Foster mom asked to agree to an Open adoption-Do I or don't I???

we are in a similar situation as yours. we are decididng not to consent to an open adoption because we know that the birthfather has a history of violent crimes. We havfe no interest in having him know where we live or what our child looks like as she grows. So I think you have to consider if the birth parents are safe for your daughter and you or not.

We adopted two children from foster care ... and I know its hard to imagine your baby NOW needing this contact or even wanting it. However, our boys are now 10 and 9 and this contact with their birth family has been CRUCIAL to their emotional well being. How about a contact agreement that has a clause that if the birth parents disrespect the boundaries you have set up, then the deal is off. For example, our boys LOVE getting pictures of their birthmom and their sisters she is parenting now. They ARE my kids "sisters" and this contact has been wonderful for them. They love receiving letters and knowing that their birthfamily loves them, thinks of them and is safe. I love knowing where my son gets that big smile, or why he is so good at hockey or where he gets his ability to dance from. I love knowing that I can pick up the phone and ask if learning disabilities run in the family or if that wheezy cough might be asthma. Contact with our boys first family has been a valuable parenting tool for me. Also, our boys birthdad has a violent criminal history. He is currently incarcerated for many, many years. HOWEVER, he recently began writing to us (at our request). His letters have been respectful, loving, honoring and have brought immeasurable joy to our boys. He is so grateful for the opportunity to say to the boys (beg them really) to make different life choices than him. This has removed the "fantasy" of their birthparents ... its allowed our boys to get to know them at a time in their lives where it doesnt conflict with their developing sense of self. The grief and loss they feel because they were adopted (which is normal) is processed while they are young enough to allow us, as their parents, to support them through it. It hasnt been easy. The boys birthmom and I made lots of mistakes in the beginning ... but now, I wouldnt trade it for the world. (of note, despite our comfort with "visits" our boys do not wish to have direct contact yet. all contact is between the adults at this time until the kids are comfortable with direct contact. The boys LOVE getting the letters, but due to remembered abuse, have concerns about actually SEEING their birth family again - we assume they will process this soon) Remember there are a variety of contact options -- you can use a post office box or an intermediary to exchange information. You can agree to pictures and letters exchanged, with phone contact after so long ... or you can agree to exclusively email contact etc. But I would encourage you to at least consider this as a beneficial option for your child. Jen

We brought our dd home from the hospital when she was just 10 days old. For the first well, year probably, the birthfamily was "the enemy" in my mind. They were the ones who messed up and caused her to come into foster care. They were the ones who kept trying to get custody when there was no way they could possibly take care of her. I tried to be polite, but I had a lot of negative feelings toward them. When dd was almost a year old her bfather (who also has a criminal history) started asking about open adoption. We agreed originally only in hopes that he would relinquish and the h*ll we had been living through would end. When he learned that neither his state or ours would legally recognize open adoption, he refused to relinquish. More negative feelings... but I started researching open adoption (and eventually found this forum). I am now fully convinced that it IS in the child's best interest to maintain biological ties if at all possible. Her bfather did end up relinquishing -- the day he was set to stand trial for termination. I've had to let go of a LOT of anger toward him to make it work, but it is working. I believe that dd will benefit from knowing that her bfamily loves her, but was unable to care for her. I just got off the phone with her bfather's mother, and I can honestly say that it was good to talk to her. I'm actually trying to locate dd's bmother now in hopes of maintaining a semi-open adoption with her. I think that agreeing to an open adoption probably is in your daughter's best interest -- as long as there are no safety issues. If there are safety issues, you can still agree to maintain contact like Jen was saying, through a third party or something. You may want to consider a written agreement (I have a copy of a friend's I could e-mail you if you're interested). We don't have a written agreement, and at times I felt that it would have been really helpful to KNOW what each of us expected. Also, if you do agree to an open adoption, do it for your daughter, not her bmother. When you understand the benefits to your daughter, it removes the feeling that you are doing her bfamily a favor, or that you "owe" it to them. You "owe" it to your daughter to do what is best for her. If you do it for your daughter, it is also easier to see what kind of contact is in her best interest vs. her bparent's best interest. Do some research on the benefits of open adoption before you make a decision. I believe that children who come from foster care can often benefit from biological ties just as a child who was willingly placed at birth -- you just might have to be more careful and set more strict boundaries. Good luck, and keep us posted.

It Has Helped So Many Of Our Children Heal Their Wounds> I Know It Can Be Scary< But It Was Worth It

I live in Allegheny county and I am currently fostering through the county CYF office and my caseworker and my foster daughter's caseworker told me that "open adoption" is not recognizable legally in PA or maybe it's just our county. I may need to do some further probing on this matter.

We have an open adoption for all of our children. The open adoption means differtly for each of our kids. When they were younger contacted depended on how the birth mom was doing and was she in jail, using, ect. As they have gotten older 12 & 15 we have left it up to them, of course with supervision. They really have chosen to not at this time. Unfortunalty there is no "laws" on this, but what is in the best interest of the kids. Even though ours was open they never knew where we lived, phone numbers, or have contacted us. At one point after birth mom had went to jail for the third time, we called the agency and had them notify her that we would close the adoption until she was more stable.