I'm scared!!

Jen ~ I wish I could give you certainty that you will find and be embraced by your Bmom, but that is impossible to do. There are so many different circumstances that lead up to the choice for a Bmom to relinquish...as many variables as there are players. Some Bmoms go through each day hoping their relinquished child will find/respond to them; others have built walls so thick and high that the mere thought of being found scares the heck out of them. Some have never told anyone about the adoption and gone on to build a new life...being "outed" can be perceived as a threat. The scenarios go on and on. Anytime we choose to search, we can hope that the contact will be welcomed, but there is the very real possibility that it may not. Just as you are an adoptee who is hungry for contact, my Bdaughter is the exact opposite. She is 34 and has no desire for contact on any level. Sure, it is disappointing, but I have to allow her the choice to say no. So often, TV and the media glamorize "adoption reunions" and make them seem like a shoe-in for the seeker. IMO, that accomplishes the end result of leading others to believe that there are open arms on the other end just waiting. Not always so. I hope your search is successful and you are able to establish contact. But just remember that it is a 50/50 chance to take. Best of luck to you! Please keep us posted on your progress and feel free to come here and "vent" during the times you are feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. It's an emotional roller-coaster...and there are always many fellow riders here to hold you up! (((HUGS))) ~Deb

Hey Jen, Im with Deb. There are so many different reactions out there you will never know until it happens. I gave my son up for adoption when I was 15, he is now just 20yrs old. I have been posting here for 6years and still nothing. He may not ever want anything to do with me, but I will still keep trying. I want him to know I am looking for him and love him. I hope one day we find each other, but I know that it will have to be his choice and whatever choice he makes I will respect that. I hope you keep on trying and dont give up. I hope your birth mother is as accepting as I am willing to be for my son. Good luck dear and have faith. Dawn

Thank you so much for your replies Deb and Dawn, they really helped. I will never give up hope and i will make sure to post a new thread if/when i find any of my birthfamily.

Jen ~ Do you know in what state the adoption took place? If so, there are registry boards where you can post your info in case your Bmom might be searching for you, as well. You only have to be 18 to do that, so you are of legal age. I'd be happy to post a link for you if you have the state. ~Deb I edited this to add good wishes to DawnRenee! :)

Hi, Jen! :D My buddy, Deb, mentioned that you might be able to use my help, as I am from Indiana (about 40 miles east of Indy), and have pretty much run thru the entire "Hoosier" system when it comes to the search and reunion journey. Once you turn 21, there are a lot of options for you as far as searching thru the state, or the agency, as you mentioned. For now, I would use this time to prepare (as if anyone could truly prepare for any of this :rolleyes: ) yourself for the journey ahead of you. My first, and best advice is to go into this with only one expectation -- the expectation that no matter the outcome, you will achieve personal growth. Any other expectation will lead you to disappointment. I've seen it time and time again, and it breaks my heart each and every time. So many people search for their birthmothers/birthfamilies with the hope of somehow "completing" themselves....or hoping to find something that will heal them.....or hoping to find this mysterious missing piece of themselves that will cure all ills in the world. In my humble opinion, this is the wrong way to approach this emotionally charged journey. Go into it with an open mind, knowing that on the other side, you will find personal growth, and you will be fine. My birthmother denied contact with me, so I know from first hand experience that this can and does happen. In my case, I was born and adopted in an entirely different era....things were very different in the 1960's. My birthmother never told anyone about her pregnancy and adoption experience. She has three adult children now -- all in their mid to late 30's who have no idea I exist. Her family dynamic is fragile, at best.....they've experienced a lot of poverty and abuse issues in their family, and she just feels that at this point, it wouldn't be best to bring all of this to light. In short, she doesn't feel her children would ever understand.....and she just can't emotionally face the past where this is concerned. Because you are so young, your birthmom may be far more enlightened.....better equipped to handle the journey.... Only time will tell..... I would be more than happy to help you in ANY way I can.....so please feel free to hollar at me any time!! We Hoosiers need to stick together! ;) Hugs, Sally

