Help! Double-Whammy!

Take care of yourself, let yourself grieve, and remeber that for whatever time these babies were with you they were loved and cared for. I like the poem: Some people come into our lives and quickly go, Some stay a while and leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same. It goes both ways.....not only are we never the same, but they aren't either....((((HUGS))))

Rocking mama, Are you a foster home or foster to adopt home? point being, you mentioned you adopted your first fc,the 2nd had to be reunited with the birth family and now the 3rd. is also leaving...... THAT'S what fostering is all about. Reunification has to be the first priority (if it's in the childs best interest) problem is we foster parents get emotionally attached, and don't want to experience the heartache of the loss by allowing the child to return. What other choice do you have, none really? If your intentions is to foster in hopes for an adoptable child to come into your home then can i make a suggestion???...... Take this time to grieve your loss, say alot of prayers on behalf of those children you have loved and nurtured all those months, pray for their happiness and safety, and allow your heart time to mend, it's gonna take sme time. Then call your sw and tell them your ready for more placements. however; if fostering and only fostering, with OUT any intentions of adoptions is your game plan, ten expect to just love them and nurture them and guide them and most importantly guard your heart and be PREPARED for reunification because thats the difference between being a licensed foster home or a licensed foster to adopt home. it's a mind set- we personally (dh and I ) don't feel we could do straight fostercare. maybe once we've had a successful adoption, and my kids are much older, but for now, while we are still wanting to build and add on to our family, our intentions is to adopt. We are a licensed foster to adopt household. We haven't had a placement yet, but you can bet if it becomes too emotionally draining and exhausting, we won't hesitate switching to straight adoption. Ya gotta do what's best for your family and everyone involved. Good Luck, I'll keep you in prayer. malificient.

I don't have anything that will make your pain any less this must hurt real deep..... and be very emotional.... I can say that you show great signs of being able to overcome this pain in that you realize a break is a good choice.... Not that it will heal a broken heart but that it may make it less difficult when you are able to try again..... Know that your love and care has made a difference in these little lives......and that you have been a blessing to these children..... I personally would plan a family vacation and do something different with your child and rest--relax and regain you energy---the Foster to Adopt system is a hard road to walk....and one with many up's and down's and often filled with heartbreak....... Spring is here and the house needs cleaned--you need a new harido and some one on one time with the child you have..... Taking a break is a HEALTHY thing to do right now under the circumstance.....You may be surprised that it won't take very long before you find it in your ability to accept another child..... An ending is often the begining of a new chapter--and it is possible you have been made stronger in this experience---rest--relax and recreation and redirection is always something good to do after such an emotional roller coaster.....

I raced to the computer the morning after my post to find such loving responses to my plight! We are a foster-to-adopt home but we knew these 2 babies were definitely going to be reunified---we just had never been thru it before and didn't realize our hearts were going to feel like they are ripped out and stomped on!!! :eek: Plus, who woulda thought DHS would take them within 2 weeks of each other!! I'm just sayin, this is real hard going thru the first time and 2nd time, like "BOOM-BOOM, take that!!" Anna, I have cleaned out all of my kitchen cupboards and rearranged everything in them. You must know how I cope!! LOL! My 2-yr old daughter is walking around the house saying, "(name of babies who are gone), bye-bye." She has been extra clingy and whiney. Dr. says maybe she's afraid she'll be next!!! So, I've been giving her extra love and hugs. My teens are going between "Ah, Mom, you knew this would happen--get ahold of yourself!" to "I MISS (NAME OF BABIES)!!!" My husband is EXTREMELY crabby. So, I just wonder.........is this what we'll be like every time??? How does one do differently? Is there a way to guard yourself from becoming too emotionally involved and still do well by the child? In other words, HOW DO Y'ALL DO IT OVER AND OVER!!!! tia

