Are we your amoms or are we your real mothers?

The reality is you are both. Of course you deserve kudos for walking us through sleepless nights, hurt feelings, heartbreaks, and all the rest. I know it's ironic, but part of why we sometimes take you for granted is because you ARE our real parents. We have complaints and disappointments with you because you've been with us day in and day out. Just as the divorced parent who only has the kids on an occasional weekend gets away with not having to discipline or work through the difficult relational aspects, the relationship with our birth parents is not sullied by the reality of actually living together. And at the same time, there are very real bonds and connections for us with our birthparents, that go all the way back to the time in the womb. Those connections are at least genetic and emotional; they feel like something much more--mysterious, some would even say "supernatural". It is a complicated and convoluted thing to acknowledge the pain of separation, the gratitude for the adoptive family, and the satisfaction of living with the adoptive family while simultaneously wishing to know the birth family. It's not simple. We don't mean to be ungrateful or hurtful. We need all our mothers. Thank you for loving us even when it's a thankless task.

i consider my mother to be my mother. i always have and i always will. (of course, I have no desire to search for my biological parents, which may make me different than most adoptees I know) however, to warn you, when i was younger, I used being adopted as a 'weapon" when i was angry. I would tell my mom that she was not my real mom. I know it hurt her and looking back now I want to take it back. But as a child, it was very real and very true. if your daughter/son does that (as I did and both my brothers did) remember, that when we get older, you were the one there for us, you were the one that raised us, and you are a part of us no matter what desire your child has to search...

Hi, I am new to this forum and I feel I should address your post. I am adopted and I have met my Biological "parents". I have always felt and will always feel that a true mother, is the one that does love you and walks your through life. Even if my bio parents are nice ppl, they are still just the ones who gave birth to me. My mother is the one who raised me and loved me from the very first day she laid eyes on me. Sometimes, people can be cruel, especially if they do not understand certain situations. You have a great big heart for loving that child so much. Bless you for that.

My daughter has a biological mother and father. That is a FACT. However, I have been her mother (as my husband her father) since she was less than 24 hours old. Her birth mother carried her my daughter for nine months. But both she and the birth father relinquished any rights to parenthood before she was 12 days old. That was before we even brought our daughter home with us (she was born in Cali and we live in S. Florida). My daughter is now six years old. I have been the only mother in her life that she know (for now) and loves. She may have bonded with her birth mom in the womb. But rest assured, she is bonded to me as my daughter. As I am bonded to her as her mother. I also have a biological son who is now 12 years old. I honestly can't tell the difference between my two children. They are both my miracle babies and I am both of their mothers.

My adoptive parents are of course my mum and dad, they did raise me after all. I love them very much. I do however acknowledge that for many women of my bmother's era, whatever reasons they may have had for relinquishing their child, it was usually not "because they couldn't be stuffed to parent". I do not of course speak for all bmothers of that era, I can't even really speak for my own as she is not around to ask, but I do think too many people just assume that our APs are doing a job that our birthmothers didn't WANT to do and that is wrong in many cases; many bmothers in the 60s and 70s really didn't have a viable choice. That may be true but it is possible that they would have liked to have done more than "just give birth to you". They may well have liked to raise you if times had been different. If your mother was a single woman, she was probably discouraged from raising you and made to feel like she was not worthy of doing so. However, as you said, you have met your bmother so that may not have been the situation at all, only she knows.

Why do so many "moms" mention love in terms of quantity (she loved me so much, I love them equally, which mother gave more, etc etc ad nauseam?) Love knows no limits and defies measurement!

I assume what pp was refering to was how she ended up in a loving, supportive home that fufilled her emotional needs. I did not read is as a slam on her BM or a suggestion that BM didn't love her

It's not only "moms" who talk that way. I think some people believe that love is a limited resource. (Like a pie we divide into pieces.) Love however is something that grows and expands the more we share it with others. I believe in sharing the unconditional love that I have experienced myself (sometimes I'm better at it than others, LOL). As a birthmom I love my firstborn; I also love the children I raised. Period. I love my grandchildren... biological and step... If my bson wanted nothing to do with me, I would still love him. I don't want him to love me "as much" or "more" (or less) than he loves his parents (the ones who adopted him). I don't care if he never calls me Mom, I love that he wants me in his life. We have our own relationship that is as "real" as the relationship he has with the mother who raised him.

Right, I am not saying that the bio parents are not good and loving. I truly believe that giving me up for a better life is a proof of love from their part. I am also saying, for me, I have one mother and one father, my adoptive parents. It must be the hardest thing to do, to give up a child and wonder all the time if they are happy and well taken care of. I can't talk for the bio parents because I have not been in your shoes, I can only talk of my experience and the way I feel about my mother and father. I did not mean to offend anyone that had to give up a child, but it is a reality for some adopted children that their adoptive parents are truly their mother and father.

