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I was just browsing through some posts on the website and saw one on codependency over in the adoptees section. As I was reading some of the posts where they were all saying how they've realized how they are codependent, gone to therapy for it and everything, I wondered how many birth parents and others have found they are codependent as well. It took me quite a while and going through an abusive marriage/divorce, having my two daughters and placing them for adoption and so on to finally realize with the help of a counselor that I was codependent. Come to find out all these years wondering what was wrong with me, wondering what my 'core issue' or shall we say root of all my problems was, had a name. It was Codependency. I discovered all this when I started going to a new counselor besides the one I had been going to and read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. So, I was just wondering how many of you identify with being codependent, have read that book or found yourself in the little codependent triangle cycle. Where you play the persecutor, the rescuer and play the victim - not sure the exact order of the cycle, but those are the three roles. I found that I was always doing that cycle in my relationships with guys and always doing things to please others, never having self confidence in myself, never loving or accepting myself until now. Of course I traced that cycle in dating relationships back to the cycle starting in my family with my mother. Now I'm making great progress and have finally come to a point where I feel love and acceptance for myself and am living my life for myself. It feels great to finally be living my own life for me and no one else and to be happy with myself. I just finally feel like I am my own person and I am independent and no longer codependent, trapped in that ruthless cycle. So, I was just wondering who else here has read that book by Melody Beattie or has things with codependency in their life. Just wondering the commoness of it all, I guess and if anyone had any comments about it from their own life to share. Anne :)
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Well, my mother (in name only) is doing her dumb stuff again - big surprise, I know :rolleyes: . I constantly think to myself that 'she's not my mother' nowadays.It's just I just finally achieved my goal of getting my Associates degree as most of you know and on my graduation day - she was all gushing and oh so proud that she'd raised such a great daughter and done such a good job with me. Then today, she told me I was a disrespectful, bad child and she was saying how she didn't understand what she'd done wrong with me :rolleyes: . Sooo annoying - her mood swings and projecting her personal crap onto me like that. My mother - I swear she's never going to get it - she's never going to see what I and others see with her codependency and other issues that need addressing. It's like talking to a brick wall with her - nothing new there :grr: . What cracks me up though is how my mom tries to simplify things so much sometimes. I mean like this cracked me up - the other day she told me that if I had just stayed living away at college right out of high school and not come home, then everything would be better now and I wouldn't have gone through my bad marriage, been abused, had and placed my two girls and I would be happily married to a great guy etc. if I'd just switched that one choice in my past LOL. Yeah, right :rolleyes: . Things aren't quite that simple. So, what else is new - same ol, same ol, annoying stuff with my mom - counting down until I move out :woohoo: .
Anne,
I was chatting on the phone yesterday to a friend and we were discussing our mothers/families at one point. She has had her own set of problems with hers so can empathise totally with what we have been through. At one point I jokingly said something on the lines of "my parents will always be on on Planet P** and Planet K****" even though I am closer to my dad and will always love in. It made us both laugh but there is the serious side to it.
I can relate to over what happened over your graduation as my mum has behavedy the same to me where important days are concerned. Whenever I have been successful in anything my mum has been lovely to me then soon afterwards I've been told what a useless, waste of space I am.
At one time I struggled dealing with this so my way of dealing with it was to leave home but it didn't solve it. Now I almost pity my mum as she can't seem to realize the damage she is doing. Do our mothers ever realize?
It is a sad day when we have to move away to get some peace.
Pip :wings:
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Yep, I hear ya and that's what drives me crazy sometimes if I let it - is knowing that my mother has no clue as to what she's done or what she's doing when she says and does things like that to me, my Dad and my siblings.She does those kinds of things just as much to my Dad and my siblings - it's like my Dad was saying the other day about it when I was feeling picked on and he pointed out that I shouldn't really feel that way because my mom - she doesn't play favorites lol. She dishes out her crap equally to all of us and my Dad in our family. It's sad really like you're saying that to get some peace and be able to have somewhat of a better relationship with our moms or try to, that we have to put distance between ourselves and them with moving out. All my siblings moved out as soon as they could because of similar issues they were having with my mom like the issues etc. I have to constantly deal with living with her also, so it was good for me to know from my Dad that he has had talks about my mom and had to help all my siblings with the same thing with my mom and moving out etc. in the past. Heck, all my siblings still talk to my Dad and now me also about my mom and these things - me and my siblings even though they've moved out still have to deal with my mom and her crap so I know it won't go away when I move, but I know the distance will make it easier and less in my face than it is with me living with her right now. It's just sad and sometimes frustrating that our mothers can't see what we see so clearly. Besides the fact that, when I graduated with my Associates the other day and my mom was proud of me, but kind of trying to take credit for me getting there - I thought to myself, um, maybe she helped some, but I got here for myself and pushed myself - I didn't really achieve or get this degree for or because of her, ya know. It's sad, but true, I'm counting down till I move out to get some peace and live my life for myself on a whole new level without my mom ever breathing down my neck about how I should be doing this or that :p.
