Not sure what to do?

hi chrissy, im suprised to hear that! did you have to put your pastor down as a reference? maybe you could just let the agency know that you dont know him well?? i am just starting this process too, so this is kind of intimidating to me. i dont think i would put anyone down for a reference, unless they really know me and my dh. i hope you can go to another agency and start over. keep us informed on how you are doing. good luck to you. lainey

You would need to ask your agency if they will allow a replacement reference--however sometimes what has been said in the responce can be enough that the agency will not go on representing you... Depends on what was said. The agency will not tell you what has been said...so you would need to talk with the Pastor. Which might not be a bad thing to do---and perhaps it is possible for the Pastor to amend his prior letter? Number one RULE: Only ask people YOU know well and WILL give you a positive reference. There is NOTHING WRONG with talking to the people you would like to have as references about the fact that you would like to have them be a reference.... In FACT it might be a great idea. The questions asked on a Reference Request are very Specific OPEN ended questions...someone who does NOT know you well would NEVER know how to answer these questions and if they were to say they don't know how to answer the questions it might actually make you look like you either have no friends or that the friends you do have are not the kind of people you would want to use as a reference.... Homestudy References are VERY important and a great deal of wieght is placed on them...Especially if you are working with the social services. We talked to all of our references and we spent time with them. We did not know what questions they would be asked but we made an extra effort to show and talk about our parenting attitudes with our friends... We invited our reference friends to our home for dinner and we talk at great leanghth about our desire to adopt--how we planned to adopt--why we planned to do it this way and what we needed them to do for us....We were open to communication with our friends and let them know that if they wanted to call and talk with us about anything we would be happy to talk to them.....