My 20 something son found me a few months ago and he revealed that he was never really loved or accepted by his adoptive mom. They don't even speak anymore. It sounds like he was abused in some way as well. His dad apparently was not in his corner with this either. I am sick to my stomach and actually wanted to die! Thank God counseling and a level headed and supportive new son (of course I didn't tell him that feeling) helped with that phase. I hope it is over now. I was assured that these people were good, adjusted people that wanted a son so badly and could provide for him so much better than I could! I wanted to raise my child but my "counselor" and my own mom and dad (who I helped to raise my seven brothers and sisters) put the pressure on big time and guilted me into not being so selfish and heartless to keep my child even though I was working, in college and had a plan of action. I even went so far as to believe the adoptive moms loving letter she sent me at the time. He can't even bring himself to read it he dislikes her so much. I kick myself everyday for not opening my file earlier. I thought it would be unfair to her and my kids and my beautiful son when they were all teens at the time. Again I felt like a selfish person for wanting to meet him. I tried to get him back and then at least find information throughout his life. How do I deal with the conflicted feelings of hate and wanting to meet the parents and my counselor to give them hell. I wish I could sue someone! Now that our honeymoon is over it feels like he must hate me too for leaving him in that family. The reality of what I did has got to be settling in especially since he met my other kids and realize we would have had a fun life together. I would've never hurt/hit him or any kid. We are so much alike we would have had some pretty good disagreements I am sure. Actually that could have been fun too. His bsibs and my husband really want him to be a big part of our lives as long as he wants me still but I am not sure if he feels the same way. The kids are holding back a little to be cautious of their and my feelings while this all sinks in. It must be hard for him to see photos and hear stories at our house. I put a few of him out too. I love to show him off and look at the photos he gave me. As far as I am concerned he is as much my child and my love as my other kids. I always loved him and pined for him. A few times a year I just locked myself in my room and cried. Reading this forum and posting feelings are both so helpful. I am so glad to have finally found this site. Thanks, D

mmedag, I think it's all in what you said - "people that wanted a son so badly and could provide for him so much better than I could!" Unfortunately I see WAY too many cases like this among adoptees and birth parents - adopting a child to fill a need. Someone needs to develop a psychological screening instrument to identify and disqualify these "parents" from adopting. There are lots of Joan Crawford types who appear outwardly successful but have deep inner pathologies which are only apparent after they have damaged the child. My advice to you is to try some joint therapy with a professional experienced in adoption issues; a 20 year old male who has grown up in a crippling emotional environment needs help! And I'd let the adoptive parents foot at least your son's part of the bill (and they need it too, but those kinds of adoptive parents never admit their flaws to others!) Find a local adoption support group if you can in your area -believe it or not, there are many who have had to deal with similar situations. Online communities help, but are no substitute for real human interaction.

Thanks for your input. We have done a few counseling sessions together but he was supporting me and getting me to stop beating myself up for the most part. I hope to get him to join me again to get his feelings and questions out. Not sure if that will happen now that the backing off stage for him is settling. I'm kind of afraid to ask.

The thing is, each situation is different and everyone will have their own title for it probably..first mom/birth mom etc. But as someone who is reunited with their bmom, I can still see my amom as MY real mom. She is my mom. She is the one who can finish my sentence and she is the one who I love more than anything in this world. Yes there are feelings there for my bmom, I appreciate etc but still see a difference there. Cherish those nights where she is crying in your arms, that means something :)

i am adopted , i like the way you speak about adoption and your children,[url]http://forums.adoption.com/images/icons/icon14.gif[/url] you sound so very much like my parents (real mam and dad) as they were the only ones i knew and after i met my birth mother they were still the only ones i knew.( wont touch on the subject of birth mums as i know there are some lovely ones out their but my mum wasnt) you brought back memories of my parents, (as they have now both passed onhttp://forums.adoption.com/images/icons/icon9.gi... )i was special to them even when i married and had my own children, the first at 16 which i would never have had adopted it was a different ere though, i was able. my parents did more for me than her b,children, i was cared for, looked after and adored and loved way beyond need, you sound so like them, i just want to say thankyou for that , i would have loved you as my mam as well, thank you and all the a.mums that gave us the best life they could your a credit for a.mums .

Any wise adopter will never forget adoptees have mothers who gave birth to them who they may want to find once they are adult adoptees.You may do the work but no adoptee ever forgets.