Has anyone been abused by adoptive parents?

Amy, I have endured all kinds of abuse growing up. Not just from my a-parents, but other a-family members, & even friends & acquaintances of my a-parents felt like I was around just to be mistreated. I have very little respect for my a-parents although I do still care about them & what happens to them.

What's really sad is, even though I've forgiven,and I get a long w/ my a/mother now, I know that when she is gone, it will be like a relief off my shoulders. That, that part of my life will be over. . .done. . finished. The lies, the secrets, the past hurts, will be all vanished away. I probably will have nothing to do with the rest of the afamily after that too, 'cause I won't have to be accountable to my a/mother anymore.That's just soo horrible for me to think and say, but I totally feel that way. Why??? Christi???

I can't tell all of you how much you helped me with your words of encouragement. I actually slept last night for the first time in days. Today was a good day with a lot of food for thought. I want to thank each and every one of you. Hopefully I will be able to help someone else down the road. Please keep me in mind if you feel I can help someone. In responce to Raina's questions asking if I am in contact with my Son. No. He has been involved in meth and violent behavior. My Mother promoted this by taking him to stores where he picked up items that could only be used to cook up meth. When I found the items in her garage, she replied she knew what it was for but gave no explanation why she aided him in this pursuit. He also robbed me of most my jewelry. She caught him and asked him what he was taking. He showed her the items and she took a couple rings that were hers but let him take my jewelry. She came right out (quite proudly) and told me this. When I asked her why she didn't stop him from taking all of the items she replied that she didn't care what he took as long as it was not her jewelry. I told my Son in the beginning (after his Fathers suicide) that I would always be there for him as long as he made an effort to help himself no matter how difficult his road was. He bacame physically abusive and did go to counseling a couple of times. I quit my job so that I could be a full time parent. He was constantly running away and committing felonies. Home invasions, attempted rape, and luckily we (the Police and I) found him so quickly on one occasion because the next day his best friend and partner in crime murdered a woman over drug deal. She left 3 small children behind. I know he was in pain but there is a limit to what I could do for him. I had to put distance between us. There are some things that he needs to do on his own but I hope to have a relationship with him at some point and hope he comes to terms with life and its consequences. He has no interest in his Daughter and her Mother recently married a suspected gang member. The rest of the family (quite large family) has a history of questionable behavior. I found myself in over my head and headed for distructive behavior myself . That is when I made a conscience choice to do what I could for myself. I moved several states away after my Son went to prison. I got a job and started putting my life back together. I met a wonderful widower and remarried 6 years ago. As so many that have been abused, I found myself in several abusive relationships in the past. I had married about 15 years ago to a very abusive fellow. About a year after we were married he held me hostage for 8 hours. He beat me the entire time and jabbed a key into my eye over and over. I was so bad they had the coroner come to the emergency room to take pictures. They admitted me to the ICU for about a week. I called my parents to see if I could come home and my Mother replied that I could not come home. She sent me a sympathy card that was meant for the loss of a loved one. I had to go through several surgeries over the next few years and they saved my eye but it will never be the same. This is the first healthy relationship I have had. We own our own business and have worked hard and paid off our home. I feel I have grown in many positive ways. My Husband is constantly trying to work with my Mother without being confrontational. He more than understands that this last bout between she and I is all that I could handle but he continues check on her. She is 86 and her health is declining. I wish her no harm and hope her remaining years are good ones. I have been diagnosed with a heart condition this year and can no longer go through the emotional turmoil. This discussion board has been a God send. My Husband and I have a strong faith and actively work on our spiritual life on a daily basis. Boy that's tough some days! We work to stay on track with the teachings of the Bible. It is the backbone of our relationship. It helps to know that there are others out there that are have gone through hard times. I have read on other messages that some adopted people express never feeling like they quite fit in. I understand that and again, I thank God for this message board. For the first time I feel like I do fit in with many of the messages I have read. Hopefully soon, I hope to find my little Sister that was adopted out a year after I was. I just learned of her existence a short time ago. I don't expect a miracle of a perfect relationship but I would like to explore a relationship with her if she is willing. I apologize for rambling on and noticed my paragraphs kind of wander. I'm exhausted but feel a peace about me. Again, Thank you Julie, Raina, Amy, Nobodys Child, and FH-heartened! Did you know you were all the ANSWER to a prayer yesterday? God Bless, one and all! Michelle

