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My husband is adopting my 11-year old daughter. The final hearing for adoption was today. The judge called my daughter into her chambers and asked her if she wanted to change her name. (She has my maiden name, the birthfather was never involved and is not on the birth certificate, he signed consent to adoption form.)My daughter said no. So the judge promised her that she would do the adoption and not change her last name. Then she came back into the courtroom and signed the adoption paperwork, but informed us that we would need to take my daughter to counseling to "adjust" to the name change, and re-scheduled another court date for the legal name change to 2 days before school starts. (2 months from now). I thought in the state of Oklahoma that the child had no choice until age 14. Also, our attorney said the judge had never taken a child into chambers before during an adoption hearing, that this was quite unusual. And for her to give my daughter false hope that her name would not be changed seems wrong.Also, I asked for the opportunity to tell my daughter her options - whether to change her name now, or see a counselor and change it in 2 months, the judge wouldn't let me see her. Is this normal? Is it legal for the judge to behave this way? My daughter is freaking out now because the judge promised her one thing and she found out that the judge scheduled something different. She does not want to see a counselor and she thinks the judge lied to her. Is there anything we can do?
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In Oklahoma the name change is a seperate motion and is not required for the adoption. It is not necessary to change her name and, in all honesty, if she doesn't want it changed I see no reason to do it. Check you paperwork and see but I'm assuming the adoption part is complete...or did he put that off until he hears the motion on the name change? If the adoption motion has been finalized, I would just withdraw the motion for name change...or show up that day and tell him she is not interested in the name change. ETA: from what I've observed...In Oklahoma, the judges tend to start asking the child's opinion when they reach the age of 10. That's not to say they get final say, but they do ask them.
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Considering you can name your child "Tooth Fairy" (last name fairy) if you really want to (at least at birth), I just can't imagine why the judge should have ANY say in what your daughter's last name is. That should be a separate motion, and I would hope at that age would reflect your child's desires. If your child has always grown up with your maiden name as her last name, that is part of her identity and there should be no reason to change it if she doesn't want to. My older kids have their dad's last name, and though I would like to change it to my own last name sometimes, they are attached to it and identify with it and I won't change it for their sake.
I thought that this was the choice of the parents, not the child. At this point, my child is using this experience to show that she has "power" over the law and can get the judge to do whatever she wants, regardless of what her parents say. I'm sure the judge's intent was not to do this, but in effect she is saying that we as parents have no rights in this matter and that the child is in control. As difficult as changing your last name is, I think this is the best thing for our family and it is something we have been preparing my daughter for over the last 5 years, since my husband and I were married. She has had plenty of time to adjust to the change. I don't view her last name as part of her identity, and changing it is not going to change the person that she is. However, I do feel that it creates more family unity now as she enters middle school, and in the future when our younger daughter (who's last name is the same as mine and my husband's) grows up. For the judge to take this action regardless of the parent's wishes in this case was wrong.
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I just re-read your post and I apologize for mis-interpreting parts of it the first time around. With all due respect, have you tried talking to your daughter about why she is opposed to a last-name change? A name change IS a big deal (esp since all of her friends know her as whatever her last name is now). I do understand your wanting to "have a sense of untiy" within your family. But if someone told me at 11 that I was going to be Jane Salaz instead of Jane Smith, I might be opposed to that as well. Whether or not YOU identify her with that last name, she may very well identify HERSELF with that last name. I've had the same last name all of my life, I did not change it to my ex's last name. I have really thought about whether I would change it to someone ELSE'S last name if I got married again. If your daughter was just asserting control where she could and really does want to change her last name, then I say go for it. IF, however, she does not want to change her last name, I *personally* (disclaimer that this is just what *I* would do, not what YOU have to do) would not change it. After all, if she is the same person no matter what, why force her to change her name if she doesn't want to (and potentially create even more friction than that you are trying to avoid by changing her name)? Either way, I'm sure you'll do what is best for your family.
In adoption, especially stepparent adoption, it is not what is best for the family when it comes to decisions such as these, it is what is best for the child. If your daughter is truly opposed to changing her last name, then why bother? If she is comfortable with still having a different last name, then let it be. Afterall, you could always have it changed later on if she decides on it. Counseling is an excellent way to find out the reasons that your daughter has to being opposed to changing her name. Perhaps she is afraid of being teased at school for changing her name. Maybe she just likes the way one sounds over the other, whatever her reasons are, she has a right to feel them, and she should at this point, have some say on what she will be writing at the top of her school papers everyday. She has had a long time to get used to her name as it is now, that is a large adjustment for a child to make, and just because you feel that five years is enough time to get used to it, does not mean that your daughter feels the same way as well. You cannot put a time limit on adjustment, for yourself or anyone else. Just as you cannot say how long is appropriate to grieve the loss of a person, you cannot know how long it will take for her to grieve the lost of her last name, of the past, of herself as she has identified with for as long as she can remember. If and when she is ready to change her last name, should be when her last name is changed.
I just read this and my first thought was "how sad" for your little girl. We are in the process of my dh adopting our dd. If she wanted to keep the name she was born with that would be up to her. Part of why we are doing this is for her to have my dh's last name, at her request. She has asked for this since she was 5 years old and first noticed it when she went to school. HOWEVER, and I mean this, if for any reason she did not want this to happen we would not change her name. My dd is 10 years old, she is old enough that she will remember this as an adult, resentment during an adoption does not sound like a memory a child should have. I also feel that where possible, especially for girls, it is important that they do not feel cut off or rejected from their bio fathers anymore then they already do. I know many bio fathers have already done this, perhaps loosing the name is just a bigger peice of them being taken from their fathers? Obviously I do not know your individual situation but sounds like, from a very limited observation, she needs counseling. I can't imagine at 11 if your dd feels this strongly that forcing her will help your relationship or family. Could she be hurting, or feeling rejected by her bio father? Could part of her greiving be that she is now angry and feeling controlled and as a normal almost teenager she is pushing back? I would consider counceling not only for her but for you as well to come to terms with why she feels the way that she does.
"She has my maiden name, the birthfather was never involved and is not on the birth certificate, he signed consent to adoption form." If your daughter is currently using your maiden name, what is the problem of her keeping it? If she were using her BF's last name and she felt no animosity towards him, then I can see her reason for wanting to keep it. But since he's not in the picture why not let her keep something that obviously means something to her. I don't agree with the judge saying one thing to your daughter and then doing something else in the courtroom. However, I do agree with everyone else who has said that counseling isn't a bad idea. What could go wrong with a couple of counseling sessions? You just might learn something new and it might improve your relationship with your daughter. I'm not saying it's a bad relationship, but what harm can come from counseling? I do think that changing the name of a child is indeed a huge issue. Especially for a girl who is in that pre-adolescent stage. Right now her identity is pretty shaky. She's just starting to figure out who she is. A name change is bigger than you think it is. Family unity is not caused by a name change. It's what you do together as a family how you treat each other that makes a united family. I don't mean to cause any negative feelings, but it seems that the name change issue is pretty controversial.
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