Ramifications of keeping adoption a secret

I do believe that honesty is the best policy not just because I'm an original mother but also for reasons you have stated. Also if the adopted person was ill or had a bad accident questions could be asked about family history. If that person doesn't know they are adopted they will only give information that they know about which will be the adoptive family medical history. The problems that can arise from that could be terrible. When my son was adopted it was through pressure and coercion then he was never talked about. My sister was the one who told my husband months after we married which fortunately for me didn't cause me major problems. My husband was upset that I hadn't told him but when we talked about it he was supportive plus he already knew what my family were like so it brought us closer together. However at the time we didn't tell his family as we didn't feel the need to at that time. Years later my son started searching for me and found my family quite quickly. Unfortunately they didn't tell him where I was or tell me they had contact with him...long story. After that my son found my husband's two brothers, he is the youngest of 5 which was a shock for us when we found out. Again long story why they didn't tell him where I was but part of the reason was to do with the fact that we hadn't told them about him. Both brothers were suspicious of him as they weren't sure if he was some kind of crank and one of them just wanted to protect us. The other brother was nasty about us as we don't get on with him. When I eventually found my son it wasn't easy as we had so much to work through sorting out the lies and the half truths that he was told. Unfortunately now he is now at a point in his life that he seems to prefer and more inclined to believe the lies and the half truths. Pip :wings:

I'm a birth mom so might be a bit biased but in my opinion it's really not an option to not inform a person they are adopted at some point. In my experience secrets only remain secrets for so long. A child snooping for a christmas present who comes across adoption papers is going to want answers not only about the adoption but also about the lies. In a worst case senario I am imagining a person getting seriously ill needing a transplant or something and when they are already going through so much being told by his/her parents that well we're not a match with you but you're adopted so ... Not exactly the best timing.

Right! Absolutely! I think it's a trajedy if an adoptee is not told. What good could come from that?

While my Husband and family all know, I fear judgement from friends/etc so I don't tell them. *shrugs* I just don't like the feeling.

"Now, what would happen is someone spilled the beans? Or how could they take that secret to their grave? Is it possible to never know you are adopted?" If someone spilled the beans so to speak - I can imagine that the poop would hit the fan and that the adoptive parents would really not welcome that. I can't imagine the anger and betrayal the adopted child would feel if and when he/she finds out his parents lied to him and didn't tell him he was adopted. Frankly I suppose it is possibly for someone to not know they were adopted, but usually someone knows and like you said, spill the beans. I know of someone who didn't know until her adoptive parents died and she was going through their papers - she was in her 40's. "What about birthmoms who never tell anyone they relinquished a baby? What kind of ramifications could happen from that? What if the child tried searching for them? Has that happened to anyone?" My great aunt placed a child in the early '40's and she has NEVER talked about it since. Her children don't know, but mind you the rest of the family does. So I'm sure the kids know by now. I can't imagine what would happen if that baby girl ever comes searching for my aunt. I'm afraid she would shut the door in her face and pretend she didn't know what she was talking about. What a horrible rejection.

I know of two incidents where the adoptees did not know they were adopted and when they found out they flipped! They felt betrayed by their family and had trouble believing anything the family said from that point on and including the past. One guy even had to have major therapy because it literally turned his world upside down. Now, with that said, I am a bMom and an aMom. I told my son when he was three years old and we continue to talk about it from time to time because I want him to know he can always trust me and come to me with questions. I firmly believe, in keeping "NO" secrets from your immediate family.

I used to work for an agency that did searches for international adoptees. I had one case where the birth mother overseas waited until she was in her 70s to search for her child who had been placed for adoption in the US. She had waited for her husband to die because he didn't know she had placed a child. It was very sad.

I kept my closed adoption a secret, because I was told I had to. Then, after bdaughter and her family asked for contact two years ago, well the flood gaits opened up. It was always on my mind, always dying to tell just someone, but I hated the looks and snears, especially at the OB/GYN. Anyone else have the nightmare of one of your children bringing home their new boy/girlfriend from college or something and it being your birthchild - I have and it scared me to death. I was going to tell them when she turned 18, but she came to me earlier than that, so we handled it. My uncle and his wife adopted a child. The mother was drug addicted and so was their child when she was born. All of the children born to this particular bmom were adopted, mostly through the system. My uncle and his wife fought for this child and finally finalized the adoption when she was 3. BUT - even after hearing my story and that all being out in the open, they absolutely refuse to admit that their daughter is adopted and even stated that there is no way in H**** she will ever find out or meet her bfamily. How sad that they don't care if she ever knows her siblings (they are raising her as an only child). I was stunned, still am. No matter what the circumstances, I believe that we all have the inherent right to make up our own minds regarding the people we choose or choose not to surround ourselves with, and this is amplified for adoptees. JMO

We learned from a "family secret" that we were going to be TOTALLY honest. My brothers wife got pregnant by another man while they were separated. They had 3 kids of their own and got back together just before she had this little one. In every sence of the word my brother has been her father. She even has his last name. BUT, they never told her that my brother is not her biological father. She is not 8 1/2, and still has no idea. They WHOLE family knows...even her brothers and sister. Now my brother has actually divorced his wife and there was a struggle for this child. I still don't think they have told her. HELLO!!! Our adoptions were the perfect platform to open such a discussion. They know they have to tell her someday, but "they" are not ready. Maybe they are saving for therapy?? Anyway, they have created a mess that I would never want to put my boys thru...besides, the big mouths in my family...I can't believe my neice doesn't already know the truth!

Something like this happened to a childhood friend of mine. Turns out that the man he thought was his father wasn't his biologically. The man who was his bio dad later moved back to town with his daughter (my friend's unknown half sister), who was a year or two younger. They were in high school and started dating...well, the truth had to come out then. Understandably everyone was quite upset. Sadly, he was killed in a stupid motorcycle crash several years later.

My friends step son does not know he is adopted. He's like 20...crazy, huh? His mom actually lied to hime when he asked things for a school report (went through x amount of hours in labor, described the pain). Crazy. I think if you dont tell them, it must be because you are ashamed, and feel they are less because of it... no wonder kids feel so betrayed. It they always know, it's never life shattering news...just a reality. Leigh

[font=Comic Sans MS]I know 2 people who didn't know that they were adopted until they were in their 20's and later. One was told "by accident" before he went on a tour in Iraq and the other was told as "a death bed confession" when he was 36. He was/is not a happy person about it and had a few choice words to say to us when we told him about J and the open adoption. C has handled it well, from what I know and noone has treated him differently, friends or family. but R is another story. He is angry about the whole thing and the fact that he was lied to for years.[/font][font=Comic Sans MS]That was one thing I was glad that L said to me. J will know that she is adopted and she will always have a picture of us in her room.[/font]