Michelle, First off, I am so truly sorry for the heartache you have endured in your life. I am a firm believer that the obstacles we face in life will either make us or break us, and for the most part, it is up to us to decide whether we want to succumb or endure for the better. I think you have survived what has been handed to you in a most incredible way. I have to tell you, you are one of the most amazing women I've ever had the pleasure of corresponding with. With everything that has happened through the years, you have been able to pull yourself up and out and make yourself a better person in spite of the past. You are truly an inspiration. My best to you and your husband. I am also praying for your son and your granddaughter and praying that God will lead you to your sister when the time is right. Hugs, Raina

I have issues with my adoptive parents. It wasn't that the emotional abuse was intended, so much as they had issues of their own. I too thought the world of my adoptive father, but now I wonder, was it really that way? its so easy to lay all the blame on my adoptive mother, but when in Therapy I started to look at both parents, I saw that maybe the relationship between my parents wasn't so good. I think if your really wanting to understand your abuse then talking with a therapist is the way to go. Its not really benefical to start just looking at how we percieved things as a children, it actually does more harm then good. Talk to a Therapist that understand adoption issues.

Hi UK Trace Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I welcome any opinions and am really trying to work through this. I have gone over my memories as a child. I believe as we get older we have a tendency to "embelish" some memories. Unfortunatly my Father has been gone for 16 years so I don't have him to help me remember certain things. Heres what I do remember. My Dad worked two jobs so that we could live in comfort. After I was adopted my parents moved us to Alaska where my Dad worked for the Civil Service for 35 years until his retirement. He formed a business on the side and built homes and apartments for additional income. We went on vacations every year and traveled to several places around the U.S. My Mom was able to have several credit cards that she could make purchases at her discresion and always had a car of her own. She enjoyed League Bowling, Doll Clubs, and various other activities. I never remember them fighting over money or what she wanted to buy though they were known to argue. Since he worked two jobs my Mom was able to stay at home. This put her in the position of being the sole disaplinarian which is one reason she is furious with my father. When I got out of line around my Dad he would shoot me "the look". Then he would take the time to explain why it was wrong to do what I did. Here are a couple of examples what my Mom would do when she felt I was out of line. One day my best friend asked me to go into town with her Mother and Sisters. I was about 8 years old. My Mom told me to be back at a certain time. Well things took a little longer and I called my Mom and told her I would be about an hour late. She said this was unacceptable and I'd better be back when I originally said that I would be. I was embarrased and didn't say anything to my friend or her Mother. I got home an hour late and was dropped off at the end of our long driveway. They pulled away and my Mom ran down the driveway with a willow switch. She beat me all the way to the back porch and I cowered like a dog as she continued to beat me with the switch. I asked her about this a couple of years ago and she stands by her decision and is quite proud of it to this day. She even admitted this to my Husband. Another time, I think I was about 10, I was playing at the same friends house down the street when my Mom came looking for me. She grabbed me by the hair screaming, "What did you do to the dog!!?" She dragged me down the street beating me and yelling. I didn't know what she was talking about. She came home from shopping earlier and there was blood all over our house. Our Boston Terrier was bleeding. She took the dog to the vet and they rushed her to surgery. That when she came home and came and got me. Later the vet called and told us that something had gone wrong with the dogs pregnancy that couldn't be helped but she had died in surgery. I was devasted. I loved that little dog. My Mom never apologized or said anything else about it. There is story after story about her beating me with willow switches, shoes, hairbrushes, anything she could get her hands on. IF my Dad was at home he would tell her to let go of me but he never was physically abusive nor did he lay a hand on her. The last time she "got ahold of me" was when I was 40. I won't even go into the details but she tried strangling me. She was 80 at the time and not as strong as she used to be so I wasn't hurt nor did I try to defend myself. Since my Fathers death she has become more and more hateful of my Dad. It's gotten to the point I can't even mention him without her going off on me. "How could I love that S.O.B.?" She claims he was a raging alcoholic. I have gone over and over this trying to understand what she means. There was never any alcohol in our house while I was growing up. The only time I remember my Dad missing work was due to him cutting his finger off at work when a window fell on it that he was painting. He never had time to go drinking. He was always working. This past Christmas I made a point of writing a note in her Christmas card about all the things I was thankful to her for. Teaching me right from wrong. Raising me in the Catholic Church and giving me a strong sense of faith. Taking me on wonderful shopping trips. Telling me she loved me. She taught me not to hate and always try to forgive. I was never allowed to use the word "hate". She would pop me upside the head and say, "We may DISLIKE something but we don't HATE". She taught me that jealosy is wrong. I do love her and wish we could have a semi normal Mother Daughter relationship. I think it meant something to her... but about 2 weeks later I was relating a story about my Father to her and she cornered me and totally lost it. I won't tell you the new accusation she said of him because it is so unbearable I cannot see it in print. I was devasted and left. Once again I had to go over every memory, disect and re-examine every moment of my childhood asking myself, "Am I really crazy?" My problem is this. My relationship with my FATHER was an entirely separate relationship than hers with her HUSBAND. My Sons Father is a total jerk, in my opinion. He beat me, cheated on me, and did drugs. My Son has wonderful memories of him and is absolutely entitled to those feelings. Those are sacred memories between a Father and Son and have nothing to do with memories between a Husband and Wife relationship. It's apples and oranges. One has nothing to do with the other. I don't bring up my feelings about his Dad because he shouldn't be burdened with my problems. I have been to two therapists. One therapist agrees with my line of thinking. The other just wanted to write perscription after perscription and was alway more interested in the next client waiting in the reception room with another payment. I really needed to talk with someone and feel like they were LISTENING. I couldn't function on all the meds and it started doing things to my heart. She just told me to "double up" on 6 different perscriptions. This was against my better judgement so I stopped taking them and I started feeling better physically. Anyway, I know my Parents had problems with each other but I was the child and should have not been burdened with their personal problems. I have tried to get my Mom to go to counseling with me but she refuses. I've tried talking to her but she gets literally "tightlipped" and stares up off into space. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response to my post. I am always looking for other points of view to apply to my situation. I could be quite a handful growing up but I don't feel that I deserved being beat and emotionally beat up. It's difficult dealing with all of these feelings but this adoption message board has helped me more than all of the therapists and perscriptions out there. For the past two days I have gone to work and not broke down in tears. I have had incredibally productive days and my Husband wants to thank each and every one of you for your concern. I am feeling positive and it helps to know that others have similar experiences. Please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks again so very much! Michelle

