Adopting child of color as a white woman?

Millie, I agree that in our society, lighter skin is "safer", just as a black female is considered safer and more approachable than a black male. My girlfriend and I recently attended the symphony orchestra here and it was a first for her. While I was waiting in line in Will Call, I noticed some persons who were lost and couldn't find the theatre that they needed. No one asked her, although, they glanced in her direction. While I was waiting for her outside of the bathroom, I was constantly approached for conversation in which I was asked how I liked the performance so far, how often I attended, if I had ever enjoyed the Roof Terrace Restaurant, etc. When she came out of the bathroom, she asked me if I knew the people I was conversing with. I told her that I did not, and she commented that people always seem to approach me and ignore her when we are together. It got me to thinking. My girlfirend is darker skinned and loves to dress more Afrocentric. She wears her hair natural. I, on the other hand, am lighter skinned with long, chemically straightened hair. We had a deep conversation of how she noticed that it happens a lot. She was very aware of it, and I hadn't really thought of it. I hurt for her and she said she was used to it. My sons are all lighter skinned with what some would call "good hair" and it has always pained me that I noticed they have, on numerous occasions, received better treatment from their teachers in many instances. I never take for granted the opportunities to observe things like that. Because I am also an educator (and their teachers know it) I am always shocked when they use blatant stereotypes with their students based on their names (seemingly ethnic vs. European), their dress (well dressed vs. urban clothing), etc. We STILL have a long way to go and this pains me to no end. :o I loved the movie, Crash, because it not only brought up instances of racism in whites but in those attitudes in blacks.

Not all CC's think this. (Just wanted to add that in there!) I think there are many assumptions made by both sides of the coin. I never took it as some CC being afraid that darker AA's will rock the boat. I do think that for SOME CC's lighter skin means the lighter the whiter, the better. I listen to a popular New York (Hip Hop & Rap) radio station in the morning. I frequently hear the hosts talk about race issues. And I can't tell you how many times I have heard that "white girls" are so easy. You can walk all over them and they won't say a word. They just want to make you happy. And then I hear about "black girls" who can't close their mouths and always have something to say. You can't get away with anything with those black girls. Both generalizations are not pleasing to either race. But I just laugh and think, "Ha, you haven't been with this white girl. I wear the pants in my relationships!" It's just so funny that we still make these huge generalizations about one another. And it goes both ways. I also enjoy watching comedy on BET. And I can't tell you how many times black comedians make us white people sound SO geeky!!! :) And I don't talk like a valley girl. Like, Okay? :D Many of times it's all in good fun but other times it's just downright wrong, hurtful, and racist. Not all black people are alike. Not all white people are alike. I'm also sad to say that I have been in a few scary, dangerous situations where things could have gotten ugly just because I was there. I have been called "white" you name it. We have to start getting rid of these crazy stereotypes on both sides. When this will happen? I don't know. :confused:

I NEVER said that...and I DON'T think that...as I tried to express and reiterate several times, I'm speaking of the vocal and extremely visiable face to my LOCAL AA community...I am NOT talking about the AA community at large in the USA I never thought all AAs did...I have several wonderful AA friends who act in the same manner as you :) and I can only hope to be as good of parents as they are. I wish I could find better words to make myself clear...but as Sneezy said..I just keep digging:grr: so I will quietly return to my corner, maybe eventually I can find the right words to express what I was attempting to in the beginning.

Your post if full of bias and misconceptions about AAs and Africans. Its hard to read it and not get upset. There are so many statements in it that I could take offence to, I won't even try to addresss them all. I'll just say that I am happy to see that you decided not to pursue this type of adoption as it doesn't seem to be the best fit for you. However, even if you go on to adopt from Vietnam, your post indicates that you have a long way to go to understand what is involved in a transracial adoption. Again, most Asian transracial adoptees face the same issues as AA transracial adoptees.

