Intrusive Birthmother

thanks janf. It is tough for all parties, but hopefully the adults can work through things for the benefit of our son. We send cards and pictures much more frequently than is required because we want a good relationship, but it's clear that we all have more work to do

Faimlyguyma: If it's any consolation, it may ease up over time. The truth of the matter is that no one is sure about what they're going to be comfortable with until the aparents have the baby at home and the bmom is without the child they've carried. It's a lot easier to be rational about things in the abstract. The reality is that even if you like each other, it's still hard to juggle caring for a child, running your house, working, and stopping everything for a visit on someone else's terms. I understand what you're going through and maybe give you some light at the end of the tunnel. We've had a little trouble not so much w/ H's bmom, but with her family wanting more visits than we were comfortable with (like once a week!). H is nearing his first birthday, and things are easing up significantly. One thing that I think has really helped is that I will just send new photos without being asked whenever we happen to have them, or will e-mail with a new development just as I might e-mail grandparents. That information feed seems to keep them more connected and less demanding, and I get to do it on my terms. Other than that, I think I'd just be direct with her: Look, we agreed to phone calls and I want to honor that agreement, but every time you call me I feel I'm being pressured for a visit that we didn't agree to, and that's making me want to avoid your calls.

A lot will depend on the tone of voice, obviously, but I don't really agree that it's "mean", given that it's the truth. If you aren't upfront about why the calls are making you uncomfortable, the problem gets derailed. It doesn't sound as though the OP minds so much that the phone calls have become part of the agreement, but rather that all the phone calls are about pressure for something that isn't (and never was) part of the agreement. I think if you don't address that, it's going to come out in other ways that will impact the agreement as to phone calls---using caller ID to screen the calls and not returning them, for instance. We're all saying that boundaries have to be set. All I'm suggesting is that being direct, while it might be briefly difficult for both, is preferable to avoiding the phone calls altogether and leaving bmom wondering why.

All due respect, but I think there's a significant difference between an explanation of why the bmom's behavior makes the OP WANT to avoid the phone calls and a threat that she is no longer going to accept them and thus isn't going to honor the agreement. Clearly, we are coming at this from different perspectives and our own experiences are going to color them. I've figured out that w/ H's birthfamily, I have to be pretty direct about boundaries, which is certainly how I intend that suggestion to the OP. I just think it's worse to let it go unspoken and instead just begin to avoid the phone calls altogether.

I'm not sure how old your ds is, but your ds's birth mom is still grieving. She is the one who carried him and gave him life, she is the one who gave him a gift of parents who she thought were best for him. She is the one who went through the pain of child birth, she is the one who went through all the hormonal and emotional changes that naturally occur and she is the one who is left empty handed. Instead of thinking about you you you, try to think about her, and also about your ds. How will he feel someday if he knows you were upset because his bmom wanted to see more of him? I'm not trying to sound harsh and hope I don't. I am also not saying you didn't stick to your word or anything. Life isn't about contracts and adoption isn't about contracts either. It's about the child and all involved need to remember that. I'm not saying fly out all the time and see her, but don't beat around the bush either. Just tell her, like others have suggested, this is hanging over our head and we need to discuss it like the adults that we are. Be compassionate. She's hurting more than any of us adoptive parents (and I am one) can imagine. Boundaries are necessary at times, but harsh meanness never is. So please think carefully about what you will say to her and how you will say it.

I think it's important to talk to her and tell her your concerns and feelings in a kind and gentle way. The problem is that you've held your tounge too much and you have to give her the opportunity to see how you feel and time to process it and change her behavior. while I understand how your comment was meant as sharing your feelings and hoping for better communication....it could be interpreted as a threat. Which in your case would be far from appropriate seeing that you have never given her the opportunity to know how you feel and change. There may come a time when such a tone would be needed but this is not the time for that. Try and look at it from a different perspective. What a wonderful blessing that your daughters birthmom enjoys communicating with you and not only her birthchild. What a blessing that she pictures you part of her family and wants to spend time with you. It sounds like your child has a wonderful birthmom, many adoptive families would love to have such a relationship with their childs birthmom. But to make that relationship better for you you do need to speak up about what you want and don't want. You kinda sound like me. I hold things in just like you (for too long). I don't like conflict and avoid it at all costs...until things eat away at me and something that may seem so little built up by all the other things I've held onto just kinda erupts. I still struggle with it but i'm trying to addrees issues as they come up rather than hold onto them and ignore them and it does help. Just remember to look at the long run. What kind of relationship you want to have with her as your child grows into adulthood and for the rest of your life. She will always be a very special person in your childs life. Try not to burn any bridges of friendship with her. Having a positive relationship with her yourself will help your child to fill loved and accepted in all areas of his life.

