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Did anyone take bereavement leave from work after you found out that your birthfamily member died?
My workplace said that I'd have to submit the funeral certificate and probably evidence that my birth parents were, in fact, my actual parents. Since they died long ago (and so I don't have a funeral certificate) and I'm still trying to establish official documentation from Taiwan (long, difficult, bureaucratic story), I won't be eligible.
I understand workplace policies and procedures and the need for documentation to guard against fraud. Whatever the case, having to discuss with our HR people about why I've taken so much time off lately really hurt today. I sputtered out that I'm going through bereavement over the loss of my birth parents whom I'd recently discovered died long ago. I felt like all the wounds had been re-opened. I heard again the "you should feel lucky", "you need to move on" schpiels again. I was so upset, I ended up having to take 30 minutes' break to have a cry and try to console myself with a meat pie snack.
It's not so much the actual non-eligibility for time off that hurts. It's the reinforcement of the lack of recognition that people do grieve and mourn over the death of birth family members too, no matter how long we did live or not live with them.
This all so hurts. I need a hug. A meat pie just wasn't all that comforting.
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I am sorry for your loss as well. I am also sorry that your work is making you jump through hoops. Have a better day!
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Hi there.
I was thinking when I read your post...perhaps you could take "stress leave" or that sort of thing. Perhaps if you go to your doctor, explain what is going on, he/she will recomend you take some time off of work. Sort of a mental health thing.
I can see why your workplace may not understand taking berievment leave since your birthparents did not recently pass away (I'm actually having trouble understanding why you would need this, no offense) So, perhaps coming at is as more of stress situation, maybe it will be easier for them to understand.
I hope that offers some help :)
Leigh
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Leigh131313
your workplace may not understand taking berievment leave since your birthparents did not recently pass away (I'm actually having trouble understanding why you would need this, no offense)
I understand how it would be hard to understand why bereavement still occurs even 'tho they died long ago (and I mean this in a non-offensive tone). Before I did the search and found that my birth parents are dead, I thought to myself, "Oh well, they might already be dead since I'm now 42 years old and they may have died during their sixties". I was so matter of fact - like, it was so long ago, and I never really knew them, so why should I feel anything? Wouldn't I be as indifferent as if it was plain ol' John Doe who'd died 20 years ago?
However, the actual experience is otherwise. My birth parents, the very people who gave me the GIFT OF LIFE, are now gone forever. I will never be able to see them, touch them, hear their voices, talk to them, or even have the opportunity to honour them at a funeral. Hearing about their death a few months ago felt as fresh as if they'd actually died then. I've been through bereavement before (death of my a-mom and sudden death of my stepdad) and the emotions, the inability to concentrate, the uncontrollable tears, the deep sense of loss is as intense as any other loss of a loved one. Only this experience is actually worse since few people understand it and see it as invalid, as 'just stress' (see my other posts about 'disenfranchised grief'). Now I'm left with the following questions: how do I mourn emptiness?
Again, I truly understand why it's hard for others to fathom - before, I felt that way too. All I can try to relate is...you know the scenario whereby you've missed a really important farewell event? You run as madly as you can all over the place to find the party address, to get to the party ontime. But when you finally knock on the door, then open it, all you hear is deep silence. The inside of the room is dark and empty, save for a few torn photos and a few ragged streamers. You call out, "are you in there?" and all you hear is the echo of your own voice that turns to uncontrollable tears.
[url="http://www.bereavement-network.org/articles.htm"]http://www.bereavement-network.org/articles.htm[/url]
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Dear ripples, it is so very apparent you are deeply hurting, that's just it, isn't it? So perhaps when you hear that echo in the stillness of all this madness let those tears fall and fall and fall. When I have felt pain and heartbreak so intense I literally feel nauseous, a good cry seems to be just what the doctor ordered so to speak. My experience has been one of working through all aspects of the grief process; the sadness, the anger, the injustices , the seemingly senselessness of it all. Allowing myself and giving myself permission to feel what I need, to heal myself; a sense of emotional processing 'as it were'. Try and trust that these storm clouds will pass in time and tomorrow may just be the day you wake up with a fresh, new perspective. The support system here is an amazing resource for the meantime. Take Care!
Wilted rose
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I'm glad you understood the spirit of my post, it was not to belittle your loss. Just because others don't understand, does not make it less real and painful.
Leigh :)
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ripples
Did anyone take bereavement leave from work after you found out that your birthfamily member died?
My workplace said that I'd have to submit the funeral certificate and probably evidence that my birth parents were, in fact, my actual parents. Since they died long ago (and so I don't have a funeral certificate) and I'm still trying to establish official documentation from Taiwan (long, difficult, bureaucratic story), I won't be eligible.
I understand workplace policies and procedures and the need for documentation to guard against fraud. Whatever the case, having to discuss with our HR people about why I've taken so much time off lately really hurt today. I sputtered out that I'm going through bereavement over the loss of my birth parents whom I'd recently discovered died long ago. I felt like all the wounds had been re-opened. I heard again the "you should feel lucky", "you need to move on" schpiels again. I was so upset, I ended up having to take 30 minutes' break to have a cry and try to console myself with a meat pie snack.
It's not so much the actual non-eligibility for time off that hurts. It's the reinforcement of the lack of recognition that people do grieve and mourn over the death of birth family members too, no matter how long we did live or not live with them.
This all so hurts. I need a hug. A meat pie just wasn't all that comforting.
Dear Ripples
I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your found mother...I think there is such a thing as work leave, related to emotional health, as Leigh suggested.
Below is a support link, that I just posted to Jennie. I hope it will be of use to you also.
FoundandLostSupport-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Thank you for the bereavement link you also posted. I read a few posts and could hardly keep my eyes dry.
Take care...Carmel
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