Nickels, Reading your story is heartbreaking! I'm so sorry that you had to endure so much in your life!

Thanks for all your posts. I'm finally moving past all of this and it feels good finally letting it out. I have never told anyone, outside of my Husband, these things. I feel that I can now move forward. Gotta tell you, I'm feeling like a big fat whiner!! I'm so glad that Nancys Blog is covering the story of Masha the young girl that was adopted from Russia when she was a small child and brought to the US and adopted by a single man with no background check between TWO adoption agencies. I watched the interview on Nancy Grace the night before last. If this doesn't bring tears to your eyes I don't know what will! What this child had to endure is beyond comprehension. I don't think that I will ever complain again. How a single man could not only adopt, but request a young child with blonde hair and import her from Russia to the US is beyond me. THANK YOU JOHN KERRY for attempting to bring stiffer penalties for downloading child porn on the internet and bringing this travesty to light. Check out her story at [url="http://www.mashastory.info/"]http://www.mashastory.info/[/url]. Adoption.com is also a large group that is receiving attention and letting people all over the world know that some things have to be changed pertaining to adoption. No longer will an abused adopted child have to feel alone and isolated feeling that they are the only one in the world going through crisis. I just can't say enough positive things about this website. Thanks everyone! Michelle

My husband's amom physically & mentally abused him all of his life. His adad did nothing to stop it. So he is just as guilty. I personally think my husband got the short end of the stick. He was originally adopted by his father who was married to someone else at the time. THEY were the ones who wanted to adopt a baby. She couldn't bear a child. According to other family member testimony, she was a lovely, wonderful person. Unfortunately, when my husband was 10 months old, she died of leukemia. Loooooong story short, his father ended up marrying his first wife's best friend. She ended up adopting my husband at age three. She was the one who resented my husband to begin with. Anyway, they ended up having 2 biological children of their own. Once they were born, my husband became the demon/evil/unwanted/NON BLOOD related child. There has been so much abuse done to him. I hate his parents to death. It sickens me as both an adoptive mom and a mom to a bio child. We have not spoken to them in over 10 years. They have never met my children...and NEVER WILL!

