was it not meant to be?

I wonder if it was not meant to be. Me having the 3 children forever. I think maybe I lost them for a reason. This keeps me sane. I don't know what that would be, since I spend every waking moment kicking myself in the butt. I feel so sad all day and wonder what they are doing, if they are happy, (I heard not). I feel empty inside without them. I thought I was doing the best thing for them and now know in my heart I was not. Can anyone fight the legal system and win. Is there a lawyer out there willing to help and not cost thousands? Maybe this could be one of those Livetime movies. I need advise and direction. Could someone read my post and advise.