grieving grandma

Nanna, Just wanted to give you a hug ((((hugs)))) and tell you I'm glad you found this place. I am a birthmother. My mom had a really hard time with me placing my daughter (her first grandchild... and she was also your age at the time). On placement day she couldn't even speak to me, she was so angry and upset. I cannot give you advice on whether you should adopt or not, as that is something you need to look into your own heart about. The only thing I'd ask you to consider is whether you are willing to sacrifice your marriage to adopt, and how you'll feel about this child growing up in a single-parent home if that happens. (Also, your son's girlfriend and your son ultimately have the say in what to do---place or parent--and if they decide to place, you need to be prepared for the possibility that they may want to place outside the family. Just thoughts.) I CAN tell you that for my mother, much of the pain is now gone. Marie is three years old. We have an open relationship with Marie and her afamily, and my parents have kept their "grandma" and "grandpa" titles. If it turns out that your son and his girlfriend place outside the family, in an open adoption, let me know. I'd be happy to tell you what I can, 2-hand, of what my mother went through. (((Hugs))) again, Nicole

Hi, I am so very sorry that you are going through this nightmare. We will pray for you and your family. My husband is 43 and I am almost 44. Two years ago we became foster parents to a 13 mo girl and 4 week old boy. Last Friday we were notified that their mom lost her appeal and we can go ahead with their adoption. I'd have to say that starting over is NOT easy but I would not change a thing. Our bc are 20 and 16. They, too, have fallen in love with these babies. I see a couple of possibilities for you (if you can't adopt yourself): 1. You said that the mom doesn't want to put the baby up for adoption but feels she had to. If you are in a position to help her financially that may give her the support she needs to keep the baby. You could also offer babysitting services to her. She's young and I'm sure thinking she's going to miss out on fun (it's only natural). 2. You could ask them to place the baby in an open adoption and specify that you want to stay in touch with the adoptive family/baby. Get to know the adoptive family. Kids can never have too many people love them, I'd hope the adoptive family would be open to this idea. 3. I'd work on my hubby! But in the end you need to respect his decision. If you both aren't in agreement with starting over it will never work. Best of luck to you and your family. I will pray that things work out the way God intends them to. Please update us. Michelle

You've already received some great advice, but I just want to add a couple of things. Your husband may change his mind after giving it more consideration. The initial thought of raising a baby again could have been scary for him, but maybe with time he will come around. I've heard of many men in similar situations who were against it at the start, then realized it was right for them. If there really is no chance of that, I agree with the others that you should consider helping the girl and your son financially, emotionally, etc. But, please before you change her mind about giving it up for adoption, make sure she really wants to parent and isn't just using the finance thing as her reason for not parenting. You wouldn't want her to have the baby for several months, then have her change her mind and your husband saying he still doesn't want to adopt. That would be much worse than where you are now. If you are not able to adopt the baby and the girl isn't ready to parent...don't lose hope that if the baby is adopted that you won't be able to be grandma. I am a potential adoptive mom and have been through a failed adoption where the bmom chose us and we were planning an open adoption. We met the family and I was excited that the baby would have us in addition to the other family...not in place of. I looked at it as expanding our family. That is probably more open than most, but I thought it sounded best for the baby. In our case, the bmom ended up deciding to parent, so it didn't work out for us. In your case if the baby is adopted, just know that there are adoptive parents out there who would love you to be grandma. Best wishes to you all.

Just thought I would add! Kara's parents have decided to call my mom grandma also. They write to my mom independently of me and have their own relationship, even thought it is minimal and I am told when they have contact. I had a child when I was 17. Pregnant at 16, and I decided that I wanted to TRY parenting. I was aware even then that many many couples are willing to adopt a child that is a few months old... or even older! So I tried. I did great- well that's my opinion and I am biased about my parenting skills! SO now I have a wonderful little 6 year old that I couldnt imagine being without. Yet I placed my second without considering bringing her home. I knew what it took that time around and knew instantly that I would never be her mommy.

I can relate to your pain. I recently went through nearly the same thing you are. Except, my son wanted to keep the baby, the mother said she would take him to court and fight him. So I wanted to keep the baby,I'm 43, hubby 45 (recently married). My husband said "I don't want to raise another baby". My first and only grandchild went home with her AParents when she was 3 days old. It is supposed to be an open adoption, we have recieved a letter and pictures, waiting for more pictures soon, and awaiting our first visit with her in Dec. And praying to God everyday that this visit goes well and we can build a relationship with the aparents. I know that she is in a wonderful loving caring home, with aparents that completely adore her. Financially she will never want for anything, she has a stay at home Mommy, will never know food stamps, welfare etc. She is also being raised Christian. My son gave these people a blessing, I watched this child make himself sick over this decision, I used to think that adoption was only for those that didn't want their children. I Was Terribly Wrong. Adoption is the most unselfish act of love I have ever seen, he not only gave the aparents a gift, but the baby a gift, a stable 2 parent home, something he could not give her. So we pray, we pray for the aparents to accept us, and let her be a part of her life. I have gone into a depression with this. It has been the hardest thing I have ever faced, imagine how the bparents must feel. I know my so is hurting, I don't know have any contact with the Mother, so I don't know. I can't get past my anger at her though, for saying she would fight in court. It's an emotional roller coaster, it hurts, it hurts bad. I think the bottom line is the welfare of the child, what is best for the baby. You have to wiegh the options, and pray.

