My Story from the beginning

OK, over the course of the last 2 years, he's made this comment about 4 times, "I never really wanted to adopt." This is the thing that has probably been bothering me the most this entire time I've been posting here--I've just been avoiding dealing with it. That comment is one of those things you say to an adoptee and the adoptee goes, "Well, ok then, have a nice life." (the adoptee turns and walks out the door and never says another word to the adoptive parent.) I think I've been kidding myself--telling myself there is something there when there really isn't. It's actually a very revealing because he and I got in a huge fight back in the 90's over some insurance policies. He's an insurance salesman--He had 3 life insurance policies on with a total death benefit of around $200,000. It all started when, his 3rd wife made a comment one time that was completely out-of-line about him dying and the windfall she and I would recieve. Basically, she is a money grubbing witch with a capital B. I called her on it infront of him, and SHE threw ME out of the house. The truly sick thing about this incident is my adoptive father took her side--it literally drove pushed me over the edge. Apparently, I was in the wrong for pointing out her money grubbing ways, and he's apparently OK with being married to a woman who's only with him for his money. After I got thrown out of the house, I told him flat-out, I am not going to speak to you again until you cancel all 3 of those policies. I didn't speak to him for 3 years--this was during the time when I was in the Navy. Basically, I got no help from my family at all during this time because my amom had another one of her suicide attempts right after bootcamp. And, I had lost all trust in my adoptive father, and I sure as heck didn't feel comfortable knowing that if something happened to me they would benefit from all that money. Finally, 3 years later, he mailed some cancellation papers showing me the 3 policies were cancelled along with apologies from himself and his 3rd wife. So, we started talking again, but I noticed something was off--I'll tell you why in a second. Keep in mind, by this time, I was out of the Navy, and I moved to LA, and I was trying to make it out in Hollywood. I was having a hard time as you can imagine because it was just me by myself trying to make on my own, and I kept noticing something was off with my relationship with my adoptive dad--he always seemed preoccupied--too busy to really have a conversation with me, and he was generally unconcerned about what was going on in my life. Finally, I gave up. I asked if I could come home, and if he would help me get started with a career. My adoptive dad said, "Sure, I'll help." I get home and I say, "I want to be a stock broker." The first words out of his mouth, and I'm not kidding, "You don't have what it takes to be a stock broker. You don't have the right kind of personality. Maybe, you should consider being an analyst." So, I went ahead and became a stock broker anyway, and I did it for 5 years. And, oh yeah, within a month of being back, I found out those policies were never cancelled. He forged the cancellation papers, and he even got his business partner to sign the forged documents as well. Words cannot describe how angry I was. So, those "apologies" were total BS. This was the final straw that inspired me to find my biological parents because my initial response was to take off. But, where would I be? Alone again? No family? I went out and found my biological parents as you already know and things went well. My biological mom and I have built a relationship out of trust and treating one another with decency. And, I'm still dealing with my adoptive father, and I'm thinking the next time he makes the statement, "I never really wanted to adopt," I might respond by saying, "if you never really wanted me, why did you take out 3 life insurances policies?" From the viewpoint of a stockbroker you might say, "he was hedging his investment." (protecting against a loss of his investment.) Does this sound like a father's love? I guess I've been dreading talking about my adoptive father bacause I can tell were he and I are headed. I feel like ending our relationship, but he's also 68 years old. Some people can just let by-gones be by-gones, but in this case, we're talking about a massive betrayal without any remorse. Plus, there's alot of things he's said over the years--too many things to mention really. It's been a chore to have anything to do with him. I think that if I keep talking about these situations I might eventually be packing up my belongings and moving. My next course of action is going to become self-evident. I honestly don't feel very much love for him. Jeff

A birthmother's nightmare turned into a birthmother's dream... You raise an interesting question: What are the standards? How rigourous is the background check on aparents?

Jeff, I'm a little confused. Are the policies on him or on you? I'm assuming they're on you... The next question is, is there anything you can do about that legally since you are an adult. The policies my parents took out on me became my property when I became an adult. (Of course, the $6000 will just about bury me!) It sounds to me like you are at the point of your life when you are beginning to make your decisions logically, not so much based on emotion (or maybe wishful thinking - that your adad will change.) You listed some solid reasons for staying in TX to go to film school. Do you have GI benefits as well? Even if you choose to stay, you have your bmom as part of your support system and a relationship that is positive for you. One of the things that I learned a long time ago is that we can't move away from ourselves. We also can't change the other (in this case your adad.) We can only learn to respond differently. (Psychologists talk about "reframing.") With some people, I have learned to say out loud, "This is not MY problem." You have commented on the great progress you have made in your life. Know that we are here to cheer you on but only you can decide on the right next step. (Do remember that no one succeeds unless he's willing to risk failure!)

