Adoptive Parents Abandonment

A VERY TELLING RECENT POST OF ANOTHER ADOPTEE SAID: "How do I deal with this, I wish I were never been born, I am lost. I feel that if I had enough cash that I should go after the state for puting me threw all of this garbage." A recent song I discovered and I highly recommend listening to for any adoptee is by Anastacia called "LEFT OUTSIDE ALONE" 2004. It describes exactly how I feel about my adoptive father. What I am about to say is not to offend anyone, I can only write from my own experience and thoughts about being an adoptee. I wish every person who is out to adopt children would read all of these adult adoptee posts prior to adopting so that they have a better grip on how to handle being adoptive parents and that it is a lifetime commitment and not just getting a baby (we are not pets). I went through stages of different ways of dealing with being an adoptee ( I first noticed I did not feel close to my sister - then began seeing how my friends families seemed to be warmer, laugh together - you know close). My first way to handle feeling disconnected started around second grade through high school - I just would make in my mind pretend stories that I was part of a different family. I initially bonded with my adoptive mother but my adoptive father was always emotionally detached. It was the mother who wanted a "baby". That created problems for me that I did not understand until now ( I'm 37) When my older brother and sister (both adopted from different families) reached a certain age - they went out and adopted two more "babies". I received all kinds of attention as a baby and then at about second grade was left to raise myself - no rules no boundaries no discipline. We went to church weekly but there was no communication in the household, my parents did not argue so I never learned that people can argue and then make up ( I have now since figured that out). My adoptive father was the church organist - the public do-gooder - but at home was in his own world barely acknowledging us. In grade school I seriously thought I would become a nun - and I came very close in 6th grade to move into the convent when my family moved to a new city. At age 8, I then witnessed my older brother and sister getting zero positive attention and both were kicked out of the house at 18. I was 10 years younger and felt as a child I was not safe and I began then to plan my own exit plan for when I turned 18. ( I didn't realize it then but now in reflecting I know that is what I did). No one of the four children (all adopted family) stayed close. I dealt with the detached feeling by being a super achiever - going after any company award for recognition from 18 through 32. During that period I met thousands of people and families that I could see that close family spirit - and I knew in my heart that wasn't a part of my life. I would choose relationships that were long distance or physical ones - not allowing myself to be too close to anyone. Once my adoptive mother past away almost 10 years ago (she was the one who wanted to adopt in the first place) - the adoptive father immediately remarried - he cried three days after my mothers death "I don't want to be alone" and considers his new wife's children his kids (which would be fine but his adoptive children are distant and do not hear from him -all emails go through his new wife. It is ridiculous.) In an Adult attempt to build a one on one relationship with him I sent my adoptive father for his birthday a personal cd of songs I wanted him to hear - lyrics that cried out for love - and a letter with an open mind to hear about his life, how he was raised - hoping to get a clue why he is the way he is. I received a short letter not responding to any questions and saying his wife enjoyed the music too. Something is very strange about this man and I know in my heart I tried to get to know him and now he is over 70 and will die having adopted four babies with the world of possibilities - only to abandon the responsibility of being a father. That sickens me for my other adoptive siblings - especially my older brother. On Fathers day 2003 I called him to say hi and asked about my older brother how he was doing. My adoptive father said "I think he's dead" - I said "I refuse to believe that - and what can I do to help" - he stated he had the police looking into it ( Brother lives 8 hours away from my father). A few weeks later in 2003 I found out he wasn't dead and now me and my brother correspond and is a source for some support. Would you believe that my brother (who is alive but thought dead) has still not received a visit from my father!?! I see families like the Laci Petersons who are devastated when their adult child is missing - I am glad to know it exists out there because I certainly have not experienced it! My brother (now 47) is very sad and that is what kills me because he did not deserve this - he wonders why his dad never spends time with him father & son. What it taught me is that it is not personal - he is treating us all the same - we were all abandoned. Believe it or not it makes it easier to accept for me knowing this. I am writing this not to vent or to have anyone feel sorry for me - I have grieved through this situation and just know I have to be strong, independent and I will never have a close family life. Grasping for love from someone who is emotionally vacant does more harm then to move on. After reading some of these adoptee posts (I am so grateful for!) I feel I have a different kind of family. I am hopeful that this thread and maybe something in what I write will bring some thought to those other adult adoptees out there. Thank you for taking the time to read this - I know it was long. I could have wrote volumes of specific examples and experiences but I think this is more than enough. If you are experiencing difficulty with your relationship with your adoptive parents as an adult adoptee I would really LOVE to hear about it to learn from you!