Birthmother wouldn't talk about birth father - it ruined our reunion

I just wanted to address this again: If you actually READ other posts on this forum, you will see that there are MANY posts by adoptees who are hoping to make contact in the most respectful way. As I said in an earlier post - it took 48 hours to find my relatives and YEARS to decide to make contact because I was trying to sort out how to do it in the most GENTLE way. Many other adoptees on here will tell you that their bparents feelings were at the uppermost part of their minds. As I've also said before, it sounded like the OP on here had probably been in reunion for YEARS and was not getting answers. Very very few adoptees on here have just BLINDLY rushed into a reunion.

Also, I wanted to say that regardless of whether you want anything to do with the adoptee or not, it might be worth doing some research into birthmothers just so you can understand what your obviously much loved mother went through. There is often the assumption that if a birthmother never mentions the adopted out child to her family then that must mean she didn't care about the child but that isn't always the case. For example, from what I've read of the reviews of the movie Philomena, the title character never told her child about her firstborn but she obviously cared about him. Now I'm not saying that your mother did or didn't care - I am merely pointing out that the actual not telling anyone is not indicative either way of the degree of caring by the birthmother. One just has to read reunion stories to see that many mothers never told anyone but did think about their child.

I have read the posts. I agree, there are many who are considering the feelings of the birth family, and of course, my initial response was to a post that was suggesting a very different course. But I have to say that I think the notion that birth siblings are going to be pleased about finding out something like this are somewhat unrealistic. Frankly no-one who I've discussed my situation with views it as anything but a horrible and unwanted shock. My mother probably would have been pleased, at least at some level. But she had an emotional connection and probably a sense of responsibility. I have neither. I can imagine only too well what my Mum might have gone through. Funnily enough this is not helpful in making me feel better generally and certainly doesn't make me feel any better about the cause of her pain. If I had a time machine my first act would be to stop her getting pregnant. And yes, of course I know that she wouldn't have been the person she was without this experience, etc etc etc. But I would still have preferred her not to have had the pain in the first place. You said in an earlier post that you prefer to think that your birthmother wanted you, because that's easier on your feelings. So surely you can see that someone in my position would hope my mum felt exactly the opposite? There are many adoptees who feel no urge to contact their birth families or know anything about them. If that is accepted, then it's also OK for birth families to feel exactly the same.

Thank you for your reply, Mieke. It is just that when you said the bit about "blindly rushing in", it was so opposite to the experience of me and many other adoptees I know so I just wanted to let you know that many adoptees are considerate and I hope that my posts and links have reassured you in that regard. From the many online adoptees I know, their experiences have been quite varied. Quite a few have had siblings that were thrilled and others not so thrilled - one can never really know and it may depend on the individual personality of the siblings. I can understand that it would be a shock - I have tried to imagine what it would be like if I found out my amom had had a child before meeting dad and what my reaction would be. Being an adoptee myself, I would probably be as helpful as possible to the hypothetical child (even though I would of course not be biologically related) - I suppose it is a case of "do unto others as you would have them do to you", i.e. being an adoptee, I would be nice to the hypothetical adoptee because that is how I would like to be treated (I would probably do that even if I wasn't an adoptee). In my own personal case, I reunited with extended family (none who knew about me) and they welcomed me with open arms, however, perhaps them being "further" away in relationship to my bmom and also perhaps because of my birthmom dying years ago and having had no other children might have made a difference. My bmom's siblings loved their sister and thus I think they feel positively inclined towards me for that reason (and I have tried very hard to make sure that my presence in their life is not negative in any way). I do understand that they lived quite happily before meeting me and thus I don't want them to ever rue the day I came into their lives. Of course you are entitled to feel exactly as you do. All I ask though is that if you don't want anything to do with the adoptee anymore, then please at least be gentle in letting her down. I think she at least deserves that.

Mieke, my mother did tell her husband about me. She told him before they got married. But, to this day, they still haven't told my adult siblings about my existence. Of course, you know the personalities involved, and we don't. So, maybe you're right. Maybe your mother never told your father, but maybe she did. I think the vast majority of adoptees are aware that our biological families may not want to know us. In all fairness, people you know usually won't give their honest opinions to someone who is obviously upset about a situation. They are attempting to comfort you, and they don't want to further upset you. Moreover, people do tend to agree with the side of the story that they are hearing. If they heard the other side of the story, they may agree with your sister. If you don't want to get to know your sister, you don't have to get to know her. If you don't want a relationship with her, you don't have to have one. The vast majority of adoptees are very much aware that our families may not want to know us. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with your adopted-out sibling.

Very true.

Okay, no problem. But others need to know. They're asking questions and want answers. They want to know why so many reunions have failed and they don't have a problem facing up to the fact that they've been sold a bill of goods on the statistics of birth family reunion readiness. Don't we have solid examples of this right here on this thread? We need to dispel the Happily Ever After Reunion myth that's based on bogus stats about birthmothers wanting a reunion that have been used by those who seem desperate to get any kind of lukewarm open records bill passed in state legislatures, even if that bill includes disclosure vetoes, contact preference forms, etc.

