Our matched failed yesterday. Luckily for us we were not close to a due date and had only been matched about a month. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, but I'm pretty lucky considering we weren't out lots of money and emotions betweeen June and December.
So I want to hear all the good reasons that this is a good thing. Please tell me your failed matches that turned into happy endings with the baby "you were supposed to have". Right now, the thought that we are one step closer to the baby meant for us is what is keeping me from crying all day long!
((((HUGS))))! I'm sorry you had to receive so much bad news in one day. I've been lurking on the long match thread because we had a long match that failed.
In late September 2004, we were match with a pbmom who was due February 22nd. She didn't want to talk or meet until placement, but she had placed once before so we felt fairly comfortable with the match. She also needed living expenses and we didn't mind helping someone in need. She didn't have her own phone so the SW left messages with a neighbor and she called her back. The last conversation the SW had with her was in early December. When the SW called in January, it wasn't returned. In the pbmom's first placement, she had disappeared the month before birth and then called when the baby was born, so we decided to hang in there. The Drs office said she stopped going to appts, but at the last one had stated she was placing the baby for adoption and had chosen the family. So we bought boy clothes, researched hotels and waited.
On February 23rd, the SW tried calling the Drs office to see if they had ever heard back from her. All of a sudden they were saying that they couldn't release any information without the patients permission. We decided that she'd given birth and pulled the agency release. Whether she placed with someone else or is raising the baby we'll never know. We were out some living expenses, but thankfully not all, because the agency released the money on a monthly basis.
On March 24th, we were on the way to dinner with my MIL (who was up from FL because her brother had just died) when my cell phone rang. It was the agency calling to say that we'd been chosen by a pbmom who was due March 30th with a boy! Unlike the previous match, this pbmom didn't smoke or drink at all. So we immediately agreed to the match.
Christopher Samuel (Samuel was the name she chose) was born on April 7th and released from the hospital to us on April 8th. We met with his bmom and bgrandad twice while we were in NH and still keep in touch. They are very similar to us in both values and looks, and we know this is the baby that was meant to be with us. If we hadn't been stuck in the long match, we wouldn't have been in the right place when he was born.
I hope my story has helped you a little.
God Bless!
Dale, thanks for the story. I followed your ICPC journey and thought you were a "stud" for your long wait in a hotel. Both your two miracles are beautiful!
Wanted to say how sorry I am that this story to tell, although we had 2 failed matches that were for the best in our opinion. Hang in there, it'll happen.
And what cuties you guys have posted! Absolutely adorable! :D
Although I'm not waiting (I have 8 kiddos), I want to tell you that your attitude since your placement fell through has shown what you are truly made of. Sure you're sad and disappointed, but you're not being mean and ugly. You have a positive outlook on the whole situation and for that, I give you a ****standing ovation****!!!
Hang in there. Sending hugs and prayers your way from Tennessee.
Deanna, I am so sorry about your match! It just sucks. For us, a failed match was valuable, though I did not know it at the time. It was an opportunity for me to take personal inventory and to experience a lot of spiritual growth. We experienced two failed matches with two women whom we traveled far to meet, spent time with, maintained regular communication long distance and whom we respected and adored. Neither of those "matches" resulted in our becoming parents.
I do not think any baby was "meant" to be with us, rather I believe strongly that our actions, choices and the paths we choose enable us to find the baby that consumes our hearts. The same night of our second failed match, we received a call. Our daughter was born 2000 miles away and her birthmother had made an adoption plan post birth. We had zero information about her other than her weight and time of birth; we got on a plane within 8 hours. It is the first of the two greatest moments of my life.
You will open your heart fully again, build relationships, feel confident and take that leap of faith without knowing what the end result will be, because that is what the human spirit does, over and over again. Each time will be a new experience that could make you a parent; there is no predicting the outcome. Just try to take it in and know that in the end these experiences will make you a better parent. Take care of yourself. Remember that you are strong and if you stay committed, whether it is six months or six days, you will be a mother.
I kept a journal of our journey; it was quite cathartic for me.
So sorry that your match failed. My story is not quite the same but I'll tell it in case it helps. I signed on for older child adoption with the state. Since there are so many children waiting and I was very open, I expected a quick match and got everything ready. I waited and waited and waited. After about a year I started to get more proactive and was told about several children that my case worker was trying to match me with ...none of which came through. Each time I tried to stay optimistic and positive but it was harder and harder. To make a long story short, I eventually decided that I would adopt an infant after being told that they only had babies available (yes that is what was told the reason was for my long wait!!!) and the week that I was to switch programs I got the call to pick up my one month old healthy baby...
She was so obviously meant to be my child and I am such a better mother for having had to wait those long eighteen months to meet her. I wanted her so much by that point that it was incredibly easy to change my priorities to make her number one and to devote myself to her. I don't think I would have made the transition to motherhood as well without the bumpy road.
So I feel blessed and know that the outcome was absolutely the right one...although it was painful and I most certainly didn't understand it at the time!
Hoping you meet your baby soon and knowing it will be so worth it when you do...
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know firsthand that even though it probably could have been worse emotionally, it still hurts. Believe me when I say that your baby will come and the pain you feel now will fade to be a distant memory.
We were matched with a pbmom shortly after completing our homestudy. She wanted a closed adoption, which we accepted, and was due in a couple of weeks. I had a feeling it wouldn't work, a gut reaction to some "red flags" that everyone else seemed to push aside, but there's always that hope. Anyway, as the days dragged on, I started to get more and more curious about the pbmom - what did she look like? Does she want to know more abut us? Etc... I wrote her a letter, as I felt that there were things I needed to say to her and needed for her to know. Shortly after the due date, our SW called and said that while reading the letter, she broke down crying and said that she decided to parent. While we were of course disappointed, we also could completely understand her decision. We also learned from it how much we really wanted an open adoption (we fgured that if we had so many questions, so would our child).
Fast-forward about 2 months. We get a call on a Tuesday saying that a pbmom looking at profiles couldn't make a decision, so all profiles were being "released". In the next breath, our SW says,"But there's another situation..." and tells us about it. Sounded good, so we called the next day to be put into consideration. I get a message on Thursday to call our SW. I was sure that if the pbmom had chosen this quickly, it wasn't us chosen (little bit pessimistic, huh?) When we finally talk, our SW tells us that we were chosen! Over the next 6 weeks, we meet "T" and learn about her, her family, her love for her baby and she gets to know us as well. I never thought we'd have one of those amazing open adoptions that you hear about and hope for, but we do. We get along great with "T", like an old friend (we can talk for hours on the phone), and she has found happiness in her life (we're invited to the wedding :)).
I know it sounds cliche, but when it happens, it will be the right baby for you. It's hard to keep putting your heart and hopes out there, but you won't regret it when your child is placed in your arms.
I need to hear these happy endings too. I just got a call from our prospective birthmom's social worker; she has decided to parent the twins. The social worker was pretty shocked; she had supposedly been pretty determined. But she was getting a lot of pressure from her mother, sister, and the baby's father, and she had stayed out of touch with the SW all this week, not returning her calls about doctor's appointments and so on.
Today SW got a letter from her, saying that she had been having nightmares and waking up in a cold sweat, and that she just couldn't do it, that we seemed like the perfect family but that she owed it to the father to give him a chance to have his kids. (I will not comment about my opinion on that, given his history with her.) The SW said she sounded like a totally different person in the letter than she's been over the past few months, when she's been very emotional about the decision but clear that it's the right thing.
We are heartbroken. We just have to pick up the pieces and start over, but it's so hard. This match felt so right. I keep telling myself, as the rest of your stories have shown, that maybe this means that something else is out there, a situation that's meant for us, but THIS one felt like it was meant for us, you know? All our plans...she was due in September and it was getting so close. I keep trying to find something about this that I can comfort myself with, but it's not easy.
So please--keep those stories coming. I desperately need to read them right now. Deanna, if you want to talk to someone who's as raw with loss as you are right now, let me know.
Oh Gina ((((((((BIG Hugs)))))))))! I'm so sorry for you. I know how it feels. Keep reading these stories. They helped me, the continue to. Once again, I'm sorry.
I am so so so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. Many ((((hugs))))! We parented our first baby boy for 5 wks before we had to return him to his bfamilies. I felt as if someone had driven a truck through my heart. I didn't know how I could try again, let alone get through my next breath. But I held on to this one fact... that the ONLY way I would never be a Mommy is if I gave up, so I knew that was never going to be an option. 3 & 1/2 mos later we brought home our forever son. Sometimes it feels like empty words to hear, "your baby will find you", but I truly believe it. More ((((hugs))))!
I look at my daughter every day and thank God that I had two failed matches otherwise we wouldn't have the beautifule, incredibly happy little girl to call our own.
When our first match failed, it was bad, but then we got matched again fairly quickly. Once the second match failed, I got deeply discouraged and wanted to quit. I quit reading the message boards, quit talking about adoption, quit looking at baby stuff and just worked really hard to close it out of my mind. And eventually(several months later), we go the call, the call that was meant for us and only us!
Yours will come and once it does, it'll be the greatest feeling in the world!!! My heart goes out to you and make sure to keep us updated!!
Hi Deanna,
I don't have a success story to share yet, but I wanted to offer my support. I am so sorry that this didn't work out for you.
We also had a failed match a couple of months ago. We had met the birthmom and seemed to really click, so it was heartbreaking when it didn't work out. You are stronger than I am, though, because I cried for two days! :)
Anyway, keep up the positive thoughts! Your outlook and attitude are contagious, and I have no doubt you will be a mom someday soon.
Take care,
Our failed match was one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever been through. We had been matched for 6 months. In those 6 months we had visited with pbirthmom, spoke endlessly on the phone, and gave financial support. After meeting pmom in person, I think in my heart I had some concerns, but I was already committed to this baby boy in my heart. We have always wanted a daughter, (we already have an adopted son), so we reasoned with ourselves how great it would be for our son to have a brother, etc. We prepared our son for the arrived of his brother, and the day she gave birth she cut off all contact with us. We were devastated. We didn't even know if the baby was healthy, or anything else. I felt like I had a stillborn birth. The worst of it was trying to explain to my 2 3/4 year old son where his brother was. I was ready to give up. We had a beautiful son, and I could be happy with that.
My husband wasn't ready to give up. He said keep our profile out there and let's see what happens. I half heartedly agreed, but set a limit of my next birthday as my cut off date.
Three months later my phone rang. It was a pbmother "W" who had read our profile. We talked for a little while. We just clicked. She said she had several profiles to review, and would get back to us. She called us the next morning and said she didn't even look at anyone else, we were the ones. I knew at that moment "W" was having a girl. She didn't know yet, but in my heart I knew. I also knew this adoption was going to work out. Well in November (5 months before my birthday) and the same week a year earlier we had been matched with the baby boy, our daughter was born. She is healthy, beautiful and everything we ever wanted.
Hang in there, I was so discouraged. And now I have the perfect family. I know I had to go through the loss of the failed match in order to have the joy of my daughter. Best wishes in the future-
Here is our story....
I met a very troubled young lady who was incarcerated and pg (I work at a jail). She asked if dh and I would like to adopt the baby. We of course said yes. Since she was incarcerated DFS told us that they would have to take custody at birth and that if we wished to adopt him we would have to become licensed foster parents (a total lie, but we didn't know it at the time). So we embarked on our quest for licensure. We had 2 weeks left of training before we could be approved when he was born and given to what we were told was a "temporary" foster placement pending our approval. We showed up at the permancy meeting (at the request of DFS thinking we would be told the day we could bring him home) only to be told that the temporary family had requested to be considered as an adoptive placement, that they were not an adoption agency, and that with our jobs we should have no trouble finding another baby. There were also some very rude comments made about bmom in the meeting. I was offended and devastated as was bmom. I wanted to quit the classes and give up, but dh refused. He dragged me to the last couple of classes and we were approved as foster-adoptive parents.
Fast forward 2 years....
We still had no children and foster care had proven to be nothing but a heart ache. The telephone rang and my friend said "You are still wanting to adopt a baby, right?" and I said "OF COURSE!". That same young lady was pg and in trouble and had asked her to contact us. My son was born 2 months later and we brought him home at 2 days old.
Now, we had all but forgotten about our foster-adopt license. But in December of last year, our agency whom we had contracted to find us a sibling for N called and asked if we were still on the state list. I told her yes, but that we hadn't been active for several years. She said "I have a baby for you!!". Apparently, the selected family had to be state certified to be considered. So, if dh had not dragged me crying and complaining to those last 2 classes we would not have our daughter.
I know it is sometimes hard to keep going after a failed match, but believe me when things go right you wouldn't even think of trading that precious life for any other.
Sleepy-That made me get the chills, that is so wonderful. I have not been in your shoes yet, but thanks for sharing that! God Bless you and your family! WOW that is a great story and your DH was wonderful to make you go!
God Bless you and your two little ones,