Foster MONSTER!! I met one today!

Omg how sad.. a diaper at 6 & 8, thats enough to crush any childs spirits and self esteem, thats aweful...Man thats like a sick individual...I agree with someone on here...dont give away your only copy...yikes thats scarey, I am very numb and tingly...poor babies!!

Wow the diaper thing is really out of line. But, I don't think the others are really that bad or that unusual are they? Please help me if I am on the wrong track becuase I don't think I am a monster and I love my children and wouldn't want them to think I am a monster. I am serious, please give me your thoughts. 1. Toilet Paper. When my children came they used a half a roll of paper everytime they wen't to the bathroom. I had many clogged toilets. I told them to keep it down to about 4 squares. I don't measure. Is that bad? 2. Carrying a pen around: Well I don't carry a pen around but I do tally in my head. When the children have been warned and don't change their behaivor they go to time out. Isn't that what the lady is describing in her own words here? 3. Certian chairs for meals. We all have our own spots for dinner. The childrens chairs are covered in plastic because they still spill a lot. They also use plastic plates and glasses instead of china because they drop them a lot. Isn't this normal behaivor? 4. I agree the diaper thing is way out of line. 5. Writting: Well after two time outs in a day for similar behaivor, my children write. I think 100 commandments are way too much, but my 6 year old can certainly write 20 lines. Again, if time out isn't working, what is the matter with this?

I am definitely in the minority here. I don't see having these rules as abusive, apalling, cruel or whatever others words were used here to describe these foster parents. These kids had serious special needs and children with these types of needs need very clear defined rules. Structure works for them. Parents of special needs children are often viewed as horrible and cruel dictators. I know I am. I have been told countless times to just lighten up. If I lighten up, my daughter gets out of control. We know what our children need. The structure and rules make them feel safe. While some of the rules this mom used seem strict, I don't necessarily see them as abusive. I hope no one comes in my home and evaluates my structure in this way.

I am interested to hear how things are going without any of the disipline or direction that the "Foster Monster" had. I agree with all that the diaper thing is outrageous and I don't necessarily agree with several of the other points but - I do know that several of my fosters have had NO direction in thier young lives and "almost" or "close to" or "just what you need" don't make an impression. Sometimes direct specific directions are needed and specific consequences are necessary. I'm not saying that this is always the case - but in her defense - maybe her rules were what made things "work" in her home. I've been told that I am strict -expect to much from the kids - give them to much praise when they follow direction - follow thru on consequences to rigidly - rock them to much - have to much fun - watch them to closely etc. But on the other hand - I can take them shopping, to church nursery, to the ballgame, to other's homes and they behave. I expect them to behave and they generally don't disappoint me. They would really rather have the praise and the hugs than the consequense that was spelled out before we got out of the vehicle. Maybe I am a bad Foster Parent too.

I'm sorry guys, but I side (a little bit, not knowing the entire story) with Lorraine. Yes, counting squares seems infantile but I've had kids that LOVE clogging up the toilet on PURPOSE and it can cost tons to have a plumber out to fix it. As for the diaper issue, I had a 5 year old foster daughter who, when angry at me, peed all over the house (on purpose, again, she knew how to use the potty just fine when she came). I finally got tired of cleaning it and the smell that can come from that kind of behavior so I put a diaper on her and told her "fine, honey, you go ahead and pee all over yourself whenever you want. The diaper will catch it." She NEVER DID IT AGAIN. So there are reasons that not all of us understand if we have not parented detached children, that we sometimes resort to measure that others find cruel or ridiculous. I don't know this foster mother personally so I tend to err on the side of being more careful about pointing fingers. Certainly, there are some very bad foster parents but there are many more excellent foster homes where children are treated with dignity and respect but made to be respectful and dignified. It's a learning process. It's not easy to be tough. It's easy to be easy. We also had a child with food issues and we had to be very careful about letting him have whatever he wanted to eat. The previous foster mother shoved a bottle of juice in his mouth every time he whined. It was difficult for me, ALL DAY, to hear him whine when he didn't get the food he wanted to eat all day (he was very heavy), but when he left here he was able to control himself better and more attached to PEOPLE than to FOOD. So I knew that all of our hard work was worthwhile. Be careful about judging others until, truly, you have walked in their mocassins. Josie

