The forgotten

Dear Chrissy2, Like you, I have no wish to be rude but try time travelling back to the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s and see whether, if you were a young, unmarried woman in those days, you would have any real "choice". Worst of all, is that many of us who WERE such young, unmarried women with babies born out of wedlock, have discovered that we were lied to, that lies were told about us in the adoption files and that, if we had but known it, there was help out there for us to keep our babies. Sadly, however, the governments didn't want to give us welfare, so they promoted adoption as the "cheap option" instead - that was the "hidden agenda" of adoption back then. As a result, social workers were often encouraged to "persuade" the young woman that they really should do "the right thing" for their child and relinquish that child to adoption - "in the best interests of the child". Many young women did that FOR THEIR CHILD and knowing full well that THEY were NOT happy about the situation but they were willing to do ANYTHING to give their child the good life that they had been led to believe they could not give them due to the fact that they were young and, more importantly, unmarried. Many of those young women have grieved privately and in silence ever since for the loss of their child. As for original/first mothers not reading your stories. Please be assured that we DO read them. Most of us really want to understand what happened and how you feel about your adoption. If you are in reunion with us, you can be sure that many of us will have read just about everything there is out there about adoptees AND we will have read all the various threads on sites such as this where adoptees post. I hesitate to say anything these days because, sadly, several adopted people on this site have been very rude and unkind to me when I have tried to explain things to them to help them understand. Perhaps other mothers in my situation feel the same and are therefore reluctant to post? We ALL need to hear each others' stories so that we can learn and understand. Hopefully, bitterness and anger will not poison our minds when we do this, but we will read with sensitivity and compassion and understand that adoption can have profound effects on all members of the triad.

"Sadly, however, the governments didn't want to give us welfare." Well, who is the government? From my standpoint, I am. I'm a citizen and a taxpayer.

Worst of all, is that many of us who WERE such young, unmarried women with babies born out of wedlock, have discovered that we were lied to, that lies were told about us in the adoption files and that, if we had but known it, there was help out there for us to keep our babies. My husband was born in 1965 to a young unmarried woman. The attorney who handled the adoption was corrupt. After some searching, my husband found a group of other adoptees whose adoptions were handled by this so called attorney. Basically this attorney was in cahoots with a particular judge. The birthmoms were lied to. They were never able to see their babies. Some were told their babies died. If they gave birth to a boy, they were told they had a girl (and vice versa). In addition, original birth certificates were changed. Some were never documented. This means that technically some of these adoptees never existed (until a birth certificate was made with the adoptive parent's names. Because of this corruption, my husband will mostly never be able to meet his birthmom. His birthmom may not even know she has a son. My son will not be able to find out who half of his bloodline belongs to...and so on...

Crissy, I so agree, its very difficult to talk about our own issues...as seperate and just as important as anyone elses. No matter what we are judged for our feelings what ever they may be..Whethr we want to search or not, whether we want a relationship or not, whether we feel for our bparents or aparents there is someone say ing we are wrong and "don't you understand what we went through". And it comes from both birth and adoptive parents. They are so sensitive to what we feel that we are not allowed to feel for ourselves. We...in their opinion need to be educated...to their point of view..... Our feelings are not looked at objectivly...

Donna, ??? What then do you suggest? The OP is asking that more people take a moment to read and respond to the adoptee support threads and you are saying you agree and yet state that "we" have a need to educate y'all to our point of view? So which is it then? Do we stay away to "allow" you your own feelings or do we support? :confused: Just asking...

crick, I am not quite sure what it is.....:confused: ..but I know for myself when an adoptee is saying.."I have no need to search...sh/he can be bombareded with many posts from both aparentsand adoptive parents saying...things Your bmothr would be thrilled to meet you...can you think of her feelings..or on the flip side aparents saying things like ....we are your parents...we gave you the love ect...while both sides may be true its not what is being asked....am I makeing sense..I have been told I have trouble with that:rolleyes: (not here).....I would like to see an adoptee be able to post and be able to explore their own feelings with out the addoed burden of having the parents feelings...joy, pain, ect. Yes, I have seen many good people do that with adoptees but .IMO...an adoptee posts and they get it from both sides.....its common and expected. So I guess its not really support but more of an allowance.....the same as the other two sides of the traid. How many confused adoptees have we seen post ..most of their confusion is about not hurting anyone...not about themselves but what their existence may do to someone else...... I could go on... Thanks for asking...:)

Ah, okay...I get it I think. I thought at first you were implying that no one other than adoptees can offer support, because the other 2 sides just keep pulling no matter what. But what I'm hearing now is that it's the type of support and opinion that is more the problem. I mean..if you don't search, you are obviously in denial. If you do search, you are being disloyal. If you search for medical reasons only, you are selfish. (not really, just saying what I've seen or think you are referring to..) Guess the taffy pull business isn't so hot after all...;)

[QUOTE=crick]Ah, okay...I get it I think. I thought at first you were implying that no one other than adoptees can offer support, because the other 2 sides just keep pulling no matter what. But what I'm hearing now is that it's the type of support and opinion that is more the problem. I mean..if you don't search, you are obviously in denial. If you do search, you are being disloyal. If you search for medical reasons only, you are selfish.(not really, just saying what I've seen or think you are referring to..) Guess the taffy pull business isn't so hot after all...;)[/QUOTE/] Yup, thats about it.....I have seen where many adioptees offer support and wham...it becomes the mothers strory.either side...not the adoptee...it takes the direction of the mothers. I know its not meant to be that way...but the adoptee gets lost in others stories. It is pretty common for the adoptee to be minimized both here on the forums and ILR.... I rememeber someone posted abourt ayear ago..she was ...I think>>> a kept daughter of a birthfather and she was telling us to be just greatful for what happened and leave them alone...I have heard adoptees be called crazy ect and their is NEVER the outpouring of respomses that if said about bmoms or amoms would geneerate..... I can't help but think its because no one really cares..or many thinks their might be some truth to them or that it really is not that important...I don't know..but it does effect us in very subtle ways..especially as children..because its absorbed and becomes part of them. Why could their problems with some...with self eesteem...hearing those kinds of comments from the GP does it....even when an adoptee is in a "real family".... Crick, those from the other to sides can and do offer support but some from the other two sides rreally don't....