Tigger27
Anyway, a stupid guy popped up from my past again this week wanting to be "justfriends" .Anne :)
Jackiejdajda
When will I realize that I need not permit the alcoholics ( or acting out person) behaviour to confuse my life and destroy my peace of mind? When will I learn that there is no compulsion, in law or ethics, that forces me to accept humiliation, uncertainty and despair. Have I perhaps accepted it because I have subconscious desire for martyrdom? Do I secretly relish feeling sorry for myself and want sympathy from others? TodayҒs Reminder I have a right to free myself from any situation that interferes with my having a decent life and pleasant experiences. Every human being is entitled to live without fear, uncertainty, discomfort. I should take a firm stand and hold fast to whatever decisions I make, to help not only myself and my family, but the suffering alcoholic as well. Constant wavering can only hinder me from breaking out of my present thinking patterns. Jackie
Hey I must hold a record here for not actually talking to my mother for 7 years, 5 months and approx 4 days. The last time I spoke to my dad was on Boxing Day 1998. I didn't have any contact with my parents whatsover for 2 years and 11 months, since then it's by Christmas, birthday, wedding anniversary cards and the occasional letter. Not for the want of trying on my part but I finally got to the "I can't be bothered" stage so I write if I have something to say and if they don't respond that's their problem not mine. Yet several months ago my dad told my son they only heard from me on special days which didn't amuse me at all. Since then if I send a letter I do so by recorded delivery so if they claim I haven't written I can then say they are either lying or my sister has signed for the letter and not told them. This is how malicious my sister is whom I haven't spoken to for 7 years, 4 months, 3 weeks and approx 3 days :cheer: and counting :clap: . Put it this way she is still telling one particular outrageous lie 7 1/2 years on yet it has been proven she did yet on her cozy planet she still believes this lie :rolleyes: . One friend has suggested me getting an injunction out her then if she persists on telling lies I can take her to court for slander...definitely food for thought :D .
Talking about men from the past I was amazed about a year ago to get an email from an ex that I went out with for all of ten weeks :) when I was 17 turning 18. Oh boy did that bring back memories as that's now going on 20 something years ago ;) . We still have a bit of content as we do get on and dh knows it's above board. We split up due to a misunderstanding but that's another story :cool: ...
Pip :wings:
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YUMMY! I love strawberry daquaris and pina coladas. We just became proud parents of a baby girl kitten yesterday. lol.. Now we have two dogs and 5 cats.:) Pip.. I am sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time with your mother. Hopefully there will be a day when the two of you can mend those bridges that was once burned. I wish you the best of luck. When my youngest daughter was born, my mom was upset cuz she didn't get to go into the labor/delivery room with me like she did with the other two. But eventually, she got over it. The longest I ever went without talking to my family was a year.. that was long enough for me. To this day, I still think I have a better relationship with my father than my mother.
I have not read the book on codependency. However, reading what has been written here, it sounds as though many people suffer from issues of self confidence. As a child with toxic parents, I spent 1/2 my time trying to fight them and, stupidly, the other 1/2 trying to please them in the hopes of winning their approval. That went on for most of my 20s and even into my late 30s..... but I didn't try to "fit in with" or "rescue" or "please" others. Instead, I just kept a distance so that they too could not manipulate me or hurt me. Yes, with my parents I continued for many years to try and win their love and approval. Now, I know that this will never be possible. I accept it. I just wish I had done so many many years ago. If people try to manipulate me now, or are rude to me, I just go for the jugular... I get very "assertive". I think it is possible to change one's behaviour. However, it is far more difficult to change one's beliefs (about being inadequate or unimportant etc). Good luck to those of you who are trying to break out of the chains of co-dependency.
YAY for you - hopefully she won't try to send any other crazy e-mails to you :p . As for me, well, Christine, you know my update, but for the rest of you who don't know I'll give my rundown here. My mom is still herself with her problems and still oblivious to everything, but things have gotten better within the last few weeks to a month for me. They've gotten better because...*drum roll*...I have finally moved out into my own place - YAY me! :cheer::woohoo: :clap::thankyou: :cheer: :woohoo: :clap: Things are that much better and different simply because I moved out. I'm now living on my own and going to school away from home. Of course, I'm only a couple hours away from home so I can go back every once in a while, but also it's far enough away that I get my space. Being away from home the past couple weeks now has given me a lot of space that I've needed. I still e-mail my mom occasionally and I've talked to her on the phone once or twice, but I talk to my Dad the most when I get in touch. I actually just wrote about this in my blog the other day and how things have been so much better and healthier for me now. It's amazing, but I've noticed an amazing change with myself that has been healthy, positive and all with being away from home and my mom. I have been feeling much better about things, myself and life in general. All the things that I had a hard time with when I lived at home with my mom I'm doing much better with those things now that I'm on my own away from her and home :). So, my update and progress has been great and very positive lately especially with my recent move to living on my own. Moving out was one of the best things I've done for myself in a long time :D . Anne :woohoo:
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Have to say since I just saw this thread again that I was thinking about this the other day because I'm doing lots better living on my own away from my mom and all. But, now that I've got a boyfriend and been getting more serious with him, I find that I still have the voice of my mom, which I suppose represents the voice of my insecurities and fears at times, come up that I have to deal with in regards to my relationship now. It's annoying sometimes, but fortunately I have learned enough from my past and counseling that I've been able to start doing better with squashing the voice of my mother and insecurities etc. when they come up. I just thought of this the other day because I had one of my periodic freak outs with fears and insecurities. Well and I can't tell my mom as much as I do my dad about how things really are with my boyfriend because then she says things that don't help me at all. Like one of the last times I went home and was talking about things and she started saying what if he's cheating on you, what if he says he wants to date other people, blah, blah, blah and it was all I could do not to flip out and rip her a new one because I was like I do not need your help with giving me fears or insecurities, I have enough to deal with on my own without her help, ya know. Anyway, so I've learned not to tell or share certain things with her unless I want to deal with her saying crap like that. Well and my Dad is still been one of the people that helps keep me grounded and sane when she tries to throw me off. Oh and actually now that I'm getting more serious with my boyfriend, I've started explaining and talking to him more about how my mom is and stuff and he's always doing his best to help me and build me up and help me stay grounded now too so the battle still continues on some level, but it's still much better than it's ever been before in my life :) . Hope everyone else is doing alright. Anne :cloud9: