whats going on

I know exactly how you feel. Our first foster child left when she was 6-1/2 months old. (we had her since she was 2-days old) That was the hardest thing we ever had to do. You see we can't have any children and we thought that this was it- our family. It took over 3 years to try again and in 2003 we got a 3 month little girl who was abused and she is now 2-1/2 years old. We are now waiting for the answer from the magistrate on whether or not she goes back to her mother of whom she does not even know. I don't know if we will do it again, but all we do now is have lots of prayers.

60 days ago I went through the same seperation with my little boy. see 2 posts on this site, they will help you. "is my 23 month old suffering b/c he misses me" and "update on my 23 month old visit" I got good advice from people on this site. The posts are a couple of months old so just scroll down to them and you will see them.

The advice I give you is from my attempts to find out about my babies mind-frame when he left us. There isn't much information out there, b/c we are trying to figure out what a toddler is going through emotionally and they cannot tell us. Here is what I have learned from various sources.It will seem preachy, but theres no other way to present it. Infants attach very fast when someone new starts to care for them. They are not as picky as adults. They grow very attached to us, but adapt very well as long as they are being cared for. We overthink their ability to mourn. We see them as mourning as we are. Infants cannot reason, conjure up, think, assimilate, focus and remember as we do. They learn this as they grow and experience new things. The concept of time, past, present and future is yet to be learned. example- Even now, at 38 years old, some 2 months removed from my precious boy, I am having trouble remembering his features. I have to look at pictures. If I have to do that, then I rest assured my infant has forgotten me and is not mourning as I am. (I dont like being forgotten, but if he is ok, I pray I am forgotten.) I know sounds, smells and such he recalls but he cannot connect them as I can to our memories. I visited my infant 21 days after he went back to his parents. We spent the whole day together. When he saw me, he remembered me and my wife. The next day I called his parents and could hear him playing in the background. I asked were there any effects from the visit, anger, crying, etcc. they said it was like any other day. (thank God!) I know he was sad, and did miss us in the beginnig, but thank God infants can't remember as well as adults! (I am not glossing over their pain, when I would drop of my baby for a visit he would clutch me like grim death, but I would call 10 minutes later and he was ok, watching blues clues.)I hope that helps. there is not much info out there, I wish there was. These are things I have found out and experienced. Your pain is real, your seperation is like that of a death. People will minimize it, tell you you got to attached, blame you for it, guilt you about it, etc. but the truth of the matter is, you got a gift from God who needed to be placed with you for a while. The Gift I have found out, was and is worth the pain. When you are ready, You will be called on again. it may not seem like it, but if you can survive this blow, you can help another child.