Jen, I tried to reply to your PM, but for some reason, the "system" kept dumping my reply, so I thought I would try here.....I hope you don't mind. Perhaps some of my points will be lost to other readers because they don't know what you said in your message, but I think you will understand...and that's what counts! ;) Here's my reply...... Hi, Jen! :D I didn't say that you shouldn't get your hopes up about contacting your birthfamily.....what I said was that you should carefully choose your expectations that surround connecting with them. ;) That's the key. ;) It all comes down to expectations. Even in the most successful of reunions, expectations can really get in the way of things, and muddy up the waters. You are young.....and realistically, that would also mean your birthmom is relatively young, as well -- 37 is young, to me, since I am 41. ;) You are both at very pivotal points in your lives.....in your 20's everything is about establishing yourself.....in your 30's, it's all about falling into a comfortable place in your world and making everything come together. In your 20's you are learning to play the game....in your 30's you're at the top of your game. There are a lot of pressures in the midst of both of those stations in life, as I am sure you are aware. You are in a place in life where you are trying to figure it all out.......and your birthmom is likely in a place where, just when she thinks she's got it all figured out, you enter the scene, and she will have to readjust everything she knows. It's not easy, under the best of circumstances -- not for either of you. That's where the "expectation" thing comes into play. If you go into this with the expectation that meeting/knowing your birthfamily will somehow be the magic cure-all that will allow you to move forward with your life, you need to take a step back and think about what kind of pressure that adds to your birthmom. Imagine how it would feel to her.....she's in her late 30's.....she's at the top of her game....she has established a life for herself and probably her family, as well.....she has a career....perhaps a spouse and children (who may or may not know of your existence)....she's a daughter, a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a co-worker. She has schedules to manage, obligations to fulfill, a life that she's worked hard for the last 20 years to cultivate and nurture. Yes, you are her birthdaughter.....but you haven't been a part of that life -- at least not outwardly. You never have. She may very well carry a part of you with her every single day....she may think about you, and wonder about you, and wish for your presence in her life.....but you have not physically been a part of her day to day life for over 20 years. One day, she gets that letter, or that call.....and while she may have been waiting for that moment for the last 20 years, when it actually happens, it's the most overwhelming experience she will ever have! You'll read a lot here at the forum describing reunion as an "emotional rollercoaster"....and it's every bit of that, and more. Initially, it can be the most intense and joy-filled experience you can imagine. You connect with this person that's been the focal point of a lifetime of searching....you get to experience that excitement of "discovery" (similar to that all-consuming time when you first start to fall in love with someone) when your entire existence is wrapped up in getting to know someone...all their little nuances. You see all the similarities.....you find all your "answers"....you become completely wrapped up in each other. It's an extreme high......but eventually, as all "highs" go, you eventually come down. You "plateau" and then you come to a place where you have to decide where you fit into each other's world. You each have a life outside this euphoric place....... It's hard for a birthmom to carry that extra pressure of feeling as if she has to be the "cure-all" for a child she hasn't known for 20 years. It's hard for a birthchild once the "honeymoon phase" passes to slip into a role of trying to find a place in her birthmom's "real life". I have several friends here at the forum who are birthmoms, who have recently reunited with birthdaughters who are your age. While it's been joyous for them, it's also a lot of pressure....A LOT of pressure. The world of a 20 year old is tumultuous. Integrating that into an established family -- as much as they want it -- is hard work....hard work on everyone's part. As an adoptee, you have to press yourself to look deeper than wanting to know who you look like...wanting to know where your quirky personality traits come from....wanting to know whose eyes you have, or where your mannerisms come from. You have to look beyond hearing the old family stories, finding your heritage, and knowing the circumstances surrounding your birth. As intense and powerful as the desires for these things are, once you have them -- once you have the things you are looking for -- you have to look at where you go after you have all these things. That's where the personal growth I was referring to comes into play. You have to bring yourself to a place in your head, emotionally, where you can look beyond the short term