[FONT=Verdana]kakuehl,[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Hey, thanks. You've made some interesting comments.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Yes, the policies were on me. They were cancelled 3 years ago only after I told him to cancel them about 1000 times. It was a rift that lasted about 8 years. He finally cancelled them after he called me an idiot. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]GI benefits only last 10 years. Mine expire in Mar '07. But, Hazelwood Act (HA) benefits don't expire and start as soon as GI benefits expire--HA benefits consist of the state of Texas paying for tuition at any state school for up to 150 credit hours, which is a bachelors degree and then some. I'm already 90% through with my core classes to get a bachelors degree. If I wanted to, I could probably get a masters degree, which is pretty amazing to think about. [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I think you're right about "wishful thinking." I'm slowly realizing that I'm not going to get any real happiness out of my relationship with him--the kind I'm hoping I'll have with my son one day.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I read a lot about Tibetan Buddhism. One of the things they talk about over and over is compassion. So, in Psychology, maybe this "reframing" is sort of like having compassion instead of getting angry. The way I see it, people who are angry become enslaved by their own anger. If you realize you are the one who is projecting this anger, you will simultaneously become liberated from it, which only makes sense because no one wants to live their life being ruled by anger. I just watched the "The Tibetan Book of the Dead" DVD last night, so I'm pretty much an expert on the subject. LOL.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Also, the term "support system" is an excellent way of putting it. My mom is pretty much my support system. She is the one who encourages me to go back to school. She consoles me when my girlfriend and I break-up. She keeps me from flying off the handle when I have to deal with crazy situations like those insurance policies. We just talk about stuff, and all the bad stuff dissolves. No one has ever been any good at doing that before her--that's why I love her.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I think I'm probably headed back to school. It's just a matter of how I'm going to make it happen. I was thinking I was going to go to flight school, but this seems like a better option because it doesn't involve a lot debt.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Jeff.[/FONT]

It's weird. Since I got this last stuff off my chest I feel much better. I think it comes from the recognition of how much this has been bothering me, but I've just been keeping it to myself. I have a tendency to take things too personally. This stuff is bad that I've mentioned, but it doesn't have to ruin my life. My life doessn't suck as much as you might think after you read one of these posts. I got a phone call from my bio-dad last night and we talked for an hour. He's doing well. He's been renovating a condo up in Michigan. He thanked me for sending a card to my bio-grandmother during a recent stay in the hospital--I won a lot of browny points for that. It was my birth mother's idea, and she actually bought the card and sent it. I told her she's turning me into the most thoughtful person in the world. LOL. Jeff

I am very encouraged for you from your last two postings. It seems to me that a sign of maturity comes when we begin to recognise that we have choices - that no one can "make" us feel or be a certain way unless we let them. As you say about anger, ultimately it is more destructive to the one who is angry. The need to forgive someone is more because I need to let go of the pain and hurt than because the other person needs to experience my forgiveness. (The other person may not even know!) I think it is a sign of maturity as well, when we begin to think of others (like your bio-grandmother). There is an old saying, "To have a friend, you must be a friend."

Kathy, Thanks again. I definitely appreciate your responses. Jeff

So, I made it through Christmas. I sort of realized I was doing some same things over and over and expecting a different result in regards to my adoptive dad--the definition of insanity. I'm reading a book right now called "The Richest Man In Babylon." My adoptive dad gave it to me. It's basically a book of parables explaining how to get wealthy and stay wealthy using common sense. It's definitely one of the best books I've read in regards to money--it's only 6 bucks and 133 pages long. You could read it in an afternoon. So, I'm not sure if I made the point before I started those last posts about my adad-he does have good qualities. Most of our problems come from me having too high of expectations. I need to remember that. Jeff

Hi Jeff,I'm glad you posted. I may have said it before, but one comment that was made when I was taking a training in pastoral care has always stuck with me: none of us has the (perfect) parent (or child) we want. That we need to mourn that ideal parent/child who exists only in our minds before we can deal with the parent/child we do have. My siblings and I could talk about my mom in ways that made our friends afraid to meet her, and yet my mom was in many ways a wonderful person. It depends on what aspects of a person's character we concentrate on. Somehow we expect our parents to be perfect and we need to learn to accept them as themselves. (I eventually did with my Mom, and live in hope that my 30 year old son will someday undedstand.) Anyrate - Happy holidays! (I'm glad your adad does have good points - even if marrying your amom was not his best choice!)

I just reread your last couple posts. Your adad's "I never really wanted to adopt," reminds me of my mom's "I love you, but I didn't want you." (my parents were married 11 months when I wa born and Dad was in school.) It was that repeated comment that in part led to me place D for adoption. I was afraid I would say something equally painful for D, and because I believe every child deserves to be wanted. Was it the right decision... it's hard to say. I hope you can gradually build better relationships with both your dads (a&b). I suspect from the way you write, that the better you feel about yourself, the better you will be able to deal with them as they are. It's great to watch you grow. (Don't forget your old friends here!)

