Anybody ever wish they didn't find/meet their bmom?

WOW! So nice to hear something great about adoptive parents. We do exist:) Thanks for taking the time to speak up for your inlaws. So many times we don't share the good, just the bad. I'm sorry your husband had his fantasy parents evaporate, so to speak, that's what i worry about with my son when he grows up. Sounds like your husband has a wonderful support system with his afamily and you.

[font=Arial][/font] [font=Arial]It seems your husband had a wonderful family. On the other hand, for his birth mother -- her mother died when she was an infant then she was sent to live in an orphanage by her father. Then at 16 she lost a child to adoption...I think I read this was also forced by her father? With all this, I'm sure she's lived with a depth of sorrow and suffering in her life most people, including your husband (who had a good life), may not have any understanding for. If she is the one who made up that story about the bfather abandoning her while pregnant with him (it's not totally clear but social workers DID very often make things up in those days) ...that is wrong. I think lies are wrong and harmful, period. I can understand him being angry at this. However I also think the woman herself, is being overly judged, which is also wrong. A lot of how we live is from what we've learned from early on, or if we've had or not had opportunities for help and healing later on. She doesn't seem to have had the same blessings of family life as your husband has had, and over the years may have self-medicated her feelings with drugs and alcohol barring any real help from others, or even knowing how to help herself. Maybe a little more empathy (which he did originally have towards her) could help stem his anger, in time. It goes back to the old cliche, try stepping into the other's shoes.[/font]

From what we know, her adoptive family was also a loving family. They were in a position many parents find themselves with rebellious teenagers though I think - just at the end of their ropes and without a clue what to do.The bmother DID experience a lot of grief and loss in her life. I think deep down my husband understands that, but all he can deal with at this point is that she "let him down" by not being all that he had hoped for.He has been in some pretty ugly shoes himself by the way, in spite of having a wonderful family, so he's not without understanding of suffering.

I haven't read all this thread but would like to jump in anyway. I am a first mum who wishes I had never found my son. He has had a good life, good education, comes across as as a nice young man but I have seen the ugly side of him. He virtually stalked me for months on the interenet, plagued me with text messages and was very demanding. I was expected to answer any question no matter how personal it was yet two years down the line our reunion has broken down. I did my best in this time to give him what he wanted yet gradually over time he has twisted thing to make out I have been the demanding one an that he is the one he was trying to make reunion work.

That's a pity. I am sorry to hear that.

I agree that is very sad to hear. Even in less than good circumstances it would be nice to hear eveyone walked away satisfied with something. I ended my reunion with my b-father by saying "I wish you the best but, never call me again"... I am still better for knowing the truth and meeting him. I wish your experiance had been more positive, I am glad though you are taking care of yourself.

I am 32, adopted and have known that basically all of my life. I found my birthmom and we no longer have contact, but I do not regret finding her. The only reason I think I would have any issues with my being adopted is if my parents had tried to hide it from me or told me when I was older, because then I would have felt like my life was a lie. They were always very open about it, and answered any questions that they could. I do think, however (and this is just my opinion) that I would have been very confused to have my birthmother in the picture growing up. I would tell your daughter that when she is old enough, you will give her the information and let her decide for herself to contact her. I know many adoptees who have no desire to find their birthparents. She has to make that decision, when she is old enough. At least that is my personal opinion.

Yes, I wish my Bmom never found me. I wasn't ready. She bombarded my life when I was 17. Trying to become an adult, go to college and find myself. She wasn't suppose to look for me until I was 18!She stepped in and tried to start where she left off. Being my mom. I didn't need a mom. I had one. I would have searched for her when I was ready. And I think the ending would have been more pleasant.My advice, let the adoptee go to the Bparents...not vice versa. It really matters when they are ready. It has taken me 7 years to get over the shock of her coming in to my life. I am now ready to try again. We'll see what happens. I am 26 now...I think the perfect age to start an adult relationship with my bparents. Janelle

Wow! That's very helpful to me. My daughter is only 18 months old (yes, I have a long way to go yet). But these thoughts do go through my mind. My husband is an adoptee. He says the same thing. It's nice to hear it from another adoptee :)

I'm sorry but I think your friend is incredibly shallow and insensitive.Mental illness is not something to be ashamed of. Its not like the poor woman went out and purposely got mentally ill. The illness is no different to other illnesses such as heart disease or diabetes. It's another illness that strickes people , whether they want it to or not.I wonder if your friend would not speak to someone or avoid someone because they are mentally ill and not be kind, generous and at least TRY to be human and give the person some small modicum of goodness. Seeing as she cannot do that for her birthmother, I doubt it.sorry, but, this chaps my bum. I think the birthmother is better off without such a child.dmca