I have not done this yet myself--I do hope oneday to have it in me to Foster because I grew up watching it be done by my aunt and uncle and the way it changed my life was amazing.... I am not really sure how any of us were able to survive the losses---last time we tried to count the foster children I grew up with we got to 60 and gave up.... Our family was one of the kind that lived within blocks and always just showed up at someone's house for dinner.... My aunt and unlce were so wonderful and we (the kids) there were three cousins in their home and three in my home....We always seemed to manage to get over it....and to FEEL we had done a good job being nice kids who treated the foster kids well.... Our family worked very hard to help the 6 of us understand that as children we had played a great role in the lives of the foster children and we were perhaps given a great deal of praise especially when there were losses. One thing that was always oddly helpful was the "Place at the Table" Now I know you have been taking very little babies....but there could still be the same kind of idea maybe a highchair.....BUT my aunt and uncle ALWAYS set the same number of dinner spots at the table--even if there were no foster children at the home that meal--the seat was there waiting....because the phone could ring at anytime.... We as children were able to see these places set and KNOW those spots were for the KIDS who needed our family to help them when they family was having a bad time...... When all the spots were full we knew they were full--when they were empty we set them anyway in case someone else might knock on the door hungry--- This always helped US as children and In a way I think it helped the adults too.... It is odd but every single one of the 6 of us children have grown up and each of our families have a symbolic seat at our tables for the child who needs a safe home....Even though none of us wait for the phone to ring--we see this as sort of a prayer for one kid out there..... It is like keeping a place holder--keeping the heart open....makeing a menatl message that that seat may have a lot of different people sit in it....but our family is the same family..... When we didn't have fosterkids for Thanksgiving my dad and uncle would drive down to the navy base and pick up young men who didn't have a place to eat T-dinner with..... That seat was a big deal and I think having full or empty was not as important as having it there in the first place.... I can't say if it helped my aunt and uncle lessen the broken heart pain or not--but I can say for us kids it did very much.....It was not as big a loss when a child left--we knew the spot was there for another child who needed it more.

Anna, Thank you for sharing your beautiful story! I LOVE the idea of leaving the place at the table for the next child! That's fabulous!! Like you, I grew up with foster care in the family, only it was actually my mom who did it. She was licensed for 6 multi-handicapped children at a time, so over the course of 24 years, we had over 120 children in our home. These fc stayed until they were too big for Mom to lift or until they passed away (most were severely medically fragile). We actually weren't used to seeing the fc leave because normally they didn't. One child was with us 14 years! So, it's the leaving part that is hard on me cuz it's not a big part of my experience. Our Native American foster baby is still here due to the tribe not communicating when they will be coming to get her. All the legal paperwork has been completed. We've been told she could leave any given day, so just have her packed up and ready. What a wacky way to live!!! Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. I think you are perfectly equipped to be a terrific foster mom!

[INDENT]"So, I just wonder.........is this what we'll be like every time??? How does one do differently? Is there a way to guard yourself from becoming too emotionally involved and still do well by the child? In other words, HOW DO Y'ALL DO IT OVER AND OVER!!!!"[/INDENT] Rocking Mama - The answer is at the bottom of each of your posts "God is good, all the time!" God is the one who has made it possible for me to let 18 fc go in the last 2-1/2 years. He will help me when it is time for the current ones to go. Remember "I can do all things through God who strengthens me". :) He will see you through it. Blessings, LL

Well, it's hittin' me today as I survey all the toys and baby stuff that need to be put away for now. I feel like I did when I suffered a miscarriage--empty and sad. The house is so quiet and everyone in it has a solemn face. I'm relieved to be taking a break from foster care for a while. I sure hope this gets a little easier--that's all I have to say!!!

I am so sorry that you are feeling sad, and trying to come to terms with losing those two children. I was in foster care as a child/teenager. It is very important that you remember that you have made a BIG difference to those children's lives, by giving them a loving home and family during the time that they stayed with you. Never forget that what you have done is love them unconditionally. You should be proud of what you have achieved, even though it hurts to lose them. HUGS, Collette

Your words are like soothing balm on a wounded spirit and I thank you for them! RM

You are very welcome :) Collette