MS Jackie, I am planning on Foster/Adopt Teen boys

You are already on the right track, by being willing to talk to a former foster child. The best advice I can give you is to talk to/listen to the boys you take in. Once they find they can trust you, you might be surprised what you can find out simply by being a good listener. Ask the kids what they want out of life and try to help them get there. Even if they say, "I want to be a firefighter/astronaut", help them break down the steps of what it takes to do that and help them take the first tiny baby steps. If he changes his mind, he still may have learned something about setting goals, which is an area a lot of foster kids have trouble with. Be an advocate for his independence. Teach him the skills he will someday need to live on his own. If you are not sure which skills he has or lacks, go to [url]www.caseylifeskills.org[/url] and have him take an assessment. That site also has the life skills guidebook, to help you come up with ways to teach life skills he needs to work on. The bad news is - as you seem to already know - some kids exhibit some trying behaviors in order to find out if they can trust you. My advice, should this happen, is to be loving and accepting, but also clear as to where you draw the boundaries. Following through is KEY with foster kids. They need to see that you stick to what you say you will do, even if that is not something they particularly enjoy, like a consequence of a behavior. They need to see you are what you say you are. Do not assume every kid is a trouble maker. A lot of kids react to the way they are treated. If you tell them that you trust them and show them you trust them, many kids will be more responsible and trustworthy. I have heard of teens entering placements where they were treated like felons and as a direct result, acted like it. Before the kids get there - try to get a preplacement visit, or several of them. This is not always possible, but it can be a good way to determine if a kid is a good fit for your family and it can put the child's mind at ease to meet you before move-in day. You must also remember - your ultimate responsibility is to the safety and well-being of yourself. If you get too warn down by a particularly placement and decide to quit doing foster care altogether, your ability to possibly help dozens of other kids has been lost. Know when to hang in there with a kid and when it is time to let go.

Thank you Ms Jackie, when I read your earlier post I knew right then you were the one I needed to talk too. I believe that communication in any type of relationship is essential to that relationship developing to the fullest. [Other facets apply as well but communication is at the top of the list]. My plans are [since I am not sure what age I will get] will do a basic room, white walls and a cool plasma light [like the old strobe lights they now sell at wal-marts] plus a nice car clock and a wild looking floor lamp to start with [including bed, dresser and closet] and when I find the one who fits in, let him redecorate his own room [paint and all] so he can feel like he is more involved with important descion [sp] making ideas. Maybe buy a WELCOME sign form the $ store and hang it up before his arrival. Just sit back, help him unpack order in a Pizza and watch a movie and just hang out and talk the 1st day. I am going on and on, thanks for the imput and I hope to see more posts by you. I appreciate what you have helped me with and my possible future son[s]. Blessings Ms Jackie.

You sound very excited about this and that is awesome! Yes, letting the kid do his own room is a great idea, that was one of the things my husband and I have talked about when we get licensed as well. Very few kids ever get to do that, but for those who do, it can have a very settling effect. The first day at each placement is something I still remember as an adult. Having pizza, a welcome sign and my own space would have been a great way to start out at a new home. I would also suggest going over your most important rules some time that day. It does not have to be the whole list, but the things that you value most highly. Also, forgot to mention this before, but a teen already has a number of years and contacts behind them. If he talks a lot about a particular person who sounds like they were a healthy influence or asks to have contact with someone who is safe from his past (teacher, past foster parent, friend, mentor, etc.) , it can be really great if you help him maintain or reestablish contact with that person. I think a lot of the reason I left the system so intact was that I am still able to talk to a lot of adults from my past and utilize them as resources. For example, when I got married this summer, my social worker, the transition planning specialist who helped me age out, two sets of foster parents, two foster sisters, the extended family of one of my foster families and one of my high school teachers were all still close enough to me to invite. This is very rare for foster kids, as many become very adept at burning bridges and have trouble maintaining relationships like this. Helping him keep those ties now will teach him how to do it on his own when he is an adult. I am very happy to hear you write about your hopes as a foster parent. I think you will be very good at this job. You sound like a very nice, loving person. I only pray that you have the thick skin it sometimes takes to handle these kids in addition to all of your other attributes. If he does something that might hurt your feelings, try to not take it personally. That is a big mistake a lot of new foster parents make. God bless you for opening your home and heart. The kids who enter your home will be lucky to have you.