I have seen that some amoms in open adoptions are both aware of and acknowledge the love the child's first mother has for the child, and will allow the knowledge of that love (through what is said to the child and how, and through nurturing an open relationship) to get through to the child. I believe in that case, alienation between the child and the first mom will be far less likely. This is nothing to be scared of. The child will learn love - to receive it and to give it. [url="http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/popup.pl?book=1Jo&chapter=4&verse=18&version=kjv"]1Jo 4:18[/url]There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

It's not something she ashamed of. But please know that any untreated mental illness (especially schizophrenia, & phychosis) could have harsh ramifications. One of my family members had untreated depression. It spiraled into a phychotic depression. When this person was not on her medication, she was paranoid. She became violent. She didn't know who anybody was. She eventually became catatonic. She was hospitalized several times. Each time she was given the correct anti phychotic/anti depressant medication. But still, she was always apt to forget a dose, or two etc. She had to be strictly monitored until the day she died. I should know. This was my mother. Now, imagine a parent who has the same or similar mental illness. Imagine this person doesn't take her medication (and refuses treatment). Then take into consideration this person has 2 young children. Do you honestly think this person can take care of 2 young children when she can't take care of herself?? Of course not! No child should be subjected to that kind of environment. In this case, the children are better off without her. Please know, there is always more that meets the eye when communicating through posts.

I'm very sorry I was so sharp in my reply.I just hope the girl finds time in her life to help out someone that suffers from mental illness or a sibling that is having to deal with a mother with mental illness. That would be the kind thing to do.Perhaps, it would be best for those that were adopted out to try to "keep it real". Not to have fairy tale expections. After reading of so many reunions , it would be wise, I should think to KNOW that some reunions go well, others are a disaster.We can only try to comfort those that had their reunions be a disaster. It certainly isn't anyone's fault and this is life, good bad and indifferent. Don't we ALL wish, birth parents, adopted parents and adoptees that things COULD and WOULD go well, where everyone is content. That is such a nice picture and we all wish it were true.I wish I could hug those whose reunions turned out to be a disaster or DO NOT CONTACT orders were issued.Please remember it's NOT YOUR FAULT. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Sometime life is just the pitts .I wish you all strength in adversity and comfort in times of pain and disappointment, Always KNOWING there is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You can NEVER be "abandoned". This world would change completely without you. YOur life and YOU have meaning, always remember that.dmca

Just so you know I am not the actual adoptee. We have been together for about 5 years. A few months ago I came across his bfamily. They are still together and have some other children. I knew that apart of him wanted to meet them and I didn't feel it was a secret I should keep especially because we live in the same town. When I told him he was so happy he wanted to meet them right away. Everything went well the first couple weeks he was with them everyday and they talked on the phone for hours all time catching up. As we got to know them we realized they both have a pretty heavy drinking problem and he learned that his bfather has a drug problem. They also seem to have a hard time telling the truth about things. There is also a sister in high school. She expects him to see her everyday and when he isn't there she is texting him. It is so bad she wakes him up in the middle of the night to talk to her every single night. Even when he says "I am getting off the phone I am having dinner" she will start texting. If he doesn't talk to her she gets mad and says some pretty hurtful things. He has expressed to me how he she hurts him but he feels bad for her having to live with her parents. The bmother won't tell her family about him and he is having a really hard time dealing with that. Especially when all of the other children are very close with her family. To make things worse a few weeks ago she asked to borrow a large some of money from us. He loaned it to her and of course we haven't seen a penny. It is so hard watching him do everything to try to make everyone happy and they don't seem to care about his feelings. He talks to me about how they hurt him so bad but he keeps going back. The bmother will even call him sometime to talk down about his bfather and even has said that his bfather talks bad about him. He is getting to a point where he sleeps all the time and I truly think he is going through some depression he has pretty much shut out his amother since all of this has begun. He has also begun drinking alot. I have offered to get him someone to talk to because he doesn't want to talk to anyone about everything. He tells me somethings but I know there is alot more. Does anyone have any advice this is very difficult.

Lying and denying is never the way to go through life anyway. I found out by accident that I was adopted at the age of 40! I didn't take it very well. I can relate to the bmom from hell, too...except she's not MY bmom, she's my hubby's. I was reunited with my bfamily back in 2001 after 47 years of being apart and it was wonderful (and continues to be). Boyed with this experience we got into searching for my hubby's bfamily. Found out his bfather was already dead, but his bmom is alive and on second marriage. She freaked out when we contacted her. Told us NEVER to contact her again (and we haven't). However, we were able to contact my hubby's sibs (eventually). They were delighted and we've developed a nice relationship. They all think it's awful that she's taken such a stance. It really has hurt my hubby to be rejected again. But we both agree it's better knowing who you really are. We appreciate both our blood & adoptive kin...we are all family. No conditions. Barb