gain of a lifelong dream, and look to the future. Look to the reality of day to day life and see the path ahead. Ask yourself if you are in a place, in your own life, where you are willing to make the kind of committment....do the kind of emotional work....that is required to make a reunion successful. You can't look at things one-dimensionally......not only are you finding something you have been searching for for most of your cognitive life, you are also taking on the responsibility of being "all that" to someone else, as well -- and likely to more people than just your birthmom. Depending on your birthmom's life, you may become a sister to her other children....you become a granddaughter to two more sets of grandparents....you become a niece......a family member (with all the responsibilities that that entails) to these people. If you are lucky enough to connect with your birthfather, you will double that. Yet another set of "parents"....siblings....grandparents....aunts and uncles. Assuming you have some of these relationships in your life, already, you will now have three sets of parents, six sets of grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles.....all of whom you have responsibilities to -- emotional as well as physical. Entering into search and reunion is about SO MUCH MORE than just getting answers for yourself.....about SO MUCH MORE than surface self-discovery. Once you open that door and are invited in, you can't just do anything at a "surface level" anymore. People's emotions are at stake.....not just yours, but those of countless other people. You mentioned that you need this to "move on". You need to consider what that means to you, because your answer to that sets the entire tone of what comes next. You sound like a very mature, together young lady, but those of us who have been there know that your early 20's are a very self-absorbed time in your life....as they should be. You are out there in the world, discovering all that life has to hold -- and it holds SO MUCH MORE than just this. It may not seem like it, because the desire to locate your birthmom is enormous, and tends to over shadow everything right now......but once you have those basic answers that are driving you right now, everything else is on the other side. Something else will drive you....something else will become your "goal". Where does that leave everyone else on the other side of the door that you opened? These are folks that, until you knocked on that door, didn't have you in the direct day to day operation of their lives.....especially your birthmom. You knocked.....she let you in.....and now, you have an enormous emotional responsibility that you didn't have before. You don't just get your answers and move on.....at least not alone. You carry with you the emotions of everyone else on the other side. You can't just knock, enter, take what you want, and move on, alone, without hurting someone in the process. I am in no way trying to discourage you. To the contrary, I am trying to encourage you. Encourage you to think in more than just short term snippets of what you want and need based on something that's been driving you for most of your cognative life. It's hard to see right now, but "who you are" is SO MUCH more than where you "came from" and where you are going, when you move on, is SO MUCH more than just travelling alone once you make this move. These are the types of things you can be mulling over until you are 21 and can legally get your hands on your records in the state of Indiana. These are the types of things you can be preparing yourself to accept. I wish you all the best in everyway!!! Keep posting and reading and learning. Hugs, Sally PS......if you have names, information, etc, please post them and I will see if I can find anything for you. You mentioned that you tried some things you paid for....what were they? I have access to some paid databases that I can look at for you if you send me some information. ;)

Just curious, Jenn :D ......are your a-parents in the loop on all of this? Are they supportive of your search, or are they even aware? I remember being your age (well, a little younger), and not being able to WAIT to get out of the house so I could begin my search in ernest. My parents were NOT supportive in ANY way!! :( It was so liberating to be able to go to the library at college and get all the books I wanted on the subject of adoption, search and reunion!! If your parents are aware, and in the loop, have they given you all the paperwork they have surrounding your adoption? Is this something you could ask for? What information have they shared with you that could be used in your search? Let me know!! Hang in there! Hugs, Sally

Just bumping this for you so you can get some more opinions!! ;) Hugs, Sally

Just bumping again! ;) Hope you are well!! Hugs, Sally

I was just reading this post and I know it was made in nov 04, but I am curios what is your birthdate aprox. and do you know where u were born? state and thru what agency? Looks like I have a bdaughter about the same age so I wanted to "check and see" what yours is just in case...thanks and pm if you like...Jon.

If you never try you’ll never know! I hope you’re still searching!