not sure where to post... really need advise

Look, you were surprised and reacted. You did pretty good, considering I think good moms do what we're doing - go over what we said and try to process everything that happened I don't think any one word or sentence will destroy your relationship. He came to you - that shows trust I hear you have LGBT people in your life. That's going to be super important moving forward. A kid need to see him/herself reflected in adults. I didn't know a single queer person going up. I felt so isolated.. like, i was the only one like me in the world :P you've had some good advice from others here. PFLAG is awesome. And, yep... most of us knew we weren't str8 by the time we were 14 I will say... as someone whose done a bunch of work with queer youth, things have changed since we (or at least i) was a kid. They don't "chose a team" and let that define their life GSAs (gay straight alliances) allow kids to have a community/support system without having to chose a specific label many kids will refer to their sexuality as fluid or queer. this (lack of) label allows them to find their way in the world. Maybe he's bi.. Maybe gay. maybe you just raised great open kid, who is hoping to find his true sexuality himself instead of settling for the norm.. just because it is all you can do is love and support him i doubt he did it just to get a rise out of you.if he's anything like me, he had practiced that speech a hundred times before he blurted it out best of luck to you

this is my second time to try and post this, my computer keeps "logging off." Last summer, just before school started, he told me he thought he was wired wrong. I asked him why he felt this way. His response was that he seemed to like mostly "girl" stuff. What he's referring to is that he's into art, and sketching (aname characters, both genders - and he's really good), picking and smelling flowers, liking all the colors and vibrancy around him, singing and dancing. I proceeded to tell him there was nothing, NOTHING wrong with him. What's wrong with liking to sing, or dance, or anything else on his list? Most of the people we know, both male and female, like these same things. I don't know if this is relevant, but I have raised him almost by myself. He has an absentee father. Not his fathers fault, his work schedule is late second/swing shift. He's been unable to switch to first. He has tried. But we'd lose a lot of income anyway. So, the two only interact on weekends or during the summer. It's always been this way. Needless to say, the two aren't close. I tried to expose him to as much as I could. Yes, singing and dancing are fav's. But we used to walk a lot and since I have an Environmental Degree - I'd go off talking about the different tree species and diversity the environment and flowers (etc) and aren't the colors so pretty? I also liked sports. We tried a few sports with him when he was 7-8. He doesn't like competing. He doesn't like sports. So, no sports... not even the "camps." Fine, again nothing wrong with that or him. What happened to cause his little out burst disclosure : He wanted to join the Dance Team at his High School (he's a freshman). My first thought - Wonderful! Something semi athletic, good exercise, boys and girls dancing. Boy was I wrong. I spoke to the sponsor. Getting general info, cost and such. Only to find out that my son was the ONLY boy interested. Uh, come again? Boys can try out, but usually don't apparently. My parental warning bells went off. I'm hearing teasing and hackling. I looked at the pictures of the previous teams and even a few on line. No boys was the first thing I noted. And the uniforms... Have y'all seen them? The shorts on only slightly longer by like half an inch then bootie shorts and skin tight tops. These folks look like cheer leaders without the skirts and pom pom's. So, the Dance team was a "no." I explained dancing is fine, but not that kind. Honestly I was thinking of a cross between dancing with the stars and line dancing. BOTH boys and girls having fun. I explained my reasoning and did use the wording, "you may be teased and called a homosexual" and said that the school Dance Team was a "no." He got mad and then made his comment about "what's it matter, I'm a homosexual anyway." He's very a very sensitive child (which he also brought up as a reason he's prob homosexual). He's always been very sensitive. That's why I didn't want him teased. I really don't think he'd be able to deal with it. And I worry what it would do to him. Other than the 2 minute discussion mentioned above, in a car, driving home. He refuses to discuss it. I thought once someone "came out" they were relieved and .... wanted (?) to talk about it. At least to say how relieved they were that they told someone (he's not told his father and I'll keep that confidence as his father is very homo phobic). Is it normal to just suddenly clam up like that? I only wanted to discuss it to the point that I don't know how to discuss it.... I'd like to be supportive (if it's true) but don't know how.... He'd need to help... this is totally new water for me and I'm clueless. But he refuses to discuss it. Just his little disclosure and then NOTHING. Just my comments made to him. That was it. Is that normal? I just don't know HOW to talk about it. Certainly not around his father. I don't want to step on any toes. I don't want to hit any hidden land minds which are probably all over the place as this is totally new. I certainly never expected to have to deal with this particular subject. I spoke to our caseworker, he came by yesterday. In addition to being our case worker, he's also a child psychologist. He's known us and our son for almost 5 years. He said not to jump the gun, not to "worry." It may or may not be accurate. Our son's only just been put into public school around boys and girls after 3 years of home study. He's just learning about "sexuality." He's curious. He may be confused, he may not. Just give it and him time. It could be that our son was just throwing "homosexual" back at me as it was a poor choice on my part using it as an example for the teasing / heckling. But it may not be. He said I reacted very well considering.... lol

