Husband wants to cut off contact with daughter's bfamily

Brink, I am sorry you have become a scapegoat on this forum. It is a well-known fact that body image and weight are huge issues for all females in our society. Regardless, you are the parent and have the right to decide if/when your child will receive a picture. By withholding information, we are not necessarily "lying" but sometimes "protecting". Over-protection is a common affliction in parenting, especially adoptive parenting. I protect my adopted daughter in ways that I don't protect my non-adopted son. As an adoptee, I know the information is valuable so I save it for some unknown time when I will begin to show it to my daughter as she grows up. Will I edit out some hurtful information? Sure. Nobody gets the full story, whether you are adopted or not. I didn't know my a-father was divorced until I was 17 years old. My parents decided they didn't think it was important to share that with me. Was I shocked? Yes, because there was a child involved, but not devastated. Most biological parents are not put under the microscope for what they do and do not tell their children. I wonder why adoptive parents are so highly criticized in this way. Julie- I think your husband has some valid reasons for feeling as he does and those feelings should be respected instead of being labeled "insecurities". Men are protectors and if he feels that his child is in danger, he will protect regardless of the agreement. I applaud your ability to hang in there with contact and support of the birthmother. Continued contact in an open adoption is ideal but sometimes our lives cannot be ideal. Sometimes we have to make tough choices. Maybe you and your husband can compromise. He should not be forced to contact someone he does not want to contact. Since you are honoring the agreement, maybe you can allow for these differences in your marriage to be "ok" for now. He may soften with time or maybe because he is an adoptee with some difficult experiences, he may never change his feelings. Either way, you can love each other and your daughter and have a healthy family. I think there is a mistaken assumption that couples have to "agree" on every issue. Currently, there are people in my husband's family I do not have contact with that he does. We had to make compromises in order to keep our marriage and family in tact. IMO, the most important thing is for your daughter's mom and dad to thrive and keep a happy roof over her head. I am fully in agreement with honoring the letters and phone calls you already agreed to but if you are the only one that can do that at this time, that is a better option than trying to "convince" your husband of something he does not feel in his heart right now. You sound like you are a person of integrity and already knew what to do and are doing it. Your child will love you even more for it!

Julie please look into the benefits of contact, it is a loving, selfless act that your child will benefit from. Please give this much thought before you agree to do something that in your heart feels wrong. I have been on the receiving end of this and it is horrible! The answer to this is always the same "it is not in the best interest of the child" or "I don't want to confuse them". I think a lot of the time it is more about the insecurity of the aparent. What will you do if your child contacts her birth family later in life and finds that her bfamily wanted to send letter, pictures, etc and didn't only because you asked them not to. Who will she resent? There is a great book, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. It is the voices of adopted children. I have been on both sides of this. I am also a aparent.

Julie please look into the benefits of contact, it is a loving, selfless act that your child will benefit from. Please give this much thought before you agree to do something that in your heart feels wrong. I have been on the receiving end of this and it is horrible! The answer to this is always the same "it is not in the best interest of the child" or "I don't want to confuse them". I think a lot of the time it is more about the insecurity of the aparent. What will you do if your child contacts her birth family later in life and finds that her bfamily wanted to send letter, pictures, etc and didn't only because you asked them not to. Who will she resent? There is a great book, "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" by Sherrie Eldridge. It is the voices of adopted children. I have been on both sides of this. I am also a aparent.

julie- trust yourself on this one. you know what will be best for your child. don't obsess over the 'grave permanent danger' you will be causing your child if you choose to sever contact with the birthfamily. If you have a good reason for doing it, then go with your heart. Not every adoptee grows up to long for a relationship with their birthfamily. good luck to you and your husband.

I broke down and called my daughtert's bmom a few days ago. She seemed kinda distant. I asked her if she received the video tape and pictures of the baby. She said yes, and that she liked them. I made a comment like "isn't she beautiful?". She didn't answer..ok...hmmmm... Then she said that the baby had changed so much it was hard to tell who she looks like. She wasn't even sure if the baby had blue eyes. That was a weird/silly comment. Well- DUH! Of course she does! I asked how the rest of the family was..how were the kids, etc, etc..everybody is fine.....I wished her a happy new year. She wished the same for me. The conversation kinda stalled. She became preoccupied with a conversation with her brother. So I said I would let her go- take care and we'll speak soon. I think will let her contact me next. Maybe she needs space at this time.

I remember so clearly those first five years! It seemed my son changed in every packet of pictures... sometimes to the point that I really didn't recognise him. He had one cousin the same age and they looked so much a like as infants and toddlers! I often felt at loss in conversations. (Shocking and hard to believe, I know.) I was afraid I would break down, or say something stupid because I knew so little about babies and children. I thought he was the most handsome boy in the world, but I could not make myself say much. It is so hard to have given birth and know so little about our children and what mkes them tick. As parents we take our knowledge of the minutia for granted. As birthparents there is so much we do not know.

