Back to School: Should We Tell the Teachers?

When children start to school, early elementary, I wouldn't think it would be necessary to alert a teacher of a child's adoption unless the adoption is not final or other circumstances surrounding the child, such as open adoption, abuse or separation anxieties, etc exist. For the most part, the first few years of a child's schooling is for the child to bond with teachers and their new surroundings and routines. When a child is older and things like family trees or genetics become an issue in the classroom then some education should not only come from the classroom but from the parents and the children of the adoption as well. I also believe that it's actually the child involved that should be the one to decide who should know and who shouldn't at school. It's their comfortability level in these cases that we should be most worried about. They themselves know their friends and teachers best and can decide on what they know, with parental support, and what they feel they want or can share.

As a teacher AND a "waiting" and hopefully soon-to-be aparent, I don't think parents should share how their children came into their families unless it is relevant (child wants to share, child is experiencing difficulties relevant to bparents, projects in which this would affect their performance or grade, etc.). In teaching kindergarten, usually the first theme was "All About Me" in which, as a class, we got to know each other as individuals. Some children shared details of their lives because these were the facts about who they were and they were not ashamed of that (until later when comparisons of each other may have made them feel inferior or simply different). Many students over the years would share that they had "a father in jail" or "grandma keeps me until my mommy is out of her half[way] house" or "my daddy died" or "I have 5 cats!". I would celebrate our differences during this theme and would often try to discuss all of the positives of their lives (that it was wonderful that grandma was in his life since another child may have never met their grandparents, or that having lots of siblings or pets was very interesting "and can you share with us what that is like?", etc. I have had children share that they were with a foster mother and usually we celebrate that they had a family. When I shared with my class that my family was in the process of adopting a baby girl, we celebrated so many things. Only then did other parents (in witnessing my openess) openly share that certain students of mine were adopted or were their foster children, etc. Sometimes the info only came up in meetings if it was relevant but for a few occassions where the child had a pattern of acting out and we had to come up with a plan to assist the child, rarely would the subject come up. I would be more understanding and ignore certain behaviors or hug them more or show them more attention or give positive reinforcement. But this would be after we figured out that the behavior stemmed from visits with bparents or social workers that some children didn't like. So if any parent is wondering what to do, as a teacher, I would say that there may be teachers out there who are judgmental and not accepting. But I don't think the subject really needs to come up at all. This is a wonderful journey that needs to be celebrated and I wish that more teachers were more embracing of ALL types of uniqueness in their students. After this school year, ALL of my kindergarten students now want to adopt when they are older!!!!! How cute was that!!!!!! kllee:D

Write an autobiography-7th grade assignment to child adopted at 9 after lots of abuse and multiple placements. Go home and ask your parents why they picked your name-7th grade assignment to child adopted at 7 who was named after bmom's boyfriend who abused him in hopes that they would bond Which parent did you get your eye color from-7th grade science assignement to a child adopted at 8 Bring baby pictures and pictures for each year-sorry, none exist before age 7 or 8 Family trees-just use your adopted family-what about sibs who were adopted elsewhere and more not adopted at all-just forget they exist? I also have a child who says things like "My mom tied me up" which happened, but I'm not the mom he's referring to. Highschool MAPP test essay question-how have your parents influenced your life to a child who was severly abused, spent 9 years in a guardianship placement that disrupted 6 months prior to this assignment. How can you not tell the teacher so she has the opportunity to plan accordingly?(some will, some won't) Some kids can handle these things better then others-my son made up a story about how he got his name-but he said the assignment made him angry. Another child just skipped the autobiography assignement and took and F. The highschooler used his test essay to explain his arguement about how unfair the question was-but also was hurt and angry. Of course, with the thousands of kids in US foster care, teachers should already be aware these situations exist and be sensitive to them. Can you imagine being a child removed only a week prior to being assigned any of those assignements? Adoption is not something to be ashamed of and does not need to be hidden. We celebrate the birth that brought a child into a family, why not express the adoption with the same joy?

I will definitely tell the teacher. Last year, in Kindergarten, for kindergarten graduation, the teachers make "scrapbook sheets" (for lack of a better term) for each child. It had a picture of the child as a baby and then at graduation. It also had milestones of the child listed. It was very cute except one thing - my daughter doesn't have a baby picture and we don't know any of her milestones. Would have made her sheet kind of short. This is tradition that the teachers have always done, but because her teacher knew she was adopted, she did it differently. She took pictures of all the students on the first day of kindergarten and used that instead of baby pictures. (and it was just as cute). My older son (who isn't adopted) had to do a biology report on genes in 9th grade. He had to trace back eye color and hair color and height, etc. a few generations. Well, that would be impossible for my daughter and I plan on her teacher knowing these things. You can't predict which year biological related assignments will arise, so I think teachers should be told from the start. Teachers need to be cognizant of adoption issues. I'm not embarrassed by it. I don't know why its something to hide. My daughter is proud that she is adopted and so am I.

After some thought, I also wanted to add that even with a degree in Early Childhood Education, we, as teachers were not "formerly trained" in all of the situations that may have occurred before our students come to us. I believe just as parents anxiously and excitedly show up the first day of school in support of their children, bparents are not going to introduce themselves and then add that there child is biologically their own, just as aparents would not make that the first things that are discussed. The majority of children that I teach or have taught are no different from the typical child entering school and the subject rarely comes up. It isn't only after a parent and I become close or that certain incidents arise in which I must go to the parent to map out a plan of action to ensure that this child is successful in school. Lucyjoy, I do agree that in your son's case, the subject matter beign taught in school would be extremely difficult and I also agree that most teachers are willing to share the upcoming assignments. In certain instances, parents would share their concerns for various assignments and the teachers can adjust the assignment or even grading for particular students. I guess for some students, it may not be relevant and for other's it might be. It certainly takes a village to raise our children and we all share in it. Anything that is going to make a child's life a success on their own terms is definitely worth it and I think that the majority of teachers would clearly be open to anything that would help their students. Just my 2 cents worth! kllee

I think it's definetly worth sharing!! Being adopted is something to celebrate, no matter how old the child may be. I have known that I was adopted since I can remember. I also remember sharing that with my friends - and just about everyone else, too! - when I was a young child. From kindergarten up until about 9th grade, I remember having to do some kind of "getting to know you" activity, whether it be writing an essay all about you & your life or creating a bulletin board with pictures and information about yourself. One of the questions you had to answer was "tell us something unique about yourself." I ALWAYS wrote about being an adoptee - I was proud of it, and it was definetly a unique characteristic. I didn't know many other adopted kids growing up. I enjoyed answering the questions that my peer's had about adoption, it felt good to be able to educate my friend's. I think that it's to your child's benefit to share their adoption with their teacher's. A lot of young children don't know ANYTHING about adoption...it's like being a bi-racial person, or being a person with a learning disability. All of those things make someone unique, special and different, and the sooner children learn that being different is not only okay, but wonderful, the sooner they will learn tolerance and acceptance. :) I have always planned on adopting at least one child, regardless of whether or not I have biological children or not. I want my adopted child(ren) to be proud of being adopted, and I think that it's important to share that with teachers & friend's.

I'm pretty used to clarifying my kids are adopted, being half Hispanic and not having one kid that looks like me, two very CC's and two very AA's! I agree it's something to be excited about, and if a teacher would treat my child differently (oldest two are homeschooled here) I'd switch classes ASAP.

Just to clarify, that would be sons as in 5 different ones. The autobiography and name assignments were given day one of seventh grade and the Mapp testing essay was a state thing. I also disagree that most kids don't have these issues. There are thousands of kids in foster care and I know many families with adopted kids. I have also met plenty of teachers with the attitude that all these kids should just adjust to what they see as normal. Many have been unwilling to adjust assignments. However, I do think many teachers just don't think about it and if parents opennly shared with them about their child's adoption, would be more then willing to watch out for things that may be a concern. When my 7 year olds teacher called and introduced herself, I told her S was adopted so if there were any projects needing baby pictures or such that he had none before age 5. They do a weekly thing where kids were going to bring baby pictures and such and with that knowledge, she simply tailored the assignment to any pictures the children want to share.

I think the book author who argues in favor of telling teachers has a good point when talking about family trees and genetic tracing assignments that usually start in grade school and continue through high school. I clearly remember doing a few family trees through the year and then the baby project when I was in freshman biology in high school where we were paired with another classmate to determine what genes would be dominant or recessive in a hypothetical child. It was always a bit disconcerting to think, and then tell the teacher, that I didn't know how well I could complete the assignment because I had no genetic information from my parents etc. to go off of. At the same time, I think I would have been horrified the older I got if my parents had told my teachers that I was adopted. The author said parents should inform teachers of a child's social history ... does that mean a teacher has the right or need to know that a child was abused, or lived abroad, or anything in between? Those are things that should come out as necessary, not released at the start of the relationship between student and teacher. I would have hated to feel like I was being treated differently or course plans were altered just because there was an adopted child (me) in the class. Interestingly enough, a few days ago was the first time the topic of adoption came up while I was in a car with my new roommates I'm starting law school with and I didn't say anything about my particular status. As I had discussed with my adoptive mother over this past summer, it's not information that should or needs to be just volunteered up. If it's necessary or I get closer to these girls, maybe I'll tell them and fill them in more on something that's a part of my life. Being adopted doesn't define who I am as a person, it's merely an element that has shaped parts of my personality. As such, I don't feel like parents, or even students, should feel obligated to offer that information up to anyone who they come in contact with.

emathews--interesting that you opted not to mention you were adopted to your roommates. I say that, because my roommate in college was adopted from Greece to Greek American parents. She told me that in her first letter to me. In my first letter to her, I told her I was Jewish. Both things were a big part of who we were and we felt it was important to relay it when describing ourselves.