I know this is someone else's thread, however, I just wanted to thank both of the grandmothers for giving your feeling. I am in the early stages of adopting our 2 foster kids and have been thinking long and hard on whether to do an open adoption and, if so, how far was I willing to go with it. I believe that grandparents should NOT be punished by not being allowed to see their grandkids because of poor decisions/lifestyles (in our case, not yours) on their children's part. I am very willing to have them as our children's grandparents (if they are willing, we will need to ask them). I still have many issues to iron out with regards to their birth mom but I feel a lot of peace in my heart since coming to the decision on the part of the grandparents. Thank you again. Michelle

Someone is going to be very lucky to have you as aparents. For me, I know that I have no rights to my grand daughter, and I know at anytime they can go back on their agreement, that is so scary. All I know is I love my grand daughter and want so terribly to be a part of her life. Placing a child for adoption is devastating, it hurts. I can't even imagine how the bparents feel, my son won't even hardly share with me, he just says, Mom I'm grieving, could you ever imagine have given me up? Absolutely not, never. He didn't want this, he was in the delivery room, he changed her diapers, he fed her, that boy cried so much, his heart was torn to shreds. When he made the choice to let her go at the hospital that day, the social worker said he literally threw up. Oh My God, that day was horrible, it was awful, he took her little onsies she was wearing and took them home and put them in a baggie "he said it will keep her scent in the baggie". It's been really hard, so many emotions, so little peace. Not a day goes by that my grand daughter and her aparents are not in my prayers. I love the aparents, I haven't met them, but the kids did. But I just want to be a part of her life. I just want to love that baby girl.

Our situation is much different, their parents didn't lovingly give them up. That's where my struggle about what is best for these babies comes from. I hear so much grief and sadness in your posts. I hope the baby's aparents keep their word (I'm sure they will) and allow you to have a special loving relationship with your granddaughter. As a person who values family as my most precious thing in life, I can foresee very few reasons why I'd stop allowing my childrens grandparents visits. They would be: 1. The did or threatened physical or emotional harm to my children. 2. The let them down one too many times (i.e., promised visits then not show, that type of stuff) I guess that is emotional harm. 3. They didn't respect our position as the kids mom and dad We will not allow visits with their parents and, if we found out that they went against that, that would be an automatic breach of trust and we would stop the visits immediately! In our situation it would NOT be in our children's best interest to see their mom until she straightens out her life. Maybe at some point in the future we could be more flexibile but she'd have to "jump through hoops" to prove to me that she has, indeed, changed. I wish you much luck in your quest to know and love your granddaughter as a grandparent should! I know I don't know you or your entire situation but you sound like you would be a wonderful grandmom! Good luck. Michelle

You are truly in a difficult situation & I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I agree that if they do choose to place the baby & you are not able to adopt you should ask that the adoptive family be willing to allow you to have contact with your grandchild. I know there are many potential adoptive families out there that would be more than willing to let you do that as long as it is in the child's best interest. Two of the children in my home as foster children that we will adopt if they become eligible for adoption have a WONDERFUL grandma who I keep in contact with & she visits the kids whenever she wants. My parents & my husband's parents are deceased so without her they wouldn't have any grandparents to love them. Hang in there and I will pray that God will lead you all in the right direction. Denise

all of your stories were wonderful and heartfelt. I have strong family values. I could not face going through life knowing that I didn't do everything possible in my power to help those children do the right thing. I talked to Jen the mother who clearly stated she did not want to give her baby up for adoption and that she was only doing this to make my son happy cause of their financial situation. I also talked to my son who said he loved the baby and didn't want to give the baby up either but didn't know what other choice there was. I made it easier for them rather than they going through life regretting what they did I offered financial assistance. I will help them in any way possible and so will her family. Ron also mentioned that he was concerned that he would be stuck in a long term relationship with jen and he isn't sure that she is the one the only advice I had for him there was that just because two people have a child together doesn't meant you stay together for the childs sake but you will support that child for the next 18 years or longer. \ if you have problems in a relationship and you only stay together for the childs sake then you are only hurting yourselves and your hurting the child by staying in a non loving relationship that will go nowhere and they both need to understand this. thanks to all who replied and I will visit this site often in hopes to have some good advice for other grandparents or relitives that are hurting. god bless you all luv nanasandy

Nana, Thanks for the update. I'm very glad to hear that you all are coming to a workable solution. How wonderfully kind of you to offer financial (and emotional!) support. What a blessing you are to this mother, your son, and your grandchild. I agree that your son can have a relationship with and support his child even if he is no longer romantically involved with his child's mother. I'm sure that can get sticky, but you all sound like rational, calm, wise people, so just remind him that he and his son's mom should just keep their child's best interests at heart.... and they should be able to redefine their relationship and still keep it respectful. Many hugs, well-wishes, and blessings your way. Nicole