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In 2012, my husband and I attempted to adopt a 13 yo girl from the foster system. We visited with her every weekend for 4 months before she moved in with us. We bonded so well during that time, that she almost immediately started taking out her anger on me. Violently.
The worst part was that not a single one of the people who was supposed to be supporting us was actually helpful.
She had RAD and ODD, yet her therapist insisted that she was exhibiting normal teenage behavior.
For a variety of reasons, she lied to her case worker - and the case worker believed her. (Ex: she said that I yell "all day long" and the case worker told me that I needed to be gentler with her. I'd raised my voice to her once in a month.) The case worker and her boss both told me that I'd overreacted after the kid had physically threatened me.
Her Bridges to Health support workers didn't get her all the services she was entitled to, and one even said "This placement isn't going to work out" in front of the kid.
Her agency told her former foster mother to stop answering her calls. They severed the one healthy relationship she had - without telling us.
It's been over a year, and even though I've been through therapy, I still feel scared to start the process again. We're planning to foster first this time to get our feet wet. Plus, our state requires kids to be in the system for so long before severing parental rights that it seems like the only kids who aren't adopted by their foster parents have RAD or severe physical disabilities.
We emptied our savings account visiting the kid upstate, and replacing her entire wardrobe (nothing fit), so we can't afford to go out of state next time.
The Kid washed out of a new home in 2 months, and is now in a group home, which is the best setting for her. So I know that the caseworker who blamed me for everything was wrong.
And I now know to stay away from therapeutic kids, no matter how much the agency says they've improved.
Yet I still can't quite convince myself that things will be different next time. I keep thinking that any kid will be too violent to handle. And that the case workers will walk all over me.
Besides just trying again despite my fears, is there anything I can do to move on?
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This hasn't happened to us, but we also have not fostered teenagers as our own children were not quite there, and we followed the advice of others on this board not to take in children older than your own. While our intention is to adopt, we did decide to foster so that (1) we could be of help to families in need, and (2) so that the child would have had less time in the system/more of a chance to be able to bond fully should a child we were fostering come up for adoption. We joined the local Foster & Adoptive Parents group right away to ensure that we had support and that we were doing everything we could to prepare ourselves for the experience.I think deciding to foster first is a great idea. I also think joining a foster and adoptive support group is an excellent idea. You will want to get some feedback from experienced members to help you think through next steps, what you can and cannot handle etc.You can probably call and ask for a contact at a foster/adoption parent support group right away and ask if you can speak with someone experienced. These boards are great, but a telephone or in-face discussion could help alleviate your fears and help you decide what the right path is.Good luck!
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This hasn't happened to us, but we also have not fostered teenagers as our own children were not quite there, and we followed the advice of others on this board not to take in children older than your own. While our intention is to adopt, we did decide to foster so that (1) we could be of help to families in need, and (2) so that the child would have had less time in the system/more of a chance to be able to bond fully should a child we were fostering come up for adoption. We joined the local Foster & Adoptive Parents group right away to ensure that we had support and that we were doing everything we could to prepare ourselves for the experience.
I think deciding to foster first is a great idea. I also think joining a foster and adoptive support group is an excellent idea. You will want to get some feedback from experienced members to help you think through next steps, what you can and cannot handle etc.
You can probably call and ask for a contact at a foster/adoption parent support group right away and ask if you can speak with someone experienced. These boards are great, but a telephone or in-face discussion could help alleviate your fears and help you decide what the right path is.
Good luck!
I know this post is years old, but I just had the same experience, but with a 15 y/o boy. We had him for about 6months. In that time, he physically assaulted my husband and I multiple times, tried to crash my car while I was driving (and punched me in the face while driving), stole money from us and threatened us on a daily basis. I never wanted to give upon him and I never ever thought we would have a disrupted placement. I believed that stability and love would help him make better choices. My husband reached his breaking point, though, and asked for him to be removed. I was devastated and angry at my husband. Though I don't believe anyone blamed us (our caseworker even said she would have had him removed a lot sooner if he were in her home), I blamed myself. I still do. While I don't really have any advice for how to moveon, as I have not been able to myself, I just know how you feel. And I know that many people did not understand my sadness or my desire to give him another chance. I have felt very alone. If you have felt that way, too, I am sorry. I hope you have been able to move on and feel better.
Thank you so much for saying this. For me, one of the hardest parts of the whole experience is feeling like I'm the only person this has ever happened to. Eventually, I decided against pursuing motherhood again but it took me a long time to make peace with the whole thing. Reading Living the Life Unexpected by Jody Day helped tremendously. She also had an online community called Gateway Women that I keep meaning to join just so I can connect with women in our situation.I hope that you're able to find peace more quickly than I did. We all go into this knowing that being in a family doesn't feel safe to these kids, but no one in the system admits that some kids' reaction to that is to become a danger to themselves and others, and their best chance of becoming reasonably well adjusted adults is to not have parents. I know this hurts, but just know that this may be what's best for your kid.
I know this post is years old, but I just had the same experience, but with a 15 y/o boy. We had him for about 6months. In that time, he physically assaulted my husband and I multiple times, tried to crash my car while I was driving (and punched me in the face while driving), stole money from us and threatened us on a daily basis. I never wanted to give upon him and I never ever thought we would have a disrupted placement. I believed that stability and love would help him make better choices. My husband reached his breaking point, though, and asked for him to be removed. I was devastated and angry at my husband. Though I don't believe anyone blamed us (our caseworker even said she would have had him removed a lot sooner if he were in her home), I blamed myself. I still do. While I don't really have any advice for how to moveon, as I have not been able to myself, I just know how you feel. And I know that many people did not understand my sadness or my desire to give him another chance. I have felt very alone. If you have felt that way, too, I am sorry. I hope you have been able to move on and feel better.