become an issue. We would prefer that when she is 16, if she experiments with alcohol, she will call us in the middle of the night to come get her rather than drive or let some other drunk kid drive her home. It would be great if she made it to adulthood without drinking, but if she doesn't we won't punish for asking for help. We will punish her if she does not ask for help and gets sneaky about it. We will send her to rehab immediately if she has a problem greater than getting carried away and experimenting with alcohol or marijuana once or twice in high school. Although we want to be parents she can talk to and feel safe calling should she get herself into an unsafe situation, we don't want to be so cool that she feels it is okay to develop an addiction and drink regularly or we just don't care.
Sex, drugs and drinking are difficult subjects. We have to try to keep our kids away, but not so much that they see us as black and white and are afriad to talk to us. Reality is that most kids try stuff. Our job is to help them through it, not deny reality.
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All these issues have come up for my child, and the adoption isn't yet final because she's in a therapeutic residence because of behavior issues.
Re: drugs, alcohol. The family history is horrendous. Since I'm in a recovery program, I've taken her with me to open 12-step meetings (which she likes and looks forward to!). I've tried to educate her about genetic predisposition, etc. She knows her bmom can't stay clean. She sees that I can, but she also sees what I do to maintain that. Up until now, she's experimented some prior to going to this residence - but her opportunities were rare and mostly came after she would run away.
Re: sex. We've already had one instance of consensual sex with a boy she didn't even like particularly. She seemed not to really know how to say no. This child has no documented history of sexual abuse, but it's suspected. She is now on birth control and asked to be put on it. She knows that during the holidays I plan to get her tested for HIV. She knows I'm not happy about her behavior but I'm extremely upset that she would put her life at risk. There have been "consequences" of this "bad choice" and she's accepted them without much fight. I've told her no more "too sexy," "too tight," etc., and if she argues with me we'll leave the store and I'll pick out her clothes without her input! (She's struggled a couple of times, but she's maintained her cool and we've been able to successfully continue shopping).
In the last year, Kasey discovered she has twin half brothers, who will be 2 on New Year's Eve. I've reminded her that she is now a "big sister" and that changes everything. I've pointed out that she needs to set a good example for the boys. It will be a little harder for them, because they're biracial. She adores the twins and visits with them seem to calm her down. (The hearing to TPR on bmom w/twins has been rescheduled to Nov. 4, 2004; the fparents hope to adopt and we're all in agreement about visits and contact.)
A side related issue is surfacing and I'm not seeing anything about it in this forum and the "teen" threads seem to be not really current or frequently posted. My issue is that Kasey is attracted to the problem kids wherever she is, which is why I don't consider public school an option. Her self-esteem is very low and we need to build that up so she can hopefully make better choices. She's a very smart child academically, but she's very needy emotionally. Her behavior issues are surfacing at school, because she wants to talk to the other kids all the time.
The truth is, she's never had a "best" friend - she's moved too often. She's lived like a gypsy and had no continuous support from an adult, either. We don't know if she's RAD or not, but I'm prepared for that possibility.
I do try to give her a lot of affection and we have lots of fun together. We enjoy doing the same things. We don't argue very often (but of course I only have her weekends and we aren't dealing with school - get ready, do this, did you do that? - so our time is somewhat "artificial." We're trying to do serious work in family therapy 2x a month, but she sometimes shuts down and threatens to walk out.
It'll take a long time before she feels secure with me. I am hoping to create a low key and secure environment that limits her access to the problem kids while we work on becoming a solid family and she starts to feel better about herself. I feel like I only have a 2 year window, because at 16 she'll most likely be driving and harder to keep track of if she decides to be slippery (something she's quite capable of !).
I've read lots of good parenting books, but if anyone has suggestions to speed up "healthy self esteem" or otherwise promote/facilitate healthy friend selection, please pipe up! I need your suggestions!
my name is catie,
i am 15 yrs old and i have a baby.....
i think its great that all you parents talk to your kids about sex and whatnot, my parents never did.
i live in a very nice town, in a nice house, big back yard and a pool...... i wanted to tell you that because most people sterotype teen parents as living in the city with no parental guidance..
anyways, my parents knew i had been having sex since the age of 12....they never talked to me about it or tried putting me on bc.
at the age of 14 i got pregnant, and i had the baby in october of 04'
my parents still have not talked to me about sex yet, birth control or anything..
i put myself on bc, and i take care of my baby as well as i can.
but i think it makes a huge difference if you tell your kids you love them and talk to them about sex, drugs, alcohol, sex ect.
i never got 'the talk' so i ventured out on my own and learned just about everything the hard way,
my advice to you is, always let your kids no you are there for them...
and be as open as possible.
also being too strict at times is asking your child to rebel.
im not trying to tell you that you should let your kids go wild, but let them experince some things on their own, and be there for them when the need it most...
you can read all the books you want, and lecture your kids to death, but that does not prepare you for what might come.
im just saying this because sometimes the parents can be so naive to what their kids are doing.....