The b-mom's reluctance to continue the conversation, while that may have felt like she was not interested, makes perfect sense to me. Kind of hard to be excited seeing her child..well, hers first...growing without her. I don't doubt for a moment that she's pleased the child is doing well...but it's like watching an event that you were supposed to be at, be in, one of the starring roles even..and your understudy got to take over on opening day...While she's happy, it's bittersweet. And no, I am not implying that your role as mom is secondary to hers...she did have it first. I hope I was clear...I imagine her heart is breaking and rather than immerse herself in that, it seems like the wiser thing to do is to walk back, step back out of the lights and maybe behind the curtains. It doesn't change or diminish her love for the role that she almost got to star in...Her reality has changed.

mom2justynsarah, You are doing just fine. Your job is the day to day stuff and your child is the number one priority. She has a different life. She is glad to know things are going well. Now she needs to do other things as well. We have contact with our son's birthfamilies about 4 times a year. It took them almost 10 years and having a family themselves to be comfortable with having contact at all. Birthparents have a whole set of emotions that adoptive parents most likely have no clue about, so I have found that the best path is unconditional acceptance and compassion. Good luck and good job!

I agree with you completely on this Marimari! While I am sure that she didn't mean it in a negative way at all, when I read that I thought of it sorta like look at this beautiful child that I am raising, and you're not. And I can imagine it might leave me speechless too (also rare for me.) I might want to burst into tears at that comment. Seems to me that mothers pulling away in open adoptions is mainly caused by the pain that having the issue constantly in their face must cause. Some need to disconnect to survive. Or think that they do. I think if more birth moms in open adoptions had good counseling that they would be more able to maintain the contact. So, to ever assume that pulling away or ceasing contact means that the birth mother no longer loves the child is probably a very faulty assumption. Not that anyone necessarily said that was the case here, but, I am just mentioning this as I think that it is an important point to be aware of.

You keep saying "It's my choice what I choose to share and when I choose to share it with my child." Technically, of course, you're right. You have the information and she doesn't, so you get to choose when to share it. But morally and ethically the information about her birth mother belongs to your daughter. It is *her* family and *her* relationship to them. She's certainly old enough to understand that (gasp) people can put on weight. I do not think this is likely to bring on an eating disorder in an otherwise mentally stable young woman. I think that when she finds out you've been withholding information, she is going to be royally pissed off. I think this may drive a huge wedge between the two of you. How can she ever trust you again if she can't count on you to share what you know on such important topics? Please, don't do this to your daughter. She needs to know she can rely on your honesty.

If your logic holds...technically, any and all information about my DH's life and mine belongs to our bio kids? If we don't tell them everything about our lives, our pasts, we are withholding information and they won't trust us to be honest about important things? There may come a time (have been times) we will (have) share(d) specifics with our kids about difficult times or struggles. We choose when this feels appropriate. And regardless of all the other info and talks I've had with my 15yr old, how much honesty I exhibit in my character...if I "withhold" a photo that a friend stumbled upon and sent to me, my daughter is going to by really angry at me, not trust me? I respectfully disagree. She knows me better than that and will certainly understand when I DO show her this photo and when I DO explain why I waited to show her. I don't anticipate a huge rift in our otherwise good relationship over one photo...when I have honestly shared other things about her adoption history. Did I mention that I don't feel comfortable showing her the photo because it also includes her birth mom's new husband? Probably not, because we got hung up on the extreme (and I did mention earlier that it is extreme) weight gain issue. I do not believe this is information she is entitled to at this point in her life, since I was not asked to show it to her by her birth mom.

Brink: This is YOUR child and you know her best-go with that. After all, YOU are her mother.

You know, I keep coming back to this thread when I get the notifiction email, and I just shouldn't. It's really alarming in some ways. So, even though Brink is the 15 year old's mother, a lot of people who don't even know her think they know better than her what is right for her daughter. Wow. Seriously, that's...well...disturbing, I guess. So just to follow down this path for a moment, DH and I have a beautiful 7 month old daughter we adopted. You know what? We haven't shown her a picture of her birth mother even though we have one. Are you also prepared to tell me that my DD will hate me for lying to her when she grows up because I didn't introduce her to something I think she isn't ready for yet?

JPDakota...You are right..it is the parent's responsibility to share what they feel is age appropriate with their child. Obviously at seven months your child may enjoy pictures, but doesn't have the verbal skills yet to state how she feels or to ask questions about what she is seeing. I think the main point was that people do gain and lose weight...concern was about seeing a larger woman in the picture having an impact on the daughter's self-image and possible weight issues down the road. I think Brink's points that the picture was given to her by someone else rather than the b-mom and shows the husband as well are very important reasons as they are...that was not sent by the b-mom...if and when she wants "out there" for the daughter, she'll send it. I respect Brink having the sensitivity in not showing what was not given to her with that intention by the b-mom. As an aside, in reading the written word, there is the draw back of not seeing the face speaking the words nor hearing the intonation, the words receiving emphasis, etc..so we are left with our own biases only to lead us. I personally feel that 99% of what I read on these forums is done with a very caring attitude. We won't always agree with each poster...that's OK..we all have our own sense of self that we bring with us as we read and interpret. I would hope that everyone tries to keep an open mind...each person here does have something to offer, many are looking for suggestions, and sometimes we are narrow in our visions and it doesn't hurt to have something pointed out to us and at least think about the possibilities of other ways of thinking. We don't have to change our perceptions, but I'd hope, too, that none of us is so stuck in our own opinionated ways that we aren't at least open and aware enough to know that there are many shades in between black and white. We can agree to disagree for sure...and know that for the other person their reality is as unique as they are. That's OK!!!

:grr: I'm completely good with other people having other opinions. But Brink has been shown a huge amount of disrespect over this issue. Now, I don't know Brink, but she is obviously tired of being repeatedly accused of everything from negligence to flat out lying. My fairness meter is going off. Ouch!