walk away from adoptive family

I think what I am feeling is a natural pull-back from a-family. They had a bio-daughter. Conceived her 3 months after I was given to them. Probably BECAUSE I was given to them. Stress over not having a child of their own was the reason they werent conceiving. But you know there were REAL issues. And how dare someone invailidate those. REAL issues related to the adoption. Not normal stuff. You cant just take being adopted out of the equation. You wanna know what my a-mom told me when I said I had hired the intermediary...." I dont know if I would waste my money looking for someone who just gave me away." nose all snarled up, just mean. I did have a normal life. with normal parent child issues. I give a-parents credit for doing the best they knew how. but still, I would have rather gone through ALL of that with my REAL parents. Why did they really want me? To ease THEIR pain. not to help a little orphan. I'm glad I could help them have a child of their own biology. Fine. At least I had a purpose. but you cant tell me that after wanting a bio baby for soooo long, and settling on me, that when they got pregnant so quickly, there wasnt a little regret. I was never treated the same as thier daughter. Not even intentionally, but everyone could see it.

I'm on your side with this whole thing wereeves. My aparents are now telling me that they are supportive but my amom won't talk to me. My adad is being selfish of his needs. I totally understand how you feel. My amom couldn't conceive and she put all of her own pain, guilt, anger, and resentment for who I was and what I represented, on me growing up. Our relationship was completely destroyed by the time I turned 18. I have tried for years to put my feelings aside and accomodate them, and now that I'm in reunion with my bmom--who wanted desperately NOT to give me away, but was forced--I finally know what unconditional love really is. You need to do what you need to do for you. Your a-parents had the chance to bond with you the way a parent should bond with the child, and they didn't . One time my amom said to me about my brother wanting to search for his bio-fam, "I just don't know WHY he would want to do that." This isn't about them anymore, it's about you and what you want. Be respectful, but put yourself first.

Adoptive parents often have attitudes like that back-fire on them. That's a cruel, unfair and unjustified comment for an an adoptive parent to make. It shows me that your adoptive mom is insecure, among other things, and I think it is quite revealing about the kind of person she is to make such a remark. Sometimes adoptees do walk away from adoptive parents at reunion - often for just awhile time - sometimes forever. I think some pulling back may be natural. If an adoptee wants to totally cut off all contact with adoptive parents, I think it has to be extremely rare for them to not have some strong reasons to do so. Reunion involves mainly the two parties involved, and everyone else does have to take a back seat at least for awhile. That's normal I think. I agree with Whitsunday, be respectful to your adoptive parents, (good or bad they are still your parents or at least one set), but reunion is a time to put yourself first. Your adoptive parents have had you most of your life - now's it's time for them to share. Some adoptive parents do not do that well. So be it. Trust your own judgment, only you know what your adoptive parents deserve. Just make sure that whatever you decide is not something you may regret later. I guess I feel respect is earned - that one remark your amom made certainly doesn't earn her much respect in my book. Birth or adoptive parents need to earn respect and love - it is not always an automatic IMHO. I hate the idea of cutting off contact with any parents unless they are too harmful to your life. It is sad to walk away from either family, but, who can say whether it is justified or not. Sad too that your aparents seemed to treat you second best. Only you can decide - you know your situation best - everyone else is just speculating.

I think we all have said hurtful things at one time or another. Sometimes we say things out of fear or anger or feelings of rejection. When you say you want to look for your birthmom it raises a rejection flag that adoptive parents have to deal with. I never said any hurtful words like the ones I read above but I have felt rejection. When my daughter said she never felt happier since she found her birthmom it sent a strong hurtful pain in my heart as I tried so hard to make her happy. On the other hand my girls have said many hurtful things to me such as, "Your not my REAL mother!" When you sense your child feels they don't fit in, it is a sign of rejection. It hurts. Sometimes an adoptive parent may put up a wall for fear of more painful rejection. A hard angry wall. Not to say it is right but it is for survival. We are NOT perfect. None of us are. We all have a responsibility in a relationship. Each of us played a part in making or breaking a relationship. ALL of us should have a validation of our feelings. My feelings are just as important as yours. My girls are MY girls. It didn't matter whether they came from me or not. The bond I feel for each girl is strong and deep. Two of my daughter's came to us at 11 and 12. It is as if they came as newborns. I DON"T care whether they are biological or not. I love them. I am pretty much the only adoptive mother in reunion here and it is hard sometimes to read the many posts. I feel alone but I have to show another side.

I used to say that to my mom after my brother was born. I'm adopted, he's not. Since then, Mom and I have gotten close, I think it was because when people found out, including adults, would tell me that Austin wasn't my real brother and my parents weren't my real parents. I was raised knowing that Lynda gave me up with love and it was the hardest thing she had to do. People would tell me that Lynda was a horrible person and didn't love me. It was hard at first, but it's ok now. We're best friends now.Lynda found me a couple years ago and since then I've been also talking to her daughters, mostly Liz. A few weeks ago Liz informed me that Lynda was hurt that I didn't call her Mom and other people in her adoptive parent forum are being called Mom by their biological children. I just don't feel right doing that. Mom is a special word that I just can't throw around, if you know what I mean. She says that she's hurt but she's not obsessing over it. I don't talk about her like she is my mom, her kids are my siblings, or anything like that. I acknowledge that we're family through blood, is it wrong that I don't call them my "family"?