For a teen to say something and then clam up...yes, I wouldn't be suprised. This is big for him and you, whether he is certain or not. Honestly, the ONLY thing you can say that will make any difference to him right now is that you love him no matter what. Beyond that...I would try to read books, find support of other parents (check out pflag) and process YOUR issues right now, not his. His issues are not yours to process on your timeline...you can only deal with yours and be available for him. When he's ready to talk to you more...if he knows you love him unconditionally...he will come to you in his time. Don't push him to talk, just let him know you love him & be there to listen when he needs. And, instead of telling him he can't do something he wants to do for fear of being teased, maybe you can try to work with him on being comfortable with who he is and how he can respond to others who might tease him. Also...sexual orientation has nothing to do with an absent father/overbearing mother...it is innate. Part of who we are. And, if he is gay, knowing that his father is homophobic has probably not helped their relationship since whenever your son began to suspect his sexuality.

So, I'm responding both as an adolescent licensed therapist and as an adoptive mom..... From the therapist's perspective, this is *JUST TO KEEP IN THE BACK OF YOUR MIND*, studies show that if a teenager feels the need to experiment, he/she can do so and may engage in homosexual behavioral, heterosexual behavioral, or a combination between the two. An adolescent or young adult (up to age of 24) may "self-identify," but true orientation is not usually "set in stone" (never changed by the person) until late 20's, just due to the way brain development works. From the mama's perspective - cognitive explanations don't ever take away hurt feelings. The best thing you can do is love love love and support your child. Just as if he wants to date heterosexually, encourage safety and boundaries in relationships, and emotionally be there for him *just as you would always have*. Continue to be your mom, and vent any confusion you have on the forums or to your friends - not to him. Again - Love and Support - he is going through confusion and who knows what else from his peers - he only needs safety, love and support from you. Just some thoughts :)

I agree with others, just listen & freak out in private. I would also get him counseling, whether this is true or not he is obviously feeling a certain way. Also you mention him not having dated yet, I don't think straight people need to "date" to know they are straight, just like gay people don't need to date to know they are gay. They just KNOW.

I figure I'll just go on as before. Make sure he knows he's loved and an important part of our family. Make sure he knows he's valued, etc. I'm not going to "do" anything at this point. This revelation was during a somewhat heated argument.... Not screaming and yelling, but he was angry/upset at my decision regarding the dance team. Oh, he's checking out private voice lessons instead - wants to be a voice actor currently.... This is after a lawyer, a police man, a teacher, a chef, an artist, etc. lol He also expressed an interest in Tennis. Do they have tennis camps in the summer? I'll need to do research.... mamabec - that's pretty much what our case worker said, "don't worry about it right now." He also explained, as you seem to point out, that a persons "orientation" isn't necessarily carved in granite until mid to late 20's. As explained earlier I myself wasn't "certain" until my 20's. So we're just gonna take it day by day and enjoy each other's company, although his 15 year old's (in a few weeks) mouth sometimes makes that hard.... lol