In responce to divame:I find it disappointing that you would use the sentence "Has to adopt a black child." I respect your opinion on feeling that an AA child couldn't flourish in a home of another culture. Obviously this can present issues yet working through these issues of cultural differences is what being well cultured is all about. Cultures coming together and living together can be a wonderful thing for all of those involved. If everyone felt the way you do then sadly no one other than Chinese decent would adopt from China. What about starving babies in third world countries? Sadly there are more AA children in foster care right here in US than the AA. culture is wanting to take in. As there are more children of different cultures all over this world that their own culture is not wanting to take in or adopt. If everyone was wanting to adopt or become foster parent the world would be a better place yet that is not the case. I am a CC woman with many different cultures in my family due to biracial marriages and adoptions from Romania and Mexico. We have African American, Puerto Rican, Mexican, Romanian and a few others and we are a very happy large family. My husband and I will adopt a child regardless of color and be proud to teach them their culture and keep it alive in his or her heart with visits to museums, facts,food, trips to their country and educating our biological children their brothers and sisters culture as well. We can try our hardest and yes maybe they would have been better off in a home of their own culture yet what if no one in their own culture adopted them anyway and they instead spent the rest of their life in the system or orphanage? Would a child of color be better off not being adopted or aging out of the system with no family at all sitting in in an orphanage somewhere in a third world country? These children in other countries such as Romania are thrown to the streets at age 18. My niece and nephew come from a family with 14 other siblings that lived in shack with no running water or electricity. God forbid I was in the position where I could not care for my child and my child was that "waiting child" hoping for a family. I myself feel if there were 2 families wanting to adopt my family I would chose the AA couple if I felt they wanted my child more and would love him/her as their own. If they were more educated and stable than the cc family and truly felt that they could provide more family oriented lifestyle for my child. Also if the AA mom was a stay at home mother who loved to cook and play with my kids and the husband had steady well paying career and the cc woman was working full time and my kids would be in daycare all day I am 100% positive that I would chose the AA family. It is sad that the cc woman only mentioned the negative things about being biracial and the negative side of the childs culture. I do not think that all cc mothers feel this way about their child. I also think that one persons opinion should not stop interracial marriages between educated people willing to teach both cultures to their children finding a balance between the the cultures. I do strongly agree with you that more awareness needs to occur amongst the AA community. There are simply not enough people of AA decent to adopt all of the AA children in this world. The fact remains that there are hundreds of thousands of AA children in this world that need homes. Not just here in America. It saddens me that you feel you would be doing a CC child an injustice by taking them into your home. You sound like a well educated compassionate woman and many cc birth mothers would be overly glad to have such a woman adopt her child. I think more AA history should be taught in schools. I think everyone should have the opportunity to have another culture introduced to them and live with it on daily basis.Again in a perfect world everyone would want to adopt. There is a post in another thread called pictures of trans racial adoptions or something of the sort. In one post was a link to this family website. It has a slide show of the couple's adoption from Somalia. It has many photos of Somalia as they had to travel there for the adoption. Many photos of the family at the orphanage and their stay in Somalia. One look at all those babies and children and I feel like jumping on a plane today to adopt as many of them as they would allow me to take home with me. I guess we are all entitled to our own opinions and I respect yours yet I cant help putting myself in the childs position. Yes it would be different being raised by a different culture or race. Yes I would feel different. Yet putting myself in a childs position for a moment: yes they are a different race, yes I feel different at times. I could have been adopted by another family of my own race/culture, although that may not have happened either and Id still be in an orphanage, foster or group home. Hmm my mother is home with me, she rides bikes with me and takes me to the park. My father takes me fishing w/ my sisters, we go on vacations often we have a pool I have a big yard and a dog. My parents love me and can afford to buy me many toys and provide a good education. I think I like it here.Cheers

wow...... this post is quite disturbing...and it seems like a few people have their hackles raised..... including me...i can hardly take it all in..... as for the comment that all white people think that blacks are lazy....( 2 pages back) that is soooooo untrue... i do not believe that at all...but i will tell you that in kenya...the women believe that all american black men are lazy....... so it seems that there a bunch of misconceptions.....all around among kenyan women and for what you beilieve that cc think. i feel that i am NOT doing my children any injustice by providing them love and a home....the fact that they are aa and biracial is secondary. i have an important job i have taken a responsabliltiy to raise a good human being to respect others for their individuality and personality......... i also have to let my children know that there are good and bad in the world and prepare them to be strong to face it head on.......... i will NEVER know what it feels like to be discriminated against... but i CAN raise the next generation not to discriminate...... so divame....... step off....... because those of us who have adopted transracially are too busy loving our children and dont have time for ignorance

Absolutely!! As long as they see people of their race and are knowledgeable, you'll all be fine!! Congrats on your decision!!

