Half adopted

I am in a similar situation. My mother got pregnant when she was 18. She and my biological father had already broken up before she even knew she was pregnant. When he found out that she was pregnant, he asked her if she wanted his help, and my mother said no. She married the man who adopted me when I was three. Now that I am grown and successful, my biological father has tried to become a part of my life. He says he has always dreamed of us being a family, but if that's true, why did he give up so easily? It feels like he wanted someone else to deal with all the hard stuff, then when I'm grown and turned out well, he wants us to have a relationship. I don't really know of any literature about this. It seems like something noone wants to talk about.

You are referring to Step-parent adoption. There is a forum here for step parents, but I have also had a hard time finding very specific info on reuniting with a birthfather if it was a step parent adoption situation. However, many of the same issues apply to children raised with one biological parent and adopted by the other as well as applying to children raised by 2 adoptive parents. In my own experience, being adopted by my step dad, I was very easily able to relate to "full" adoptees in their nervousness in reunion since I am also communicating with my biological father for the first time in recent months. Out of curiousity, what issues do you see being unique to adopted step children? Which do you feel are the same as children adopted by both parents?

hi tt- i am in a similar circumstance. my mother said that she forced my birth father to give me up for adoption, so that her new husband could adopt me. she thought it was best and i was not even 2. she and my adoptive father had my sister and then divorced when i was 8. she remarried again when i was 12, and this man, my stepdad, is who raised us. we are not in contact with my adoptive father. last week, i was contacted by my half brother - we share the same birth father - who didn't know i existed. we have been emailing and he plans to tell his dad (our father) and the rest of the family about having connected with me, at christmas. i will wait and see how that goes before telling any of my family. however, my sister knows and is very supportive. one thing i would say is that there are always 2 sides to every story; in this case, your birth mom's and your birth father's. you might not have all of the facts right now. secondly, i think the adoption.com website is a great source of articles and books. third, ask yourself those 10 questions they post on this website about reunions, especially whether or not you are ready, what your expectations are, and whether or not you have the maturity and open-mindedness to handle the outcome. lastly, i think it helps to have a support system, especially someone who will support you no matter what and someone with whom you can completely trust. this will help you weather whatever happens. good luck and keep me posted. -kc

kc, one of the first things my birthfather asked me was what I exepected out of the relationship. Fortunately, I was at least a little prepared. One of the things that really perked his ears up was that someday I plan to have children and no matter what time had passed from the day I was born until then, they would still be his grandchildren.

I too was raised by my stepdad. He never "legally" adopted me but I used his name. My bdad lives about 3 hours away and I would like to meet him but not sure if he wants to. Thinking about sending him a letter. He has a family all older than me. And I don't know if they know about me or not. He was married when I was concieved to the same lady he is married to now. But they may have been separated, who knows? I will be going to the city he lives in on vacation this summer and would like to meet him. I do not "want" or expect anything from him. Just curious about familiy history since I have two children of my own now.

I am in a similar deal. My mom married my stepdad when i was two, and then he adopted me. Unfortunately, he and my mom lied to me about it and didn't tell me I was adopted until I was 12. That, among other things, caused many problems for me. I have recently decided it was time to confront my mother about meeting my birthdad. I'm currently not too optimistic about the outcome concerning our relationship(my mom will more than likely try to make me feel guilty for causing problems with the family), but I can't do it behind her back with a clear conscience. Besides, she probably knows where my birthdad is, and if I could by some miracle get her to cooperate, it would make the contacting process much easier. In your birthfather's defense, and I don't know how old you are or how much time has passed, it could be that he has genuinely changed and wants a fresh start. Good luck with whatever you decide, and keep us updated!

I read this thinking "That's me" the whole time, except for one thing. I found out on my own at 12 and my parents have still not told me anything, I am now 23. They are keeping it a "secret" and I haven't told them I know the truth either. I just recently (VERY recently) found out someone is looking for me that I didn't even know existed. I don't know what to do. I want to contact them, but I'm afraid my dad (adopted father) might be hurt by this. I'm just really confused. Mandy~

Let's keep this thread going guys, it just made my day! I'm am also a step parent adoptee. -mother had me at 17 -broke up with bdad at 19 -bdad joined navy to clean up from drug use and partying -mom got pregnant again and married my sister's father when I was 4 -at age 4 they asked bdad to relingquish...he declined until they threatened to sue him for 4 years backed child support -by age 5 bdad had signed papers and I was adopted by stepdad...never the be openly spoken of again The shame that my mother feels over this is insane!!! She recently found out I want to meet my bdad and she flipped out and was throwing up and wrote me a letter telling me how selfish I am and that I'm betraying her and the rest of the "family." I was so hurt by this...I'm sick of being the "dirty little secret" from her past relationship. My adad is my "dad", but he is clearly NOT my father and it really hurts me that noone in my family will acknowledge this! My childhood was fairly disruptive and dysfunctional. That's not the reason for my search, I have always wanted to know about my bdad and my mother told me to stop fantasizing that I wouldn't like him and he was a bad person...etc. How bad could he be, she dated him for 4 years!!!!!!!!!! and he helped create me!!!!!!!!! Lets keep posting on this guys...there is so little information on bdads in this situation.. anyway, I contacted him 10 days ago and I'm waiting for a response...I don't understand why he would need to think about contacting me back...what the heck??? I am his daughter...he baptized me, he held me, he used to wear a t-shirt with my picture on it....I just don't get it :( merry christmas everyone, I'll be watching this thread. healingfeeling

Hi All, I have just found this post....I am also half adopted, in the exact same way as tt - the original poster. I am now in my 30's, and I have recently been emailing my bio-daddy. I am going to meet him in a few months time ( we live in different countries.) I am happy about this, except that I have recently told my mother and she seems to be devastated by this, and I don't know what to do or how to help without cancelling my reunion with my bdad. I know that they had an awful relationship, and I believe there might have been physical violence etc during their brief marriage. It seems to me as if my mother feels betrayed and she does not understand why I want to be in touch with him. I feel heart broken that a natural curiosity and a desire to know my father has led to so much heart ache and confusion. Does anyone have any advice or experience of a similair situation? I don't know which way to jump. Thank you so much for your help. :)

Acacia Tree - You are not responsible for your mother's feelings. Those are her own and she will have to work through them. You have every right to contact and have a relationship with your Dad. Please don't let anyone tell you differently! How about putting your own feelings first? If you want to meet him then you should. People do change and he may not be the same man that your mother knew. Let her know that this is something that you need to do for yourself. Hopefully she will understand.

I'm out here and I am willing to listen. I recently connected with my birthdad (I was raised by my mom and my step-dad; my step-dad adopted me when I was a year old). It's not an easy ride, this thing called reunion, but I can relate to so much of what you are saying. My first piece of advise is to read "COMING HOME TO SELF" by Nancy Verrier. Along with therapy, that book helped me so much. Hang on, it's quite a ride, but even with all the bumps it's so, so worth it; I feel complete for the first time in my life! Moonbeam