9 yr old making suicidal-ish comments

I would take it as more than being upset. Call the therapist ASAP.

I'm not a child psychologist but those sound like serious comments to me. The first thing I would do is not allow her to have e-mail contact directly with her father. My kids have a not-so-good relationship with their bio dad and I would never let them have unmonitored e-mail with him because he does stuff like you describe and it really confuses and upsets kids. Just my .02 Good Luck, Martha

To the phone to schedule an emergency therapy appointment ... and make sure you are there at the beginning of the session to report what has been said and thought. Kids these days have so many pressures and while hers may be more when they start discussing fears of this type or even rationalizing it in their minds the fantasy becomes too inviting. If you assume manipulation and it is more and she makes an attempt at any kind of violence (towards herself or others) how will you feel knowing you didn't react ... So react without causing fear in her but do react!

my husband and i have a reactive attachment child that went through much of the same incidents due to severe abuse>it sounds like that contact made old feelings appear> you and the therapist need to help the child process these feelings through a three part process: locate< validate and accept>>>this takes time>> it"s alot easier if the therapist uses play therapy> each child is different< but it worked great with our child> our child had so much unresolved anger that lead to rage and suicidal attempts on a day to day basis> it went from trying to jump out the bed room window< to cutting to trying to hang himself>>>>>it is really important that you call the therapist immediately> don"t wait>> as soon as an event happens call because otherwise your child is going to keep those feelings inside and later blow up> it will become the "snow ball effect>" we had asked our child daily how are you feeling and on a scale from one to ten how anger are you or how bad do you want to try to kill yourself>> this really helped him become tuned in to his feelings and get all that yuck out as quickly as possible> it depends on the depth of anger they have towards their bio> parent too> our son had so much and it seems like it is never enough< but just asking them daily has made a difference to show them that we support him< love him unconditionally< no matter what might come out of his mouth> there are no "accidents>" we teat everything seriously because it usually means they need to get something off their chest> sometimes it is very hard to bare so his therapist also had us come up with an angry time that our son could just go outside and punch on a punching bag> this helped greatly and he talks to the bag and is able to express himself aout past things or feelings> we love our punching bag area>>>>we have also showed him too that we as mom and dad have some bad days too and every now and then take a good hit at it> this is healthly to show them that events in our life may make us angry and we can show them a healthly choice of how to burn the anger or anxiety off without making those daily threats towards eac other or our lives> sometimes writing down feelingsd helps>>> you should keep everything documented that the child has said to ensure that the child shares the same story with the therapist>>>sometimes if they are not telling the same story then it can be considered a "lie" or trying to get positive or negative attention>>>>sometimes feelings of suicidal thoughts or anger covers other emotions up too> deciding the exact cause of the acting out is a great help>>> sometimes they honestly don"t know why they act that way and sometimes they do>>>i agree react without fear react with compassion and concern for the child"s life and their thoughts

My mother-in-law who has lost her husband and granddaughter to suicide says, "if they say they're going to do it, they will eventually find a way". She speaks from experience. Please PLEASE call someone for help. Praying for you guys...it's not fair that a 9 year old has to suffer in this way.

I'm so sorry your going through this (been through something similar with my daughter's father aka "bioschmuck.") Why does she have contact with her biological father at all? It seems their relationship is toxic and destructive. He's asking her to be secretive, and that's a sign of manipulation, control, and abuse. Please consider changing her e-mail, blocking his, and if possible, a restraining order. If this was happening in my home, I'd monitor all forms of media which allowed them any contact. Put a block on your phone, monitor all phone calls, etc. As the adoptive parent, your in no way obligated to allow contact between this man and your child. He has no legal right and is only using the child for his own sick ends. She has NO obligation to him. Perhaps it's time to stop looking back and move forward with the two of you, together. Sometimes contact with their bio family's isn't healthy, at all. Try to "eliminate the negative and accentuate the positive," by getting her involved with a "culture of life" meaning Girl Scouts, after school sports, friends, walks, and pointing out all the wonderful things she has to see. Lastly, I spoke to an EMT friend. The body's natural response to lack of oxygen is to fight back. It's very likely she'd pull the blanket from her head to get air. For instance, her son used to hold his breathe in a manipulation tactic. He once did so, and then passed out. Due to her medical training, she knew this would be the case. He did it once and threatened to do it again. She told him, go ahead, you'll only pass out again. He's never done it since. It would be difficult for nine-year-old to do. Much of this sounds for like a cry for help. She doesn't need this father in her life... she has you, her mommy.