Hi, Thanks again to Kathy, and thanks again to everyone who's been reading my story. Telling my adoption life story has been like therapy. It's funny how much something can bother you if you keep it all "bottled up." My girlfriend broke up with me a few months back--I'm still a little bummed out about it. She was such a sweet girl. We never talked about the things my adoptive dad said to me. The things he said were ticking me off royally the whole time, but I wasn't talking about it--this has sort of been "the story of my life." Then, there was the overdose of my adoptive mom in February of this year. My girlfriend went with me to the funeral. So, at least we were able to talk about that a little bit. Anyway, things between my girlfriend and I just became too stressful. I became "quiet" in social situations. People would wonder if something was wrong. Or, they would make the statement, "you're being quiet." I've always feel like saying to someone who says "you're being quiet" --"Go screw yourself!!" --it feels like a criticism even though it's usually not. No one wants to hear me say my amom just successfully killed herself, and my adad finally admitted he never wanted to adopt me in the first place, and basically my entire life up until now has been a lie. No one wants to have that discussion at a party when everyone else is talking about football and fashion and telling jokes and stories. Bad things have been happening in my relationship with them throughout my entire life, and I've never really had a forum to go and talk about the things that are upsetting me. This is why an internet message board called "adoptee support" is such a cool place. If you never get a chance to talk about something you never get over it. Thoughts become "static" --they just sit in your head for years and years until something comes along like an "adoptee support" message board and allows people like me to offload their baggage. It's weird. Somehow talking about my baggage has helped others too. The other day I got a PM from a girl who is another adoptee. She said before she read my story she felt like killing herself--I'm serious. She said when she read my story she realized she wasn't alone in this world--there are other people like her. She said it's given her a new outlook on life. I guess we've both had similar suffering. In a weird way, that's cool. I guess I'll add more later. Happy New Year!! Jeff

It's great that you have discovered this. Some people never do. Actually this is a good example of what can happen if you "bottle up" your feelings. Our relationships are built on our ability to communicate with each other. When one person (or both) doesn't share what's going on in the depths of their being, it builds a wall between the two. I suspect the fact that you've been able to share your story with us means that a new relationship may be healthier. You're not really in a party mood either! Of course, sometimes when people are drinking, they take it as a criticism of them if you're not partying too. I'm so glad you've found these boards and that they are a positive place for you. I may be wrong (I often am (LOL) but it seems to me that you have been healing as you post your story. That's the wonderful thing, you never know when what you've experienced will be helpful for someone else. I hope that you have a wonderful New Year.

[FONT=Verdana]Kathy, [/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Thanks again.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Of course, it only becomes obvious that you're depressed when you're around a bunch of people who are having a good time, and you find yourself having difficulty rising to the occasion, which is probably the worst time to realize you're depressed because there's alcohol around. Unfortunately, the realization of being depressed is also the cue to start drinking more.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic. I might only drink once a week, but when I do drink, I usually get drunk. I'm not a stumbling drunk that passes out, but I also don't stop after just one or two. It's usually about 6 or 7, which is too much. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Ideally, I would completely quit drinking, but then I would have to go out and find brand new friends. That's unlikely to happen.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Maybe, just realizing and talking about the sources of my depression will help me drink less.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Also, you said:[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]

Actually this is a good example of what can happen if you "bottle up" your feelings. Our relationships are built on our ability to communicate with each other. When one person (or both) doesn't share what's going on in the depths of their being, it builds a wall between the two. I suspect the fact that you've been able to share your story with us means that a new relationship may be healthier.

[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]It seems like you always have a pretty good grasp of the situation and how things work. I probably even knew this stuff already, but when you're in the middle of a relationship that isn't going very well, it's hard to realize stuff like this. Hopefully, there's a new healthier relationship around the corner.[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Maybe, I'll direct the next person I date here to read all this so I don't have to explain everything. That would be funny. She would think I was some kind of whackjob. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Thanks again,[/FONT][FONT=Verdana]Jeff[/FONT]

Hmm. A couple thoughts. First, maybe new friends would be a good idea! One problem with alcohol is that it is a depressant! Not a good thing for someone who is despressed. Maybe you could work on limiting the amount of alcohol you drink at these parties. (Are you on any meds that interact with alcohol? That could be a reason for choosing a cola with a lime. No one would know it's non-alcoholic!) If the next person you date, reads all this and sticks around you'll have a keeper! Have a blessed New Year,

I've been in a better mood since I finally admitted those things. I hope it lasts. I was having unrealistic hopes and expectations, and it was causing me to feel depressed. 3 things I was hoping would happen as a result of all these post I've made is this: 1. A young couple, who were considering adopting, reads my story, and my story helps them making up their minds about adopting or not. 2. A young girl, who is considering giving up her child for adoption, reads my story and decides to keep her baby because she realizes what can happen to an an adopted child. 3. A young girl, who is considering giving up her child for adoption, reads my story and demands to have an open adoption because she wants to ensure the adopted mother and father are treating her baby the way she would treat him or her, and the child has contact so he or she can know things about heritage, personality traits, and medical history. So, telling people all this stuff about myself wasn't all about me venting. Although, venting does feel good. I was hoping it serves a greater purpose. Jeff