Chrissy2,I have an adopted daughter. I do not always understand where she is coming from. I helped her find her bmom. I traveled with her over 3000 miles to leave her with her bmom and half sister and half brother. She was happy most of the time, but the one day I spent with her and the bfamily she became angry at me. I ask her if she has heard from her bmom and she says, "I do not want to talk about it." She keeps that side of her life very private. She is only 18. It hurts me terrible that she doesn't want to share. I realize she did not have a choice. When she was placed in my arms, she held my finger. I think she is the most beautiful baby and has grown into the most beautiful daughter. I prayed to be a mother. I have loved every minute of being a mom. I do care about adoptees feelings. I read the threads. The main reason I like this site is to try to understand how adoptees feel. I just wanted to be the best mom I could be and when she doesn't want to share her feelings it hurts.

Patti- I can hear in your post that you really love your daughter and are very proud of her and value the mother/daughter bond you have. I understand it can be hurtful when she doesn't want to share her feelings. From my personal experience, I would think she doesn't want to hurt you, or minimize her feelings for her bmom and bfamily by trying to protect yours'- at least that's the struggle I have sharing with my family about my bfamily- I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to deny my feelings. dpen6- I must say, I agree. I agree. I am so happy to meet bmoms and hear amoms on this sight- but I have read posts by adoptees and I hear what you're saying. I have felt like I hold back from exploring issues or problems or questions on this sight for that exact issue. And that is the main issue I can't share in my real life as well. Thank you for bringing that up. I feel like you are very brave to say that here. I feel a part of me fearing even saying that- isn't that awful? Obviously, I do feel similarly. I must state again, that I love reading the posts from all moms here, and all dads and all siblings, I am happy to be here and am happy to hear all views.

Consider me educated a bit more then:) I like to think I'm supportive and yet I can think of a few times where given your examples...I really wasn't. Not that I intended it in any way to be a part of the "taffy machine", but I can see how I might be guilty of doing that at times. I'll try harder and thanks for pointing some things out..:)

I like having these threads to "speak out" on...It helps give the child in me that had no say so a place to find her voice that is inside of her... However I can also see where we are all flawed in the fact at some time or another we all are less than supportive and are maybe a little to opinionated to just support the OP. As an adoptee, sometimes I feel baited like a question is asked and I respond and then the people in the other triad positions tells me every reason I am wrong...Sometimes it is another adoptee who happens to be on the polar opposite of my view... Anyway... I only know what it is like to be adopted. I get one life and in it I was put in these shoes. Therefore I see things from this perspective. Glad this was brought up... Ang :flower:

My daughter received an invitation to spend a few days with her half brother and half sister at her bgrandparents house. She has not decided to go. I have talked to her and she said, "Well J (her bgrandfather) did not invite me until after Jo and M were at his house a few days. (her bsister and bbrother). This hurt her feelings. She has her feelings hurt very easy. She will not allow me to discuss this with her or try to comfort her. She said, " I just told you he wanted me to go but I don't want to talk about it." It is my decision." When my daughter talks to me and refuses to allow me to help I feel frustrated. Well, I will be here when she needs me. Any suggestions?

Momtojustyandsarah, That news of the lawyer concerns me. I was born in 1968 and mine was a private adoption. My mother told me that when I was 2yo. there was a problem with the finality of my adoption and they almost lost me. So if you don't mind my asking what state was your husband born in?

Here's a new perspective. I'd been losing parents my whole childhood. And a sibling. My amom is gay and I was raised in a gay household. Of course, there were secrets to be kept because this was a 1970s childhood and people weren't cool with gays adopting kids. My amom did so as a single parent adoption. Well, my mom met a lady when I was very young and so I remembered her a a 'second mother". This lady adopted a baby girl who was my sister for 3 years until they split up. I never saw either again. Another partner came later and left, though I wasn't unhappy to see that one go. She was emotionally abusive. I heard "Adopted kids grow up and wind up in jail." Well, you stack that up on top of losing your biological parents and all these great grade school projects of "Make a Father's Day card for your dad!" I told kids my dad was in Vietnam and got wasted. Because I didn't know what a gay person was at the time and it was embarrassing not to have a dad. I spent years trying to figure these things out. I just two weks ago found out I have six siblings via my biological parents between them. I knew of one because my amom told me. Let me say this, though. I believe gay people should be allowed to adopt. But first this society needs to grow up, put on its big boy pants, and let them marry and adopt as a married couple. Otherwise, you're going to end up with kids who spend about 30 years making mistake after mistake and finally get it right about age 36. And also this society needs to grow up and let us see our birth certificates at quit ethnic cleansing kids because of how they were born. An adopted Native deserves to understand his peoples' traditions. And an adopted Irish or Italian kid deserves to know who his people are. It's complete dishonesty if you don't.