I also agree in cutting off contact with the biodad. This contact doesn't appear to have any benefit for your daughter. Remove her email. He sounds like a controlling, manipulative man. She doesn't need anyone like that in her life. In fact, it sounds as if she is ask for your help in getting away from him. IMO a nine year old doesn't need email.

Change her emai address and call the therapist.

I set up different blocking controls now. I think there must have been a bug in the old AOL parental controls because her bdad's email address was supposed to have been blocked. Now I have it set up that only email addresses on a list that I created can be emailed from or to. I hope this works better or I will have to remove her account. I talked to the therapist. She said the two incidents were totally different, the blanket incident could be safely ignored (tho she said keep her under watch if she is saying things like that). Re the saying she wanted to kill herself when she was upset from being contacted by the bdad, the therapist said that I should make my fd promise that if ever the idea of killing herself should start to become a plan, that she will first tell some adults such as her teacher, me, her therapist, etc. Not other children because they wouldn't know what to do, I should make her promise to tell adults. She said older kids would make an actual contract with their therapist, but at my fd's age a "promise" is appropriate. I'm also supposed to tell my fd that she and I are a family now, and that when she is 18 then she can choose whether or not she wants to contact bparents. And the therapist does not think I should let her go visit the brelatives even though they promised that the bdad would not be around. She thinks either the bfamily should come to our city, or else I should go with my daughter to visit and not ever leave her unsupervised with them. It is awkward because the bfamily want to have her visit and I think in general they are okay. The bdad is all messed up but the rest of the family seem like perfectly normal people. I love many of the suggestions I've gotten here. I will try them starting today.

You say that her bfather contacting her is against the rules. Her calling him would be breaking the rules. WHose rules? Is this court appointed rules, your rule? If he is breaking something set by law, I would also be calling the authorities immediately to let them know contact was made and make copies of what has been sent. I am so sorry for the trouble you are having. Carolyn

They are court appointed rules apparently. She was not in placement with me at the time TPR occurred, but the caseworker said the court said no contact with either bparent until she is 18 yrs old. The caseworker has always acted like that is only most important while she is little and having to adjust to being part of a different family. The therapist thinks preventing contact for the full time (until she is 18) is important and that my daughter needs to understand that at 18 it is her choice including choosing not to be in contact with them. My fd worries that her bmom won't live that long (due to her lifestyle). She complains about not getting to see them and says she wants to have contact. But last year when she was placed with a relative and that relative arranged it, my fd promptly reported it to her caseworker. So she is very ambivalent and conflicted. Her parents are unbelievably annoying people, last year before TPR they had to assign two caseworkers to the case because it was too stressful for just one, ha! I did tell the caseworker of the bdad's contact and sent her the emails. She is going to handle it in some way.

We were told to be very cautious with relatives visiting. Even if they seem like okay people. Most likely, many if not all of them may have been considered for placement of this little one at some point before ending up with you. Obviously an "appropriate" relative was not found, therefore she came into the care of a foster parent. I have been manipulated by kiddos relatives. She are sly ones. Just remember, sometimes the apple does not fall far from the tree. No mean emails to me about this please. Yes, I know not all bio-relatives are bad, but you have to keep in mind, family placement considerations always come first. There is a reason why she is not with one of them. And you may never find out why. Just a reminder. Be really careful about who you trust, that's all. Just speaking from experience.