vegangoddess: in Kenya, the women believe that all american black men are lazy: The power of the media. Up until a very short time ago, the only time AA's were in the news was if they committed a crime. Race is secondary: in NY, there is a bill that says if 2 boys are gathered, it will be considered a "gang activity". Last summer, my 15 yo (who's biracial and very light) had a run-in with 8 white male teenagers. Police came; did they arrest the 8 white males, who technically should have been called a gang? No, they were sent home. If they were black (this is something for those you CC's with black sons to remember), they would have been picked up, hence putting them in the system. Why aren't there more AA families foster/adopting: institutionalized racism. Back in the day, foster families had to have a SAHM. Because racism limited what black men could earn, black mothers had to work, hence shutting them out of the foster care system. Now, they think it's too hard having to deal with all the people you have to deal with. Being black is hard enough.

i do realize that my sons are up against a lot.... and i must do my best to prepare them for this and incorporate black role models into their life...... which makes being a parent of a child of another race a tad more challenging....but the alternative of foster care and being bounced from fhome to fhome....seems less appealing...than a home of unconditional love..... i have my work cut out for me....... but i hope that i find support in those who are choosing similare families......

Awesome reply. It takes tremendous stamina and will to continue to serve your child and his or her heritage. There is SO much more to learn and to teach a child of another color than just hair and skin care. Hopefully- the people that do adopt outside their own race/ethnicity stay aware of the huge commitment made to the child throughout the child's whole lifetime.

My name is Stacie and I'm an associate producer for a brand new television program. I'm interested in learning more about trans-racial parenting and possibly having some parents who would be interested in talking about it on our television program. If you'd like to talk more you can email me at stacie.nice@drkeithtv.com or you can call me toll free at 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347

I've read a lot of this forum, though not all of it, and I am in tears. My husband and I are considering adopting a little boy from Ethiopia and I have been terrified that if I did, I wouldn't be able to give him a good life, just because we are white and he wouldn't be. I don't really care what color my children are, any children are, but I don't want stigma attached to him, either. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to get in touch with african american groups in the nearest large city (45 miles away) and see if there are Ethiopian familes in the area that would be willing to talk with me, that might be willing to become friends so that my child might have opportunities to interact with other black children? Does that sound silly, or does it make sense? I'm so confused I'm not sure which way to go. I keep having dreams of introducing a tall black man as my son...every night I have these dreams. I know that I'm being called to do it and I know that it is my social responsibility as a *human* to bring another child into my family because I have the love to do so. But I'm terrified of it at the same time. Is that normal? perhaps I should have started a new Thread. I feel like I'm totally off topic now...

i think the fact that you are thinking of ways for your child to connect and knowing that there are challenges dealing with racial differences is a sign that you will be fine in adopting......... i have one aa son and a biracial son.....while they are young, i believe that i am not doing them a disservice by adopting them..... the cold truth is that they would have remained in a foster system if i did not........since we were a second placement for our first son...in his short 4 month life....... i think we, me included, get so caught up in racial (which we must address at some time) need to realize our duty regardless of our childrens color, is to raise them as good caring people......once that is their foundation.... the rest can be addressed, in conjunction. i am not sure if that sounds right..... and i am not sure whether others will agree...... but that is my belief.....

I tried to post this twice last night, and couldn't get it to go! BUT...wanted to say that I completely agree with this! What good is knowing everything there is to know, if one doesn't have a good moral and secure foundation to base the knowledge on? Sincerely, Linny (Speaking as the momma to two Asian children and three AA babies...)

I didn't read the 14 pages of posts but wanted to comment on a white woman adopting a AA child. My son is bi-racial & adopted thru foster care. I would like to think that race does not matter, but I know it does. I realize I will never walk in his shoes, but in the same respect he's never walked in mine. I love having my son & believe whatever type of child I foster or adopt we will learn about ALL cultures & religions & focus on his background (obviously we can't know everything)We celebrate Christmas in our home, but during the holidays got books about Kawanza, Ramadon & Hannukah. Again, I think we should try to teach our children respect of all cultures, no matter the color of our skin or theirs. Color & background is an issue although I wish my love for him could be enough.Answer to the posed question: of course a white woman can raise any color child-the road may just be different. Best of luck & please do not let skin color (or society) decide what type of family you have.