Well, we have tried almost everything now and not much of a response. We had previously tried sending tons of photos including a photo album i made for her of our visits together and sending her cards from our son and from us on holidays. We even had her social worker check in with her to see how things were going so that we would not be in the uncomfortable position of addressing some of our issues given that we know she must be grieving, but her responses to the social worker and subsequent actions were totally inconsistent. So, finally we had a conversation with her about the pressure and just reiterated how we reached agreement on the number of visits and why and acknowledged that we understood her desire to see our son more. Although she hasn't pressured us since, which has been a relief to us, i don't think that conversation has helped us build a successfull relationship for our child. There wasn't the slightest acknowledgment on her part that it may be inappropriate to ask for visits all the time even though we discussed it at length before the adoption and during the time we spent with her after our son was born. Realtionships require all parties to put in the work for them to be successful. And although i can't even imagine the grief that a birthparent goes through and i don't imagine that ever fully goes away, I would like to tell all of you birthparents that it is very difficult being the adoptive parents in an open adoption, particularly when it does not feel like someone is being respectful of you. Although i completely agree that it is really hard to reduce your needs and feelings into a contract, particularly when you don't know what those needs are, those contracts nevertheless reflect the terms by which all parties agreed to the adoption and they need to be respected by all parties, not just the adoptive parents. Some birthparents have stated very clearly that they would not have chosen an adoptive family if they weren't comfortable with those terms and believed that the adoptive family would honor those terms. Well, the same holds true for some of us adoptivce parents. As much as we love our son, we would not have agreed to this open adoption if we knew that the birthmother had no intentions of honoring our agreement. We were very open and honest with her and with our adoption agency because we wanted to make sure we had a good fit rather than just trying to adopt a baby as quickly as possible. We hope these issues disappear and that our son will experience the love that we all share for him, but right now i really have my doubts

For any relationship to be successful, there must be three things present:1. Love2. Respect3. TrustThe least important of these three is love, for it waxes and wanes with time.It's like a 3 legged stool - one leg may be weak or missing, you can balance for a time until it gets stronger or is replaced. Two legs missing and you don't have a stool.In the immediate post placement period, powerful forces are at work. You have new parents overwhelmed by the task of new parenting, still unsure and a bit frightened by the whole thing, wondering if this child will ever really think of them as Mom and Dad. You've got a woman, newly given birth, whose body is screaming hormonally for a child that isn't there, swelling and leaking and reshaping itself for a child that is not present. Socially, she may be getting a lot of horrified looks, because despite all of history, nobody can seem to fathom giving up a child. You've got a newborn, who, despite everybody's hopes and worries and such, does not care much, pretty well wants to eat and sleep and have that wet diaper changed NOW. Yes, I'm aware of all the research about early infant bonding and grieving and it's all true. It's just on a DTD basis what nobody tells you is that infants are pretty demanding creatures and in that constant demand, there is not a lot of grace on their part. So, amongst the adults here, we have some behavior that may seem less than respectful, and we have some behavior that may not have engendered trust. It's not just on one person's part, either. That's not an accusation, it is an observation. Fortunately, none of these is catastrophic in nature, so far.So here's what I'd say. Be gentle. Be patient. Maintain your boundaries with grace. Because one day your son may decide to renegotiate the terms of your open adoption agreement with his bfamily. He may decide he wants to see his bmom more often, or speak with her on the phone. And while, yes, you're the legal parent, it is his connection you are guarding. Try to restrict that, based on an agreement about him he had no say in, and you may find that it backlashes on you in ways you would never want. Beyond honoring the terms of an agreement, you must above all honor your commitment to this child: that he have a relationship with his bfamily, that he like every other child should has access to all the parts of who he is - his genetic, social, biological, medical, familial, social and enviornmental history. Some of that is from you. Some from them. I often think open adoption offers a great parenting skill: patience. It is something I was sorely lacking in. Now that I'm a mom to Mr. 4 year old confident young man I recognize that I was lucky in that I learned patience both in the 'becoming parents' process and in the 'developing parents and relationships' process. You also learn flexibility, another great skill in the world of parenting, because, well, children have their own minds. I'm often reminded of what a good friend told me once 'parenting is about hearing your child's song and singing it back to them'. Not totally relavent to this discussion. I have found it completely true.So, be gentle. Be good. Be trustworthy. Be respectful. Be patient. Be with grace in all that you do. And remember, this is not about you or his bfamily. It's about him. One day you are answerable to all that you do for him, with him, because of him. Be sure you'll be proud of the answers you will give.Best,Regina

There is a lot of talk about aparents not living up to their "Agreements" - but very little about bparents not living up to the agreement. In my case not only has the bmom NOT followed through on the visitation contract - but she has also abused us by filing repeated motions against us (which yes, we do win in court because the allegations are so crazy). But we have to continue to pay attorney fees while she gets free legal aid - and she has been the one who has not followed through. As aparents we have complied with EVERY ASPECT of the agreement - and she has NOT. But she has used the agreement to keep litigation ongoing and to create severe disruption in our lives. These contracts and agreements are expected to be abided by the aparents but it is NOT RIGHT that the bmom does not have to (she is a juvenile). THIS is why visitation agreements and contracts are not always in the best interest of the child. Aparents - be very careful in open adoption agreements or contracts - you can really be hurt by them. Yes, I know some work out beautifully - and for that I am grateful.

