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My ex-husband is the bio-dad of our 3 year old twins. He has made informal support payments, but has not seen the kids in a year, and has only contacted me twice other than sending money. He was in the army during our divorce, but was kicked out (Other than Honorable discharge) for DUI and drug charges. He's moved around the country since then, and has not been stable. My current husband is the only Daddy the kids know, and has cared for them since they were 18 months old. My ex's family is now threatening to take the kids out of state for visitation (the kids do not know them either, they do not contact me to be involved in their lives) so my husband and I want to go on with adoption proceedings, because we're worried about the kids safety with these people. My ex will not give up parental rights, so we're trying to figure out what the courts will take into account. My current husband is military, we moved from TX where the kids were born and my divorce was final, to KS in May. We're going to JAG tomorrow to find out what we need to do, and where we are required to file. If my ex shows up at court (which is a big "if", he doesn't want to give up rights, but usually can't be inconvenienced) what does the judge take into account when deciding the termination? The kids wouldn't be able to identify my ex, and when asked who Daddy is they will tell you it's my husband. This isn't something we pushed on them, but their bio dad has been so scarce they don't remember him. He is living with his mother, who is a deadbeat parent of her own right, in a $h#thole, and doesn't have stable employment to my knoweldge. Will the judge consider those facts, or will it only come down to genetics? This is so STRESSFUL!! Well, thanks for reading if you made it this far, any advice is appreciated!!
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Thanks for your reply. I should have been clear, he is ordered in our decree to pay through the state of TX, and it sasys any informal payments are considered in addition to, and not in leiu of, payments through the court. He has not made any attempt to keep the court updated on his address or contact information, even now I do not have any physical address for him. I wouldn't lie to the courts, only because I would be afraid it would blow up in my face. As far as them calling my husband "Daddy", that is not something we taught them, we've been honest with them about who their bio dad is, and originally taught them to use my husband's first name. It's just that after 2 years, that is who they know as "Daddy" since thier father made no effort to even call or see them. Anyway, I appreciate your quick response!! I guess we'll have to see what happens.
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I am confused.
Who has custody? You obviously, right? Is it full, full legal, full physical? How can his family be threatening anything? They don't have any rights..he does. So I don't undesrstand why you would be really threatened by something like that..it's an empty threat.
I would think, depending on the custody, then he could have visitation or some rights to see them, but it doesn't sound like he is doing that either.
It just seems more like a custody issue..where you could go to court if needed and make sure that the kids stayed in state..with supervision considering his past record if he actually really was serious about seeing them.
I always end up feeling somewhat sad when parental rights are termed. Like I get it from a legal standpoint...if something happened to you, your current husband needs legal standing, etc. but sometimes I think for the kids...it so sad when a parent allows the rights to go rather than pony up the money..and it doesn't change the biology. No matter what, they still have another father out there in the world somewhere. And it can hurt that they are let go...
Thanks for your reply. I have full physical custody, he has visitation which he is not exercising. As for his family, they are threatening to come here with him, and take the kids out of state. Legally, I have to let the kids go with them during his visitation periods, but I know that is very dangerous. My husband has planned on adopting them when the time is right, and now we're feeling a little pressure to just do it and not have to worry about it anymore. My ex is unable to care for himself properly, and more than once he's put the kids in danger, but in TX the courts were hesitant to deny him visitation, and said I'd have to pay for supervised, which I couldn't afford. As far as biology, I know my bio dad, but my stepdad is my daddy. I was not adopted, although my stepdad offered when I was a preteen, because at that point paperwork didn't matter, and being a girl I knew we'd just be spending money to change my name, when I'd change it again in a few years by marriage. Make sense? Anyway, for my kids, it's not about erasing their biology, it's about avoiding the hurt of missed visitations, broken promises, etc, and unifying them with any children we have down the road. They were SO young when their bio dad split, and he's already proven he's not going to bother seeing them unless it's convenient.
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The courts won't allow his family to pick them up alone, unless I permit it. As for my ex coming to get them, he hasn't even seen them in a year, and never bothered to see them when we lived 20 minutes apart, so I'm not sure he'll come halfway across the country. It's just such a mess, because he doesn't care about them, treats them as if they were a car note, but he won't let us move on.
I don't think your issues are being answered here. First off, biology doesn't make a father...love does. And if it's the best interest of the child to let the bio parent go, so be it...as long as it's not the child being hurt. Not sure how different TX or KS is from CA but you would have a lot of things against you here. (1) The kids are only 3 and cannot express their feelings to the court and doesn't have a long history with your husband and without your exhusband. (2) Your exhusband and family has expressed interest in seeing your children. (3) There is history of child support (informal or not). (4) In CA, 1 year of no contact or support is required to even file for termination. And he's contacted you twice and sent support in the last year. If he doesn't consent and doesn't show up, some states will delay the termination until he is appointed an attorney to speak on his behalf. But it will definitely help if he doesn't show up. The judge considers many things, but primarily (1) abandonment (2) lack of contact and support (3) length of abandonment or no contact nor support (4) what the child wants (doesn't apply to your case). IMO - your best bet would be to redo the visitation to supervised and within the children's home state only.