Toilet Paper: My kids routinely roll out a huge wad of paper and clog the toilet. We've resorted to telling them to count six squares in order to give them an idea of how much is enough to use at one time. Most kids don't know how long a foot is, but even really little kids can count to 10. Tallying Rule Violations: Not a bad idea really. I know I'm inconsistent keeping track of when enough is enough. Keeping a written count might help. Assigned Seats, etc.: We have assigned seats in the house and the car. It saves fighting over spots and it's easier to assign responsibility for messes. We use lots of paper plates and plastic utensils. We let them trade seats if they can do it without fighting. Diapers: Seems a bit odd, but having never dealt with a kid that soils himself deliberately, I'll reserve judgement. Extending it into the next day definitely seems strange, especially if they have to go out in public anywhere. I hand out praise on the spot, but corrections only in private. Even siblings aren't usually a welcome party when doling out punishment. Writing Lines: I don't have my kids write, but I do have them recite lines while standing for a time out. 100 lines seems like a lot. I can't imagine it accomplishing anything that 25 or even 50 lines wouldn't accomplish. Also, I'm not sure about the value of writing the commandment violated (I'm assuming you're talking about the biblical commandments) instead of something like "I will not punch my little brother." Kids don't extrapolate rules. If you tell them not to punch their brother in the face, they might still think they can get away with punching him in the belly. Having said all that, what bothers me about the whole list isn't that any item on it is so horrific (a diaper in public would be abusive, IMO, but I digress), but that the entirety of what she provided was focused wholly on rules, violations, and punishments. Did the kids have any good qualities? Foods they liked? Favorite things to do? What were their personalities like? What did they do every day? Even a highly structured home needs some room for fun.

OMG!!! That's all I can say... OMG!!!

I have friends who are teachers and they have had to report foster parents who abused their children.It happens more often than we would like to think...I am not sure though that much is done about it.

No doubt they've also had to report bio parents who have abused their children. Yes, it does happen that foster parents abuse children, but does it really happen any more often than it does in bio families, or adoptive families, or extended families? It may, however, be more likely to be discovered in foster homes since they're under the eye of a social worker, and probably suspect in the eyes of many teachers, doctors, and so forth that are under legal obligation to report suspected abuse. Keep in mind also that some of the foster kids aren't above making accusations just to stir trouble or to get a new placement.

In our county we have definitely been led to believe we are in the great minority as foster parents who are in it to help kids, not make money. Now, I do believe a parent can be loving AND need the money... but this person just sounds EVIL!!!!!!!!!!

There are rules and rules.Guidelines for using toilet paper might be a better thing then making a 'RULE" out of it.Did any of your parents ever tell you to only use a certain amount of paper.Also it is not acceptable to put a child that is potty trained in a diaper ...Foster children as our own children have issues that in no way means that they can be treated that way in the name of 'structure" and "rules"Little girls do pee on purpose in a house because they have emotional problems not to make a foster parent's live miserable

I don't get why they have to "write lines." Why make a child take a time out and "write lines?" COuld someone please explain to me what it means. This is my first post on here. Thanks

azsummer2003 - "Writing lines" is, or at least was, a common schoolhouse punishment. Some parents also use it. The kid writes on a chalkboard or piece of paper "I will not punch my brother in the face" (or whatever the infraction was) 25, 50 or however many times is deemed enough to drive the idea home. ingi - You said... I've never had to deal with an eight year old that purposefully refuses to use the toilet, and I'm assuming - at least for the purpose of discussion - that this is deliberate or at least frequent. If a diaper is not acceptable, what is an acceptable method of dealing with that situation. This seems like a natural consequence to me. If you're unwilling or unable to use the toilet, you wear a diaper.

Little girls with Attachment Disorder WILL pee in the house in purpose to make a parent's life miserable. That is their goal.

Well, I think you're both right - that they do it because they have emotional problems, and that their goal is to make their parents miserable. The two aren't mutually exclusive. For me, the question remains: How does one deal with this behavior? Is a diaper an appropriate natural consequence of being unable or unwilling to use the toilet, or too far over the top for someone who's toilet trained? And if not a diaper, then what?