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I have two fost/adopt boys that came to our home after 14 months in placement last week. A is almost 4 and B will be 3 in February. They are adjusting pretty well- the little guys is having a little bit of a harder time- cries when he goes for a nap and at night for bed but otherwise ok. The thing is that both of them tweak when asked to say they are sorry. Just this morning the older one bumped into me and my husband told him to say he was sorry and he froze and curled into a little ball. I assume that the word is a trigger word for something bad that happened- what I dont know is how to fix it. I keep re-enforcing that here no one gets hurt but is there anything else I can do? Any suggestions or previous experience with this would be helpful!
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Maybe having them say "excuse me" or "I apologize", "parden me", or "please forgive me" instead of "sorry"? Just an idea....I am a new foster parent. It may not have to do with saying "I'm sorry", it could just be the thought of getting in trouble and not knowing what will happen next for punishment. Maybe you could reinforce that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you "own" them by apologizing in some way and not doing it again. Tell them some mistakes you have made and how you handled them. be an example. Bump into your husband infront of them and apoligize etc. At that age they learn more by watching then being told to do something. If they do apologize for something, praise them for it. Just my thoughts. Missyfan
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In my experience there are trigger words, music, dates, smells, sights--you name it. Imagine this: A giant (what an adult looks like to a child) towering over you and screaming "Say you're SORRY" for anything from a wetting accident to a spill, while you are being beaten. Or "you don't get any food until you're SORRY" which is whenever the powers that be decide the torture has gone on ling enough. Or saying over an over again "I'm sorry Mommy" locked alone and terrified in a dark closet. Screamed often enough to an accompanying terror or punishment could make it a word that really translates into panic. Just replace the word with something you can live with--even a made up word will do. Most kids can say 'scuse me. Some kids can say I apologise. To reteach the meaning of the word, continue to use it yourselves combined with an affectionate gesture--a stroke or a pat. Or "I'm sorry to interrupt your TV but I just HAVE to give you a hug." There are many roads to the same destination. You will find one. Navigating the mind of a foster child requires a great deal of imagination and flexibility--and a good sense of humor.Remember there are some parents out there who when a child says they are sorry reply "NO YOU'RE NOT" whack whack whack. And remember, just because your fosters came from another foster home to you, doesn't mean they didn't gather baggage there too. Another thing to remember is that every time a child is moved in Foster Care the average emotional regression is 6 months---and it can be a VERY long 6 months. Hang in there. Mea Culpa if I have gone on too long--lol. If you need any more personal support feel free to email me privately.