Christie - If she keeps bringing meritless claims against you have you thought about bringing an action to terminate her rights under your agreement. Most courts are very deferential to adoptive parents. I don't see how her constant suits against you are in your child's best interest and ultimatley you need to take care of your child and yourselves. I do agree that adoptive parents need to be wary of open adoption agreements as do birthparents. The more you can communicate up front the better and both parties need to respect the terms of the agreement thereafter. In my opinion it's a tough dynaminc since at the beginning the birth parents have all the legal rights but once their revocation period has expired all of those rights shift to the adoptive parents. The child's best interest always seem to be in danger of being lost

Yes, I have the option of filing against HER - but would prefer not to. First, she has free legal aid (5! lawyers) and it costs us a fortune! Second - even though this has been ongoing for four years somehow I still keep hoping she will grow up, mature, and do the right thing. Wishful thinking perhaps.

You can build a relationship outside of the terms of the agreement. Maybe you need to try and modify her rights the next time she sues you so that she understands the consequences of her actions. In my opinion simply responding to her actions may not be enough to deter them. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Familyguyma, (I assume you are in MA...so am I). I am in an open adoption agreement with my DD's birth parents. Our agency had us sign the "standard" contract....which basically would have meant sending letters and pictures once a year once DD was 2 years old. After the baby was placed with us, DD's birth mom decided that she wanted to be updated quarterly and also have a yearly visit. This was something we DID NOT want to do (at the time), I think because as someone has said we felt so overwhelmed as it was, we wanted to be like everyone else ("normal" parents), etc. However, obviously at that point we agreed because we loved DD so much. Anyway, on our own, we went to visit DD's birth mom when DD was six weeks old. After the visit, DD's birth mom wanted to exchange email addresses and I (mostly because of DH's wishes) said that I did not feel comfortable with that. Now some may say that that is "cruel," but to me email implies "daily communication," something I really was not prepared to do. (by the way, I really care about DD's birth mom, and couldn't ask for a kinder, more wonderful person). We recently had our annual visit and it went EXTREMELY well (so much so that DH and I thought about broaching more frequent visits, etc.). At the end, however, birth mom said, "It was great to see you....See you next year...I know how well DD is doing and I was so nervous about today, but now I feel better." I tell you all this because the open adoption stuff is sooo fluid. There may be times when you feel overwhelmed with it. There may be times that you WANT more contact and birth mom shuts it down, etc. It is really, really tough to navigate the waters, I know. And unfortunately no "contract" can cover all the bases. (DH always says, "we are doing everything we have to do per the contract," and I will say, "yeah, but I always want DD to think we treated her birth parents respectfully, abided by their wishes, etc.). DH (who is an adult adoptee from a closed adoption) worries so much about "issues" DD may have as a result of this openness. I told him that there are so many benefits to openness that we really should focus on those and embrace those. I am glad that you at least had a conversation with your son's birth mom where you laid out the issues. I hope that you are able to manage your relationship successfully for your family's sake. Good luck, K

I'm glad to see the thread is going back to the focus of the NEED on the part of the CHILD, not either parent (s).If you comply with a once a year and that was the agreement, then do that. Both sides knew that was the case and were fine with it.Wanting more and more from the bmother ( did I get that impression right?) is a sign that the bmother has not dealt with the reality that she will no longer be parenting, even on a "part-time" level.Perhaps she needs some counsilling on "letting go".I would hate to think that at the heart of all thing, the child would suffer confusion. "who IS ( are) my parents?"I believe in honestly, and if you have to tell the bmother ( gently BUT FIRMLY) that you will, OF COURSE, send the yearly pictures and have the ONCE A YEAR visits but, that is all, she will have to accept that, and if she can't, seek out some therapy.oh well, just my opinion .dmca

thanks for the comments. I completely agree that we can't expect her to let go - i could never do that. For us, it's all about respect. We have gone well beyond the terms of our agreement and frankly i don't mind communicating with her by email which doesn't feel intrusive to me if that helps her know that her baby is well and that she made a good choice for him. But, when every form of communication results in a request for more visits even though we discussed at length the number of visits, then it makes communication really difficult because we don't feel like our agreement is respected just like a birthparent would be upset if an adoptive parent didn't honor the agreement. We have had a bunch of other experiences that i have chosen not to post here in the unlikely event that our son's birthmother reads this site that have made our situation even more difficult but we try very hard to keep an open mind because at this point none of us yet know the type of relationship that our son will want with his first family. I know some adoptive parents don't follow through on their promises, but i hope that some of these posts help birthparents understand what adoptive parents may be feeling. i feel like we have an obligation to honor the commitments we make, but the relatiopnship requires work on both parties and i really think people shouldn't expect more than the commitments that people have made. If a succesful relationship is built and more communication develops i would think that would benefit the child and both families, but it shouldn't be forced.