First, the same could be said of any birthmother or adoptee who vents in public on the Internet, if you're automatically assuming s/he was "that direct." And that's a huge assumption! (I'm sure Sapphire didn't tell her birthmother that she was an immature woman with her own agenda.) We have no idea how this reunion played out. If this birthmom is hooked up with an adoptee who wants a no-regrets bmom then their reunion could be awesome. Second, this bmom and adoptee got D'Arcy. They simply disagreed with her. Disagreement doesn't mean lack of comprehension.

You will note that I myself used the word "If" myself which meant I wasn't making an automatic assumption although the rest of the sentence didn't quite come out right - if you read the subsequent post (which still didn't come out right), you will see that I tried to fix that sentence . What I did mean to say was: As for If the birthmom on that post and also the adoptee you quoted are mother and daughter, then I would say that they would have been very well suited.

[QUOTE=KathleenNY]Okay, no problem. But others need to know. They're asking questions and want answers. They want to know why so many reunions have failed: Personally, I would like to see studies on whether reunions do better in open records states/countries vs closed records/countries and, if there are issues, constructive conversation on how to improve things. In fact, in open records states, where the adoptee contacts the government to get their OBC, there is the opportunity for the government to provide information along with the OBC. I also suspect "they" (if it is adoptees one is referring to) would like to know how to maximise success in their reunions. Let's be honest also and admit that the very construct of the modern (post war) form of adoption was never designed for reunion to ever take place - the birthmother was expected to disappear and the adoptee was considered a blank slate. Reunions have to overcome the mixed messages imparted to both adoptees and bmothers and they don't have a problem facing up to the fact that they've been sold a bill of goods on the statistics of birth family reunion readiness. Let's face it, adoptees are used to being "sold a bill of goods", it happens to us all the time. However, most of us are sensible enough to accept all eventualities - as L4R said:

The vast majority of adoptees are very much aware that our families may not want to know us.

Many of us are in our 40s/50s now and thus are not stupid. We aren't children any more and are tired of being talked down to as if we are.

Don't we have solid examples of this right here on this thread? What, you think we've never heard of unwilling bfamily members? At the age that most of us have met, we are sensible enough to realise there are a variety of outcomes. We need to dispel the Happily Ever After Reunion myth that's based on bogus stats about birthmothers wanting a reunion that have been used by those who seem desperate to get any kind of lukewarm open records bill passed in state legislatures, even if that bill includes disclosure vetoes, contact preference forms, etc. You do like exaggerating things don't you. As I've already said twice on this very post, most adoptees are adults in our 40s/50s who understand that things can be complicated. I certainly never expected a "Happily Ever After Reunion" and I find it patronising when people exaggerate like that. We ain't idiots. who seem desperate to get any kind of lukewarm open records bill passed in state legislatures, even if that bill includes disclosure vetoes, contact preference forms, etc. When records are unsealed, things tend to just go on as usual. I speak from experience although I wish to say no more.

I think this thread has run its course, we've gone way off topic. In the end, each situation is different. We can only hope that things go well in reunion and try to do our best to maximise a good outcome. Being on this thread has made me realise how lucky I am to have a loving and caring bfamily. Anyway, evreybody, hope you all have a good life.

Mieke, Ive read your posts with empathy and agreement. You have my deepest sympathy in the loss of your beloved mother and for the emotional turmoil in the wake of being found by an unknown sibling. It can be a nightmarish experience for some birth families, especially when contact was made inconsiderately. And you are bearing the brunt of it. I hope you have a good support system around you! I also want to say, donҒt rush into anything. Resist pressure from others to act before you are ready and fully informed. Dont let anyone guilt-trip you into taking certain steps they think are right for you and your family. You may even want to request a DNA test before proceeding any further. Your father most likely does not know and, if thatҒs the case, you may feel youd be dishonoring your mother by revealing what she herself kept from him for so many years. However, you said her siblings know. Then they may know if she told your father. Don't you think they would know if he knows or not? Have you thought of asking them? I wish you all the best no matter what decision(s) you make. Kathleen

One of my mother's siblings knows because they were the first point of contact by the adoptee. The news was a complete shock as they had never heard anything about it. The other is going to be told about the contact next time they visit (so it can be done face to face), so we don't know yet if they knew anything prior to my mother's death. There is no-one else who could know if my mother ever told my father, so I have to play safe and assume she did not. I have thought about a DNA test, although the proof I have seen is pretty conclusive. I might still ask for one I have just heard that the other party has agreed not to contact my siblings directly, so that is a huge relief. She does want me to write a letter telling her something about my mother, which I will do. But when that's done, I can't really see any need for anything else. Family is the people you have grown up with and I don't want or need this long ago bit of my mother's past to become part of my present.

You couldn't be more wrong.

Perhaps I should have said "In my opinion, family is the people you have grown up with". Because it is, for me. I couldn't care less about DNA.