prime40, I read the posts regarding your son, and I agree. I did have a couple of things to mention for your evaluation.It seems that the caseworker and your son have known each other for a long time, so there is some element of trust.I couldn't help but wonder if when your son feels frustrated, or there has been a disruption in his life, that perhaps it would be good if he talked with the therapist about his feelings - both at the moment, and in general.The 2nd aspect was that often in the cases where there is an alternative lifestyle, individuals are left to their own devices in terms of how to live. Within their head they may know that males are expected by society to be masculine and girls, feminine, etc.Sometimes what happens is that the individuals are not taught that in spite of the freedom they may have at home, there are still boundaries.Regardless of his sexual orientation, his life is not an open book and altho society may be very liberal, he will be expected to conform to boundaries of what is expected.I wish you the best.

prime40, I read the posts regarding your son, and I agree. I did have a couple of things to mention for your evaluation. It seems that the caseworker and your son have known each other for a long time, so there is some element of trust. I couldn't help but wonder if when your son feels frustrated, or there has been a disruption in his life, that perhaps it would be good if he talked with the therapist about his feelings - both at the moment, and in general. The 2nd aspect was that often in the cases where there is an alternative lifestyle, individuals are left to their own devices in terms of how to live. Within their head they may know that males are expected by society to be masculine and girls, feminine, etc. Sometimes what happens is that the individuals are not taught that in spite of the freedom they may have at home, there are still boundaries. Regardless of his sexual orientation, his life is not an open book and altho society may be very liberal, he will be expected to conform to boundaries of what is expected. I wish you the best.

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He is at a very confusing age right now . He's getting to feel emotions. That is scaring him. He understands guy's because he is a guy, But girls are different and act and think different. They don't think like a guy or even like doing a lot of the same things. Thats why he's not sure about girls. He most likely has some guy friends who are very sexually active , that are forcing their view on to him, through peer pressure . They are trying force him to decide , what way to go before he is ready to make that choice. Yes you did make the right choice, by what you said, to him. He also may of been testing you to see your reaction, like my son did with me at about that age. What I would suggest . Is have your husband and him go out for a day , and just the two of them have an open discussion, about what sex of either way can mean and the pit falls of either. It must be a none judgmental and open all guy talk no mom, the kind of talk he would not want to have with mom around. He has already had that kind with his friends. Now he needs dad to put every thing into perspective. He is confused and is not sure what to do at this point. You dont need his friends pushing him in the wrong direction, through peer pressure. As you said he has never dated. He may have tried sex with a girl and being he is still young things didn't work out right. Believe me he would not come running to mom about some thing like that it would be to embarrassing to him to talk about that to mom no matter how close you two are. You are a girl to him and wouldn't understand , a boy . Even though you do , but he dosen't know that. If you don't have a father in the picture find an uncle or a close friend who doesn't have their own agenda or preference. After all you don't want force your view on him, that will screw things up all together. You know as well as any one in this forum and I do. Both types of sexual preferences, hetro or homo. Comes with their own problems if they start at that age , good and bad alike. You may be the best parent and open minded one in the world, But chance are , the kids he sees in school or hangs with on the court shooting hoops or talking to don't have you as a parent. Boy's that age is beginning to notice their bodies and that part of them. I hate to say it but , their is more bad influences in a teen age boys life in this world today than 25 or 30 years ago. Some boy's start messing around at 12. Some children get expose to sex of the gay kind at 6 or 7. In their home by an uncle or dad or even their big brother. It was never brought out or stopped. So to them it is the norm , they don't think it is wrong to perform sex acts with uncle Jack or his big bro who is 15 who he had worshiped his whole life and he is 6 or 8 years old. He worships that family member and never says a thing so no CW came into the picture to save him. So he brings that into the world of your son. They hang and talk about that kind of thing as a norm in their life. Your son never been in that kind of life as a norm. Listens to his best bud talk openly about it like it's Okay. Your son has open talks about girls and sex all the time with friends his age, right now . He isn't going to come home and start that kind of conversation at your dinner table with Mom around. Some times he wouldn't even talk to dad about it, not in the open with you. To get those kind of talks started at home requires years of open talks with no judgement . To be quite frank . The average family keeps dinner talks simple . They don't discuss that kind of stuff in front of their children . Most parents think that their kids don't talk about thing like that with their friends , so If they dont mention it at home , they think their children don't on the street. Which is half the problem today. I raised 12 children non of my own. I had the shock of my life one time hearing my 7 year old talking to a friend about what a BJ was, in the school yard. His friend was talking like it was an OK thing. After I herd that, our talks at home had to be more involved, and open. No I don't maen total openess but open enough for my children to feel free to talk as freely with me as a friend. I couldn't be judgmental, if they brought a subject up that would scary mom in a mental break down . I'm not saying you live in an area where those thing are the norm. But I'm willing to bet dollars for donuts , your son has at least one friend at school who norm is not the norm of your house. 40 years ago the average family that you hung with had about the same norm as you. Maybe the punishment your friend got at home when they broke a rule was different. But all in all the kid down the street had the same basic life and talks at home as you. But not today, The dirt at home is the norm and the talks with their friends bring the dirt to the school yard or B-ball court. As the norm of every day life. I take my grand son to the park on weekends who is now 8 , The things those 8&9 year old's talk about as a norm would of got my mouth washed with soap and sent my mom to the hospital with a nerves breakdown.

