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What are your thoughts on disrupting a placement?
I have 2 placements both are boys who are 3. They aren't related and one is my STBAS I'll call Buzz. The other boy was placed with me 6 weeks ago, I'll call him Thomas.
Thomas is 3.5 and came to me not toilet trained, not able to feed himself with a fork or spoon, speech and motor delay. I received no information about him or why he was removed other than 'neglect' although his GAL and CASA have alluded that there was other 'bad' stuff that caused his removal and that his dad was a 'rage machine'. His CPS worker is new and he is her first case. I have spent lots of hours with his parents at various medical appts and they seem to be concerned parents, they even bring him homemade bread he loves every visitation. He is thrilled to see them and shows no real negative behaviors after seeing them; sounds like an easy placement. I like his parents in the time I've been with them, they don't freak me out like my STBAS's bio mom did and does. They bring educational toys to visits and healthy snacks, ask good and pertinent questions about him, gush over his artwork, and honestly seem to care deeply about him. I work in law enforcement and can read people pretty well, they don't give 'the vibe' but something had to happen to get him removed a few times but the parents have told me nothing other than they smoked pot but have stopped as they want their son back. They also swear he eats with a fork and spoon, dresses himself and uses the toilet while with them so maybe my judgment of them is off.
I kept him home with me for 4 weeks in order to work with him on toilet training, feeding, dressing and just getting to know him. I sent my STBAS to daycare so he would get his speech and OT as well as to keep his routine as normal as possible.
In the 4 weeks at home I made absolutely no progress in toilet training and I tried every trick in the book. He doesn't care if he has a poop diaper or underwear, he would sit in all day long if he wasn't changed. He can feed himself on an 18 month old level but still uses his hands 90% of the time. He now helps me get him dressed by lifting his arms or legs as needed; this is huge as he was completely passive when getting dressed. He is also brushing his teeth which is great.
But, he has now gotten aggressive with Buzz. They are now both going to the same daycare and it's been bad. They can't get him to use the bathroom either and for a while Buzz refused to use the bathroom and demanded to wear diapers like "Thomas" wears. We finally got him to use the bathroom again but it took some doing.
Thomas hits Buzz all the time at daycare, they basically have to have one teacher keep Thomas with her all the time as he is disruptive, uncooperative and aggressive with all of the kids and teachers there. He hit Buzz so hard he gave him a black eye, he wasn't being provoked-- it was out of the blue. The director has requested that I find him another daycare asap.
At home it's about the same, I have to keep line of sight and 6 feet between them so if he goes after Buzz I can intervene but at times they play together so well letting them play side by side seems right but I can't take my eyes off him. My daughter has had enough of him and refuses to be in the same room with him and often takes Buzz to her room to play so Thomas can't hurt him.
I am at the end of my rope with him, it's gotten very hard. Tonight we had a kid friendly dinner: chicken, mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, cucumbers and blueberry bread for dessert. He ate his dinner and then started demanding pizza, I told him no, there wasn't any pizza but if he wanted more food he could have it or he could have dessert. He kept on with wanting pizza, started to cry and then leaned over and spit into Buzz's food. He got out of his chair and screamed and screamed for pizza. Screamed so loudly that my neighbor came over to see if someone had been hurt, when she heard him she went home saying I had the patience of a saint. This happens most every night, even pizza night, he wants a hamburger those nights.
Buzz's CPS worker visited today and mentioned she didn't think Thomas was basic but needed to be in a specialized home. She wasn't thrilled about the black eye either and suggested disrupting for the sake of the family.
I have contacted my agency and they are being wonderful about helping me get him services put into place asap so when or if he is placed elsewhere those services will follow him. I just feel so bad about everything, like such a failure all the way around. My kids are unhappy and my daughter does not mince words about how she feels. She's 8 so she isn't hateful but she is blunt. I cannot help this child and I became a foster parent to help. I have to wonder if he does get the right therapy and diagnosis and if the new daycare that specializes in kids with his issues helps if we can't salvage this placement but if I do that what am I doing to my kids? Am I sacrificing them?
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Only you know what is right to do, you have to trust your heart. I didn't think we would EVER disrupt a placement, but we did. As it turns out, they kids are with a family from our agency, so we keep in touch. Making the decision was heart wrenching. I felt like I was letting them down & was a complete failure as a foster parent. Looking back, it was absolutely the best decision for everyone involved. The kids are thriving in their new home and it's obvious that's where they belong and can get what they need. Your daughter & STBAS HAVE to be your first priority. You experience with "Thomas" may help CPS understand exactly what kind of home he needs and he will end up somewhere that his needs are better met. (perhaps as an only child, or with only older children)
It's a tough decision to make. Hang in there.
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He is still here but should be moving to family soon. I was able to get a psych, OT, PT and Speech evals for him this past week. The unofficial diagnosis is severe cognitive delays with autism markers. They are pretty sure he is autistic but don't want to label him due to all of the delays. He will be retested in 6 months to a year once he receives various therapies.
However, his family says there isn't anything wrong with him, he's perfect. Complete denial about his issues which isn't helping. I know family won't do anything about his treatment and I doubt CPS will force them to get him treatment which is why I am calling his GAL and CASA and beg them to advocate for him and make his therapies part of the case plan.
I was wondering what happened to you!