On some days the amount of hate in this world overwhelms me. Especially the hate that is dished out in heaping amounts to innocent children. I am so sorry for what your Husband must have had to endure! It tears me up that he lost his Mother when he was so young. I just don't understand people. We are here for such a short time and we should enjoy each other and be thankful on a daily basis for being a family. Your Husband is so very lucky to have a Wife that stands beside him. I am so happy to know that he has a loving family and hope that the scars from his childhood can heal. One thing that he WILL have that this woman will NEVER know is the love of his children and grandchildren. I think that you have made a good decision in never seeing her again. Hopefully she will dwell on what she should have done and see what she has lost as she reaches her "golden years". I will keep your family in prayer and please know that there are so many others that understand your pain. Message boards such as this one are a God send and replenish my faith in the human race. Michelle

Hey Nickles, My name is Laurissa and im 17 years old and i was adopted when i was about 2 years old. My adoptive parents have never really treated me well, so here it goes. I haven't really ever talked to this with anyone except on this website, because we move every time soemone thinks something wrong is going on at our home. About 4 years ago they bought a campground and i work here in the summers from 5 till about 1 or 2 every day. And during the school year from about 5 in the morning till school and then right after school till 11 or 12. I haven't ever been allowed to do school activities or anything of that such. I wanted to go off to college and even received a scholarship for music, but will not be able to go. i will be 18 this april and would like to move out, but since i have never been able to have another job, and they don't pay me...i dont have any money of any kind. Besides working constantly i have been emotionally abused thouroughly, everyday of my life, and because of that i have become very emotionally disconnected with people in general and i dont' have a good look-out on life. i tried commiting suicide in my sophomore year, but after that ordeal i realized that there are better times in my life that i must look forward to. I may have been physically and mentally abused for a good portion of my life...but i will move out and on someday. Hopefully soon. If you ever need some one to talk to...email me. I'm here for you. Laurissa

Michelle, God bless you! I just got tears in my eyes and chills down my arms when I read your reply. The only satisfaction I can possibly get out of this, is the knowledge that one day she will have to answer for herself. You reap what you sew.

I have and your not alone I have been emotionally mentally physically been abused by my adopted mother and sexually by my adopted father.I feel like I am alone because it happened as I got older by my adopted mom then at nineteen sexually.I now disowned my adopted mom years ago though.my adopted dad is deceased.I thought they suppose to love not hurt that's why I took it thought it was love and did not want to get them in trouble

I also got verbal abused by both.I have felt like I never fit in with my adopted parents maybe at certain points I felt like I did.It seemed my adopted mom wanted to get rid of me too.I have been bullied where I lived at at school.I had relationships that was abusive too.Now I have my true love a soon to be thirteen year old daughter and in search for my biological cousins biological aunt and biological mom.I would love to be a motivational speaker in this field and help adults adoptee adults like me get through this but no help where where I am for adoptees.No help like help for reuniting bio families or researchers.Therapy to for the adoptee or bio families.

Oh yes, Lies, emotional abuse, sexual abuse by (also adopted) brothers - the only help I got when I mentioned the lads, was a shout upstairs "You lads, stay out of the girls bedroom!" That was all. I was also tortured, (yes I do think that's the right word) when I was younger than 7. Tied by string around my ankles and wrists to a bed, when an older 'brother' was left babysitting while they went shopping. Socks stuffed in my mouth so I couldn't make a noise and tickled and tickled and tickled!!! The 'parents' didn't even notice I had red notches on my wrists where the string had dug in. Lied about my birthday saying it was the day they got me. We called each other by our biological surnames if we fell out, not normal idiot, fatty, or ugly etc - by our surnames!! I was called Reynolds when someone fell out with me. I can vaguely remember them telling me, so I must have asked why I was called Reynolds. Horrible, horrible house. Not a home, not a family, not normal. I was adopted at 2 years old, but had been with them longer and they moved away when I was 18, I wouldn't go with them. I didn't even think of running away and no one except the 'parents' and the 'brothers' knew what had been going on. The parents were approx 60 when I was adopted and they adopted another after me as there's a 'sister' 4 years younger. A witness to one of the older 'brothers' next to (arm and hand inside) my bed!! There was no extended family and I was alone... and relieved to be alone... My life has been and still is being affected, I am now 61! I just wish there was a group of us that could meet up, won't be alone then.......