You know, i feel for everyone involved. No i'm not at adoptee but if i was I would want to know who my bparents were and probably get to know them but i would hope that i would never belittle what my parents did for me (i'm not saying anyone here is). My 6 year old just told my son inlaw this weekend that he didn't come from my belly and that i wasn't his real mom. Yes, it cut like a knife but what cut even deeper was when i talked to him about it and saw the confusion and hurt in his eyes. I did the unthinkable, the very thing that so often on this forum says not to do...I LIED TO HIM. He wanted to know if his mom did bad things and what kind of bad things and i told him that she loved him very much and just couldn't provide for him so she found him a mom and dad who could. While it relieved him, to think his mom had not done bad things, i also think it just intensified the need and desire to find his "real mom" and I wonder if he'll grow up and decide to "walk away" from the family who loves him more than life itself and will continue to love him regardless of his decision. My oldest daughter told me that when she was a growing up she always thought i loved her sister more (neither are adopted) she said it was part of growing up, she said there were times she didn't feel like she fit in. Since i've been on these forums, i've heard how you should let the child know from the start they are adopted. He's been with us a year today and sometimes i wish i hadn't told him that he has another mother out there because he seemed so much happier when he didn't know. I'm sorry, i seemed to have gotten off the path, I guess what i'm trying to say is as parents, most of us do our best whether adoptive or biological, but we make mistakes and we say some really dumb things when we are hurt, kids do too, I guess my opinion would be to really, really think about the whole picture and try to put yourself in each persons shoes and make the decision that is best. I'm learning, because i have to, that it is possible for someone to love a lot of people, whether they deserve it or not.

Hi there, I'm half adopted so I guess I can give a pretty good opinion on this.... I'm in reunion with my bdad for 3 months...and I can feel the pull-back from my family big time. But really its because they are so unsupportive and have said hundreds of very hurtful things about bdad and about me for making this decision. They have gone so far to make fun of my "innate need" to find my birthfather and say that I'm a drama queen, etc. The past couple of months, since becoming very close with my bfamily (paternal) I have also had a strange sense of family. When someone references my father as my Adad, I cringe, not intentional, but it gives me a slightly sick feeling in my stomach....and I think it comes from being forced to live a "lie" all my life. Now before I get slammed for that one....I was never allowed to tell anyone I was half-adopted...even though I was 5 when it happened. I was told that it was shameful and none of my business and to get out of my fantasy world and forge ahead with life...NOT SUPPORTED AT ALL IN MY FEELINGS TO THIS DAY! its a real shame because I feel that I could walk away.... i don't want to...but I feel that I could. I was not chosen by my Adad as some adopted babies are, I was merely his new wife's daughter....and yes, he wanted to adopt me when they got married, but they did have my sister and she was always treated as the "golden child" and everyone in my family knows it. She isn't speaking to me (been a couple of months now) because she says I'm destroying the family by being in contact with my bdad, who she refers to as a drunken loser....(which is not true). So I guess what I'm trying to say is that reunion definitely messes with your sense of family....I think some of it has to do with feeling that pull towards your bfamily and trying to experience as much of it as possible. At least in my case anyway. good luck and keep posting so that you don't make any rash decisions....by the way, therapy helps with this stuff big time!

This is my take on it. As an adoptee that di find bmother and always felt my afamily was my "family", as well as understanding that there may be areas in my birthfamily that I may connect with. You can never as an adoptee...IMO...be totally and completly part of a family the way non aadoptees are...it just a faact. Before everyones jumps on me hear me out. As an adoptee, even in the best of families we will never have the genetic link that others have. The blood is thicker then water attiudes comes from that. The family history, while very intersting is not really mine...the gentic traits are not there, the genitc strenghts and weakness are not there....if we came from a good adoptive family, for some of us the faact that I did have a good family(one not without problems...all families have problems) outweighs the loss..i.e. the safety, sercurity and stability I recieved.oh and the love.....outweighs the loss of knowing the genetics. But I will never know that geneitc bond that others live with everyday.....I accept that....my decnt life outweighs me having that. On the flip side, finding my birthmom may have made me able to expeiance somewhat of a feeling of seeing someone that has my "blood" and genes and I did, and do enjoy seeing that. But I will never bbe a total part of that familyits a fact..no matter how loving and open...no matter how much I am accepted. It will NEVER be the same as growing up in a family, creating memories(for the good or the bad)and sharing the innocent, childhood experiances that define some families relationships. I grew up with 3 other siblings...all adopted...it was with them and my parents that I came of age.it was them that I babysat, fought with, colored with, played school with, fought somemore . Who better to try out ones new skills of karate then your little brother????When mom and dad were not home of course!! So basically as adoptees I beleive we have to accept that..in our reunons you may find "family" but it will never replace your childhood..it can't....its already past. If you want you can forge new relationships but nothing will rreplace your childhood...ever..... Nobodys perfect and the grass is not always greener on the other side.