I wouldn't think of not telling my son's teacher -and did so again last week for the fourth year in a row (he just entered third grade.) It has always been a positive decision. Something always comes up in class that makes it worthwhile for his teacher to be prepared -whether it's a specific project, or a book she's reading to the class. The last thing I want is for adoption to be raised - either by my son or someone else - and for the teacher to have a surprised look on her face when he announces he is adopted.....which he invariably does. Some teachers have had experience with adoption and others have not. I let them know that I'm am telling them because if it comes up in class, I want to know about it - how he acts, what he says, etc. He is beginning to ask a lot of questions and have feelings relative to his adoption that I want to be privy to and ready to help him with. A true professional who is interested in the whole development of a child - and not just their academic education - will respect and understand this. This year was no exception - I told his new teacher he was adopted when filling out a questionnaire she sent home. The next day she told the class her family background - and said that SHE had three sons who were all born in her heart because they were adopted. She said that my son piped up "oh, wow, me too!." There was a child in the class who did not know what it meant and both my son and the teacher explained. The child responded "cool." Now, for the rest of the year, there will be no surprises. I take comfort in this. As he gets a little older, and can advocate for himself, it will be up to him to share this information with whomever he wishes. Right now, I feel like it's my job.

I remember while in Elementary School I told the other kids about me being adopted when it would come up. I was very proud that I was "picked" as my parents put it. I honestly don't see the need to walk into a child's new teacher every year and tell them the child is adopted. I really don't understand why there needs to be a distinction between the adopted child and the natural parented child. What does it matter if the child is adopted or not? Why should it matter to the teacher? Am I missing something? Perhaps, if the parent deems it important, the school nurse should know or just be sure its in the child's records. I don't see the point of saying anything else to anyone.

If adoption isn't a big deal - why not inform the teacher? It's never been a negative in our family - it's always turned out to be a positive that our son's teacher knows he's adopted. All four of his teachers have genuinely appreciated the information....and have told me so. As I mentioned in my previous post, I "told" the teacher he was adopted while filling out a questionnaire this year that his teacher sent home......it specifically asked for family background information that would help her to understand our child - his goals, his hobbies, his fears, etc. Since my son is asking a lot of questions this year about the circumstances of his adoption such as whether or not he has siblings, how long he was in the hospital before we came and got him (he has a worry that he was there for several days without any family - abandoned so to speak) where his birthparents are right now, why don't we have any other adopted children, will we adopt other children, etc!! This is a big deal in his life right now. I'm so grateful his teacher is interested in him in every way! My point is that for a lot of kids, adoption is not just being the same as every other child. It sounds warm and fuzzy to say that, but many adoptive children have written publicly that they did grieve the loss of their biological family (people that look like them, etc.) One of the best books I ever read was "What Adopted Children Wish Their Parents Knew." It's been awhile since I've read it, so this might be be the exact title, but it made a big impression on me. I now recognize that my child, at age 9, is grieving the loss of his biological family. I not only think this is healthy (better now than later) but also a big enough deal that his teacher knowing simply cannot be a bad thing. Of course, this is just our family's experience and does not mean it applies to everyone. All adoptive families, and adopted children specificially, cope with the circumstances of their family history in a different way, and I can respect that.

Unless there is some really strong reason for this adoptive disclosure, I don't think it is necessary to share the status of the child with the teachers and the other students. When I was in the 6th grade, during Catechism class one of the subjects discussed that day was "What is Baptism" and the answer was it makes the individual being baptized the " adopted child of God." Well the kids had no idea what adopted meant so the teacher went out of her way to share with the class my status..After that I was shuned on the playground..with " If you weren't good enough for your real parents you are not good enough for us either." I think it is a bad idea to share this data without really good and sufficient cause.

I know for our family we only tell teachers as needed. Basically the councilors are told at school because my children are still dealing with the losses of other families. Usually to avoid confusion our younger two children's teachers are told early in the school year. They have 2 other mommys and daddys and call them "old mommy/daddy (aka foster mom/dad) and other mommy/daddy(aka first mom/dad)" I am just mommy. They are 8 and 10 and have only been with us almost 4 years now. Thier older brother and sister decide who and when to tell. They are 14 and 16. This works for us. Kellie* mom who was adopted by a sib group of 4 (according to my 8 year old)