Advertisements
January 10, 2006
I am new to the foster program and we had our first foster placement on November 14th" M is 6 and her brother B is almost 4. We have a 9 year old bio son K. We knew very little about them when they came to us. M is parentified and is like talking to a 21 year old instead of a 6 year old. B seems to care less about anyone or anything except for his sister M. B seems to have some systems of PTS and behavior problems, attachment issues (except to his sister). M sees the need to constantly parent B and even tries with our son K who is older than her. Their history seems fairly typical, ** is addicted to Ice, alcohol, etc. She has been homeless with the kids, prostituted (most likely with the kids in the house), left them alone at the ages of 4 and 1, etc etc etc M has really only been the constant caretaker in B's life. M will say things about their past that will drop your jaw to the ground. For instance, she describes in vivid detail seeing mom use the drugs, even the pipe used!! B is just waiting for us to be like every other person in his life and get rid of him. He doesn't care about following the rules, doesn't care if you are upset with him, etc. Bd is in jail for drugs and the kids say little about him. At this time, ** seems to be getting it together, is clean and sober, thinking of starting college and is now asking to meet us. The kids SW has asked us to consider doing this when we are ready. At this time, reunification seems to be the goal. Luckily, it seems the ** likes us and sees that her kids are happy and thriving well with us. She asked to have that passed along to us, which made us feel really good to know. So the problem is we do not agree with the state's decision to reunify this family. This is the second time that the kids were placed into foster care for the exact same reason and at most she had the kids back 8 months when she relapsed and started her crude up again! Her reason for relapse is that it is too stressful to parent both of these kids. (B does his fair share of causing gray hair, lol) The week the kids were placed with us, she was telling the kids SW that she would like to start overnight visits with ONE of them, slowly working towards taking both of them!!! OMG, she has two kids what is she thinking? For this time through the system, we are their third foster home since removal in May. The first home was a temp place while a family friend got approval to foster them (they were physically abused in this home), the family friend didn't work out after a few days because of B's behavior and now they are with us. We have told the kids they are here to stay until going home to mom. B's behavior might drive us crazy, but we love both of these kids to death. Has anyone ever approached the children's SW about asking the parents to give up their rights? We have expressed our concern to the kids' worker and she understands our feelings, but feels that this time mom is going to succeed in stay clean and sober. We have serious doubts and major concerns about these children if they are sent home. Literally we are scared for them. Has anyone ever been in this situation and what did you do?
Like
Share
Look into getting a guardian ad liteum appointed for the kids. I have never worked with one, but maybe someone else can tell you more about them... I believe they push for what is best for the kids and is seen by the Judge as an unbiased and impartial person and their voice is loudly heard. Good luck!
Advertisements
V8 Momma
Look into getting a guardian ad liteum appointed for the kids. I have never worked with one, but maybe someone else can tell you more about them... I believe they push for what is best for the kids and is seen by the Judge as an unbiased and impartial person and their voice is loudly heard. Good luck!
January 11, 2006
Who do I ask about who the GAL is? I do not want to make the SW upset for she is really good. However, it seems to be the rules of this state to keep sending the kids home. She told us she feels three strikes your out and technically this is the third time in the system. Her reasoning for reunification this time is because its only the second time under these circumstances!!! OMG, it the situation was bad enough to remove these kids three times!! How much more are thes babies going to be asked to tolerate at their young age?
I would not ask Bio's about that. It can come back on you at the tpr trial, if it comes to that. EXAMPLELawyer to bio- have you felt pressured to give up these kids. BIO- Yes, 4 years ago the foster parents asked me to give up my rights.JUDGE- you poor thing, its no wonder you had trouble attending 8 parenting classes. Give her another case plan for six months, then we will review thier case. Over the top, I know, but stranger things have happened!!! Now I have been asked by S/W if i would adopt the kids if they came up. I tell them (IF) it does I would. GAL- ask the S/W about it. I had one that got permission to visit the kids in the BIO's home for six months until the case was closed. It was of great comfort to me to know how they were doing. If I may be harsh. If the parents are completing the plan, not abusing the child on visits and doing what they were told to do, Your hands are tied. We are Foster parents first, called to love them and unfortunatly sometimes put them back into what we see is a harmful situation, even if we do not agree. You got a bad one for your first one. It gets better!!!