catie~ :)
I don't know if this will help, but I have two teenage daughters, one is my fd. I have stayed involved with the kids as a girl scout leader since they were in first grade. I expected them to lose interest, and it was often tough for me to stick it out when they seemed disinterested and rude during meetings when we'd organized some activity. All they wanted to do was be together and chat. That wasn't such a bad thing, and now they are in 10th grade and my daughter begs me not to quit! This has given me a chance to get to know my daughter's friends very well, and now our fd (who moved in a year ago) is in the troop. Our fd loves music so I go to a lot of concerts with them. I feel sort of strange in a room full of teens, but its pretty cool to witness teen culture from the inside. I have to stand back from the stage to preserve my hearing but at least I'm supporting them. Fd thinks its cool that I buy cds of the bands I like at these concerts. (They are inexpensive for these lesser known bands, and I play them in the car when the kid are with me.) I initiated a system when we are in the car that we go clockwise and each person chooses the music they want to play on the drive or trip. We laugh about it and it ranges from rap to show tunes that they belt out together. I guess what it has boiled down to is to find SOME thing the kids like, that you can like to tolerate and get into it together. We recently had my daughter's boyfriend and his pal cook our dinner, I paid for the groceries and we were an appreciative audience for the "chefs". I enjoy the company of our teens more than most adults. They are funny, fun and very open. Our girls are pushing the limits with experimenting with drinking too. Tonight I am meeting with their friends Moms ath the coffee shop to brainstorm and share info. This has worked when my son was starting the same thing. We parents decided to create a united front. So if there is anyway to tap into some kids AND parents it goes a long way to knowing what's up and having some fun along the way. I wish you the best of luck, every day is a challenge for me!!!
I do not yet have teenage children. However, I was a teen not very long ago. I think it is wonderful to see parents that are concentrating on honesty and delaying sexual involvement. My parents preached (not taught) abstinence...but felt it was unrealistic to actually think that teens could abstain. That attitude definitely manifested itself into my behavior. If they didn't feel that we were capable of controlling our own bodies and urges...why should we feel the need to? At the age of 14 I became sexually active. My parents found out and promptly placed me on birth control pills. Apparently they thought that a baby would ruin my life...never mind the fact that bc makes a girl 10 times more likely to contract a deadly STD (thanks a lot mom & dad). In any event...I became pregnant at the age of 15...because I believed that the bc worked. Long story short, my child died pre-birth. This event changed my life and made me more carefully evaluate my sexual relationships. However, it didn't make me understand all the things that I know now. I just want to acknowledge those that are on the path of having an honest relationship with their teens...and remind others about the importance of this. Teens are capable of abstaining, and they need to understand the importance of it. This can only happen if they have an open honest relationship with their parents. If the parents feel that "they're gonna do it anyway"-they will. They will also have to live with those decisions for the rest of their lives (which could be considerably shortened because of those decisions). As for what I will tell my sons...I do not lie to my children. They, as preschoolers, know how a baby is born...and I'm sure it won't be long until they ask how they get in there. I answer all their questions with an honest age-appropriate answer. Someday I will have to look into the face of my boys and tell them that they have a sibling that they will never see on this earth because of unwise choices that I made. The thought is humbling...but they deserve to know the truth about what can happen. Another note: a post mentioned misinformation that is put out there in schools. I don't know what everyone's school system teaches...but in my area, they fail to teach the fact that certain STDs (like HPV--which causes sterility and cancer) are spread with simple genital contact...no condom will protect you from that.
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Thought it might not hurt to bring this one to the current date. I don't have children, so I'm the other side of the equation - an adoptee who desperately needed someone to talk to them about drugs, sex & alcohol. I began them in that order at age 15. Due to some circumstances, my a-family was SO alienated from one another at that time, except for mom and dad, they always stuck together. But younger sister and I weren't talking to each other or parents, and older brother had joined the army so he'd have a home when we moved to another state. I was looking to get rid of feelings, which the chemicals did, and to feel love, acceptance, okay-ness, which the sex didn't. I wouldn't wish my loss-of-virginity-day on anyone. Emotionally immature, skipping school and hanging out in a huge park in downtown Dallas. Some guy in his 20's approaches me, I don't remember how it was agreed upon, but next thing I know I'm on a mattress on the floor of some house. He did his thing and off we go back to the park. Within an hour, similar events, but I remember less. I didn't care at the time, or if I did I blocked it. The only way I can get in touch with any feelings are by imagining I'm the mother of that 15 year old - I think I'd want to castrate, kill, or both a couple of men. My folks knew what was going on, not that day, but in general. I know they did - they were told about the drugs by the police and they must have known when I went to juvenile hall a couple of times, and I vaguely remember dad taking me to the ER once for a pregnancy test. I was so humiliated I could have killed him; and mad enough to choose riding in the police car to get there over riding with him. I don't remember them talking to me. Possibly a token 'you shouldn't be doing that', but more likely a 'what on earth are we going to do with you?' heartbeat
I think avoiding discussion on taboo topics won't be the best ways. When children grown up, curiosity on these issues will be high. If parents don't do their parts to communicate to them regarding all these issues, chances they will seek other alternative ways to find out.
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