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Good afternoon Everyone, Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Any advice or experiences you share will be greatly appreciated. We are having trouble with our 14 year old FS and his gang activity. His brother and sister (they are aged out of the system) are both gang members and when he was in the last shelter he got deepter into it. He looks at the gang as his family and feels safe with them. He wants to wear all the colors and shows his flag (blue bandana) around all the time. It has now caused a fight with him and another boy at his school. He just started this school last week, this is his 4th one this year. They have never had gang activity at this school and will not tolerate it. (Bravo to them) When he came to live with us we set a clear list of rules for our home and had him sign them. We have been tollerent on allowing him time to settle in. However as far as the gang stuff, tagging, clothing, signs, etc. we have been extremely strickt. Has anyone had a teen come into there home that is affiliated with a gang? What did you do? Thank you for your time. Best Regards, Chelle
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Hey Chelle,I can really relate to this. When I was a teenager, my brothers (one older, one younger) both became heavily involved in a national gang. It was awful. I feared for their safety, my parents', and my own. I became overly aware of my surroundings, constantly mapping out ways to run if I needed to, and things to use to defend myself, again, if I needed to. I know how scary this is and how serious it is. The people involved (like your son) do not care enough for whatever reason about themselves, or maybe they don't believe it will end violently for them, I really don't know. I never asked either of my brothers what drew them into the gangs, but if I were to guess, for my older brother it was a feeling of family and safety (a false sense of safety) and my younger brother I think just saw too much of what my older bro did and thought that was the right thing to do. It took a lot for my brothers to get out. Ugh. It was awful. My older brother was beaten so bad when he got jumped by a rival gang (while he was working at a local pharmacy! A High School job!) that he has permanent brain damage. He's a fully functional person, but there are parts of his memory that just never came back after that night. He doesn't recall a lot of his childhood, which is sad. We had a lot of fun as kids, and it's so sad that he lost that. For him, the only way to get out (alive), he basically went into hiding for 6 months. This was many years ago. We didn't know where he was, but knew what he was doing. It was so awful... I really can't even relay how bad it was. Anyway, he did get out. Or at least, they haven't caught up with him in many years.. so we hope and pray it's all in the past now. My younger bro, I really have no idea how he got out. Probably much the same way. Keeping a low profile. How to deal with your teen? I really have no advice, and I'm sorry for that. I do think that your rules are a great idea and you really need to stick by them. And maybe even set up limits and let him know what they are. I know this sounds cold, but let him know what your cutoff point is. I would suggest that even for bio parents. (i.e. if he doesn't get out of the gang, he can not live with you.) I know that this seems harsh, but he is in serious trouble. And what you know about, is only the tip of the iceberg, what you don't know about, is the scary thing. My parents had no clue about my older bro's activities. Until the FBI got involved. It was awful. I was with my mom when the agent talked to her and told her what was going on. I knew because I answered the phone in the middle of the night when the police called or my bro called from the police station, etc... but I kept it between us (at 13, you don't really think outside of trying to cover for your sibling...) but when my mom found out, it was so sad. I learned a huge lesson immediately about keeping secrets. I don't think I've kept a serious thing quiet since. Maybe this is why I'm outspoken as an adult? It may help to contact a trusted law enforcement person. Like if you have any friends who are police or have acquaintances that are. Make sure you can trust them. And they can maybe lead you to someone to talk to to give you ideas to help your son get out of this gang. It's dangerous. It will be very hard, where he has two siblings in it already. Gangs give troubled kids the sense that they are safe and in a family, that's the danger. And they protect each others anonymity as they would with priveledged family information. So breaking those bonds are very difficult. But I know that the FBI agent helped our family out a lot, with how to help my bro break away. He was honest, which was scary, but it maybe was good, too, for my bro to hear. My brother lost a lot of close friends to this crap. And even that didn't really scare him enough to get out. I don't know what clicked in him, but something finally did when he was in his 20's that he didn't want that life anymore. His oldest is named after one of his best friend's that was killed due to gang violence, and the best friend was not even part of the gang. I hope you find some help. I know how scary this is. And I know how serious it is. It's not a quick fix, and it's not an easy fix. See if you can get in touch with someone (through a police friend maybe?) like we did through the FBI agent who specialized in gang activity... I will tell you, on a positive note, that my older bro is in his 30's now, and until this post, I hadn't thought about this stuff in a very long time.. So it is possible to heal from all of this. I hope your family and your son can. Good luck.
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Dear Julie, Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I am so happy for your brother, you must be proud of him for turning it all around. Truth be told we are very scared about the gang activity. We have read as much as we can about it so we can know the signs when we see them. He has his first (since moving in with us) therapy session tomorrow evening. We are hoping to have them 1 to 2 times a week for now. We do have a friend who is a police officer. I will talk to him and see what advice he can give us. Thank you again for sharing with me. I really appreciate your help. Good luck to you. Chelle
I'm a teacher and not a gang expert. I'm also a foster mom to a teen. I would do research on the type of gang and speak with the gang department/overseer in the local police department. Several of my students are gang members, and I've asked them about getting out. They say you can't. I asked what if you move to another state, and they stated that they send people to track you down and either kill you or bring you back, or they threaten the families. I would get a lot of knowledge from experts in the police department to see if this is really a gang, a "crew", or if he's a "wannabe." There are huge distinctions. If he's a "wannabe" or in a "crew" (a group of kids that are wannabes, and form their own group so it's like a gang but not a real one"), or if he's a real gang member. If he's a real member and has been jumped in, then I would not be able to have him around my family, especially if you have other children. It's really important to really understand his level of involvement for your own safety.
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