You did the right thing, But you need to have his dad or another man go out in privet. So they can have an open discussion. About both life styles , and the draw back of what comes with either at his age. He came to you because, he isn't sure about what way to go. He most likely having peer pressure placed on him by friends who are now sexually active. Don't judge him either way, but you being his parent must make sure the choice he makes on his life style is his and not one that his friends pushed him into. The kids today are under a lot of peer pressure. From their friends to do things that they some times only do because a friend told them to do it. You said it your self he hasn't dated. So he isn't even sure yet what he is yet. He could be getting forced into some thing before he is ready. I think any one would agree that either lifestyle at 15 comes with consequences . That is the age they start experimenting .

Milo14 - pedophila by "Uncle Jack" is FAR from "sex of the gay kind". I find it very truly insulting and rather uneducated (especially if you are a foster parent) that you would equate the two. I sincerely doubt that Prime40's son is struggling with his sexuality due to a friend revealing he's been molested. And I would hope that EVERY parent would teach their children from a VERY young age that it's NOT ok to be touched by ANY adult in that manner. No child should EVER grow up thinking molestation is the "norm". I think taking it day by day and letting your son know he's loved no matter what is the only way to go. He will become who he is meant to become and will be much more open to sharing his journey with you if he knows you're there no matter what. Good luck to you.

Sex of the "gay kind"? Seriously? First all we've all taken the classes you took so we are well away of the training about the "uncle" or the big brother that molests his little brother blah blah. I don't know where you live to claim normal families don't talk about sex with their children. But, please do not think peer pressure is turning him gay. Honestly your wording comes across as ignorant on homosexuality & bordering on dangerous. He doesn't need peers to pressure him to being gay, he doesn't need experience sex of the "gay kind" to be gay & he doesn't need to "try sex with a girl" to know he's gay. He was born that way.

Mommytononehopefully1: I hope you're not addressing me (Prime40). I never said anything about "sex of the gay kind...". I have a fairly neutral reaction after having a bit of time. I have an uncle (R) that I love dearly, and he happens to be gay. Unfortunately he contracted HIV from his partner. I've told my son how much I love him and that he's very important to me and our family. His input and thoughts/comments are very important/valued by us. We try to have a "family night" once a month. I don't care about his orientation. As long as he's happy in his life and can find someone to love and to perhaps share his life with, then I'm content. Of course he could be an "old" confirmed bachelor with a dog and cat and I'd be content. It just doesn't really matter to me, so long as he is happy. I will love him forever and always regardless. He's my one and only, my special gift from Heaven and I will always treasure him. NOTHING will ever change that.

No I was addressing the person who said that.