dpen6 - very well put. and thanks for shedding some light on a sensitive issue.

dpen6- I agree. As an adoptee I feel the same. I mean, as a child you tell people you were adopted, because in my family it was never hidden or something to be ashamed of, but also it wasn't the first thing you said- it wasn't how we wanted to be addressed, but then other children freak out. Adults gasp. Adult friend's of mine now are shocked. Like it's some tragic hidden hideous thing. So anyone else who knows continues to create that sense of distance, of not belonging, and puts their own fears on you as well as your own, in a way. My brother and grandmother are not interested in my new reunion with my birthmother. My grandparents, in fact when I was a baby, introduced me as my parents', "adopted daughter" and made sure it was clear that my older brother was "their real child." My parents quickly put an end to them referring to me (at least around them) that way. The whole, "blood thicker than water" thing. And now, my grandmother who adores me and feels I am such an important part of the family doesn't want to admit or hear that I came from another family. Nor does my brother. Once, when I was child I screamed at my mother and father, "You're not my real parents!" and called them by their first names for effect. Oh, the power of those words. I could taste them bubbling up inside my little body before they came to my lips. I couldn't push them down. I knew it was wrong to say. And yet also true in a way. I quickly ran to my room before they could scold me or react and closed the door and wept. I remember their stunned faces to this day. I think any and all feelings we all have, any hurt and anger, are all valid. I also feel that I wouldn't be who I am without my adoptive family. Or without my birth family genes. Without all the people and friends I've made- whom I almost certainly never would've met if I had stayed with my first family. So I encourage you to think about that. About any love and good relationships or good triumphs in your life, and know that by disowning your adoptive family you are relinquinshing ownership to all of those things in your life. And I bet a lot of people you've met over the years would be so very sad to have never had you in your life. dpen6 said something about all those memories- how you can't undo them- and I agree- just like our adoptive families can never erase our first families- no matter what they say or leave unsaid- we can never erase our adoptive families- regardless of how well we fit with either family- and depn6 said how we might always feel like we don't really fit with either family- that's kind of the feeling I'm getting lately- like I get to stand between 2 worlds sort of thing- look at who I might have been- who I am- and get to continue the neverending process of weaving all those stories together. I encourage you to be kind and patient with yourself. There's a lot for you think about. Best wishes.

I totally know how you feel when it comes to feeling like you're on the outside, even though you are a "part of" your adoptive family. I never really had issues with my a-dad when he was alive but once I turned 18 things with my a-mom have been on the rocks. They've been really rough this year after my a-dad passed away. I tried to be there for her but she wasn't always respectful to my needs so, I moved in w/my boyfriend and his family to get away from the mental and emotional abuse. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message or email me at anytime. I know all too well what it is you're going through, so I can definitely relate! *hugs*

I am surprised that they were "stunned" or even surprised. That's a VERY common thing for a kid to say to their parents if they happen to be adopted. It's right up there with "I hate you," "I wish I was never born" and "You like (fill in the blank) better than me." I have 4 adopted cousins and my aunts who are their parents tell me they ALL said it at some point. So do kids being raised by step-parents. I have actually expected to hear it out of my son's mouth at least once. But he's 15 and hasn't said it yet, though I have gotten the infamous "I hate you so much" in the middle of a fight. Kids who are angry say things like that to get a rise out of their parents. I opt not to play the game -- when I got the I hate you comment, I merely said, "I'm sure you do right now." And BTW, wew were actually asked iin our pre-adoption workshop what we'd say to a kid who say "You are not my real mom" -- so it's obviously an expected thing. I'm sure your parents got over it...

I so agree..my brother did the same thing..do bio parents become stunned when a child says "wish I was adopted"....kids will say anthing at times..they have no clue as to how it feels to parents, they don't have that ability yet...they are just angry at that point. I have heard I hate you, I have heard, wish I lived with so and so, I have heard....why can't be like so and so mother....I don't get hurt....I always point out though.....that I don't compare you to other kid, I love you the way you are...DON"T COMPARE ME TO OTHER PARENTS.....

With all the turmoil me and mine went through when at 15yo I found my bmum. And the subsequent actions and reactions to that.I re-defined for myself what the word family means. I still re-define it when ever I feel the need, I have afriend who is so special to me that she is family, yet I have a bbrother whose presence I wont tolerate so he isn't family. I dont judge my family on ties be they blood or adoption, its all based on how and who I love.I reckon its the only way I managed to stay sane..

For some people blood is thicker than water. I’m sorry you have experienced this, but everyone is different. It would’ve been nice if she had simply chosen to include them in her life and also include you, not walking away from you completely. I personally, feel very strong connection to my blood family, and feel in need to always have them in my life.But again, everyone is different. You know you loved her and did everything right by her so just be at peace with no one you did all you could. Hopefully she’ll come around.