Social workers can't regulate what parents do. She may stay clean or she might relapse. I had 2 brothers for almost 2 years. Their caseworker would talk to me. She had 3 sets of kids be reunited with thier birth parents and all 3 were put back into the system because hte parents relapsed. There is no way of knowing.
Advertisements
When you adopt via Legal Risk (Fost/Adopt), let alone fostering without the intent to adopt...at least initially, you have to accept the risk you won't get the kid(s). Social Service's priority is to keep family units together unless the risk to the child(ren) puts them in obvious danger. They have to follow the letter of the law or there truly could be a backlash because "the government is taking children away from homes that they shouldn't be taken away from". They have to give the parents plenty of opportunity to get their act together. Personally I think that the system tends to be too lenient on the bio parents. It stinks, but there you have it. Good luck and hold onto the fact that you are providing your foster kids with a stable environment where the children can learn what "normal" is while with you. Even if they go back to the bio-parents that will stick with them.
i wond definately ask the social worker to ask the parent to sign over. there is risk sure but is there more risk in that than there is in the kids going back home. I would dig my heels in and figh like crazy to keep these kids from going home. Lots of people on here are going to disagree with me but I believe it strongly. If noone else is really fighting for the best interest of the child then it IS our job as foster parents to fight for them. Everyone complains about the system being broken but if noone stands up and makes anyone notice then it will never have a chance of changing. I will tell you this...I did not fight for my first foster child cause I was new and did not know the ropes and did not want to muddy waters and make anyone mad at me....WELL, since she was returned she has been abandoned twice, thrown down the stairs and has been hospitalized for a broken collar bone. AND now noone knows where she is. SO, I say FIGHT LIKE CRAZY and do whatever you can to keep this child from falling through the cracks. People say that there was nothing I could have done about it but in the end I have to be the one who goes to sleep at night knowing that there were more things that I could have tried and did not. I am the one that cries myself asleep at night becuase of it....Maybe it would not have helped but we will never know. At least if I had tried I would know I had fought with my whole self for her.
If you do all you feel like you can and you see the kids are going back, Somewhere I read that there is some new foster parenting models where the foster parents team up with bio's and they stay in contact with bio's to help facilitate the transition. You b/c a part of the "after they go back team" to be eyes and ears. Ask C.W. About it.It is court mandated I believe, and has authority, not just a foster parent calling to see how the kids are doing etc.. Maybe someone on these boards is familiar, and could give more information. pro's and con's etc......
Advertisements
This is might not help much for you, but has helped me a lot. I would meet b-mom. It really helps us let go when we meet the parents. You start getting to know them and see them as humans that make mistake. I always try to become friends with b-parents and help them achieve their goals. I always encourage good work. I remind them of some appt, ask how their parenting classes went, if they have any questions. I truely show that I care for them and their children. I treat them with respect. I have seen b-parents with such a bad bad history turn thier life around and become wonderful parents. And Im proud to say that I was part of this. All the kids that I have fostered and returned to b-parents have never come back to the system. I still see some. I get invited for b-days and other important days. Once I was invited for their first day of school. Its wonderful to see them happy.
So I would suggest meeting the b-mom and give her a chance. After all you only know her by what they have told you, not what by you have seen of her. After you meet her you can determine if the child would be safe with her or not.
I have a baby right now and I have met the parents several time. Just by meeting them I realize the baby is better with us then with them and this is the first time I felt like this with a b-family. But when you see them and see how they act it just turns your stomach.
Good luck with everything.
Shycar